Are we allowed to post jokes here?

[Chrissy]

If not, moderators just delete this, 'kay?


What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:


1-    Remove your lap top from its bag
2-    Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3-    Turn on
4-    Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5-    Turn on the Internet
6-    Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7-    Take a deep breath and open this site 

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

 
8-Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger

[Phyphor]

That ones been around, but jokes seem to be ok here, provided they're not beyond the pale.

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

Hrrmph.  I want jokes that are beyond the pale.

[RaspberrySurprise]

You forgot 9- Prepare to be beaten to death by fellow passengers. :)

Hrrmph.  I want jokes that are beyond the pale.

Me too.

[Chrissy]

I get jokes e-mailed to me once in a while and I was just checking to see if they are allowed to be posted.  I have more I'll try to post sometime in the future.

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

You can post anything you want.  The only real rule is that you not be offensive.

[seeker_two]

That ones been around, but jokes seem to be ok here, provided they're not beyond the pale.

Although, around here, we've seen jokes that are positively albino....

The only real rule is that you not be offensive.

...in that case, we'd better not tell her about the "thing"....

[Phyphor]

Don't remember where I got any of these, but oh well.

----------


A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation
was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied,"Yep, sure do."

'Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said
the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you p rofound, horrifying AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan."Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old
man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid
of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."


-----

> Think before you speak...
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
>
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
> My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
> and I was on him constantly.
> One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch
> in between errands.
> It was very busy, with a full dining room.
> While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
> so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
> and she was clean.
> Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
> I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, 'No'.
> I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
> and I don't have any clean clothes with me.'
> Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
> 'No,' he replied.
> I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
> because the smell was getting worse.
> So, I asked one more time,
> 'Danny, did you have an accident?'
> This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
> bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled....
> 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their chips laughing,
> he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
> An older couple made me feel better,
> thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>

Ok, that's all I got for the moment.

At least, that can be posted here....

(Well, after A bit of editing, anyway...)

[Perd Hapley]

...in that case, we'd better not tell her about the "thing"....

Shh.  Don't talk about it! 

[Balog]

Jokes?! JOKES?!?!?! Sullying my beautiful forum with the childish whinnying of laughter?

Guards, seize her! We'll execute her at dawn...

[Jamisjockey]

Joke away.  Just follow the forum "rules". 

1.  Please watch your language.  No vulgarities, rudeness, or words that would make Art's Grandma blush (or swear herself!).

2.  No porn, gratuitous violence, or offensive posts.  Moderators' judgment will be the determining factor in what is offensive.  If you'd say it to a gathering in your average family living-room, you should be fine to say it here.

3.  Offensive threads will be deleted in their entirety.  Offensive posts will be deleted, leaving the original thread intact if possible.  Offenders won't be warned - if you see a post or thread of yours is gone, it means it fell foul of Rule 1 or Rule 2 above.

4.  Repeat offenders will be banned.  No excuses, no reasons needed, no argument.  The rules are simple enough.  If you can't follow 'em, don't post!

[AJ Dual]

When I'm jammed in on a plane, and want some elbow room, I use this.

http://www.users.bigpond.com/splattered_squirrell/

And it's completely TSA-approved too.

[Lee]

My Favorite Blond Joke.  (Maybe because it's the only one I can consistently remember)
Blond cops pulls over blond driver for speeding.
Blond Cop:  "Can I see your drivers license please"
Blond driver: "Hmmmm...what does it look like?"
Cop:  "It's a little square thingy with your picture on it."   
Driver: Digs in purse and pulls out a small mirror -looks at mirror and hands it to the cop.
Cop: Looks at mirror and says, " Oh gee, you should have told me you were a cop".

[Monkeyleg]

Lee, are you sure you didn't read one of my jokes in a joke thread here a few weeks ago?

(Headed it off at the pass before it set another precedent, sorry)

[Gewehr98]

If not, moderators just delete this, 'kay?

Here's the deal - we can post jokes here, no problem.

However, this is an all-ages, all-types forum. 

We cater to a broad spectrum of forum members, so before you type something, consider your audience.

I've cleaned up a few of the jokes in this thread in deference to that concept. 

[Monkeyleg]

OK, I'll try something more tame.

A man is out in the park, and sees an old man sitting on a park bench, sobbing. "What's the matter?" he asks the old man.

The old man says, "I have a beautiful wife. She's 28, has a gorgeous figure, cooks like you wouldn't believe, and loves me passionately. I'm just so blessed to have her."

The younger man says, "that sounds great. But what's the problem?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live!"

***********

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Viking]

Monkeyleg: I thought I was going to laugh myself to death over the second joke . Got to use it sometime!

[Chrissy]

This is one of my all-time favorites.  Cracks me up every time:


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild n your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

 

 

[Monkeyleg]

OK, here's another. PM me for the rest of the joke:

A priest is hearing confessions...

[NickySantoro]

The Lie Clock




A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh,' said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible,' said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office . . . He's using it as a ceiling fan.

 

[Scout26]

You can post anything you want.  The only real rule is that you not be offensive.

Then how the hell does Zardoz and the Hasselhoff assault crotch fractal get through ?!?!?!

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

Then how the hell does Zardoz and the Hasselhoff assault crotch fractal get through ?!?!?!

Good question...

[Balog]

If you're offended by the Hoff you just need to be more sex positive.

[Gewehr98]

Then how the hell does Zardoz and the Hasselhoff assault crotch fractal get through ?!?!?!

Nobody's really bitched to the moderators about it?

[freedom lover]

Never mind. It was something I consider to be fairly normal.