Too Independent?

[Guest]

Can someone be that? I've been told that numerous times lately, and I'm just wondering what it even means or how in the world it could be a bad thing.

How can someone be too independent?

Why would someone not want to be?

Sheesh.

I was also called stubborn but that I can kind of see. It's a failing of mine.

[bermbuster]

Can someone be that? I've been told that numerous times lately, and I'm just wondering what it even means or how in the world it could be a bad thing.

How can someone be too independent?

Why would someone not want to be?

Sheesh.

I was also called stubborn but that I can kind of see. It's a failing of mine.

I am not really sure.  I have always been independent.  By that I mean capable of handling my own affairs, making repairs as necessary or recognizing when outside help is needed, financially stable irrespective of the presence of a partner.  I will go out on a limb and guess that is what you mean.

Too independent?  Who says?  Someone who wishes to exercise power over you?  Partnerships should be about sharing strength, not using it over the other.  IMHO.

Stubborn?  You say that like it's a bad thing

[Stand_watie]

Can someone be that? I've been told that numerous times lately, and I'm just wondering what it even means or how in the world it could be a bad thing.

How can someone be too independent?

Why would someone not want to be?

Sheesh.

I was also called stubborn but that I can kind of see. It's a failing of mine.

It depends on what you want out of life. I think it's a left brain/right brain thing. In particular for women, the number of men who are

a) Not emotionally unusual (not that there's anything wrong with that)

and
 
b) are not intimidated by or disinterested in women who are assertive

is, in my observation very few.

I have two single aunts in their fifties - assertive, intelligent, good looking etc who would have married if they could have found a man who met the definition of b that wasn't effeminate, or that in some other way (to them) didn't make husband material.

In fact, perhaps women are almost as bad as men in terms of putting down women who are more assertive than they think pleasant.

[280plus]

Actually, I LIKE independent women. I already got my hands full up with one though...

[Chris Rhines]

People who are pathologically dependent upon others tend to dislike those who don't have that problem.

- Chris

[matis]

Probably, the kernel of the problem is that you think for yourself.

Combine that with assertiveness and you have, "too independent."


To be desired in a man; "unfeminine" or too independent in a woman.


As 280plus mentioned above, women like that turn me on, but I, too, already have my hands full.


Mine sometimes calls me a "retard"  


From the way you come across on this forum, I'll bet half the guys here fantasize about you.


Don't let the buggers get you down.


matis

[Art Eatman]

I'd hazard a guess that "too independent" means that some folks who'd like to be able to influence you are frustrated that they can't do their manipulating.  "Manipulating" doesn't necessarily mean "bad", of course; we all try to influence those around us to do things our way.

People who are strongly emotionally self-contained, self-sufficent, are frustrating to others.  My joke line is, "You can lead me anywhere, as long as that's where I was going in the first place."

, Art

[Matthew Carberry]

On the non-negative side.  It is nice to feel wanted, desired and, yes, even necessary (to a degree) to another person.

If a person demonstrates so much "independence" that they don't make their loved one feel needed, why would that person stick around?

Just because someone CAN get along without their partner (any healthy person can after all) doesn't mean they need to make that PLAIN all the time.  They should make it clear they'd rather have that partner around and that their life would be worse or less without them.

Loving relationships are supposed to be alliances and mutual support societies.  You figure out each other's love languages (excellent book) and make sure you are communicating to your loved one in their language not yours.  

I think some "too independent" problems come not because of independent acts per se, it's that the "independent" person never bothers to show their partner that they do desire and need their partner in a way the loved one can understand so they come off as cold and undemonstrative.

[grampster]

What carebear said.  

Oh, Barbara, why do you always tempt me, a curmudeonly old fart, with the opportunity to put my foot in my mouth?  Heh Heh.

I think you're sweet, actually.  I've seen you lay out your feelings a number of times.  I probably think your stubborn though.  I've been married to SWMBO for nearly 40 years, so I KNOW stubborn when I see it.  Heh Heh.

grampster

[Guest]

What Art said.

Barbara strikes me a being centered enough:

1) she don't care what most folks think.

2) other folks are intimated by Barbara being centered.

3) she knows she can holler at any us - in the event - she chooses to share to kick some ass.

"Hey folks, come on up, after we kick ass , take names...Picnic or BBQ...please vote your preference..."

My vote...I don't care, if the food don't move off the plate and attempt to hurt or eat me first...It'll eat.

[onions!]

Can someone be that? I've been told that numerous times lately, and I'm just wondering what it even means or how in the world it could be a bad thing.

How can someone be too independent?

Why would someone not want to be?

Sheesh.

I was also called stubborn but that I can kind of see. It's a failing of mine.

Being called too independent from someone else might just mean that they have a genuine interest in your welfare & are watching you make questionable choices.& noticing that you keep doing it anyways.

As someone who is used to being called stubborn,bullish,& hardheaded I agree that they are all fine things.From personal expierience I will add that accepting someones help,& more importantly listening to what they have to say w/an open mind,sure can be a good thing.

A little self examination instigated by someone else can sometimes pull your head out of a book before you run into a tree.

Just don't make a habit of it.

To paraphrase a little green sponge rubber fellow-Dependence>contempt>loathing>hatred.Those are tools of the Dark Side.

[Art Eatman]

I figure somebody can be independent without being cold or distant.  There's a difference.  A big difference.

Some of it depends on who's doing the labelling.  Some folks just can't stand not being able to control another, which results in such a label.

[Stand_watie]

I figure somebody can be independent without being cold or distant.  There's a difference.  A big difference.

Some of it depends on who's doing the labelling.  Some folks just can't stand not being able to control another, which results in such a label.

Indeed. And the manner in which you're independant can make all the difference in the world.

A couple of examples, Condee Rice certainly strikes me as independant (and many other nice adjectives) and I'm sure she'd have guys lining up around the block for her if she wanted. Rosie O'Donell, well...

[onions!]

A couple of examples, Condee Rice certainly strikes me as independant (and many other nice adjectives) and I'm sure she'd have guys lining up around the block for her if she wanted. Rosie O'Donell, well...

Those are about the most extreme opposites I've ever heard.

Hmm,unless Rosie is in fact an alien.Yep,that might do it!

[Stand_watie]

A couple of examples, Condee Rice certainly strikes me as independant (and many other nice adjectives) and I'm sure she'd have guys lining up around the block for her if she wanted. Rosie O'Donell, well...

Those are about the most extreme opposites I've ever heard.

Hmm,unless Rosie is in fact an alien.Yep,that might do it!

They're extreme political opposites, but both are assertive and independent. The difference is that one of the two is intelligent, well mannered and likable.

[Guest]

Heh..initially, it started as a conversation with a friend, then I asked someone else, and the answer was kind of like "well, hello, yes, you are. You never let anyone help you." Which is, quite frankly, hooey, since this very same person just last month helped my with some drywall work I had to do.

And THEN, the same week, someone else told me the same thing (that I'm freakishly independent) so I was just pondering it this morning, I guess. I'm still not able to quite wrap myself around "too independent" but there you go. I am who I am. I see independence, or lack of dependence, as a good thing, so too much seems like a silly idea.

Carebear makes a good point, and I could see that being an issue but not really in this case.

And even then, wouldn't being "independent" be better? If I dated someone, they wouldn't have to wonder if I was doing to hoping for someone to take care of me.

[MillCreek]

I fantasize about Dr. Rice.  Often.  We would be so good together.

Mrs. MillCreek realizes that if Dr. Rice appears on my doorstep, that will be all she wrote.  Of course, if Colin Powell appears on our doorstep, I will be history as far as she is concerned.  So it all works out.

[Guest]

As far as the bad choices, this conversation revolved around something not directly related to me..it was really about my inability to understand others and their choices.

[Antibubba]

So are you too independent, or simply not empathetic enough?

It sounds like you've simply worked through the thorniest issues that plague most of us-what is my place in the world in relation to others?  And if these people are giving you advice that you're not taking, then that could explain a lot too.  

When you cut yourself off from "your boys" here, THEN you'll be too independent.

[grampster]

Ditto the Antibubba.

[Gewehr98]

There's "Independent"

Then there's "A Loner"

The two terms shouldn't be confused or used interchangeably.

My second wife is quite "independent" - and I very much respect that, she raised her two sons to adulthood by herself, with absolutely zero help from their father after the divorce.  Not even so much as child support, and she didn't want it from him.  

But by no means is Wife #2 a "loner".  She'll talk my ear off, if I give her half the chance.  Likewise, I'd better be ready to go clothes shopping with her, regardless of how much I dislike the women's fashion section of JC Penney's.  (Part of the marriage vows I wasn't paying attention to, I guess...) Nor would I describe her as "needy".

If Barbara's "independent", then good for her.  If one pays attention, she's raised one son to be a medical corpsman in the Navy.   That took gumption, stamina, strong will, determination, and a host of other adjectives.  
If that's the worst somebody can call you, then wear that one with pride.  

[grampster]

Jeez, I keep dittoing everybody.  +1 Gewher.  I was thinking about that lad before.  Barbara is duly proud and he is duly respected, in spades.

[DrAmazon]

Thanks for the thread, Barbara.  It's helping me think through some things.  

My SO and I are going through a rocky spell related to this.  We've been long distance for about 6 months and he's surprised that I'm doing as well as I am on my own, and has mentioned my "new independence".  (I don't think it's new, it's just reasserting itself! )  He's also called me obstinate-which I'm not taking as a compliment.

[280plus]

My second wife is quite "independent" - and I very much respect that, she raised her two sons to adulthood by herself, with absolutely zero help from their father after the divorce.  Not even so much as child support, and she didn't want it from him.

Almost exactly my present (second) wife's story too. Except she's only got the one daughter (15). Little Rachel is a handful though. She might equal 2 boys on the stress scale. The thing that REALLY hooked me on the wife is she singlehandedly knocked a about a 4' x 6' hole in the wall between the kitchen and diningroom and turned it into one of those reach through things. I thoiught that was pretty cool...