Post by: grampster on March 11, 2008, 11:45:59 AM
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your fanny. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too danged exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.? After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Post by: Jamisjockey on March 11, 2008, 12:01:46 PM
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What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
Post by: Bogie on March 11, 2008, 12:30:35 PM
Should we call it a Slut Patch or a Tramp Stamp?
And you just KNOW that in some Chinese restaurant, the guy behind the giant wok is trying not to laugh as "Easy and Cheap" walks past...
Post by: Manedwolf on March 11, 2008, 12:31:48 PM
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New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
Snorting coffee is painful, thanks a lot.
Post by: Paddy on March 11, 2008, 12:39:22 PM
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New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
ehhhhh, that one may hit a little too close to home, grampster
Post by: The Rabbi on March 11, 2008, 12:49:20 PM
Post by: Finch on March 11, 2008, 12:56:28 PM
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The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot.
And that's going in the sig...
Post by: erik the bold on March 11, 2008, 01:53:07 PM
Love it...
Should we call it a Slut Patch or a Tramp Stamp?
Should we call it a Slut Patch or a Tramp Stamp?
Tramp Stamp or Butt Hat in the midwest........
Post by: Paddy on March 11, 2008, 01:55:22 PM
Post by: Brad Johnson on March 11, 2008, 02:02:05 PM
Brad
Post by: Paddy on March 11, 2008, 02:03:09 PM
Crack Plaque.
Brad
Brad
I don't know what that is and I don't wanna know, thanks all the same.
It sounds like something the foam in the other thread would have prevented.
Post by: The Viking on March 11, 2008, 02:06:43 PM
I've never heard it called anything but a tramp stamp, so you just added a new phrase to my vocabulary. Butt hat. heh. That's funny. It seems like all the young women have them. Even the tellers at my bank let 'em show once in awhile. And some of them have tatoos on the back of their necks, also.
I know a guy who for some unknown reason has a fish head tattooed on the back of his neck. I always think "He's got Dagon on his neck. Cool." when I see him.
Post by: Perd Hapley on March 11, 2008, 02:08:48 PM
That was way too funny. I wonder how many people will get offended.
I can be offended, if you like.
Post by: BridgeWalker on March 11, 2008, 10:45:59 PM
It seems like all the young women have them. Even the tellers at my bank let 'em show once in awhile.
Young, eh? Well, I'm still under thirty. Many or most of my contemporaries have 'em. As for me the world will never know, because I know how wear a shirt that is freaking long enough to cover my behind and pants that fit properly.
But for the record, no, not all young women have them. If this soon-to-be old crone, at 29, still counts.
Post by: RocketMan on March 12, 2008, 04:31:01 AM
Post by: grampster on March 12, 2008, 05:28:08 AM
Post by: Zardozimo Oprah Bannedalas on March 12, 2008, 04:45:05 PM
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and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants
What kind of Godforsaken place has bathroom attendants nowadays? Just curious. Never seen one, and I'd like to avoid them if possible.
Post by: Perd Hapley on March 12, 2008, 06:25:34 PM
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and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants
What kind of Godforsaken place has bathroom attendants nowadays? Just curious. Never seen one, and I'd like to avoid them if possible. Same here. But then, I ain't near as fancy as some-a-y'all.
Post by: vaskidmark on March 12, 2008, 06:41:36 PM
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and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants
What kind of Godforsaken place has bathroom attendants nowadays? Just curious. Never seen one, and I'd like to avoid them if possible. Same here. But then, I ain't near as fancy as some-a-y'all.
Come on down to the Virginia State Fair! The mens' rooms got some of the strangest-looking non-homeless folks I ever did see handing out paper towels and staring at the center of your being as they point to the paper plate full of quarters and the "Please Pay Attendant" sign. Have no idea what is in the ladies' bathroom because I'm too old to accompany anybody in there, and too scared to ask.
stay safe.
skidmark (who thought the sign said "Please Pay Attention" and immediately thought of the old joke about the sailor & Marine in the head)
Post by: Perd Hapley on March 12, 2008, 07:05:49 PM
Post by: Zardozimo Oprah Bannedalas on March 12, 2008, 07:28:46 PM
Post by: Monkeyleg on March 12, 2008, 08:06:45 PM
Oh, and you don't like having to swipe your credit card at the checkout counter? Try going to Home Depot. You check everything out yourself. You swipe the bar codes on the packages, you try to figure out the damn computer screen, you weigh the items (why?), you swipe your credit card...you do everything. And if you don't do it fast enough, some computer-generated voice berates you.
Meanwhile, there's some young clerk standing there to make sure you do everything right. Unless Home Depot has an intern program, I'm pretty sure that young clerk is getting paid to watch customers swear at the self-checkout computer.
I'll bet my best pair of underwear that the dim bulb at Home Depot who came up with this cost-saving idea was previously employed with FEMA.
Post by: vaskidmark on March 13, 2008, 02:53:00 AM
Since Virginia's frighteningly close to DC, I get the notion that those bathroom attendants might be male prostitutes... otherwise, it's just frightening to think of.
Dear <deity of choice> in <place of choice> I hope not!
Those fellas are maybe, on a good day, 2 steps above homeless in dress and time from last full bath & simultaneous clothes washing. They are much angrier/meaner than the homeless - OK, except for Ralphie who stands ouit by the on-ramp to I-95 and cusses anybody he thinks is going over 15MPH. But Ralphie says "Thanks" when I bring him an egg salad sammich from the inconvenience store while those guys just look like they are daring you to not leave a quarter.
I asked last year, and found out they are hired by the State Fair to hand out paper towels. Supposedly keeps folks from stealing towels or something.
stay safe.
skidmark
Post by: El Tejon on March 13, 2008, 03:06:19 AM
Post by: Brad Johnson on March 13, 2008, 07:13:00 AM
Brad
Post by: Paddy on March 13, 2008, 07:42:31 AM
Post by: The Rabbi on March 13, 2008, 08:04:06 AM
Now that's funny right there I don't care who y'are.
I knew we'd agree on something Riley.
Post by: Marnoot on March 13, 2008, 08:10:37 AM
Thanks, Grampster. That's the first laugh I've had in a couple of days.
Oh, and you don't like having to swipe your credit card at the checkout counter? Try going to Home Depot. You check everything out yourself. You swipe the bar codes on the packages, you try to figure out the damn computer screen, you weigh the items (why?), you swipe your credit card...you do everything. And if you don't do it fast enough, some computer-generated voice berates you.
Meanwhile, there's some young clerk standing there to make sure you do everything right. Unless Home Depot has an intern program, I'm pretty sure that young clerk is getting paid to watch customers swear at the self-checkout computer.
I'll bet my best pair of underwear that the dim bulb at Home Depot who came up with this cost-saving idea was previously employed with FEMA.
Oh, and you don't like having to swipe your credit card at the checkout counter? Try going to Home Depot. You check everything out yourself. You swipe the bar codes on the packages, you try to figure out the damn computer screen, you weigh the items (why?), you swipe your credit card...you do everything. And if you don't do it fast enough, some computer-generated voice berates you.
Meanwhile, there's some young clerk standing there to make sure you do everything right. Unless Home Depot has an intern program, I'm pretty sure that young clerk is getting paid to watch customers swear at the self-checkout computer.
I'll bet my best pair of underwear that the dim bulb at Home Depot who came up with this cost-saving idea was previously employed with FEMA.
I love the self-checkout lanes. They still have regular lanes if you have alot of stuff, or big stuff. There's rarely a wait on the self-service lanes, I usually get out of the store faster with them. My only complaint with them is its dang weight sensors in the bagging area. If something is too awkward to put there, rather than just back in the cart it squawks and complains.
Post by: Tallpine on March 13, 2008, 12:03:03 PM
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My cousin's kid came back from Iraq two years ago with one of the "Asiatic Lettering" tats. This thread got me curious so I called him about it. His is the translation of his Cherokee name. He started laughing when I mentioned it maybe not meaning what he thought.
HA! I heard a story about a Tartanish bagpipe band who wanted their band name translated into Gaelic. So they asked a Gael speaker what their band name would be in Gaelic?
They got "Chan eil fhios agam" embroided on all their stuff before they found out what it really meant
Post by: BlueStarLizzard on March 13, 2008, 12:18:45 PM
and for the record, i don't have one.
Post by: jrfoxx on March 13, 2008, 03:07:40 PM
Quote
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
My favorite. OUT-FREAKIN-STANDING!
Post by: thebaldguy on March 13, 2008, 03:46:17 PM
I tragically know people who have more money wrapped up in tattoos than they do in their bank account. I work with women who constantly buy new clothes and shoes and complain how broke they are.
I shudder to think about their retirement. They will be the ones complaining that Social Security won't give them the money they need, and will insist that taxes for the rest of us increase so they can get more money.
Post by: RevDisk on March 13, 2008, 07:23:04 PM
"You're just about the only kid I've ever seen without a piercing or tattoo."
"Have a phobia about metal going into or through my body, ma'am."
"Why, even my daughter got one. Though, it's not that bad. It's a butterfly on the small of her back."
"Right about here? Oh, you mean a tramp stamp."
"... WHAT? Is THAT what you call those tattoos?" (giving me the evil Mom Stare o' Death)
"So is now a bad time to ask for your daughter's number?"
"@&#*$(!"
Post by: Mabs2 on March 13, 2008, 07:49:37 PM
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New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
One of my personal pet peeves."How old is it?" "12 months!" "18 months!" "24 months!" "48 months!"
Post by: Zardozimo Oprah Bannedalas on March 17, 2008, 08:21:56 PM
This Spitzer business convinced me to get on Craigslist, and see if Kristen was overpriced. Nearly every hooker they list is 'stamped.'
Post by: Iain on March 18, 2008, 01:57:47 AM
Post by: DJJ on March 18, 2008, 03:19:27 PM
Post by: Perd Hapley on April 05, 2008, 03:54:22 AM
actually the tramp stamps around here all seem to be butterflys. don't ask me why. and yeah, the majority of young ladies with them were very popular with the males, and not for their sparkeling intellect either.
and for the record, i don't have one.
and for the record, i don't have one.
Wow, we totally have something in common!! I don't got no tramp stamp neither.
I planned on getting a tattoo, just before I got out of the army. Never did. Now the wife won't let me.
