LANGUAGE WARNING
I'm a sober alcoholic. Back in April I celebrated two years(!!) in Saint Petersburg, Russia. This has not been an easy road. I got sober when I was 15. I've celebrated, I've loved and lost and wanted to die etcetera. I've never relapsed though.
I'm a freshman in college. Sonoma State University (near Napa CA) to be exact. I moved in just under two weeks ago. My roommates are great guys, I get along with them fine. We're in a substance free dorm. All dorms are supposed to be, but these are SPECIFICALLY SET ASIDE for people like me. But my suitemates... they like to party.
Friday I was back home in the city, seeing a friend I hadn't seen for many months due to the fact that she was in France. Apparently something went down here that warranted two cops and four CSA's. CSA's are not the confederate states of america here, but glorified hall monitors. Today I recieved a letter saying that I was documented for a possible bulk alcohol violation... and I could *expletive deleted*it a brick.
I was given the gift of the opportunity to be sober, yeah, but that doesn't mean I had to work for it either. Here I am in COLLEGE. COLLEGE. I didn't expect to make it to college, and probably not just because of grades. Yesterday, I trucked two other kids in recovery to an AA meeting. And here my suitemates come along and *expletive deleted*ing ruin it! I've worked every day of my life since I got sober to NOT get in trouble due to alcohol. I've gotten to the point where I can urinate in bars when I'm out at hours where they're the only things that are open... and I don't even think about drinking.
I could be drunk in about 15 seconds. They're playing beer pong as I type. And I choose not to. It's all about choices. I'll definitely suffer the consequences of mine, with dignity and responsibility. I take pride in it actually. When I *expletive deleted*ck up, I take care of it. It doesn't feel good, but it doesn't feel as bad as running. For example, at 4 in the morning, I backed into someone's car in an alley. Noone around. I left a note. That's just how I am, but it's still hard, you know?
I will definitely not take responsibility for other's actions. They want to drink, fine, just don't wrap me up in it. I'm so *expletive deleted*ing mad.
I've got a meeting with some residential staff. Two meetings actually. I'll show them my two year chip, give them phone numbers of the people who I rode with to San Francisco, people I saw, and a CSA who is my best buddy's best buddy who knows I don't drink. But goddamnit I shouldn't have to do that.
And plus if the police bust down the door right now I'm still *expletive deleted*ed. because I didn't tattle. I shouldn't have to tattle. I don't even want to tattle. I don't care about my proximity to alcohol. So I'm being put in a position where I potentially either tattle or get in trouble.
I need tips guys. I'm really messed up here.
Not all is bad though. I'm still incredibly grateful that I'm in college, I'm working at being spiritually sound and one with ... god, I guess. Doing all my homework, keeping my room clean. I'm eating vegetables! Other things that are good are coming around too... I'll be seing one (her) on sunday.
-Jack