Post by: 280plus on January 27, 2008, 04:33:49 PM
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tel l you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a
NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cow
boy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .
Now give me back my dog.
************************************************************
Hillary
Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has
disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White
House
She has
waited several years for this.
FIRST
NIGHT
Suddenly! The
ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, "How can I
best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never
tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says
Hillary, "I don't know about that."
SECOND
NIGHT
The next
night, th e ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says,
"Listen to
the people."
"Ohhh! I
really don't want to do that."
THIRD
NIGHT
On the third
night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best
serve my country?"
Lincoln says,
"Go to the theater."
************************************************************
Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and
says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
and so it does ...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful? --
Post by: Art Eatman on January 28, 2008, 02:12:38 PM
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the guy. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Post by: Gewehr98 on January 28, 2008, 03:14:56 PM
www.youtube.com/watch?v=x41JgoTyEGw
Post by: BridgeWalker on January 28, 2008, 04:08:11 PM
One turns to the other and says:
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You drive. I'll man the gun."
Post by: Regolith on January 28, 2008, 06:05:53 PM
The Californian looks at him and says, What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!
The Texan says, In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap.
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.
The Oregonian cant believe his eyes, What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of champagne!
The Californian says, In California, we have plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.
So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Californian.
The Texan, shocked, says, Why the hell did you do that?!
The Oregonian replies, In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel.
Post by: Tecumseh on January 28, 2008, 06:44:12 PM
************************************************************
Hillary
Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has
disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White
House
She has
waited several years for this.
FIRST
NIGHT
Suddenly! The
ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, "How can I
best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never
tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says
Hillary, "I don't know about that."
SECOND
NIGHT
The next
night, th e ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says,
"Listen to
the people."
"Ohhh! I
really don't want to do that."
THIRD
NIGHT
On the third
night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best
serve my country?"
Lincoln says,
"Go to the theater."
************************************************************
Post by: Scout26 on January 28, 2008, 06:54:51 PM
Anyway,
A Preist, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar.
The Bartender looks up and says "What is this, a Joke ??".
[rimshot]
Post by: erictank on January 28, 2008, 11:50:00 PM
The third one ducks.
Post by: 280plus on January 29, 2008, 12:33:58 AM
Post by: Tallpine on January 29, 2008, 07:33:42 AM
The fellow from Boston relieves himself and then spends ten minutes washing his hands in hot water, using several paper towels to dry them. "My mother taught me to be careful about germs," he explains.
The Californian relieves himself and trickles about a teaspoon of cold water into one hand, rubs them together, and then tears off a little corner of a paper towel to dry them, saying "My parents taught me to conserve natural resources."
The Texan zips up, flushes the urinal, and walks out of the restroom. "My daddy taught me not to pee on my hands."
Post by: Perd Hapley on January 29, 2008, 08:08:17 AM
"Listen, friends," said the Englishman, "they were strolling though a beautiful, perfect, peaceful garden. I tell you, they must have been English."
"No, no!" the Frenchman protested. "A young man and a beautiful woman, alone and naked, in a paradise of passionate delights! Of course, they must have been French."
"No," said the Russian. "They were living in a wilderness, with nothing, not even clothing to wear, and only fruit to eat. And they were told they were living in Paradise. They were obviously Russian."
Post by: Tecumseh on January 29, 2008, 09:05:26 AM
Quote
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hell's lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesn't have a rung, because when you're at the very bottom, you don't need one.
So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how 'bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied "Has it been a year already?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.
"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."
So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.
"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"
A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven! The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George W. was asked what he thought about Roe v. Wade. He said he thought it was just about the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob Packwood, Dick Cheney and George Dubya Bush go into a bar. Packwood orders first. "I'll have a B and C." The bartender asks, "What is a B and C?" "Bourbon and Coke," Packwood says. Cheney orders. "And, I'll have a G and T." The bartender asks, "What's a G and T?" "Gin and tonic," Cheney replies. Dubya wants to be cute, too. He says, "I'll have a 15." OK, the bartender asks, "What's a 15?" Dubya says, "A 7 and 7."
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hell's lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesn't have a rung, because when you're at the very bottom, you don't need one.
So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how 'bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied "Has it been a year already?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.
"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."
So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.
"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"
A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven! The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George W. was asked what he thought about Roe v. Wade. He said he thought it was just about the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob Packwood, Dick Cheney and George Dubya Bush go into a bar. Packwood orders first. "I'll have a B and C." The bartender asks, "What is a B and C?" "Bourbon and Coke," Packwood says. Cheney orders. "And, I'll have a G and T." The bartender asks, "What's a G and T?" "Gin and tonic," Cheney replies. Dubya wants to be cute, too. He says, "I'll have a 15." OK, the bartender asks, "What's a 15?" Dubya says, "A 7 and 7."
Post by: Bogie on January 29, 2008, 09:17:37 AM
Post by: Sergeant Bob on January 29, 2008, 09:20:52 AM
Here are some:
WooHoo! That Al Franken is one heck of a writer ain't he?
Post by: Perd Hapley on January 29, 2008, 09:46:42 AM
Post by: Bogie on January 29, 2008, 09:57:16 AM
Post by: Fly320s on January 29, 2008, 01:56:29 PM
But this one I don't get:
Quote
On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hell's lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesn't have a rung, because when you're at the very bottom, you don't need one.
So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how 'bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."
So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how 'bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."
Tecumseh, can you draw me a picture?
Post by: Gewehr98 on January 29, 2008, 03:14:08 PM
Post by: seeker_two on January 29, 2008, 04:40:49 PM
Post by: Tecumseh on January 29, 2008, 05:50:56 PM
Tecumseh: Making jokes about Texans in Hell makes the lil' baby Jesus cry.....
Well Praise the lord and pass the ammunition. Remember its just a joke. I apologize to sweet 8 lb. 6 oz. lil' baby Jesus.
Post by: Bogie on January 29, 2008, 07:48:24 PM
Post by: Regolith on January 29, 2008, 08:45:56 PM
Quote
Dr. Schambaugh,of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams.
His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true... Thus, hell is exothermic.
[The student, Tim Graham, got the only A]
His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true... Thus, hell is exothermic.
[The student, Tim Graham, got the only A]
Quote
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:
"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:
"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Quote
TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the F was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer"
Any F'ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
"It does so F'ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
"How the F did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered F'ing showers my ass." -- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F'ing hole in my head." -- John F. Kennedy
"Who the F is going to know? " -- Bill Clinton
"What the F was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer"
Any F'ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
"It does so F'ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
"How the F did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered F'ing showers my ass." -- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F'ing hole in my head." -- John F. Kennedy
"Who the F is going to know? " -- Bill Clinton
And, just to balance out Tecumseh's:
Quote
Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
Answer - A competent liberal President.
Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?
Answer - Mace.
Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.
Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
Answer - A competent liberal President.
Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?
Answer - Mace.
Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.
Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.
Post by: Perd Hapley on January 29, 2008, 08:53:00 PM
Quote
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc
What, when she was about to be burned to death?
Or did somebody think she was Noah's wife?
Post by: Finch on January 29, 2008, 10:37:59 PM
At LAX today, an individual later discovered to be a Public School teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Michael Mukasey said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Post by: onions! on January 30, 2008, 07:12:31 AM
Oh to heck with it.That's funny!
Post by: HankB on January 30, 2008, 07:53:53 AM
The chief would point at a rock, and say "Ugh . . . what that?" and the missionary would say "Rock" . . . the chief would repeat the word and they'd proceed along the path.
In due course, they came upon a disturbance - people moaning, bushes shaking . . . really unusual. The chief parted the bushes, and a couple very much . . . involved . . . in one another were revealed.
The chief pointed, and said "Ugh . . . what that?"
The missionary, young, inexperienced, and embarassed, said the first thing that popped into his mind: "Main riding bicycle." The chief repeated the phrase, released the bushes, and they continued, leaving the couple alone.
The next day, the missionary and chief are out for their linguistic stroll again, and, much to the missionary's dismay, they round a bend and hear moaning and see a bush shaking. Not again.
The chief parts the bushes, takes one look at the couple, and immediately kills them both with his spear.
Horrified, the young missionary asks, "Why, chief, why did you kill them?"
With an angry grimace, the chief explains: "Today, man riding MY bicycle!"
Post by: Tecumseh on January 30, 2008, 09:26:53 AM
What does makin' jokes about Baby Jeebus pay?
I would ask seeker_two. By the way who is Baby Jeebus?
Post by: RadioFreeSeaLab on January 30, 2008, 02:42:04 PM
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.
Post by: mustanger98 on January 30, 2008, 03:59:37 PM
"George W. was asked what he thought about Roe v. Wade. He said he thought it was just about the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware."
Oh to heck with it.That's funny!
Oh to heck with it.That's funny!
I thought so too. Thing is we have to keep in mind these jokes can be turned on anybody.
***shrug*** Well, we can't blame everything on Fistful.
Post by: 280plus on January 30, 2008, 04:02:46 PM
Post by: seeker_two on January 30, 2008, 04:33:43 PM
What does makin' jokes about Baby Jeebus pay?
I would ask seeker_two. By the way who is Baby Jeebus?My good moral upbringing would make me defer the question to Tecumseh.....
Post by: Mabs2 on January 30, 2008, 07:36:15 PM
Post by: Antibubba on January 30, 2008, 09:14:56 PM
A: He thought his mother was a virgin and his father was God.
Hey!! I'm allowed!
Post by: HankB on January 31, 2008, 06:52:51 AM
Quote
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "Doughnut Eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care.
I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "Doughnut Eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care.
I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Post by: Boomhauer on January 31, 2008, 07:17:07 AM
Post by: Mabs2 on January 31, 2008, 07:38:04 AM
Probably considered NSFW due to the language.
But hilarious.
Post by: Tecumseh on January 31, 2008, 07:43:54 PM
Here's a story my (retired) neighbor told me.
That is pretty good.
Quote
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "Doughnut Eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care.
I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "Doughnut Eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care.
I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Post by: 280plus on February 01, 2008, 01:27:29 PM
Hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of
Her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat
Says, "Well, that's great.........that's really great.......... Some ***hole's
Got my pen."
Post by: Scout26 on February 01, 2008, 09:53:06 PM
The taste....
Post by: Scout26 on February 01, 2008, 10:01:48 PM
Stage one is the one to three years of marriage. That's where you and your spouse have "House Sex". You do it anywhere and everywhere in the house.
Stage two occurs between three to ten years of a marriage. That's where you and your spouse have "Bedroom Sex". You only do it in the bedroom.
Stage three starts around ten years of marriage. That's where you and your spouse have "Hallway Sex".
What's "Hallway Sex" you ask ??
That's where you and your spouse pass each other in the hallway and say "Screw You".