A little more humor.

[grampster]

The teacher told her 5th graders to have their parents tell them a story with a moral and then tell the class.
The next day the kids were reciting their stories and the teacher came to Johnny.
"Do you have a story, Johnny?"  She said.
Johnny said "yes" and recounted the following.
"My aunt Barbara flew Warthogs in Desert Storm.  She got shot down and she bailed out with a bottle of whiskey, her 1911 and a combat knife.  She drank the whiskey while on the way down because she did not want to break the bottle and waste the booze.  She landed in the middle of 20 Iraqi soldiers.  She killed 15 of them with the 1911 when she ran out of ammo.  She killed 4 more with the knife, breaking it off inside the 4th Iraqi.  She then killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

The teacher was horrified at this violent recounting and gasped out..."But is there a moral to this awful story Johnny?"  
To which Johnny replied..."Yes, don't frell with Aunt Barbara when she's been drinking"

[cosine]

Gosh grampster, are you showing your age? Is this the best you could come up with?





























[CMA (figger it out! )]Disclaimer: No offense or insult intended to the venerable senior citizen known as grampster on this forum. A little leg-pulling and teasing among friends is needed to keep a certain unnamed forum member in his ordinarily prime good humor. [/CMA]

[grampster]

Aunt Barbara just called.  She's been drinking beer (heavily) in Milwaukee.

She was a math major and is looking for companionship.  

[280plus]

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump" The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

Homer took the money .

[The Rabbi]

Polish guy goes to a bar to pick up a girl.  He sees one and comes over and starts chatting her up.  She tells him, you're barking up the wrong tree.  He asks, what do you mean?  She says, I'm a lesbian.  He asks, what's that?  She tells him, you see that pretty blonde over there?  I'd like nothing better than to take her home, strip her naked and run my hands and tongue all over her young gorgeous body.
The Polish guy breaks into tears.  She asks him, why are you crying?  He tells her:
I think I'm a lesbian too!

[Guest]

The 1st Affair
>
>A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
>Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
>The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
>and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
>"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>
>"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
>We had sex all afternoon."
>
>She looked down at his shoes and said:  "You lying bastard!
>You've been playing golf!"
>
>
>
>  The 2nd Affair
>
>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
>having a son.
>They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
>He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>
>He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
>Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>
>The wife smiled sweetly and replied:  "Not this time!"
>
>
>  The 3rd Affair
>
>A mortician was working late one night.
>He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and
>made a startling discovery.  Schwartz had the largest private part he had
>ever  seen!
>
>"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
>"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
>It must be saved for posterity."
>So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
>
>"I have something to show  you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening

>his briefcase.
>
>  "My God!" the wife exclaimed,  "Schwartz is dead!"
>
>
>  The 4th Affair
>
>A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
>front door.
>"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."    She rubbed baby oil all over
>him, then dusted him
>with talcum powder don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're

>a statue."
>
>"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>
>  "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and  I liked it
>so I got one for us, too."
>
>No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>
>Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
>sandwich and a beer.
>"Here," he said to the statue, "have this.
>"I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
>damned thing."
>
>
>  The 5th Affair
>
>A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
>  "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
>
>"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
>He glanced at the menu and asked:
>"How much for a nice juicy steak  and a bottle of wine?"
>
>  "A nickel," the barman replied.
>
>"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
>"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
>
>The bartender replied:  "Upstairs, with my wife."
>
>The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
>
>The bartender replied:  "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
>here."
>
>
>The 6th Affair
>
>Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>He looked up and said weakly:   I have something I must confess."
>
>"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
>
>"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
>I slept with your sister, your best friend, her  best friend, and your
>mother!"
>
>"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
>
>
>
>

[grampster]

I see you figgered out how to get more than one joke on one post.    heh heh.

[Perd Hapley]

I figured Barbara was a tough customer, but I had no idea she was a combat pilot.  Funny, she never discusses that on the forums.

[Guest]

It wasn't me, but Ryan thought it was very funny!