Today's Joke

[mtnbkr]

Not mine...


It was entertainment night at the old peoples home and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.


As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth whilequietly chanting,


"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until just as he was ready to start, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"*expletive deleted*it!" said the Hypnotist...




It took three weeks to clean up the old peoples home

[K Frame]

You should be beaten for that.

[grampster]

An elderly couple was in church.  The lady leaned over and whispered to her husband and said, "I just passed some silent gas, what should I do?"  To which her elderly husband replied, "First thing you should do is get a new battery for your hearing aid."

[mtnbkr]

You should be beaten for that.

Lemme guess... you snorted.

Chris

[crt360]

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No , its Thursday."

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

" No," he replied, "arthritis."

[K Frame]

"Lemme guess... you snorted."

In derision and disgust, yes....

[DJJ]

Monica Lewinsky took "the dress" to the cleaners. "Could you clean this for me?" she asked. The cleaner guy was a little hard of hearing, though, so he said, "Come again?"

"No, mustard".

[Elmer Snerd]

Two guys walked into a bar.  The third guy ducked.

[doczinn]

That's one of my favorites, but it's amazing how many don't get it.

[erik the bold]

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner.
Which one is the prostitute ?
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The one with the sticker that says Idaho......

[Guest]

A Yooper man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Yooper says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the foreman asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Yooper.

"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Yooper stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree
"Ere you go."

The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The foreman is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Yooper, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Yooper stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Yooper leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when do I start?"

[280plus]

Two guys of non descript ancestry were out in the hot sun digging a ditch. Meanwhile the foreman is sitting in the shade of a tree just watching them. Finally one turns to the other and says, "How come we're always digging out in the sun and he's always sitting in the shade watching us?" The other one says, "I don't know, why don't you go ask him?" So he climbs out of the hole and goes over to ask the foreman why this is so. The foreman says, "Ah, intelligence!" "Intelligence?" says the worker, "What is this intelligence?" The foreman places his outstretched hand on the tree and says, "Hit my hand." But when he takes his swing the foreman pulls his hand away and he smashes his fist on the tree. He says, "Ohhh, now I get it." So he goes back down into the hole and his buddy asks, "So what did he say?" The worker said, "Intelligence!" Buddy says, "What is this "intelligence?" So he places his outstretched hand over his face and says, "Hit my hand!"

[Guest]

I apologize in advance for this joke. I have no excuse except that it cracked me up:
 

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal
was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it
go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring
him
back to reality, whispering:


But Dave...You're a veterinarian.

[Perd Hapley]

A Yooper?  Had to google it, but I figured it out.  Why not substitute "Canadian"?  It's ever so much more fun, and we all understand what it means.

280, you have to point out that the well-digger put his hand over his face because that was the only hard surface in that muddy hole.

Boy, I really know how to rain on a joke thread.

[Guest]

You DID NOT just compare a Yooper to a Canadian. Right?

Wow. That's just..wrong.

[garyk/nm]

I apologize in advance for this joke. I have no excuse except that it cracked me up:
 

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal
was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it
go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring
him
back to reality, whispering:


But Dave...You're a veterinarian.

Barbara, you are just... bad.
Funny, but ....bad.

[280plus]

280, you have to point out that the well-digger put his hand over his face because that was the only hard surface in that muddy hole.

I respectfully disagree, the DITCH digger put his hand over his face because he's not so smart...

[280plus]

40 Years Together

  A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to
look for him.

She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a
cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring
at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a
sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps
into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 40 years ago
when we were
dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The
wife is touched to
tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember
when your mother caught us behind the couch making
love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself
into a chair beside
him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when she
shoved a shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I
will send you to
jail for 40 years?'"

"I remember that, too." she replies softly. He wipes
another tear from
his cheek and says "I would have gotten out today."

[jefnvk]

Veternarian one, funny.

fistful, bad.  Just don't do it.

Me favorite Eino and Toivo (Yooper) joke:

A few years back, on the opening day of deer season, Eino and Toivo went hunting together. Sure enough, as was bound to happen with Eino and Toivo in the same swamp with guns, Eino accidently shot Toivo. Well, Eino jumps into the truck, drives down to the nearest bar and calls the ambulance. Soon, the police, game wardens, fire trucks, paramedics and the ambulance all show up at the scene of the tragedy. The paramedics work frantically on Toivo while a nervous Eino waits nearby. Finally, one of the exhausted paramedics comes over to Eino. "I'm sorry," he says, "We did everything we could. We just couldn't save him." "OH NO!" cries Eino. "My best friend! What will I do? I'm so sorry, Toivo! What could I have done to save you?" "Well," said the paramedic, with a look of disgusted anger on his face, "It would've helped if you hadn't gutted him first!"

[Sylvilagus Aquaticus]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

--------------------------------------------------

 
The day after his crabby wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State
Troopers.
 
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.
 
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
 
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
 
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,"Give me the bad news
first."
 
The trooper said,? I?m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
 
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"
 
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
 
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great
news?"
 
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow !

-----------------------------------------------------------------
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
   After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,
  he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".
 
  A little concerned about that comment,
   I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
 
  He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink  beer/wine?"
  "Oh no," I replied.  "I'm not doing either."
 
  Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
  I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
 
  "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing  golf,
   sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
  No, I don't," I said.
 
  He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
  "No," I  said.  "I don't do any of those things."
 
  He looked at me and said,
  "Then why do you give a *expletive deleted*it if you live to be 80?"
 
------------------------------------------------

Regards,
Rabbit.

[Sylvilagus Aquaticus]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.

They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute
small bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge
enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's
clothes ....

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."


-------------

Regards,
Rabbit.

[grampster]

Eh, dem yooper jokes is gettin me a little unsettled, eh?  I tink I gots to go to da bar and tink about dem tings you says, eh?

and don't be talkin' dat cahnada stuff eder, eh?  I gotta get me a pastie and tink again, eh?

[Perd Hapley]

You DID NOT just compare a Yooper to a Canadian. Right?

Wow. That's just..wrong.

So...

That is insulting to Yoopers?  Again, I don't get it.

[Guest]

Yah, eh!

[erik the bold]

YOOPER FISHIN'

A Yooper was stopped by the Department of Natural Resources (DNR) warden in Michigans Upper Peninsula recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

The DNR warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of dem dere licenses, no. Dese here are my pet fish, eh."

"Pet fish?" asked the warden.

"Ya. Every night I take dese here fish down to da lake and let dem swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and dey jump right back into dis here ice chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the DNR warden.

The Yooper looked at the DNR warden for a moment and then he said, "It's da truth Mr. Warden, I'll show you, eh. It really works."

"Okay", said the DNR warden (being a troll), "I've GOT to see this!"

The Yooper poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the DNR warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the Yooper.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The Yooper said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the Yooper.

Yoopers may not be as smart as some of dem dere city slickers, but they aren't as dumb as some government employees either....