Engagement rings

[never_retreat]

Dose the APS contingent have any input on the subject?
Besides don't do it and "my fourth wife is good".
My plan is being moved up in the time line a bit so I need to start looking. I know she would like to be married with her mother still alive. I would feel like total crap if that happened because I was dragging my feet.

She never wears diamonds. I have nothing to base cuts that she might like.
Almost everything she wears is silver and stones. Rocks (not sure what they are called) or jade.
Any input would be good.

[charby]

Likes silver? Go with white gold or platinum.

Opal is the old traditonal engagement stone. I have seen engagement rings of opal, saphire, ruby and emerald.

Does she eyeball other ladies diamond rings? I've been married almost six years and my wife has been hinting at a bigger diamond ring for the past year, of course I'm not going to buy one. :)

[BridgeRunner]

Although Google indicates this suggestion has a lot of underlying debate, but I have some rhodium plated jewelry and some rhodium fountain pen nibs.  Very nice white metal, more attractive than silver, ideal for those you do not care for yellow gold.  Apparently "white gold" is frequently rhodium.  

I suggest caution in going with opal. Like pearls, it's pretty fragile.  If she's one of those people who does dumb things like mess around with car innards without removing rings, or even using household cleaning chemicals, it may not be ideal.  

Of course, I favor the idea of a custom dagger as an engagement gift, perhaps along with an inexpensive silver/CZ or other lab-created stone ring if she wants the customary "I
m engaged" indicator in public.  

[MrsSmith]

You might ask her mother or her best friend about her thoughts on diamonds. I, and several of my female friends, dislike diamonds for a variety of reasons.

I'd recommend white gold (if you can't afford platinum) over silver or any other metal. And I'd stay away from stones with strong colors like blue sapphires, rubies or emeralds because some women can be particular about that. I love my emeralds but I won't wear them if I'm wearing a different shade of green, pink or red because it just clashes. But engagement rings aren't meant to be swapped out to match attire. 
Sapphire's also come in white, which can be a very pretty and less expensive (but not cheap) alternative to diamonds and a step WAY above a CZ. White sapphires can be stunning. I agree with Bridge about the fragility of opals. I've never managed to keep one in one piece for more than a couple months.

You also need to consider what kind of wedding band she wants. If she wants a simple band, pretty much any straight sided ring will work but if she wants a set that's going to be a different matter. You can have a casual discussion about wedding bands without giving anything away. Just mention something about one of the guys you work with almost losing his wedding band in an accident or something and let it go from there. If you're good, she'll never suspect.

But I'd definitely consult the mom or the best friend for preferences. Ultimately she's going to love whatever you pick out because you took the time and effort to do so, but she'll hopefully be living with it for many years so an effort to make it something she'll like is extra brownie points.

[AJ Dual]

If it is to be a diamond, get the stone from a diamond exchange or broker directly.

Have the ring made by a local by-appointment jeweler/goldsmith.

If you want her input on the design or setting, but want to maintain the spontaneity of the proposal buy some inexpensive CZ ring for under $100 from a department store. http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/jewelry/shop_bystone/cubic_zirconia/rings/PRD~681979/Sterling+Silver+PrincessCut+Cubic+Zirconia+Ring.jsp

[Northwoods]

You might ask her mother or her best friend about her thoughts on diamonds. I, and several of my female friends, dislike diamonds for a variety of reasons.

I'd recommend white gold (if you can't afford platinum) over silver or any other metal. And I'd stay away from stones with strong colors like blue sapphires, rubies or emeralds because some women can be particular about that. I love my emeralds but I won't wear them if I'm wearing a different shade of green, pink or red because it just clashes. But engagement rings aren't meant to be swapped out to match attire. 
Sapphire's also come in white, which can be a very pretty and less expensive (but not cheap) alternative to diamonds and a step WAY above a CZ. White sapphires can be stunning. I agree with Bridge about the fragility of opals. I've never managed to keep one in one piece for more than a couple months.

You also need to consider what kind of wedding band she wants. If she wants a simple band, pretty much any straight sided ring will work but if she wants a set that's going to be a different matter. You can have a casual discussion about wedding bands without giving anything away. Just mention something about one of the guys you work with almost losing his wedding band in an accident or something and let it go from there. If you're good, she'll never suspect.

But I'd definitely consult the mom or the best friend for preferences. Ultimately she's going to love whatever you pick out because you took the time and effort to do so, but she'll hopefully be living with it for many years so an effort to make it something she'll like is extra brownie points.

Ben - are you taking notes?

My wedding ring is yellow gold with a piece of jade in lieu of jemstones.  

SWMBO's engagement/wedding ring has a small diamond in the center, and the channel set around it are alternating diamonds and emeralds.  Originally it was a 2-piece set up.  The engagement half contained the central diamond, and the wedding half got soldered on for the wedding.  It's not an obtrusive ring, and she was much happier with the thought and effort I put into sourcing it than she was with the jems by a long stretch.

She doesn't wear it much right now due to the desirable problem of having lost enough weight that her finger is now too small and she'd risk losing the ring if she wore it.  We haven't had a chance to get it resized yet.

[zahc]

My suggestion, based on a sample size of 1:

It doesn't matter if you like it, what you think is nice/cool/romantic/individual/whatever. It only matters what will satisfy the deep reptilian portions of her female brain.

My particular sample wanted to basically pick the thing out herself and then have me buy it and then we would both pretend that I bought it for her.

This type of thing used to annoy me, but it's all easier for me to understand now that I realize that engagement rings are 1. a scam perpetuated by debeers, but we already know that and 2. it's a 'put your money where your mouth is' gesture. Its social-evolutionary purpose is to signal to the deep reptillion structures of your partner's female brain that you are willing to expend resources on her offspring. As such, the MORE wasteful and pointless the object you actually buy, the more effective the signal. Such is the cost of doing business in the mating game.

[Monkeyleg]

My wife and I shopped for rings, and she saw many she liked. I went back and got the one I thought had elicited the strongest response.

None had diamonds that were much more than chips. 1/8 to 1/4 carat at best. It was the ring itself she liked. It wasn't inexpensive, but it wasn't outrageously priced, either.

Diamonds aren't for every woman (or guy).

[BobR]

Do a google search on Mokume Gane. Those are some very striking, without stones, rings.

bob

[MrsSmith]

Ben - are you taking notes?

You will be shot at sunrise without benefit of allowing your loved ones to mourn.

My suggestion, based on a sample size of 1:

It doesn't matter if you like it, what you think is nice/cool/romantic/individual/whatever. It only matters what will satisfy the deep reptilian portions of her female brain.  Really? You consider the brain of your mate to be reptilian?

My particular sample wanted to basically pick the thing out herself and then have me buy it and then we would both pretend that I bought it for her. Could be you've exhibited poor taste in the past or she recognizes that this is to be something she must wear on her finger and look at every day until she dies.

This type of thing used to annoy me, but it's all easier for me to understand now that I realize that engagement rings are 1. a scam perpetuated by debeers, but we already know that and 2. it's a 'put your money where your mouth is' gesture. Its social-evolutionary purpose is to signal to the deep reptillion structures of your partner's female brain that you are willing to expend resources on her offspring. As such, the MORE wasteful and pointless the object you actually buy, the more effective the signal. Such is the cost of doing business in the mating game.

I was very very proud of myself for not posting things of this nature. To the point where I even said as much in a post on our fb page. (In other words Zahc: you screwed the pooch here!)

AND, I got to be the good guy and give valid advice, but y'all fixed it so I could still make snotty and snide comments about my feelings for a ceremony that has NOTHING to do with the .gov and in recent decades also has nothing to do with a couple's love or intentions or goals.

Good night.

[seeker_two]

I agree with MsSmith's first post and will only add the following....

1.  Buy quality.

2.  Quality doesn't necessarily mean most expensive.

3.  It doesn't matter where you buy the ring, most high-end jewelry stores sell appropriately labled ring boxes for a small fee.

[grampster]

I'd buy her a 6 pack of Bohemia beer so you can celebrate popping the question.

My wife, after I proposed standing on a table in the local bar, 46 years ago, didn't want an engagement ring.  She picked out a nice wedding band in white gold.  It sort of had wing like jobbies on the top with 3 teeny diamond chips in the center.  She paid $65.00 for it.

[zahc]

Really? You consider the brain of your mate to be reptilian?

It's just a saying; has nothing to do with anyone in particular. Human brains are mammal brains, which is why the human brain is so huge (bird brains are much smaller per unit of smartness). But both supposedly evolved from reptile brains. So the theory is that the low-level brain functions of the brain stem and very primordial emotions are controlled by the "reptilian" portion of the brain, over which the higher cognitive functions have limited control. So if the female reptillian brain makes them like shiny rocks, men's reptillian brain is what makes us stare at breasts, engage in pointless competition, etc.

[Tallpine]

Call her on the phone and propose     ("give her a ring") 


I asked Ladypine one fine spring day while we were stripping multiple coats of old paint off of my aluminum canoe.  It was exceedingly romantic, what with caustic chemicals and both of us dressed in our scuzziest clothes.

[BlueStarLizzard]

I'm with mrs. smith and br.

Opels are very pretty, but if she does any hard work with her hands, its a no no. although, if she does like it, perhaps she could do what I did with my class ring (i don't like wearing rings when I'm doing certain things like riding) and wear it as a pendent on a chain.

I also think simple and sweet is good. The more ornate and larger the size, the more complicated it becomes to wear everyday.

And zahc, your being a tool. For any women worth giving one too, an engagement ring isn't about a ring, it's about the sentiment. And some women can be justifibly picky about it, as they are planning on wearing it everyday for the rest of their lives.

[zxcvbob]

When we got married we used Wife's grandmother's wedding ring and no engagement ring.  For our tenth anniversary, I bought her a nice-sized diamond solitaire in gold setting ring.  (and she never wears it)

10kt gold is harder than 14kt and it's cheaper, but it tarnishes.  14kt doesn't really tarnish.  There's no advantage going higher than 14kt unless she just *really* likes the color better. (my wedding ring is 10kt for the durability, OTOH I never wear it; rings are dangerous)

[MrsSmith]

Also, I think you should make the actual proposal at least somewhat memorable. I don't mean be extravagant, but give her a story to tell her girlfriends and your grandkids. I'm sure Ladypine loves telling how Tallpine proposed because it speaks to his style.

Be original - asking her in a restaurant has been done a million times, no matter how you present the ring.
Don't be goofy about it - hiding the ring in food or other nonsense.
Be yourself - do try to draw on your better traits, but don't do something out of character. She knows you and knows what she's getting herself into, so be yourself. And it should be geared toward who she is too. Don't do anything that's going to make her uncomfortable. I would be utterly mortified to have a marriage proposal splashed on a billboard or over loudspeaker but some women might find that romantic.

Also, do NOT say, "I know you want to get married while your mom is with us so I thought I'd propose now." A) She doesn't want to think about her mother dying during what's supposed to be one of the most memorable moments of her life, and B) She wants to believe that you're proposing because you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, not because of some outside influence, even if it is to make her happy.

And you do realize that us girls are gonna wanna hear all the details when the deed is done, so don't forget about us!

[MillCreek]

Call her on the phone and propose     ("give her a ring") 


I asked Ladypine one fine spring day while we were stripping multiple coats of old paint off of my aluminum canoe.  It was exceedingly romantic, what with caustic chemicals and both of us dressed in our scuzziest clothes.

It is possible that neither of you was competent to consent at the time, due to exposure to toxic fumes? 

[zxcvbob]

Also, I think you should make the actual proposal at least somewhat memorable. I don't mean be extravagant, but give her a story to tell her girlfriends and your grandkids. I'm sure Ladypine loves telling how Tallpine proposed because it speaks to his style.

I proposed to the now Mrs. Z'bob right after we watched an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus together.  She was pretending to be asleep because she thought I was about to propose -- but in hindsight she actually likes it because it makes a good story.

[MillCreek]

I am reminded of an old joke:

Woman:  When you propose, I want you on your knees

Man: I want you on your knees all the time, so it looks as if both of us are disappointed.

 

[BlueStarLizzard]

Also, I think you should make the actual proposal at least somewhat memorable. I don't mean be extravagant, but give her a story to tell her girlfriends and your grandkids. I'm sure Ladypine loves telling how Tallpine proposed because it speaks to his style.

Be original - asking her in a restaurant has been done a million times, no matter how you present the ring.
Don't be goofy about it - hiding the ring in food or other nonsense.
Be yourself - do try to draw on your better traits, but don't do something out of character. She knows you and knows what she's getting herself into, so be yourself. And it should be geared toward who she is too. Don't do anything that's going to make her uncomfortable. I would be utterly mortified to have a marriage proposal splashed on a billboard or over loudspeaker but some women might find that romantic.

Also, do NOT say, "I know you want to get married while your mom is with us so I thought I'd propose now." A) She doesn't want to think about her mother dying during what's supposed to be one of the most memorable moments of her life, and B) She wants to believe that you're proposing because you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, not because of some outside influence, even if it is to make her happy.

And you do realize that us girls are gonna wanna hear all the details when the deed is done, so don't forget about us!

Listin to the wise woman.

[Tallpine]

It is possible that neither of you was competent to consent at the time, due to exposure to toxic fumes? 

Highly probable

[grampster]

When would any man be considered competent?   Especially when he proposes.

[never_retreat]

I was thinking white gold to start with. I'm not sure if silver would be tacky. I have not looked at platinum, it seems like the price for platinum is the same as gold now. Is it harder to work with making the jewelery more expensive?
She really loves red, how does ruby compare to diamonds? Price? Or is that just tacky?
Getting married is not the surprise, only when I ask. She knows its coming.
I going to send one of her best friends a email and ask her. Can't ask mom, that will leak more than a screen door on a sub.
I did some recon tonight, think I found her old wedding ring. Very plain round smooth looking small setting. Don't know if she liked it hated it. So not necessarily a good start. I was more looking for the cut of the stone she might like but without a loop I can't tell what they are.

[seeker_two]

Also, I think you should make the actual proposal at least somewhat memorable. I don't mean be extravagant, but give her a story to tell her girlfriends and your grandkids. I'm sure Ladypine loves telling how Tallpine proposed because it speaks to his style.

Be original - asking her in a restaurant has been done a million times, no matter how you present the ring.
Don't be goofy about it - hiding the ring in food or other nonsense.
Be yourself - do try to draw on your better traits, but don't do something out of character. She knows you and knows what she's getting herself into, so be yourself. And it should be geared toward who she is too. Don't do anything that's going to make her uncomfortable. I would be utterly mortified to have a marriage proposal splashed on a billboard or over loudspeaker but some women might find that romantic.

Also, do NOT say, "I know you want to get married while your mom is with us so I thought I'd propose now." A) She doesn't want to think about her mother dying during what's supposed to be one of the most memorable moments of her life, and B) She wants to believe that you're proposing because you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, not because of some outside influence, even if it is to make her happy.

And you do realize that us girls are gonna wanna hear all the details when the deed is done, so don't forget about us!

I agree fully.....and will just add one small thing....

....when you propose, make sure you're wearing pants....this is more important than you think....