Advice...

[uvakat]

Okay I need people's advice on this. I have a half brother (mom's son) somewhere in the US that I've never met who I've only talked to once. I grew up as an only child and my brother called me when I was 16 to inform me I have a nephew. Somehow in the course of confronting my mother even over his existance, the blame and the guilt shifted to me (mom has a tendency to do that). I want to meet him finally 6 years later but I'm afraid to bring it up again. Every time I want to mention it or start to mention it to mom, I get told how horrible of a child I am or how ungrateful I am. I know it's just tactics to deter me but so far it's worked. I wish mom would realize that I am 22 and am old enough to know the truth at least. It's almost like seeing Jack Nickelson say "you can't handle the truth" multiple times. Unfortunately due to going back to school for another bachlors I am dependent on them financially since they won't even give up enough of their tax information for me to file for financial aid or loans. I'm tired of all the secrets but I'm not sure on how to confront them without it blowing up or without me in tears feeling like I am the worst daughter a parent could ever have. I know I am not who they wanted me to be. They are pacifists and umm I'm pretty much far from it. I don't know what else to do. It seems like some of the most important decisions in my life my friends had to support me emotionally. My ex-best friende stuck a knife to my throat a few years ago and threatened to stab me. When I notified the PD, my parents ended up blaming me for stiring up the waters and I believed them. They hate the fact I like to shoot and if they could, they would change out all of my friends for "suitable ones". They make fun of my accent (little Asain Girl with a southern accent kinda attacts attention). They tell me I'm "low class" to have the friends I do. They repeatily tell me that I'm fat and that I'll never find a guy to love me looking like this. I'm at a lost for what to do or how to even react anymore. I'm trying to finish a 4 year engineering degree in 2 and don't have the time for all of this running through my brain.

[RadioFreeSeaLab]

Wow, that's a touch situation.
My first thought is:

I'm trying to finish a 4 year engineering degree in 2 and don't have the time for all of this running through my brain.

Finish, and then get the hell away.

little Asain Girl with a southern accent kinda attacts attention

I bet

[Balog]

Just because they're your parents don't mean they aren't horrid, awful people. Sorry to say it, but if even a fraction of what you say is accurate (and I believe it all is) then they are unworthy of your time or concern. Remember, the parent/child contract goes both ways. You've more than held up your end.

Is it possible to try and work your way thru school? Not always easy, but it might be worth it to get out from under them. Maybe just take 4 years to finish it. Any chance of getting a scholarship? There are an amazing abundance of 'em out there if you're willing to look.

In any case, once you no longer need them to sustain yourself, cut them off. Inform them that you are a good, valuable person who will not stand being treated like *expletive deleted*it. Let them know that no matter how screwed up their lives are, you won't allow them to take it out on you. Take control. If they want to have a relationship with you, it'll be on your terms. One stab in the back, one vicious comment and POOF! You're gone, maybe we'll try again when they grow up. It may seem harsh, but think of it this way. Would you treat them the way they treat you?

[RadioFreeSeaLab]

Listen to Balog.

[Sindawe]

Finish, and then get the hell away.

I second that motion.  From your description you have a rather disfunctional family that buids themselves up by tearing you down.

They repeatily tell me that I'm fat and that I'll never find a guy to love me looking like this. I'm at a lost for what to do or how to even react anymore. I'm trying to finish a 4 year engineering degree in 2 and don't have the time for all of this running through my brain.

Even if you are over the "ideal weight", its a load of bilge, and one's body shape can be changed if YOU want it to.

My best "advice" at this point is do what you must to keep things peacefull in the home while you are there, and at the same time start building your own life outside of the home with YOUR friends and associates. You're 22 years old, legally an adult even if you are not yet self sufficient, though you are working on it.  Once you are self sufficient, move out and relate to your parents on YOUR terms.  If they can't handle it at that point, exchange cards and like but live your own life.  You can chose your friends, but you can't chose your family.

Can you contact this half-brother on your own?  If you know a name and general age, it should not take a whole lot of work to track him down.

They make fun of my accent (little Asain Girl with a southern accent kinda attacts attention).

Some guys find that kind of "non-fit the image" attractive, don't let your parents run you down about it.

[Stickjockey]

Girl, that just plain sucks rocks.

I am dependent on them financially since they won't even give up enough of their tax information for me to file for financial aid or loans.

Is there a reason that you, as a 22-year old, need their tax info to apply for a loan or grants? Why not give it a go on your own? Maybe talk to a financial aid councellor at school.

As for the rest of it, if you can swing it, it may be best for you to quietly go about finding a place of your own, a decent job which allows you to continue your studies, and just walk.

Nasty situation, for sure.

Edit: Wow, three posts just in the time it took to type this. We're here for ya kiddo!

[Felonious Monk/Fignozzle]

uvakat,
Wahoo Wa!

Family dynamics are difficult.  Ultimately, we come into this world naked and screaming, go through school, work, and death, and hopefully have some fun on the way.  

The folks say you're fat and will never find someone to love you for who you are? Don't take this wrong, but I love you already as a 2nd Amendment Sister.  You show great maturity and promise for the future, and that in itself is totally attractive.  Some don't base those decisions ONLY upon superficial appearances. You WILL find a nice guy, who shares your beliefs.
Disclaimer for the stoopid: I'm happily married, no 'pass' implied here.  Just encouragement.


Life is short. People matter.  Is there a way you can do the research and find your brother's contact info? What the parents don't know won't hurt them, OR you.  Contact him.  Establish a friendship.  Compare notes.  Be happy.  Once you're no longer financially dependent upon the parents, come "out of the closet" re: your brother.  What they do with that information is entirely due to their maturity/lack thereof.  
Yes, it may ultimately hurt your relationship with them.  That will be because of THEIR reaction; NOT yours.

I wish you all the best.  PS: I miss Virginia.
Fig

[DrAmazon]

uvakat,

If you're a full time student, consider using the campus counseling services (or campus ministry, whichever is appropriate) to unload some of this.  You're under way too much stuff right now to be effective.   There's nothing at all wrong with wanting to know more about who "your blood" is.  I'm adopted, and I think about it alot.  But to this point I've never searched because there has always been too much going on to take on the possible emotional burden of what I would find out.  If your brother has called once, he'll call again, and you have contact info for him.  Consider taking this on during summer break or in two years when school is out.  

Best of luck
DrAmazon

[uvakat]

Fig and Sinawe I don't have enough info to contact him... All I have is random facts like I have a sister-in-law named Amy and that he has a 6 year old son

I like me the way I am... Yes I carry a little bit more weight then my mother (who btw looks like a starving 3rd world child).



That's the most recent pic of me. I'm the one sitting up.


It just hurts that I'll have to cut ties with them or even damage a relationship like that.

Oh yeah I can't get financial aid because they make to much and they claim me as a dependent for tax purposes.

[RadioFreeSeaLab]

They are the ones who've damaged and destroyed the relationship, not you.
Any, by the way, you look good

[uvakat]

uvakat,
Wahoo Wa!

Wahoo Wa :-P Wow it's been awhile since I said that..

CLAS 2005

[Stickjockey]

Fig brings up a good point:

Every time I want to mention it or start to mention it to mom, I get told how horrible of a child I am or how ungrateful I am.

When I notified the PD, my parents ended up blaming me for stiring up the waters and I believed them. They hate the fact I like to shoot and if they could, they would change out all of my friends for "suitable ones". They make fun of my accent (little Asain Girl with a southern accent kinda attacts attention). They tell me I'm "low class" to have the friends I do. They repeatily tell me that I'm fat and that I'll never find a guy to love me looking like this.

This is their crap, not yours. Trust me, I know it's hard to believe, especially when you've grown up with it, but it's true.

[Felonious Monk/Fignozzle]

...and one more thing.  You MAY have enough.  Does he share a last name with you?  Do you recall from the one time he contacted you anything ELSE? What state?  You indeed MAY have enough to go on.  Others, (I'm thinking of Barbara's genealogy sleuthing skills here) may have the ability to help.  I'm sure some of us here know some P.I's, too.  Were you both born in the same hospital? Same state?  What was on the birth certificate? Does Mom still have it?

And if not, play chess.  Find a way (may take MANY careful defensive moves) to get a last name or adoptive name or something out of the most vulnerable of your parents.  
Strategic, AND Tactical.  Big picture, small mission.  Use both.
Incremental closure...like a python.  Sqeeze it out of 'em.

BUT ONLY after/in-between knocking it out of the park on this degree program!

Fig

[Balog]

God, for some reason I'm really super pissed off about this. Maybe because my wife's Dad is like this. Pure D prick.

If you move out and can prove that you take no financial benefit from them you might be able to legally force 'em to stop claiming you. Sorta like a minor being declared emancipated. Oh, and you look damn pretty to me. Very happily married and in Iraq right now, so definitely not trying to hit on you or anything.

No guy could love you as you are? Oh my God, how can they claim to love you and say such a horrid thing?  That is no joke the worst thing I can think of to tell someone. That to me removes the gloves. It's cold and calculated to make you feel so worthless that they can control you. They try that again, point out every thing you can think of they are ashamed of, every stain on their character, anything. Or just cut them off. "If I'm so worthless and you're so wonderful, I won't sully you with my presence. Call me if you ever grow up."

They are attacking you; it may be with words instead of a knife or gun, but it's still an assault. If two people who were physically larger than you tried to rape or abduct you, would you gently try to make 'em see the error of their ways? Hell no, you'd rip off ears, crush balls, gouge eyes, stab, shoot, anything. That's how I see this; do anything to stop the assault. Your most important weapon is belief in your own value; they've tried to rob you of it. Take it back. Have no more sympathy for them than for a rapist who ends up in the morgue.

Again, this is an extreme approach, but what you describe is abuse, pure and simple. I hate to say it, but you need to realize THEY DON'T LOVE YOU! They are incapable of love for anything but themselves, just like the parents who beat or molest their children. The only thing that matters to them is themselves; you have no value to them aside from their own twisted ends. Money is not worth being destroyed inside. Maybe they'll change some day; for your sake I hope so. But you can't force 'em to do that. You can only reject their lies and refuse to let 'em attack you.

[garrettwc]

You have gotten good advice so far.

All I have is random facts like I have a sister-in-law named Amy and that he has a 6 year old son

Do you have your brother's full name? When/where he was born? When/where your neice was born? What other random facts? What I am getting at is that you might want to talk to someone like a private investigator who can take your "random" facts and connect them together.

I like me the way I am...

That's the most important thing. You feel good about yourself, you have career/education plans, etc. They are trying to make themselves bigger by making you small. Don't take it. Work on your exit strategy and then do it.

Oh and I agree with dasmi, you look good.

[Sindawe]

uvakat: Regarding body image...

I like me the way I am...

THAT is the important part.  If YOU like you as you are, all others can go pound sand.  Were I 15 years younger, I'd hit on ya.

As others have said, YOU did not damage the relationship, your parents did.

[Guest]

Two points:

* Your parents are acting pretty goofy.  Near as I can figure they haven't adapted well to the US while you have, which is driving 'em bonkers.  Or they're just plain wacked, I dunno.  It is NOT your fault and you don't deserve this garbage.

* A cute smart Asian gal with a southern accent who is GUN FRIENDLY has virtually every male heart around her with a pulse going even more bonkers .



Seriously, your parents have some problems here and they've tried to cut your self esteem down to their level.  The worst possible thing you could do later in life is hook up with a "super dominant" type of guy, you...well, *might* be sorta "primed" for that sort of thing because of your parent's semi-successul attempts to knock your own self image apart, sorry to say.  

Nobody has the right to "destructively criticize you" for their own emotional ends.  NOBODY, not your parents, not the government, not any possible love interest.  Don't respect people that do that, have as little to do with them as possible.

And don't ever, EVER tolerate being attacked, not even once.  Do NOT start down that path.

[InfidelSerf]

* A cute smart Asian gal with a southern accent who is GUN FRIENDLY has virtually every male heart around her with a pulse going even more bonkers .

On that note....  Are you single?

[Guest]

Yes.

[Felonious Monk/Fignozzle]

Sorry, I'm taken.  :ROTFL:

[Guest]

If you still have my email address, send me his info and I'll find him for you.

[uvakat]

If you are asking about me.... Yes I'm taken... though you are welcome to Jim March if you want

[uvakat]

If you still have my email address, send me his info and I'll find him for you.

Email sent thank you. I really appreciate this

[Felonious Monk/Fignozzle]

Thanks Barbara.  You're a heck of a gal.  
If you wind up having to incur any expenses in doing this, perhaps some of us can help?

Let me know here or via email.

Fig



P.S. uvakat, you have email.

[Guest]

No, no cost. I only take payment in chocolate.

(If someone wanted me to spend more than a 1/2 hour or so, or have to send for records, I'd do it, but I'd probably charge. Just looking up stuff? Nah. I have fun with it.)

I'm not having much luck with Uvakat's family, though. No first name, or location, and very common (what might be) last name is not making it easy.