Why am I such a chicken?

[The Annoyed Man]

I have this stupid problem.  I can't muster up the courage to ask girls out.

In college, in my freshman year, I had girls who were really quite wonderful actually whom I really wanted to ask out, but didn't.  Here's the kicker, it was obvious that they wanted me to ask them out.  One had a friend of hers tell a friend of mine that she "liked me and maybe I should ask her out".  I didn't.  I'm a chicken.  Another, came into my dorm room, closed the door, and basically cornered me.  I chickened out again and diverted all of her attempts to get into some sort of relationship oriented conversation.

Throughout the rest of college, it was more or less the same.  I never asked girls out.  The only times that I actually went on dates is when they got frustrated enough with me not asking them out that they finally asked me out.  I was always uncomfortable with it even then and always found some reason in my mind that I wouldn't want to go on a second date with them.  One of the reasons was as stupid as "she ordered a salad with salmon and only ate the salmon.... she wastes food!" - how dumb is that?

Then it didn't help when one girl I was close with went neurotic on me.

What is my issue?  I know this isn't a psychology forum, but I've gathered that most of the members are guys... so I figured it's worth a shot asking what you all think.

Even recently, when I started training at a gym, my first trainer who was a model and personal trainer tried getting me to ask her out.  I just couldn't do it.  When I switched trainers to a guy, she then asked, "Now that I'm not your trainer anymore, maybe we can go out sometime?".... and I chickened out yet again, for the millionth time in my life.

I have to be defective or something.  What got me thinking about this just now is that another girl I know (another one who has shown interest) just called and asked me what I was doing tonight - I lied and told her I was busy...... I'm not.

It's not that I don't like these girls and am not interested in them - I just somehow get uncomfortable with the whole date concept.

The only girls I routinely hang out with are very close friends I've known since early childhood and whom I know are not interested in me.  That's pretty much the only time I'm comfortable with them.  Oh, and one girl whom I haven't known since childhood I hang out with and feel comfortable because she's a lesbian and know she doesn't swing that way.  It is fun being able to talk about girls with her though, I'll admit that.  I actually talked to her about this issue and she had no idea what to tell me.

I know I'm not homosexual... definitely heterosexual.... I just seem to have some kind of irrational anxiety about dates.  I think it's that even though I like women, somehow they scare me.  Does that make any sense?

Anyways, any thoughts are appreciated.  I'm just curious as to why I like girls but can't ask them out; and why when they finally ask me out and I go on a date, I'm entirely uncomfortable the whole time.

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

perhaps the self preservation instinct is strong in you?
i used to drink to make myself relax smoking pot made me too inert.
i got married real young learned to "date" from the young guys that worked for me when i was 24 and got divorced. i used a lotta boozer and don't reccomend that method. maybe just relax and let things happen in their own time. i know i would hate hearing that at your age

[never_retreat]

Are you gay by chance?

[The Annoyed Man]

Are you gay by chance?

Absolutely 100% sure that I'm not.

The only thing I can think of is that I have a combination of a fear of intimacy and a fear of commitment..... probably a fear of rejection too.

The fear of rejection would explain why I can't get myself to ask them out.
The fear of intimacy would explain why when girls make advances on me I divert things.
The fear of commitment would explain why when I finally go on dates, I find some trivial reason why I not want to go on a second date.

Maybe that's it?  Or I was correct in originally saying that I'm just a chicken plain and simple.

[De Selby]

Are you gay by chance?

Absolutely 100% sure that I'm not.

The only thing I can think of is that I have a combination of a fear of intimacy and a fear of commitment..... probably a fear of rejection too.

The fear of rejection would explain why I can't get myself to ask them out.
The fear of intimacy would explain why when girls make advances on me I divert things.
The fear of commitment would explain why when I finally go on dates, I find some trivial reason why I not want to go on a second date.

Maybe that's it?  Or I was correct in originally saying that I'm just a chicken plain and simple.

Obsessing over little details to the point of paralysis will do this to you.

You might actually want to consider seeing a medical professional.  Not to alarm, but constant obsession with things like "she ate the fish, not the lettuce" and then worrying about worrying might be something you need a kick-start to get past.

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

fearis gods way of keeping yourself away from things that can hurt you

[French G.]

Stop eating soy? 

[esheato]

First things first...spend less time on here! 

[The Annoyed Man]

You might actually want to consider seeing a medical professional.  Not to alarm, but constant obsession with things like "she ate the fish, not the lettuce" and then worrying about worrying might be something you need a kick-start to get past.

I think I'll maybe try a psychologist.  I don't have a problem with that.

I'm only worried about this because I just feel like I need to get over this already or I'm going to miss the boat.  I'm already half way through my twenties and I need to start getting more serious in the dating scene or I'm going to miss out on the good catches.

It just seems stupid that I have a problem entirely opposite that of most guys.  Most guys seem to complain about rejection whenever they ask out girls.  I seem to have the problem that plenty of girls like me, but I for whatever reason am too afraid to get involved.  I'm not even all that good looking, I'm somewhat heavy and already starting to bald a little bit (just a little).

I think another part of it is that I'm so career oriented that subconsciously I don't want to let any girl or woman stand in my way.  Of course, if I wait until my career takes off, I'll have missed the boat.

[Tallpine]

Obsessing over little details to the point of paralysis will do this to you.

He's studying to be a lawyer.  What did you expect ?

[Werewolf]

Darwin always wins...

Ahhhh - just kidding.

I think I'll maybe try a psychologist.  I don't have a problem with that.

Which couldn't hurt. Try to find one that specializes in  or at least is familiar with your problem, which really isn't all that uncommon.

Anyway - Local AMA can probably point you at the right guy or gal.

That said: counseling only works if you really want it to work and that's half the battle. The shrink justs helps you focus a little more on the problem and how to overcome it.

[Gowen]

My wife just said for you to wear a shirt that says "Available."  Girls will ask you out. 

[BridgeRunner]

He's studying to be a lawyer.  What did you expect ?

Not yet.  Just wait 'til he's deep into 1L, then he'll be really neurotic.

Seriously, I'd find a good psychologist.  Actually, don't, but wait until you move and then find a good psychologist.  I have similar problems with social networking.  I see a counselor primarily to help me figure out how to handle the types of interactions that I need to handle to build a social and professional network.  Since I started with this about a year ago, I have begun building a network, and have concrete plans for continuing to build it.  As you know, that's gonna be essential for finding a job next year, so it's worth it.

You have trouble with a different kind of interaction.  A psychologist can probably help.  Actually, a social worker or counselor can help, but the trouble there is so many of them are just dumb, and/or man-hating feminists of the worst kind.  

Incidentally, I asked my husband out the first time.  And the second time.  I think he got around to it by the third time.

[De Selby]

You might actually want to consider seeing a medical professional.  Not to alarm, but constant obsession with things like "she ate the fish, not the lettuce" and then worrying about worrying might be something you need a kick-start to get past.

I think I'll maybe try a psychologist.  I don't have a problem with that.

I'm only worried about this because I just feel like I need to get over this already or I'm going to miss the boat.  I'm already half way through my twenties and I need to start getting more serious in the dating scene or I'm going to miss out on the good catches.

It just seems stupid that I have a problem entirely opposite that of most guys.  Most guys seem to complain about rejection whenever they ask out girls.  I seem to have the problem that plenty of girls like me, but I for whatever reason am too afraid to get involved.  I'm not even all that good looking, I'm somewhat heavy and already starting to bald a little bit (just a little).

I think another part of it is that I'm so career oriented that subconsciously I don't want to let any girl or woman stand in my way.  Of course, if I wait until my career takes off, I'll have missed the boat.

Just realize that a lot of obsessions are not things you can control easily yourself, so it's no shame getting a little help. 

[De Selby]

Obsessing over little details to the point of paralysis will do this to you.

He's studying to be a lawyer.  What did you expect ?

A pretense of attention to details to mask playing solitaire .

[Bigjake]

I need to start getting more serious in the dating scene or I'm going to miss out on the good catches.

That's not a real worry bro, trust me.  

Best advice, take the plunge sometime, you can't dodge unpleasant and potetialy painful forever, unless you plan on ending up pimping Ron Paul from a PC in yer mom's basement.  

The opposite sex can be one of the most wonderful things in the world, if you only give them a chance  

[Vodka7]

It just seems stupid that I have a problem entirely opposite that of most guys.  Most guys seem to complain about rejection whenever they ask out girls.  I seem to have the problem that plenty of girls like me, but I for whatever reason am too afraid to get involved.  I'm not even all that good looking, I'm somewhat heavy and already starting to bald a little bit (just a little).

Yeah, when you never ask anyone out, you definitely never get rejected

I mean, to me, it sounds like you've got a bunch of excuses built up in your head.  "Oh I can't ask her out because I need to lose five more pounds.  Oh I can't ask her out because I'm going to be moving soon.  Oh I can't ask her out because I have to concentrate on law school.  Oh I can't ask her out because my hairline is inching back a teensy weensy bit."  The point is, they're all in your head.  No one's perfect.

Like you said yourself, you're already halfway through your twenties, and the pool of attractive, intelligent, single women is not exactly getting any bigger.  Sure, some people would say to go see a psychiatrist, and yeah, that's a good idea, and may even help you.

My advice is to just find a girl you'd like to spend time with.  Not the one you want to marry, not one you want to have kids with, just one who you like talking to.  The next time you talk to her, just say "hey, you want to go out on a date sometime?"  And then go on a date with her.  I promise, it's that easy.  You'll be nervous as hell, maybe throw up a few times, who knows, but after you do it once it's gonna be easier every time after that.

[The Annoyed Man]

Yeah, when you never ask anyone out, you definitely never get rejected

I would only know if that happens if I were to actually start asking girls out.     As it stands the only time I seem to go on dates is when they ask me out.... and I'm hesitant even then.

I have a friend who is a psychologist.  I'll ask him for a recommendation as to who I should see and talk about this with.

[Monkeyleg]

I'll second (or is it third or fourth?) the recommendation to see a psychologist.

I'll also play armchair psychologist and suspect that you may be having performance anxiety. Happens with many musicians before they go on stage, and also happens to guys at the wrong moment, if you get my drift.

Could it be that you're nervous about what comes next if you start to form a relationship?

[Sindawe]

How is your self esteem and self confidence?  Be truthfull.

The opposite sex can be one of the most wonderful things in the world, if you only give them a chance

Truth.  They can also be your worst nightmare if you chose unwisely.

[The Annoyed Man]

.Cheese.,

I could swear that cloning is still illegal in the U.S., but you and I could be twin brothers. Your story is practically the same as mine. I'm in my early twenties, shy throughout college, blah blah blah. I've heard the "Are you gay?" jokesters so much that the people who kept asking/joking eventually got tired of joking about it.

For me, it is/was best summed up as a fear of commitment. My mother was married three times, divorced twice, (working on that third divorce) and my father was married twice, divorced twice (finally learned his lesson and will not marry again). So, I think it needless to explain my theory that there is some gene that causes relationship failure, and it is a dominant trait in my bloodline.

Or at least, I thought that for a long time. Not so much now.

How did I get out of my dilemma? Well, I'm not quite in the clear, honestly. I still have a great fear of asking women on dates, and oddly enough, the fear is that they will say yes. At that point, I ask "****, now what?" I also have never scheduled a second date.

Alcohol. . . seriously. But that can backfire, and I too would advise seeing a doctor, before going that route. Yet, even my closest friends say I am the life of the party when I'm a bit buzzed, and all my inhibitions go on sabbatical when I put my liver to work (asking women to go on dates is no problem at such a point, but remembering conversations can be challenging). Most importantly, I do not over-analyze in such a condition, which I think is a big obstacle. Fortunately, I am not an angry drunk (at least, no indications thus far). I also refuse to drink in solitude, for fear of it leading to alcoholism (relationship failure isn't the only gene that runs in my family  ). It is a tool to be used with great care.

But, there is another option, and this one actually is harder to accomplish.

Get FED UP! . . . seriously. You've heard the "Don't wallow in your self pity" argument, I'm sure. Well, here it is again:

I'm finally disgusted with being alone, and I'm faced with the stark realization that it is possible I will be alone indefinitely, if I continue on this course. Some people reach this point later than others, and some may never reach it at all. You have to essentially make yourself angry about your situation, but be sure to harness that anger and mold it into something positive (no, beating your dog will not help you get a girlfriend, nor will smashing things to pieces).

[seeker_two]

If you're looking for perfection in a woman, then you're guaranteed a lonely life....

Push through and go for it....at worst, this will make good practice for meeting the one you DO find "perfect"....

...and do go see a psychologist, too.....

[grislyatoms]

If you're looking for perfection in a woman, then you're guaranteed a lonely life....

Push through and go for it....at worst, this will make good practice for meeting the one you DO find "perfect"....

Sage advice, this. I let a couple of fantastic women slip by due to this very situation.

I hoist my glass of Geritol and bid salud to Tara and Brenda.


 

[The Annoyed Man]

How is your self esteem and self confidence?  Be truthfull.

The weird thing is that they're both pretty good and I'm a pretty happy guy as well.

This really is the only issue that I currently have as a major obstacle in my life.

I'm finally disgusted with being alone, and I'm faced with the stark realization that it is possible I will be alone indefinitely, if I continue on this course.

Exactly.  To make matters worse, I only have myself to blame, because it's not like I can use the argument that I've never had any opportunities for relationships.  I've had plenty, and I just chickened out.

As for alcohol though, I'm not big on it.  On rare occasion at a fine restaurant I'll have a scotch on the rocks, but that's about it.  Maybe two beers on the 4th of July and New Years, but I hardly drink at all.

[El Tejon]

Nothing wrong with the boy.  He's young and he's lead a sheltered life.

Get out there and get a big healthy dose of fail with women.

You are a man, you have the iniative.  It is your job to take the arrows.  Go get them.