Users, takers and pleasers. Some thoughts.

[Grandpa Shooter]

Back in the dark ages, when I was young and working within my professional training, it was often handy to have a simple understanding of the dynamics of human relationships.  I devised my own "system" of evaluating human interactions, stealing liberally from the Masters of the day.  In simple terms it was based on how people in their daily lives interacted within their social sphere.  A brief description follows this intro.  I am wondering how these categories apply today.  I am way out of the normal social sphere by choice and offer this in the hope that those of you still actively participating understand relationships in today's world.

USERS:  These people survive by finding ways to get others to supply their needs.  The smoker who never seems to have cigarettes, the drinker who shows up with a six pack and leaves with a 12 pack, the person next door who never seems to have tools and if in possession of borrowed ones, feels no obligation to return them.  The person who uses others for their own gratification with no thought of the results or consequences of their actions.

TAKERS:  These are the people who are compelled to have something which they have made no effort to acquire, and will without regret take it and believe they are entitled to it.  The person who cleans out every motel/hotel room of the items provided for the convenience of the guests.  They have a closet full of items they may never use, but took because after all, "I paid for it."  They have a ton of matchbooks, tissues, napkins, plastic glasses, ice buckets, etc, because they deserve it.  These people take from others physically, emotionally, and relationally because it suits their view of the world.

PLEASERS:  These are the folks who submit to the needs of others in a desire to be liked, or accepted.  It is their major concern in life.  They provide cigarettes to the users, tools and beverages to someone who never brings some with them, and never seems to have a clear position on anything.  They are afraid to speak their mind, or stand for anything out of a fear that others won't agree with them.  In a conversation they stay out of the main thrust of the topic and only offer "safe" answers and rarely anything others could perceive to be controversial.  They avoid confrontation at all costs.  The pleasers are the main target of the takers in most social or relational interactions.

Having offered the quite simplistic descriptions above,  I offer the observation that things don't seem to have changed all that much in 40 years.  Am I wrong?

[MicroBalrog]

I'm none of the above. I bet many people on this forum are, too. In fact, I think people like this are the minority.

[Lee]

I know some people who closely resemble those general descriptions most of the time; but I think most people would make up a broader 4th group  -those who exhibit some or all of those tendencies at different levels and frequencies.

Edited to add:  My first thought was work related, with the following breakout: group 1 ) Management 2) Sales/Marketing 3) Everyone else.

[Zardozimo Oprah Bannedalas]

<-- Pleaser in recovery. 

I've seen many people who fit those categories. Pleasers, IMO, are the most common category, followed by users and lastly takers. You have to be burned badly a few times before you realize that some people simply suck, and set up defenses to deal with them.

[Tallpine]

None of the above ... I'm just a mean old man 

[freakazoid]

Pleaser here.

[Tuco]

Pleaser here.

Gimme a dollar.

[freakazoid]

Dangit.

[Grandpa Shooter]

I hope it is obvious that these are very general classifications and would need considerable expansion to be fully operational as "types of personalities".  However I am certain that the majority of you here can extrapolate from the simplistic definition offered here and see what I am getting at.

As for the comment from Micro that he is none of the above, I would have to add that I understand he does not live in the US and therefore likely does not interact with Americans other than on here.  I don't think I have the time to develop a classification for internet personnas.  And in all likelihood, I am not inclined to spend any effort doing so.

[Monkeyleg]

I know people who fit one of the categories to a fault. Most people I know fit into two or even three, depending upon the circumstances. My wife, for example, will take the free notepads from hotel rooms, but is in just about every other way a pleaser.

I, too, am a mix. I'm generally a pleaser, but also a user and a taker in certain ways.

[Scout26]

You forgot a Category:

DOER:  Picks up the slack and does what the others can't or won't do.  Doesn't give a damn if he makes anyone happy or not. 

I would guess that most APSers fall into that category.

[230RN]

I'm reminded of the time I stayed at the BroAdmoor in Colorado Springs for a week.  On leaving, I coveted the small glasses they had in the bathrooms and used in the dining rooms and bars with BroAdmoor beautifully etched on them.  Real etching.

On checkout, I asked the desk clerk how much it cost to get a couple of them.  He said "Hang on, sir," went in back to the office, then came back and told me I could get them from the warehouse and gave me directions to it.  "Down this road and take the first left."

When I got there, the warehouseman gave me a case of 24 of them. Taken aback, I asked how much they were --I only wanted a couple.

"Oh, no, sir.  They told me to give you a case of them. No charge."

I should have also asked about the fantastic heavy white terrycloth BroAdmoor bathrobes, too, but I didn't think of it.

And the ashtrays.

Dangit.

:)

Terry, 230RN

[freakazoid]

Are you a talker, or a doer?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlTwFSg0U5E

 

[Tuco]

Gramps -

Which of the three are you?

[Ben]

I'm mostly a doer, but for a while it unwittingly made me a pleaser.

Before I went back to college, the kind of people I worked with were all doers too, and we used to laugh about a game we had called "getting even". Every time one of us helped someone else in the group out, or did them a favor, the person getting the help would always reply in mock anger, "I'll get even with you for that!" Mostly because there was an ethos that you simply didn't take from others, so when you got some help, it was like a sword hanging over your head and you had to repay the "debt". It was mostly in good fun, but it was based on the premise that none of us were users or takers.

When I went back to school, I kept that same mentality, and would happily help out a classmate or in grad school, office mate. Not out of a need to be liked, but because  I was used to an environment where it's just what you did, because later on, somebody would "get even with you" and help you out when you needed it. It took me a while to realize that all the stuff I did for other people was never reciprocated, because guess what -- all these people were takers and users. I don't think I ever went to a group lunch or dinner in college where, when paid with a single tab, the money on the table didn't EVERY DAMN TIME turn up short, and that's with me putting more in than I needed to.

I still run into this a lot in my current job, with the exception of only a few coworkers. I've learned my lesson though, and in most instances don't let myself be taken advantage of for being a nice guy (e.g., there's a spill in the coffee mess, but don't clean it up, because Ben will get sick of seeing it there and take care of it). I still end up sort of being taken advantage of when something important needs to be done and no one else steps up to do it. While i can let stuff that doesn't involve work being accomplished slide, it's really hard for me to step back and do nothing when I see something critical needing attention. Stupid German work ethic.

I choose my friends carefully, so I don't worry about any of them being users or takers or pleasers.

[Grandpa Shooter]

Gramps -

Which of the three are you?

For most of my life I was a pleaser.  The one who went out of his way to make everyone happy.  In part it was due to fear of what might happen if someone was pissed off and pushed me too hard.  It was easier to make the effort to keep people happy than to live with what could happen if I lost my temper.  During most of my working life I was the one who was taken advantage of by those who wanted or needed my services, or help.

In recent years I have grown to not particularly give a **** what the general public thinks and keep to myself and enjoy the company of friends.  I don't go out of my way anymore to please others beyond my family and friends.  My motto has become, "I'll do almost anything for someone who asks, and absolutely nothing for someone who demands."

[KD5NRH]

The person who cleans out every motel/hotel room of the items provided for the convenience of the guests.

Depends on the item; my usual question is "if I use it at all, will they throw it away afterward?"  Ice buckets and such stay with the room, but the matchbook and shampoo are already figured into the bill.  This is particularly the case if I have partially used it; a wet motel soap in a Ziploc in the door pocket of the car, with a little bottled water for rinsing is a nice thing to have after a roadside repair.  I don't go through the room looking for freebies, though.

At a restaurant I will occasionally grab an extra mint "for the road," but I do have a problem with the people who grab a handful and stuff pockets or purses.

[Tuco]

.... I have grown to not particularly give a **** what the general public thinks.......  I don't go out of my way anymore to please others beyond my family and friends.  My motto has become, "I'll do almost anything for someone who asks, and absolutely nothing for someone who demands.

A noble position.

[Tallpine]

I have stayed at hotels where they have this little mini coffee maker in the rooms.  I got the bright idea to snatch the little coffee pouches whether I used them or not, and the housekeepers would supply a new one each day.

When I got ready to leave, I could make up four or five little pots of coffee to fill my thermos for the homeward trip. 

Then, I discovered that they would just fill my thermos for free at the breakfast bar 

[gunsmith]

USERS:   The person who uses others for their own gratification with no thought of the results or consequences of their actions.

Bill Clinton using Monica springs to mind immediately

TAKERS:

   = "Progressives"

PLEASER'S:

  at least half of the electorate

Having offered the quite simplistic descriptions above,  I offer the observation that things don't seem to have changed all that much in 40 years.  Am I wrong?

NOPE, & I'm not just saying that to please you 

[Tallpine]

things don't seem to have changed all that much in 4000 years

 

[Myself]

I like to think of myself as a weirdo.  I don't take things, even the soap in hotel rooms.  I don't expect anything from anyone.  If I get something I am thankful.  I will give to people in need if it is genuine but not enable a user.  I think people with leadership qualities are weirdo's. 

[MillCreek]

I do take the unused soaps/lotions from the hotels on my business trips.  Then once a year, when we have our annual donation drive for the local homeless shelter, I donate all the unused toiletries. They seem to really appreciate them, since the small sizes are convenient for the clients to take with them.

[Tallpine]

I do take the unused soaps/lotions from the hotels on my business trips.  Then once a year, when we have our annual donation drive for the local homeless shelter, I donate all the unused toiletries. They seem to really appreciate them, since the small sizes are convenient for the clients to take with them.

Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor 

 

[BridgeRunner]

Like most women, I have elements of the pleaser about me.  I'm werkn on it.  I may have elements of the taker as well.  When the law says I'm entitled to x, y, or z, and having x, y, or z will be very helpful in improving my life or that of my family, I'll usually take it, even fight for it. 

But I'm also a doer, in that I'll often do or give something to solve a problem, regardless of minor elements like ownership.  I did this more before kids, as now I have to actively preserve and protect anything I have for their sake. 

But one game I don't play is measuring what I, or anyone, deserves.  My favorite Shakespeare quote is from Hamlet: "Treat every man according to his deserts, and who shall 'scape whipping?" My ex-mother-in-law embraced that particularly suburban female culture of "I deserve a manicure/massage/expensive cup of coffee/whatever" and therefore spend money on it that would be better allocated elsewhere.  I won't play those games.  I don't know how one calculates which luxuries one is somehow deserving of.  I know I'm entitled to certain things, like wages for hours I've worked, but deserve?  That gets all kinds of complicated.  If one is religious then I think that calculation is best left to God (or Whoever). 

So, I don't know.  I like to please people, but I've given people things they needed but that didn't please them.  I've taken things I've needed, although never by theft (at least not under civil or criminal law).  I don't think I'm at all a user, but I'm equally sure others would disagree with me on that.   

This particularly scheme doesn't seem useful to me.  If I'm going to build a box to fit myself into, I'd rather it be a goal than a condemnation.