Post by: mtnbkr on March 03, 2006, 12:59:50 PM
It was entertainment night at the old peoples home and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth whilequietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until just as he was ready to start, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"*expletive deleted*it!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three weeks to clean up the old peoples home
Post by: K Frame on March 03, 2006, 01:17:55 PM
Post by: grampster on March 03, 2006, 01:22:22 PM
Post by: mtnbkr on March 03, 2006, 02:30:58 PM
Quote from: Mike Irwin
You should be beaten for that.
Lemme guess... you snorted. 
Chris
Post by: crt360 on March 03, 2006, 02:50:12 PM
Second one says, "No , its Thursday."
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis."
Post by: K Frame on March 03, 2006, 03:07:57 PM
In derision and disgust, yes....
Post by: DJJ on March 05, 2006, 05:29:16 AM
"No, mustard".
Post by: Elmer Snerd on March 05, 2006, 12:40:02 PM
Post by: doczinn on March 05, 2006, 07:29:53 PM
Post by: erik the bold on March 06, 2006, 03:10:48 AM
Which one is the prostitute ?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The one with the sticker that says Idaho......
Post by: Guest on March 10, 2006, 01:00:47 PM
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Yooper says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Yooper.
"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Yooper stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree
"Ere you go."
The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The foreman is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Yooper, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Yooper stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Yooper leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when do I start?"
Post by: 280plus on March 10, 2006, 01:19:23 PM
Post by: Guest on March 10, 2006, 01:33:13 PM
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal
was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it
go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring
him
back to reality, whispering:
But Dave...You're a veterinarian.
Post by: Perd Hapley on March 10, 2006, 02:10:52 PM
280, you have to point out that the well-digger put his hand over his face because that was the only hard surface in that muddy hole.
Boy, I really know how to rain on a joke thread.
Post by: Guest on March 10, 2006, 02:28:51 PM
Wow. That's just..wrong.
Post by: garyk/nm on March 10, 2006, 02:52:28 PM
Quote from: Barbara
I apologize in advance for this joke. I have no excuse except that it cracked me up:
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal
was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it
go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring
him
back to reality, whispering:
But Dave...You're a veterinarian.
Barbara, you are just... bad. Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal
was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it
go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring
him
back to reality, whispering:
But Dave...You're a veterinarian.
Funny, but ....bad.
Post by: 280plus on March 10, 2006, 02:58:27 PM
Quote
280, you have to point out that the well-digger put his hand over his face because that was the only hard surface in that muddy hole.
I respectfully disagree, the DITCH digger put his hand over his face because he's not so smart...
Post by: 280plus on March 10, 2006, 03:01:21 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to
look for him.
She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a
cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring
at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a
sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps
into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 40 years ago
when we were
dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The
wife is touched to
tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember
when your mother caught us behind the couch making
love?"
"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself
into a chair beside
him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when she
shoved a shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I
will send you to
jail for 40 years?'"
"I remember that, too." she replies softly. He wipes
another tear from
his cheek and says "I would have gotten out today."
Post by: jefnvk on March 10, 2006, 03:25:22 PM
fistful, bad. Just don't do it.
Me favorite Eino and Toivo (Yooper) joke:
A few years back, on the opening day of deer season, Eino and Toivo went hunting together. Sure enough, as was bound to happen with Eino and Toivo in the same swamp with guns, Eino accidently shot Toivo. Well, Eino jumps into the truck, drives down to the nearest bar and calls the ambulance. Soon, the police, game wardens, fire trucks, paramedics and the ambulance all show up at the scene of the tragedy. The paramedics work frantically on Toivo while a nervous Eino waits nearby. Finally, one of the exhausted paramedics comes over to Eino. "I'm sorry," he says, "We did everything we could. We just couldn't save him." "OH NO!" cries Eino. "My best friend! What will I do? I'm so sorry, Toivo! What could I have done to save you?" "Well," said the paramedic, with a look of disgusted anger on his face, "It would've helped if you hadn't gutted him first!"
Post by: Sylvilagus Aquaticus on March 10, 2006, 03:43:47 PM
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
--------------------------------------------------
The day after his crabby wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State
Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,"Give me the bad news
first."
The trooper said,? I?m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great
news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow !
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,
he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".
A little concerned about that comment,
I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said,
"Then why do you give a *expletive deleted*it if you live to be 80?"
------------------------------------------------
Regards,
Rabbit.
Post by: Sylvilagus Aquaticus on March 10, 2006, 03:47:02 PM
They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute
small bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge
enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's
clothes ....
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
-------------
Regards,
Rabbit.
Post by: grampster on March 10, 2006, 05:05:38 PM
and don't be talkin' dat cahnada stuff eder, eh? I gotta get me a pastie and tink again, eh?
Post by: Perd Hapley on March 10, 2006, 06:46:44 PM
Quote from: Barbara
You DID NOT just compare a Yooper to a Canadian. Right?
Wow. That's just..wrong.
So...Wow. That's just..wrong.
That is insulting to Yoopers? Again, I don't get it.
Post by: Guest on March 11, 2006, 12:38:19 AM
Post by: erik the bold on March 11, 2006, 03:47:41 AM
A Yooper was stopped by the Department of Natural Resources (DNR) warden in Michigans Upper Peninsula recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The DNR warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of dem dere licenses, no. Dese here are my pet fish, eh."
"Pet fish?" asked the warden.
"Ya. Every night I take dese here fish down to da lake and let dem swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and dey jump right back into dis here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the DNR warden.
The Yooper looked at the DNR warden for a moment and then he said, "It's da truth Mr. Warden, I'll show you, eh. It really works."
"Okay", said the DNR warden (being a troll ), "I've GOT to see this!"
The Yooper poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the DNR warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Yooper.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The Yooper said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the Yooper.
Yoopers may not be as smart as some of dem dere city slickers, but they aren't as dumb as some government employees either....
Post by: jefnvk on March 11, 2006, 07:15:13 AM
Quote
That is insulting to Yoopers? Again, I don't get it.
Ja der, eh!There is only so much that online can teach you. It can define a Yooper for you, but you can't get to know them online. It's not until you are out ice fishing and have a conversation like this that you can understand:
Benfishinlately?
Ven Two Yoopers Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen! "Haydair."
"Lobuddy"
"Benearlong?"
"Coplhours."
"Crieps, cetchenenny?"
"Yepgoddafew"
"Vairdaybitn?"
"Oberdair"
"Kindarday?"
"Valleyeennordern."
"Ennysiztooum?"
"Cuplapowns."
"Oofda, bitenard?"
"yanohowdeyar."
"Vahchayoozin? Dalindyrik?"
"Ohyeahdonchano."
"Fichenondaboddum?"
"Rydoopneardaboddum."
"Howdeeperya?"
"Bouttvenyfeet."
"Oh, Vachadrinkin?"
"Hadacouplabeers."
"Velligoddago."
"Tubad."
"Seeyaround."
"Yeahtakideeze."
"Guluk."
"Yoobetcha."
Da Ent!!!
Post by: Strings on March 11, 2006, 07:38:17 AM
Post by: grampster on March 11, 2006, 09:23:54 AM
three yooper blondes were sittin in a boat, apparently fishing . Game warden comes along and asks to see their fishing licenses as they all had poles in their hands. Well, one of them says, "not fishin' Mr. Warden, don't need a license". He wonders aloud if they think he is blind as they have fishing poles with lines in the water. "We got magnets on the end of the lines" says another blonde. "Let me see", says the warden. Well they lift up their lines and sure enough there are magnets on the end of the line.
Well, the warden shakes his head and motors off in his boat.
The third blonde giggles and says to the other two, "evidently he don't know there are steelhead in this lake."
Post by: Perd Hapley on March 11, 2006, 10:51:02 AM
Post by: jefnvk on March 11, 2006, 11:15:08 AM
But they aren't even close to being near Canadian.
Post by: kudu on March 11, 2006, 01:36:50 PM
Quote from: Hunter Rose
Is it bad that I actually understood that entire "conversation"?
Yeah, that's what I was thinking myself.
Post by: jefnvk on March 11, 2006, 02:52:28 PM
Quote from: kudu
Quote from: Hunter Rose
Is it bad that I actually understood that entire "conversation"?
Yeah, that's what I was thinking myself.
Post by: grampster on March 11, 2006, 03:07:21 PM
It's aboot talkin'boottings
Post by: Standing Wolf on March 11, 2006, 05:49:19 PM
Post by: 280plus on March 12, 2006, 02:12:22 AM
Reminds me of HGTV's Candace Olsen. If you pay attention you can hear her say things like "aboot" instead of "about". And she pronounces her last name "Oolsen"
Post by: Guest on March 12, 2006, 02:43:10 AM
Argh.
Yoopers are..well, Yoopers..
Nothing to do with Canadians. In fact, those are fightin' words in some places.
Post by: 280plus on March 12, 2006, 03:17:01 AM
Quote
In fact, those are fightin' words in some places.
HIDE ME!!
What do yoopers call a sandwich on a long roll?
Post by: 280plus on March 12, 2006, 05:39:52 AM
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told
them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury here her
in the Holy Land for $150".
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother-in-law
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Post by: grampster on March 12, 2006, 03:06:19 PM
Post by: jefnvk on March 12, 2006, 06:50:38 PM
There was some influence from Canada, though, as I understand it. The big reason for people around here was mining, before WWII or so. The Canadians and Scandanavians were the people they could get to stay for the long, cold winters and work the mines. Suited the Finns and Swedes well, reminded them of home or something. Canadians would come to work the mines (and play hockey, before pro hockey was legalized in Canada) for a few months, and return home for a few months. Probably where the 'eh' came from.
The majority of it, though, is from the Finns. They are the ones that settled the area, and still have a HUGE influence in the area.
Quote
What do yoopers call a sandwich on a long roll?
What is a sandwich on a long roll? Something like what you would get from Subway?
Post by: 280plus on March 13, 2006, 12:55:16 AM
Reminds me of the "Green Ridge" area of Scranton PA. Big Irish community. So big that they were able to push through an ordinance that decreed that the GREEN light be on the TOP of the traffic lights for a while. Eventually it got changed back due to problems with people being colorblind and misreading the lights.
Yes like a Subway but what did they call it BEFORE Subway invaded?
Anyhoo, anyone remember a band called "Da Yoopers"? There big hit was "Rusted Chevrolet."
I'm trying to remember the words but it's been a while since I heard it.
Post by: jefnvk on March 13, 2006, 06:16:54 AM
Quote
1. DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW
IN MY RUSTY CHEVROLET
DOWN THE ROAD I GO
SLIDING ALL THE WAY
I NEED NEW PISTON RINGS
I NEED SOME NEW SNOW TIRES
MY CAR IS HELD TOGETHER
BY A PIECE OF CHICKEN WIRE
CHORUS:
RUST AND SMOKE THE HEATER'S BROKE
THE DOOR JUST BLEW AWAY
I LIGHT A MATCH TO SEE THE DASH
AND THEN I START TO PRAY
THE FRAME IS BENT THE MUFFLER WENT
THE RADIO IT'S OK
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO DRIVE
THIS RUSTY CHEVROLET
2. I WENT TO THE IGA
TO GET SOME CHRISTMAS CHEER
I JUST PASSED UP MY LEFT FRONT TIRE
AND ITS GETTING HARD TO STEER
SKIDDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY
RIGHT PAST THE NEGAUNEE COPS
I HAD TO DRAG MY SWAMPERS
TO GET THE CAR TO STOP
(REPEAT CHORUS)
3. BOUNCING THROUGH THE SNOWDRIFTS
IN A BIG BLUE CLOUD OF SMOKE
PEOPLE LAUGH AS I DRIVE BY
I WONDER WHAT'S THE JOKE
I GOT TO GET TO SHOPKO
TO PICK UP THE LAYAWAY
CAUSE SANTA CLAUS IS COMING SOON
IN HIS BIG OLD RUSTY SLEIGH
(REPEAT CHORUS)
And I really have no idea on the sandwich.
IN MY RUSTY CHEVROLET
DOWN THE ROAD I GO
SLIDING ALL THE WAY
I NEED NEW PISTON RINGS
I NEED SOME NEW SNOW TIRES
MY CAR IS HELD TOGETHER
BY A PIECE OF CHICKEN WIRE
CHORUS:
RUST AND SMOKE THE HEATER'S BROKE
THE DOOR JUST BLEW AWAY
I LIGHT A MATCH TO SEE THE DASH
AND THEN I START TO PRAY
THE FRAME IS BENT THE MUFFLER WENT
THE RADIO IT'S OK
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO DRIVE
THIS RUSTY CHEVROLET
2. I WENT TO THE IGA
TO GET SOME CHRISTMAS CHEER
I JUST PASSED UP MY LEFT FRONT TIRE
AND ITS GETTING HARD TO STEER
SKIDDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY
RIGHT PAST THE NEGAUNEE COPS
I HAD TO DRAG MY SWAMPERS
TO GET THE CAR TO STOP
(REPEAT CHORUS)
3. BOUNCING THROUGH THE SNOWDRIFTS
IN A BIG BLUE CLOUD OF SMOKE
PEOPLE LAUGH AS I DRIVE BY
I WONDER WHAT'S THE JOKE
I GOT TO GET TO SHOPKO
TO PICK UP THE LAYAWAY
CAUSE SANTA CLAUS IS COMING SOON
IN HIS BIG OLD RUSTY SLEIGH
(REPEAT CHORUS)
Post by: 280plus on March 13, 2006, 09:25:06 AM
Post by: Guest on March 13, 2006, 12:35:47 PM
Post by: cosine on March 13, 2006, 06:20:00 PM
)I found some old George Burns and Gracie Allen Shows on the Internet a few days ago and was watching some of 'em.
[Gracie Allenism](paraphrased) Well, if the members of the government are supported by the taxes we pay, that's where their salaries come from, why can't we list them as dependants and deduct them? [/Gracie Allenism] :/
Post by: Standing Wolf on March 14, 2006, 06:54:46 PM
Post by: grampster on March 15, 2006, 11:32:40 AM
Post by: Elmer Snerd on March 15, 2006, 12:26:59 PM
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up.... let me get my hat."
Post by: Bill2k1 on March 16, 2006, 07:54:15 PM
Post by: Harold Tuttle on March 17, 2006, 04:23:51 AM
Last Memorial day, i spent an afternoon chatting with her donchaknow.
Far-out? Nope, Far-go
Post by: grampster on March 17, 2006, 10:39:46 AM
Post by: Guest on March 17, 2006, 05:43:34 PM
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other, we both took cover in the ditches alongside the road".
I yelled to him that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag", and he yelled back that "Senator Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk.."
So I said that "Osama bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by saying "Oh Yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton."
"We were standing there in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Post by: Guest on March 17, 2006, 05:45:45 PM
A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery,
she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of
course I made donation to the church...that was $500, and I
spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know.
The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?
HOW BIG IS IT ? ? ?
The widow says, "Three carats".
Post by: Guest on March 17, 2006, 05:48:20 PM
"What the American people have seen is this incredible disparity in which those people who had cars and money got out and those people who were impoverished drowned."
-- Senator Ted Kennedy, on Hurricane Katrina
"Ditto!"
-- Mary Jo Kopechne
(That's all for tonight-tomorrow I'll learn to do it all in one post!)
Post by: 280plus on March 18, 2006, 03:47:12 AM
> > > After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I
> > > can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"
> > > The other guy responds proudly, Yes, that I am"
> > > The first guy says, "So am I And where about from Ireland might you
> > > be?"
> > > The other guy answers, I'm from Dublin, I am."
> > > The first guy responds, Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
> > > did you
> > > live on in Dublin ?"
> > > The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
> > > Street
> > > in the old central part of town."
> > > The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I.
> > > And to what school would you have been going?"
> > > The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
> > > The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
&g! t; > > what year
> > > did you graduate?"
> > > The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
> > > The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
> > > I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
> > > tonight.
> > > Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in
> > > 1964 my own self."
> > > About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
> > > beer.
> > > Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
> > > "It's going to be a long night tonight"
> > > Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
> > > "The Murphy twins are drunk again.
Post by: jamz on March 18, 2006, 07:27:39 AM
Post by: 280plus on March 18, 2006, 05:04:42 PM
>>
>>"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn
>>
>>Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself!!"
>>
>>"What was that?" the operator exclaimed.
>>
>>"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with
>>
>>himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please
>>
>>send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
>>
>>"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
>>
>>"Because, you damn fool, if he was a Republican, he'd be screwing
>>
>>somebody!"
Post by: doczinn on March 18, 2006, 09:39:42 PM
"A US Marine can kick any Iranian's ass!"
So the Battalion Commander sends a man over to investigate. Blood spurts up into the air, body parts fly, and the man doesn't come back. The same voice is heard again:
"A US Marine can kick any two Iranians' asses!"
The commander, getting smarter, sends a squad to investigate. Blood spurts into the air, body parts fly, and the squad is lost forever. The voice is heard again:
"A US Martine can kick any fifty Iranians' asses!"
Not taking any chances, the commander now sends an entire company over the berm to take on this crazy Marine. Blood spurts into the air, body parts fly, and finally one man drags himself over the berm. He falls at the commander's feet, and his dying words are:
"It's a trap, there's two of 'em!"