Today's Joke

[grampster]

Dat's Fahrgoh, Hahrold, eh?

[Guest]

Meeting of Minds

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

 

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other, we both took cover in the ditches alongside the road".

 

 I yelled to him that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag", and he yelled back that "Senator Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk.."

 

So I said that "Osama bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"

 

He retaliated by saying "Oh Yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton."  

 

"We were standing there in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[Guest]

Estate Planning & Burial Costs

A woman's husband dies.  He had $30,000 to his name.  
 
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery,
she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of
course I made donation to the church...that was $500, and I
spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know.
The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?

HOW BIG IS IT ? ? ?

The widow says, "Three carats".

[Guest]

Quotable Quotes:

"What the American people have seen is this incredible disparity in which those people who had cars and money got out and those people who were impoverished drowned."

 -- Senator Ted Kennedy, on Hurricane Katrina


 


 "Ditto!"

 -- Mary Jo Kopechne


(That's all for tonight-tomorrow I'll learn to do it all in one post!)

[280plus]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
> > > After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I
> > > can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"
> > > The other guy responds proudly, Yes, that I am"
> > > The first guy says, "So am I And where about from Ireland might you
> > > be?"
> > > The other guy answers, I'm from Dublin, I am."
> > > The first guy responds, Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
> > > did you
> > > live on in Dublin ?"
> > > The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
> > > Street
> > > in the old central part of town."
> > > The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I.
> > > And to what school would you have been going?"
> > > The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
> > > The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
&g! t; > > what year
> > > did you graduate?"
> > > The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
> > > The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
> > > I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
> > > tonight.
> > > Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in
> > > 1964 my own self."
> > > About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
> > > beer.
> > > Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
> > > "It's going to be a long night tonight"
> > > Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
> > > "The Murphy twins are drunk again.

[jamz]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

[280plus]

A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells,
>>
>>"Help, send the police to my house right away!  There's a damn
>>
>>Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself!!"
>>
>>"What was that?" the operator exclaimed.
>>
>>"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with
>>
>>himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid!  Please
>>
>>send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
>>
>>"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
>>
>>"Because, you damn fool, if he was a Republican, he'd be screwing
>>
>>somebody!"

[doczinn]

An Iranian battalion is marching through the desert toward when from over a berm they hear a voice:

"A US Marine can kick any Iranian's ass!"

So the Battalion Commander sends a man over to investigate. Blood spurts up into the air, body parts fly, and the man doesn't come back. The same voice is heard again:

"A US Marine can kick any two Iranians' asses!"

The commander, getting smarter, sends a squad to investigate. Blood spurts into the air, body parts fly, and the squad is lost forever. The voice is heard again:

"A US Martine can kick any fifty Iranians' asses!"

Not taking any chances, the commander now sends an entire company over the berm to take on this crazy Marine. Blood spurts into the air, body parts fly, and finally one man drags himself over the berm. He falls at the commander's feet, and his dying words are:











"It's a trap, there's two of 'em!"