Bad Jokes Redux

[BryanP]

Time for another joke thread.  Start with a couple of old-guy jokes.



An older couple, Ray and Bessie, live in Texas.

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different:
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."




An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

[Art Eatman]

In St. Petersburg, Florida, the home of the newly-wed and the nearly-dead:  Two little old men were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home.  Inside, one of the little old women was very bored.  She decided to undress and go out and streak the block.

As she passed the bench, one little old man turned to the other and asked, "What in Sam Hill was that?"

"I don't know, but it sure needed ironing."

[erik the bold]

Dirty Riddles
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"

[The Rabbi]

An old couple was listening to a radio evangelist exhorting the audience.
"And Jesus will heal you!  He will heal you!  Come over, put your afflicted part on your radio now and Jesus will heal you!"
The old lady gets up and puts her arthritic elbow on the radio and totters back to her chair.
The old man gets up, goes over to the radio, unzips his pants and puts his organ on the radio.
The wife snaps at him:
"Harry, that preacher said Jesus will heal the sick, not raise the dead."

[280plus]

The Bishop was making the rounds in his Diocese taking a survey for the Pope on how his flock is abiding by the church's wishes on birth control. At the first house Mrs. Jones tells him, "Why, the husband and I practice the rythym method." To which the Bishop replies, "Very good Mrs. Jones, the Pope will be very happy to hear this. At Mrs Smith's house she reports hat They are using the pill. The Bishop replies, shaking his head "Oh Mrs Smith, the Pope is not going to be very happy to hear this." On to Mrs Doe's hosue and SHE reports, "Why, me and Henry use the "bucket and saucer" method. "The Bucket and saucer method?" the bishop replies, "Why, I don't think I'm familiar with that. Could you explain it to me?" And Mrs Doe replies, "Well, when me and Henry is gonna do our thing I make Henry stand on a bucket and when his eyes get as BIG AS SAUCERS, I kick the bucket!"

Nyuk nyuk nyuk...

[Justin]

After waiting five hours in a line to buy meat, in the dead of winter, Igor begins to snap. He starts jumping up and down, yelling, "I can't stand it anymore! This developed Socialism sucks! The system is totally corrupt!" After a couple of minutes, a grim-looking type in a black trenchcoat approaches Igor, shakes his head slowly, points his finger to Igor's temple mimicking a pistol, then walks off without saying a word. Igor comes home especially dejected. His wife asks, "What's the matter? Are they out of meat again?" "Worse," Igor says. "They're out of ammo."

[El Tejon]

Socialist humor?  Alrighty then:

Did you know Adam and Eve were the first Socialists.  They had nothing to wear, little to eat and thought they lived in paradise.

[grampster]

What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?

They both can bring 80,000 people to their feet and yell Jesus Christ.

[erik the bold]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."  

[Monkeyleg]

For his seventieth birthday, a man gets himself a new Porsche.

He's cruising down the highway when a state trooper pulls in behind him and hits the lights. The old guy keeps going for miles before pulling over.

The trooper walks up to the Porsche and tells the man, "look, pal. My shift ends in half an hour, and I don't want any overtime. If you can tell me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man says, "My wife ran off with a trooper years ago. I thought you were trying to return her."

*****

A guy's at a casino in Las Vegas, and walks out into the hallway where the vending machines are.

He notices a blond at the Coke machine. She puts a dollar bill in the slot, a can comes rolling out, and she sets it on top of the machine.

She does this again. And again. And again.

Finally, the guy says, "excuse me, miss, but can I ask what you're doing?"

She says, "duh! Can't you see I'm winning?"

******
A guy is watching the TV weatherman with his blond wife.

The weatherman says, "the forecast for this evening is for three to four inches of snow. The city is asking residents to park their cars on the odd-numbered side of the street so the plows can get through."

The wife dutifully parks her car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

A few days later, they're watching the weather forecast again. The weatherman says, "the forecast for tonight evening is for six inches of snow. The city is asking residents to park their cars on the even-numbered side of the street so the plows can get through."

The wife parks her car on the even-numbered side of the street.

Three days later, they're watching the same weatherman. He says, ""the forecast for this evening is for five to seven inches of snow. The city is asking residents to park their cars on the...." Then the screen goes blank.

The wife is upset. "I didn't hear what side to park the car on. What am I going to do?"

The husband calmly says, "honey, why don't you just leave the car in the garage tonight?"

[280plus]

So this old guy is golfing and he knocks his ball into the water hazard. As he's trying to fish it out he sees a frog and the frog is beckoning to him. He goes over to the frog, picks it up and holds it close to his ear. The frog says "I am a magical frog. Rub my belly three times and I will turn into a beautiful woman and give you GREAT SEX! The old man shrugs and puts the frog in his pocket. A few holes later the frog is in his pocket creating all kinds of ruckus so the old man puls him out of his pocket and holds it close to his ear whereupon the frog again says (only louder this time) I AM A MAGIC FROG. RUB MY BELLY THREE TIMES AND I WILL TURN INTO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND GIVE YOU GREAT SEX!! The old man shrugs again and puts the frog back in his pocket. A few holes later, sure enough, the frog is now going ballistic in the guys pocket so once again he pulls out the frog and holds it close to his ear. The frog says, "CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND ME?? I AM A MAGIC FROG AND IF YOU RUB MY BELLY THREE TIMES I WILL TURN INTO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND GIVE YOU GREAT SEX!!! The old man shrugs and says, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

BRRRRRRRrump bump...

[Antibubba]

Did you hear about the two gay judges?

They tried each other.