"we need a 'worst impressions' thread more fun"

[Kyle]

Monkeyleg,

So... let me get this straight. After that episode you guys got married? 

[BridgeRunner]

She slapped me across the face, kicked me in the groin, and screamed at the top of her lungs, "YOU DON'T NEED A HAMBURGER!  I havn't had one in 10 YEARS YOU DON'T NEED ONE!" and continued hitting me.

Sounds like that chick SERIOUSLY needed a hamburger.

[Monkeyleg]

Kyle, after nine years of all sorts of interesting episodes, we got married. The car accident was 40 years ago.

[Uncle Bubba]

as i left i discovered when i looked in the mirror that while i was passed out my friends had put makeup on me. eye shadow blush  the works. and they did my toe nails too  green.

Classic. What are friends for if not to rook you when you least expect it?

[grampster]

I don't know if I mentioned this one before.  I'll keep it short. I was in LE.  It was 1965.  While in pursuit of a car full of miscreants, I was trying to pass a cab and a car in front of the cab to get to the mopes.  I had my overhead on, no siren.  The car in front of the cab turned left.  I swerved left and tried to avoid her.  Couldn't.  We collided.  I got out of the cruiser.  Her first words to me were..."You dumb sumnubitch, look what you did to my car."

Fast forward about 4 months.  I was in a local pub after duty hours, around midnight.  I see this very attractive blonde.  She looked familiar.  I waltzed up and all swave and deboner said....Duhhh, you look familiar.  Duhhhh, do I know you?
She said..."yeah, your the dumb sumnabitch that smashed up my car."

We got married about 8 months later.

[Monkeyleg]

You have mentioned that one before, Grampster, and it's still a great story.

[DJJ]

Kyle, I was 17 and my wife 14 when we met. She had me convinced that she was 16, right up until I let her drive my car, she hit another car, and I wound up in court on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Please, no more entries. The contest is over. 

[grislyatoms]

Please, no more entries. The contest is over. 

I think perhaps Monkeyleg and Grampster are tied for 1st place... 

[grampster]

You have mentioned that one before, Grampster, and it's still a great story.

Heh heh.  That's the trouble with us seasoned citizens...we tend to tell the same stories over and over and over and.....uhhh, what were we talking about? 

Oh yeah....Well, the fun of repetitious stories is seeing if they turn out the same way after each telling...and of course, how long it takes to tell it.

[Monkeyleg]

That's the trouble with us seasoned citizens...

Reminds me of the old saying, "the way to keep an Englishman happy in his old age is to tell him a joke when he's young."

[DJJ]

I had a blind date for my fraternity's end-of-year party, dinner and awards ceremony. In addition to the legitimate awards, it was customary to give out joke awards, including "Notches on the Bedpost". Naturally, this was given to the guy who had the worst luck with women. That year was my turn. My date was a friend of my roommate's girlfriend; after accepting the award, I got back to our table just about the time she was borrowing my roommate's girlfriend's car to leave.

[Jamisjockey]

So you called ICE right?

Thread win.
 

Edit:
I spoke too soon.

Me: "I would rather have my eyelids stapled to my forehead."

[Bigjake]

Lets just follow the Obama Rule here, and declare them Co-Champs. 

Both you dudes get a shot on me! (and, provided you're ever in this neck of the woods, I'll make good on it)