How to be a real man:

[Perd Hapley]

Wondering how to be a man among men in this modern age? Never fear - the New York Times is here!

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/02/fashion/mens-style/27-ways-to-be-a-modern-man.html

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

Boldface mine. Why is he trying to fight the intruder (with the long-handled shoehorn he so thoughtfully purchased)?

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

I can only hope that his fleeing wife is heading for the gun safe that her husband is too delicate to open. Perhaps after she has taken care of business, hubby can be the widdle spoon, while they watch Michael Mann films about men that actually use guns. He will cry. Often.

The modern man is not troubled by his failure to defend his family, however. The intruder was most likely some gauche simpleton that drinks Mountain Dew (instead of proper, manly Coke) and lacks a melon baller.

[TommyGunn]

The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

   What am I supposed to do with all my guns? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
 

I wonder if it occured to the author if having a gun might come in handy in case of that intruder popping in....guns work better than long-handled shoehorns....

[Fly320s]

Sounds like the NYT misspelled "metrosexual man" as "modern man."

[BobR]

The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

It's helo....damnit!!! Why are the sea services the only ones that use the proper name?  :)

The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

Well, that part is right. In fact I think I will practice that advice tonight.

Too bad you can't  put comments in there, that would be a gold mine of humor.  

bob

[Ben]

#1) Other than Jamis, who is going to take a chance on buying shoes for their wife?

#6) We have sunk to this? How about making sure the home is secure and defense is readily available, including the spouse's gun?

#8) It's helo.

#10) Take your balls out of your purse.

#11) Yet he 'tweets", so... [/Longmire]

#13) Who?

#17) [Longmire]                     [/Longmire]

#24) Yes, that's nearly as brave as storming the beach at Normandy.

#27) [Longmire]                                                                                                                      [/Longmire]  



EDIT: Bob beat me on "helo" by 30 seconds.

[Monkeyleg]

It's funny how, right after 9/11, even the NYT celebrated "real men" like firefighters, cops and construction guys. It was as if they'd never noticed them before. They were celebrities for a week, and then we're back to this.

[BobR]

The perfect accessory for the wife of the modern man.



As he says, "Here honey, why don't you take these, I won't be needing or using them anymore."





:)

bob

[Triphammer]

Wait, That was some kind of parody or satire or something! This "modern" guy would make a great Mom, except for the gun thing.

[BlueStarLizzard]

Pish posh. The real man let's the woman sleep on the side of the bed closest to the bathroom. Everyone knows this.

[Hawkmoon]

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

The troglodyte male, on the other hand, already owns three shoe horns, knows how to use them, and therefore doesn't waste his time thinking about buying a basic implement that every man should have had since age ten.

[Boomhauer]

What kind of crack was this moron smoking to come up with this crazy ass *expletive deleted*it?

[Doggy Daddy]

Yeah.  We all dealt with this on the BookOFaces a while back.

Notable fisk on the subject:

http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/10/02/fisking-the-new-york-times-modern-man/

[lee n. field]

Pish posh. The real man let's the woman sleep on the side of the bed closest to the bathroom. Everyone knows this.

If that's what it takes, yeah.

And a real man tolerates it when she presses her cold feet against you for warmth.

[BlueStarLizzard]

Yeah.  We all dealt with this on the BookOFaces a while back.

Notable fisk on the subject:

http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/10/02/fisking-the-new-york-times-modern-man/

Read bits and pieces to dad.

In regards to Larry: "I bet he'd be a fun guy to hang out with."

Dad's second comment: "You're more macho than the modern man guy!"

[Perd Hapley]

The troglodyte male, on the other hand, already owns three shoe horns, knows how to use them, and therefore doesn't waste his time thinking about buying a basic implement that every man should have had since age ten.

So...people actually use those? 

[RoadKingLarry]

Sounds like the NYT misspelled "metrosexual man" worthless, pansy ass piece of *expletive deleted*it as "modern man."

FTFY

[RoadKingLarry]

So...people actually use those? 

I've heard they make it easier to get your feet in to pansy ass piece of *expletive deleted*it shoes.

[Jamisjockey]

Buying the wife shoes is more of an art form.

NYT can suck it.  Their idea of a modern man isn't either modern nor man.

[Perd Hapley]

Yeah.  We all dealt with this on the BookOFaces a while back.

Notable fisk on the subject:

http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/10/02/fisking-the-new-york-times-modern-man/

Thanks. That was fun. My favorite bits:

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

Or you could just close your stupid face hole as you chew your food, you slack jawed idiot.

And by “ruckus” I’m guessing he wasn’t watching something like The Expendables, but rather he’s talking about the song and dance numbers on Mama Mia.

I’m betting this New York Times reporter smells of lilacs… and shame.

#25 is too full of win to duplicate here.


And because awesome:

[Monkeyleg]

What's wrong with shoe horns? They prevent breaking down the back of expensive shoes. Allen Edmonds shoes come with shoe horns for a reason. Isn't a real guy frugal?

[Jamisjockey]

Larry's fisking of the article is great.  Like almost everything that the International Lord of Hate says.  The man is spot on.

As to the shoes....I'll admit, I like a woman in high heel shoes.  I buy the wife what I like.  Granted, it intersects often with what she likes.
I do know my wife's clothing sizes as well.  I see nothing wrong with treating the wife to something nice as a surprise from time to time.  But it's because I'm a grown man and I can do what I want.  And pajama boy can eat a ****.  I'm stuffing popcorn in my piehole right as the lights go down and it's quiet as a mouse.

[Jamisjockey]

What's wrong with shoe horns? They prevent breaking down the back of expensive shoes. Allen Edmonds shoes come with shoe horns for a reason. Isn't a real guy frugal?

It is where Larry shows a little of his own inconsistency.  Only wearing danner work boots doesn't make you a man.  If you must wear nice shoes, or just like to, you take care of them.  A shoe horn keeps you from wrecking them.

[lupinus]

What's so modern about this? There have been court eunuchs for millennia.


Sent from my iPhone. Freaking autocorrect.

[brimic]

So...people actually use those? 

Yes.
Mt Dew drinking prison rapist T-Bone uses it to gouge pajama boy's eyes out right before he skull *expletive deleted*s him.

[BlueStarLizzard]

It is where Larry shows a little of his own inconsistency.  Only wearing danner work boots doesn't make you a man.  If you must wear nice shoes, or just like to, you take care of them.  A shoe horn keeps you from wrecking them.

He did the same thing in the bit about clothing sizes for men.

OTOH, the article was addressing his sons, who are likely to be gigantic like him, so I cut him some slack.

The point of the article was right on, 100%. Real men do as they like without concern over what others think a "real man" should be, with the only absolutes being be yourself, be self sufficient and take care of those you love.

I've known fruity tuity guys who are real men and I've known gruff masculine guys who are real men and everything in between, because it's the core qualities that make a person real, not the superficial bullshit.