Losing your dad. Been 2 months. No better.

[Sean Dempsey]

I figured this was a good place to post this. I don't have alot of friends, and most of them are too self absorbed to care. I know there are alot of true Men (capital M) here and they'll sympathize.

Basically, my dad died of lung cancer in June. I am 27 with a 3 year old son. He was a big harley dude, big beard, bigger biceps, bigger beer belly, bigger personality. In our town of around 50,000, he was sort of the "leader" of that crowd. Just normal guys, not biker gangs or anything, but still, they all called him the "cruise director" since he was basically the Frank Sinatra of his huge group of friends, the chairman of the board.

I am just now realizing that not only was he my dad, but also that he really was my leader too. He was the general, I was just a regular soldier.

I don't know. I guess I just need some other men to at least say "I understand", because most of my friends I am realizing are not very good friends. The pain and the ache and echo it leaves is too hard to describe unless you've felt it.

He was 52 years old.

[Ezekiel]

I cannot pretend to understand, but I do sympathize. 

[MechAg94]

I'm sorry for your loss.  You can only go forward though. 

I think I am likely a bit older than you.  My Dad is someone I lean on a lot more than I think I do sometimes.  I run things by them quite often.  Just knowing he and my mother are still there is a great comfort even today.  I can't really imagine losing them and don't really want to.  I think I will give them an extra hug next time I see them. 

[Antibubba]

Welcome to the Armed Polite Society.

I consider the men (and women) here to be my friends.  This is a good place.

Two months is still yesterday.  All you can do is be the kind of father and leader to your son as your father was to you.

[roo_ster]

You have my sympathies.

The death of any good man is a tragedy for the rest of us.

[Stevie-Ray]

Well, Sean, I'm 52. I lost my dad in 1987 and still miss him every day. I still drink a toast to him every New Year's Eve, the anniversary of his death. If you were as close to your dad as I was to mine, expect the impact of losing him to last about 6 months. Time heals all wounds, but the healing is gradual. My dad was gone a year or so before I could talk about him without choking up. He was my buddy from the time I was about 14 or so. We went to movies together, as we were both science fiction fans and my mother wasn't. When I got married in 1975, he confessed to my mother about 6 months later how much he missed me. Well, the feeling was mutual and the wife and I then made a point of spending every Friday night with my folks playing cards. It was always a regular party with Dad and me working on a 12 pack, the wife and Mom with their fruity mixed drinks and snacks. Thinking back, those were some of the happiest times of my life. My mom didn't heal so quickly. She was still empty inside for several years and I can understand, as I've been married for 33 years to the greatest girl in the world, and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost her, though I doubt very much if I'd remarry. Mom has a boyfriend now, and he's one of the greatest guys I've ever met. She's 86, he's 85 and they depend on each other just like their departed spouses. He's not my dad, nor does he pretend to be. But they sure are good for each other. Now, when my dad is mentioned, it's the good things, only the good things. He was the best dad in the world and he deserves that. But he lived long enough to see all his kids do even better than him. And even though I think he deserved to live longer, isn't that what all good dads want most?

Your dad sounds like a great guy, also. The pain will ease, albeit slowly. But then there will be the good things, only the good things.

Good luck, man.

[Grandpa Shooter]

I am glad you got to spend quality time with your Dad.  Mine left the family when I was young and it wasn't until I came back from Vietnam that I had any clue what he was about.  He died when I was in my early thirties.  Be glad you have good memories of your Dad.  Cherish those memories and the time you had together.

It's the good times that make it all worthwhile.

[280plus]

Lost dad 10 years ago 10/31. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think about him. It gets easier over time but it never goes away. He'd want you to be strong and carry on, that's what you should do. 

[HankB]

I lost my Dad in 1986 to a stroke related to his three-pack-a-day cigarette habit . . . he just sat down in his easy chair, went to sleep, and didn't wake up. He was only 66.

He was a great guy, a great father . . . when I was little he used to tell me about his WWII combat experiences, but as I got older, he didn't sanitize his stories as much (It didn't sound like fun any more) and I got to appreciate what he'd been through.

He taught me a lot, and instilled a sense of responsibility in me at an early age; he also was responsible for giving my mother a lot of gray hair. (I had a BB gun at 4, a .22 rifle at 7, an air pistol at 11, and got a .22 revolver for 8th grade graduation. But it never even occured to me to do something nefarious.)

He always gave me good advice, even as I got older.

I miss him . . .

[Ex-MA Hole]

My Wife lost her Mom, who was also her best friend, 2 1/2 years ago.  My Wife is lost.

I can only begin to imagine your pain.

Welcome to our little corner.

For the most part, we are a good should to lean and to cry on.

M

[The Annoyed Man]

  Welcome, here.
 I'm not a guy, but you have my sympathies; my folks have both been gone for a quarter century, and I still miss them. But the pain changes from being the loss of an arm and leg, to being a sore place. Part of the key to recovery is to keep him Real. His life was his, and yours is yours. You don't have to fill his shoes; just fill yours.
  I'm sorry for your loss.

[AJ Dual]

52 is indeed too young.

There is a lot going on in your head with a loss like that. And as others have mentioned, it's probably not all just simple loss/pain. Anger, denial, etc... All that mixed up can be/feel like a real mess. It's okay to find someone to talk to, a pastor, a trusted relative, or even a professional. Beyond just the loss, there may be other things that you're not directly aware of that are bothering you, and it may take some digging to realize what they are.

After years of overcoming many, many, major medical problems, I just lost my Grandmother to heart failure last week. She cared for me when my mother left my father and I when I was only two, and did so until I was in full-time school and my father had re-married. For that and other reasons, I was also sort of like her youngest son, and (while it makes me feel a bit guilty/uncomfortable) most likely her favorite grandchild.

She was 85, had a full life, and lived to know her eight grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren, so it was a much more "normal" death than what you're dealing with. FWIW, what I've been doing is just focusing on being happier at her life, than sad at her death.

[K Frame]

My Dad died in February 2007. It was a very tough time. I lost a treasured dog two weeks before Dad died, and I lost my other dog less than 4 months after that.

From experience, two months is absolutely nothing.

Almost two years later I occasionally pick up the phone intending to call Dad to ask his advice on something.

[grampster]

Sean,

Welcome to the campfire.  I'm 65.  I lost my dad in '99 and he was 92.  My mom just passed away in July.  She was nearly 97.  It is easier to lose a parent when you have had them for a long time, even into your own dotage.

Part of the loss and sadness you are experiencing is that your dad was young when he passed.  Recognize that is a tougher situation.  Probably you feel like he was cheated out of life somehow.  Maybe some of the sorrow you have is for him, rather than yourself.  If so, that is a telling emotion that he was successful in his raising of you.  But I imagine that you feel like you have been cheated as well.

Well, you are a part of him.  You came from him.  You have inside you much of what he was.  You say he had many friends and he was a sort of leader of his group.  If I were you, I would seek them out and let them embrace you.  They were his friends, so they will be your friends because they will see much of him in you.  They have a great loss as well.  In seeking them out, both you and they will have a connection to your dad that will be uplifting for all of you.  They will mentors to you and your son.  They'll like doing that.  You and your son will have mentors that had a deep connection with your dad.  Both of you will benefit from that.  You will not have your dad in the flesh, but through his friends, you will have him in spirit, as will they through you.

Good luck and Godspeed.

[Brad Johnson]

Welcome to APS, Sean.

Take heart that you and your dad were close enought that you still (and will always) miss him.  A lot of people never know that joy.

Brad

[Monkeyleg]

I don't know what it's like to lose a father, but I will very soon.

From your description of him as well-known and well-liked in your community, maybe you should seek out some of the people who knew him well and get them to talking about him. I'd bet you'll hear stories you never heard before.

I consider myself lucky that I had many breakfasts with my father over the last several years and discussed almost everything. I'll cherish those times forever.

[Waitone]

The baton has been passed from your dad to you.  You are now the leader of your little one.  Set about creating memories for the little one.  The memories of your dad are fixed and permanent.  You can create memories for your son.  Concentrate on him.  I would give every thing I have to talk to my grandson one last time.  Do not ignore him.

[Lee]

My sincere condolences.  Sometimes people just don't know how to deal with other people's loss.  I will always remember the co-workers who approached me when my father died and simply said, "I'm very sorry".  A few simple and sincere words can mean a whole lot at a time like that.  Everyone else just avoided the subject.  I'm sure they all meant well; most people just didn't know how to express sympathy, or they are afraid it will upset you even more.  I think you'll find people will be more compassionate as time goes on and you start talking to them about him. 
Good advice from Waitone as well.  I'm sure your father wanted you to carry the torch after his passing. 

[trapperready]

Sean - I'm sorry about your loss. My own dad died when I was 20 years old. He was a WWII combat vet, one of the smartest and squared-away people I've ever known, and a constant source of friendship and knowledge. So I've got a pretty good idea of what you're going through.

I tend to look at the death of a loved one as having a huge hole ripped into your psyche. For a while, you keep peering over the edge of the whole, but you can't see the bottom and only see the darkness below. However, with each passing day, week, month and year, that hole fills in. Most of what fills the hole are the positive memories, recollections and stories. After a while, the hole doesn't seem so deep... and then one day, you find that it's not there at all. You can still miss the person and wish they were around, but you don't feel the overwhelming sense of loss and despair.

The time it takes is different for everyone. I'd bet it was every bit of two years for me when my dad died. It took a similar amount of time for my wife, when her father passed away a few years ago. Grief is normal and it can hang around for what seems like a long time. But it does get better, and it does eventually go away.

Good luck to you (and pay attention to Waitone's advice)!

[The Annoyed Man]

Sean, Do not despair of your friends. They are of your age group and being young and mostly inexperienced with the death of a loved one. They don't know how to approach you and most of them are likely embarrassed to the point of silence or they crack jokes. This is just a response to ease their insecurity.

I still have dreams about my son Jonathan. It has been 22yrs. since he left me for God's garden. I talk to him when I become depressed. Knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day I will be able to see him again gives me the strength to carry on. His face is clear in my mind to this day and I keep a picture of him close so as to refresh my weak memory. The pain of loss and the hole in my soul will never go away but it gets duller over time. Look to your wife and talk to her. Mine kept me sane and without her I would not be here typing this today. If you are not a church going man then seek council from some one close to your Dad.

If you wish to talk at anytime PM me and I will give you a contact #.

Jim