Permission to be blunt.
I mean no disrespect to persons involved , or professionals such as Clergy or Medical.
Absolutes - there ain't any. About the only thing that comes close is : "If one ever draws a breath - someday they will not."
It takes TWO folks making things work in a relationship. If one decideds to NOT work on the relationship - It will not work- period. I do not care how much money one spends for Therapy, how many sessions with a Marriage Counselor, Clergy or Pages read in a book. It is not going to work. Might buy time, put off the inevitable, usually though it only causes more pain and money grief. Like getting pregnant , or trying to "buy" the relationship with a new car, furniture. Now you have more bigger problems than you had.
Relationships have to be constantly "worked" from get-go to get-gone to get-death - Complacency in Life is NEVER recommended in any endeavor.
One cannot change people, places or things - only thing a person can change is themselves - and that is NOT an absolute.
Yes medical conditions do affect personalities,and NOT just women with hormones either. Men have hormones too, just for some reason just because a guy stands to piss - he is immune to hormonal changes, drug reactions or the other stereotypical bull-hocky.
Trauma from deaths of kids, family, car wrecks, and you name - can cause problems too. And NO there is not assurance things will ever be " they way they were".
Staying for the sake of a kid(s) so the Church folks won't point fingers at you, and whomever won't talk behind your back is more horse-pucky.
One cannot put a price on Serenity.
I will fight bare-knuckled to protect my Serenity, NO SOB is going to *expletive deleted*ck with mine- period. Mine is that valuable - do not try to take mine. Some have tried, and so far I win every damn time!! I will die defending it need be.
One has to be centered. Another cannot do for you what you already do not have yourself.
Nor can one put a price on a kid(s) mental health being raised in a hellish environment. The lady getting abused, and the crap beat out of her -physically or mentally. John Wayne syndrome does not mean a Guy is not also immune to being hurt physically, or his head totally being messed with.
Relationships do not guarantee all is upbeat and full of happy moments. *expletive deleted*it happens - For better or for worse. Acceptance is the key. Sometimes one has to white knuckle that mother.....and just get past it.
Car wrecks, Cancer, Fires, Floods...Divorce, Death...Bad stuff happens to good folks.
One is responsible to themselves FIRST. If not - they are NOT worth a tinker's damn to the other person in a relationship, the kids, thier boss , or anyone.
Cold Sober, with pad and paper Get totally and brutually honest with oneself. I mean gut-wrenching, teary-eyed, fist-slamming-mad honest. Then read it, read it again.
There is your answer.
Many folks look outward for guidance and direction - reality is - often times the answer is within themselves.
Folks cast f-a-r distances to catch fish - most often the fish are "just right there".
Lots of truth in what the old fella said- "Folks ought not get married until they are 83 years old, and then it may be best to just have sex for awhile and re-think the whole idea. I mean a farmer need not buy a cow until he knows it gives milk - and the cow needs to know if the farmer is gonna treat her right and if he has rough callused hands while squeezing her teats".
I have seen the gates of hell, been singed and smelled the brimstone. I wrote long and hard in my notebook, I cried and I bloodied my knuckles when I read what I wrote. I had to accept who is was, and make some changes back in 1984. For one - drinking was NOT the solution to life's problems. I was the problem.
My first wife, had two Master Degrees in Psych. She decided someone else was better than me at her work. She new the psych game inside and out. She new the questions before the Marriage Counsleor asked them - and she already had not only the answers ahead of time - but the non-verbal responses to.
Bottom line - she wanted the other guy, not me. Only reason she went thru the dog and pony show 1) to perhaps find a lie for herself for what she was doing. 2) Hurt me more.
Years later she lose that man she left me for, he died of cancer. She is raising that daugher - all by herself now she had by him - and we were barely divorced by the time the little girl was born. I know it takes 9 months, I can figure the math. She was lying out her ass all the time she was in the Counselor's office "working on saving a marriage. BS!
Later on...
I re- married the gal I should have married back just out of HS. We were both divorced, she had a son. We just clicked like - hard to explain, but if there is such a thing as 'soul- mates' we were such. She said I was the best, I was the dad her son never had. She was smart, and a damn good Peds nurse. Built a house, we had a ball, and had more fun,it just clicked.
One day, she was feeling poorly, figured it was the extra hours with some emergencies at work. Maybe the stuff the ex/ boys daddy was pulling on the kid.
" I want to raise my son all by myself again"
I packed and left. Arranged to get the rest of my stuff later.
After I was out and gone and just before her attorney sent the divorce papers, we had to discuss something, I can't recall, insurance or somesuch. I asked if she had been to the doctor in regard to her hormones. She did not yell and scream. Instead she asked me "have I been that weird?" I said she had. No meaness, no ugliness, just two "soul- mates" having a rational discussion as we always had done. "Son says I am really being a bitch here of late too". I suggested she see her Endo, and Renal Doc.
We divorced. Afterwhich she called. "PLease come over , the kid is at his dad's for the weekend, and the dog is still crying because he misses you...hell I miss you".
"Steve, I am a great nurse, I totally *expletive deleted*ed up, I am sorry. I keeled over and threw my guts up, and as you know I do not throw up ,nor do I cry except when mad. I had to have son drive me to emergency room, and he with only a learning permit. I was in the hoptital for 3 weeks, my family tried to contact you. My renal doctor "finally" was contacted, he figured out what was wrong - Pancreatitius. Steve - as you know I do not drink, I know you know folks that got Pancratitius from drinking, there can be other reasons too. ( she shared what these were). Steve - my Pancreas totally went nutzoid and messed with my hormones but good. I can access a patient, and get it right, I just goofed and the one time I did NOT listen to my body, and get honest about what was going on - I totally *expletive deleted*ed up".
WE dated if you will for about 3 weeks. We - I guess needed some closure, and to tie up loose ends on some matters.
I walked away.
She tried to contacct me, I preferred email for those things that needed to be handled as does when two folks have been together. I did say bye to the kid, and to the dog.
"Steve, I am sorry, so sorry. I know you too well, you are going to be that Desperado, do your John Galt bit...do be careful and watch your six, and I know how you hate for me to say that".
I detroyed everything about those lives I had, admit the second one was the hardest. I sent her somethings becasue she wanted them, and she knew I would destroy them. She has / had freinds that kept her opprised of my "Desperado" being. I know it was her that sent me something while I was in the hopitial with emergency suregery - only she would know this would be something I would want. I know it was her that sent an anon package when I survived a serious situation - I looked like hell, I survived and the other persons involved did not come out as good as I did. Still are not well.
I know she has the pictures of me on a horse in KY, the unsanctioned shoot in TX and live birds. Me doing some informal training, and the ones with me running a shotgun. Word is she likes the one of me stretched out in a '65 GMC pickup truck bed my Stetson over my face, my Citori propped in the corner of truck bed and the damn dog trying to sneak peppermint out of my pocket.
All history.
Walk away, do not turn back to look at what behind - look straight ahead only.
One foot in front of another. Take one breath at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.
This is how history is made, this is how life is.
Cold, hard, brutal or just plain ugly. So be it. Death is cold and hard, it is forever. Difference is - in life one can change the "right now" about themselves. In death - one is forever is only what folks "might" remember you as being.
"The only thing left of a person's life is that which don't burn".
I choose to live life, mistakes and all. If remembered when I am gone - folks are gonna talk about me - might as well make it fun and interesting as hell.
Run'em
Steve
