-
Was digging through some old stuff and came across this. It's been around for a while but it's still good for a laugh.
----------------------------------------
1) If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package because you're not picking anything up.
2) You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them by force.
3) I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trausers so loosely that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue so I propose a compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big and I will not object. In return I will ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter by fastening your trousers to your waist with my electric nail gun.
4) I'm sure you've been told that sex without using a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate - when it comes to sex I am the barrier and I will kill you.
5) You may feel that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues. Please do not do this. The only information I need from you is what time my daughter will be home. And that had better be early
6) I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with the other girls. That is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter you will do so until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7) If you are standing in my front hall waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on make-up, a process that takes longer then painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of standing there looking stupid, do something useful like changeing the oil in my car.
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: A) Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer then a wooden stool. B) Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. C) Places where there is holding hands or happiness. Hockey games are ok, old folks homes are better.
9) Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where and with whom you are going, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
10) Be afraid. BE VERY AFRAID. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit you car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and EARLY, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
-
I remember one dads rule, it was simple yet effective, "If you get my daughter pregnant I will kill you."
-
I've never understood the whole Dad threatening his daughters date thing. Did you raise a slut? Is your daughter incapable of saying no?
-
you smile be friendly and before he leaves with her you bend close and say real soft in his ear "you kids have fun but remember anything you do with/to her tonite i'm doing to you when you bring her home give him a lil hug a pat on the ass and send em on their way. always good to keep em focused
-
I had one dad of a lady I was dating tried to do the whole 'scare tactic' on me. Showed me his shiney new AR15 and everything. He didn't say anything too obvious, but insinuated he'd use it on me if I stepped out of line.
When I dropped the lady off, I gave him back the firing pin he didn't notice go missing when he left the room for a minute.
-
Years ago I was dating a girl, and her dad wasn't really all that happy that "his little girl" was dating. Well, one evening I went over there for dinner for them to get to know me a little better. And by gum, he was gonna make sure that I was properly "intimidated". So when I came over for dinner, he greeted me at the door with a revolver on his hip. Just after I said "hi" I went into that mental conversation with myself. "Do I play nice, or do I let him know that I ain't gonna intimidate?"
I decided I wasn't gonna intimidate.
I point at the revolver and ask, "Thirty-eight?" He says, "Yes."
"May I see it?" And he doesn't really know what to say... So he unholsters it and goes to hand it to me. Unfortunately, he's got the muzzle pointed right at my gut while handing it over. I gently push his hand sideways as I grab the muzzle end of the revolver, and again have that little mental argument. And again, nice loses....
I've got the gun's barrel in my hand, and do a little cowboy flip to end up with the butt of the gun in my hand, held normally. Hit the cylinder release, flick the cylinder open, look at the empty cylinder, flick my wrist to snap it closed. Do the little cowboy flip again to hand it to him butt first, holding it by the barrel again. "Nice," I say. He doesn't put it back on his hip, just takes the holster off his belt (clip-on holster), puts the gun back in it and starts walking back into the house without saying a word...
Talking the next day about it with my then girlfriend, she said that he'd been totally excited the day before about intimidating me with that little revolver. She tried to tell him that I was a gun nut, and that I wouldn't be intimidated. Apparently I completely burst his bubble......
-
I don't have any daughters, only a son.
-
I don't need to be mean. My son is 4. My daughter is 2. Big brothers are usually scarier than Dad's ever need to be. Oh, and he's growing like a weed. I think he's football material
Nowadays if you intimidate your daughter's date with a firearm he'll probably report you and get you sent to jail.
-
I am in the military and have friends. Do I need to say anymore?
-
Is your daughter incapable of saying no?
Sometimes the date doesn't listen.
Now, raising a daughter to be prepared on what to do in that event would be a good thing.
-
Like equiping her with a TASER?
-
Well, I was thinking blowtorch and pliers, but that's a good start.
-
Pliers and a blowtorch? Only if she's a hard, pipe-hittin' n.....nevermind.
-
Like equiping her with a TASER?
Who needs a taser?
I'm thinking Krav Maga or MCMEF
-
The Dad described in the "Rules for dating my daughter" won't have anything on me. He'll look like a hippie tree-hugger by comparison.
Took my daughter to a pediatrician 6-8 months ago. She is going to, um, "develop" early. Way early. It does run in my side of the family.
I am really not ready for this, but I am trying to become ready as fast as I can. I thought I'd have another 3-4 years to prepare. (I have this image of me seeing some guy checking out my daughter and me blowing a gasket.)
The ex asked the pediatrician "Isn't this WAY too early?" The pediatrician replied "Not anymore. We're seeing this quite often nowadays."
Well, I was thinking blowtorch and pliers, but that's a good start.
Wish me luck, and could someone stand by with some bail money? Please?
-
#11. A deposit of $50 is required when picking up my daughter. Curfew is at 11:00 PM. Failure to return my daughter at/before curfew, and in good condition, will result in forfeiture of the deposit.
-
The ex asked the pediatrician "Isn't this WAY too early?" The pediatrician replied "Not anymore. We're seeing this quite often nowadays."
The prevailing theory is that it's the water...
-
OK. I have to wade in on this one.
I have two daughters, both now married to good guys that I actually like. When the teenage girls were dating I had a habit of doing two things:
When the boy came in the first time, I was usually sitting nearby carefully putting a razor edge on my rather large knife that they couldn't help but notice was always on my hip. They would also receive a "meaningful look" while I was doing that.
I also have a habit of moving very quietly and would frequently just suddenly "be there" without anyone, including daughters, noticing me arrive. My daughters found this irritating but it definitely would spook the guys a bit, especially when they would have no good reason to expect me to show up.
One guy brought my daughter home far later than her curfew. The first time, he got a simple verbal warning not to do it again. He did do it again and I decided to have a little "talk" with him. All I did was talk but he never came back.
The girls, of course, knew at least some of my background and must have told their dates some of it. I never asked but all of their dates (with the one exception mentioned above) were extremely polite to me. Apparently I did something right.
-
True story. A friend of mine was picking up a girl he had recently started seeing. As he pulled up, he noticed a man in the garage, doing some bench pressing. He approached, and saw that it was the girl's father. My friend said, "Hi, I'm Jeremy." The father said nothing. He held out his hand, and in it was a rifle cartridge, which he placed in Jeremy's palm. The catridge had "JEREMY" engraved on it, with one of those pencil engravers
-
When I dropped the lady off, I gave him back the firing pin he didn't notice go missing when he left the room for a minute.
I'd be careful with this... I, at least, have a spare firing pin.
Actually, for my AR I have two complete uppers. Each with it's own bolt.
-
#11. A deposit of $50 is required when picking up my daughter. Curfew is at 11:00 PM. Failure to return my daughter at/before curfew, and in good condition, will result in forfeiture of the deposit.
What a bargain! I'll take two.
--Len.
-
I've never understood the whole Dad threatening his daughters date thing. Did you raise a slut? Is your daughter incapable of saying no?
It's not about trusting the daughter. It's about trusting the boy. Any man who'd trust a boy with his daughter must have total amnesia.
--Len.
-
Blah, blah, me so scary. Once the girl is out the door, your control of the situation is gone. No matter what you do to the punk, you can't turn the clock back. You want to protect your daughter? It is very easy - no unchaperoned dating until 18. Don't send them to college at 16.
Oh, but I am gonna talk tough and show them my gun collection. Like a teenager would remember when the opportunity presents itself... <barf>
How about actually meeting the guy and getting to know him as a person before you place your daughter in his hands? What a radical concept.
-
CAnnoneer, it really scares me when you talk like Jim Dobson.
-
Truth is neutral. Its source is irrelevant.
-
Truth is neutral. Its source is irrelevant.
It still scares me.
-
I've been reminding one that the lady's granddaddy owns a backhoe, and that we ain't afraid of a little midnight digging. I don't think it's sinking in. May have to do a nocturnal run to the border (go for a drive, shove the kid out of the car about 10-15 miles from home).
-
Truth is neutral. Its source is irrelevant.
It still scares me.
Dobson is 71. Maybe CAnnoneer is being groomed to take over Focus on the Family.
I was somewhat afraid of my girlfriend's dad. He was a big guy and his nose was crooked from getting it broken in a fight. He looked like a boxer from the 1940's. That being said, respect for my girlfriend is what made me behave, not fear.
As a father, I still get a chuckle out of these lists.
-
AMBULANCE DRIVER!!!!!
flick my wrist to snap it closed.
DON'T EVER DO THAT TO A REVOLVER...oops cap lock sorry...
Thats called bogarting, and only done in the movies on guns that are not owned
by people who care about the well being of their revolvers.
That move will damage your revolver!
http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=187402&highlight=hollywood
-
Hockey games are ok
Sweet. And whoever wrote this list, obviously doesn't know what you can get away with at a hockey game
Glad I don't have to deal with this, as college girls (usually) don't have daddy around anymore.
-
As a teenager, this kind of behavior from a father cracked me up. I was 6'8"/270 at 14 years old. Any kind of intimidation or scare tactic usually resulted in me getting as close to her father as reasonably possible during the conversation.
Doing this resulted in two things.
1- It made the dad a little uncomfortable when he realized I wasn't afraid to get within his arm's reach
2- Simple geometry. The closer I am, the more upward he has to look in order to look me in the eye.
Sometimes being my size comes in handy. As I am sure it will when my daughter starts dating as I plan to use the same tactics to make an impression on her dates.
W
-
Blah, blah, me so scary. Once the girl is out the door, your control of the situation is gone.
I knew a guy who tried that tactic on a dad once. He showed up one morning walking with a pronounced limp. Stayed that way for a while, too.
Brad
-
Well yes... I know that *NOW*.... But back then I didn't know much about revolvers...
-
Who needs a taser?
I'm thinking Krav Maga or MCMEF
Yeah, nothing like a palm smash to the nose to get rid of an unwanted sexual advance.
-
Years ago I was dating a girl, and her dad wasn't really all that happy that "his little girl" was dating. Well, one evening I went over there for dinner for them to get to know me a little better. And by gum, he was gonna make sure that I was properly "intimidated". So when I came over for dinner, he greeted me at the door with a revolver on his hip. Just after I said "hi" I went into that mental conversation with myself. "Do I play nice, or do I let him know that I ain't gonna intimidate?"
I decided I wasn't gonna intimidate.
I point at the revolver and ask, "Thirty-eight?" He says, "Yes."
"May I see it?" And he doesn't really know what to say... So he unholsters it and goes to hand it to me. Unfortunately, he's got the muzzle pointed right at my gut while handing it over. I gently push his hand sideways as I grab the muzzle end of the revolver, and again have that little mental argument. And again, nice loses....
I've got the gun's barrel in my hand, and do a little cowboy flip to end up with the butt of the gun in my hand, held normally. Hit the cylinder release, flick the cylinder open, look at the empty cylinder, flick my wrist to snap it closed. Do the little cowboy flip again to hand it to him butt first, holding it by the barrel again. "Nice," I say. He doesn't put it back on his hip, just takes the holster off his belt (clip-on holster), puts the gun back in it and starts walking back into the house without saying a word...
Talking the next day about it with my then girlfriend, she said that he'd been totally excited the day before about intimidating me with that little revolver. She tried to tell him that I was a gun nut, and that I wouldn't be intimidated. Apparently I completely burst his bubble......
I'm surprised he didn't shoot you for flicking it closed like that.
(bent crane, anyone?)
-
When I dropped the lady off, I gave him back the firing pin he didn't notice go missing when he left the room for a minute.
I'd be careful with this... I, at least, have a spare firing pin.
Actually, for my AR I have two complete uppers. Each with it's own bolt.
I discreetly and very indirectly asked. If he was tracking fully, he would have known. He admitted so afterwards. He thought it was kinda amusing and was rather upset when the young lady and I parted ways.
-
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
*NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a certified financial statement, job history, and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information, such as psychological profile and polygraph test, as requested.
Name ______________ Date of Birth __________ Social Security #___________
Drivers license # __________ IQ __________ GPA __________
Home Address __________________________________________________
Do you have one male and one female parent? If not, explain:
_______________________________________________________________
Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversize tires? _____ A waterbed? _____
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _____ A tattoo? _____
(If you answered YES to any of the last 5 questions, discontinue application and leave at ONCE!)
If 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DONT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "Abstinence" mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________
What is your Church affiliation? __________ How often do you attend? __________
Best time to interview your Parents? __________ Your Preacher? __________ Your Employer? __________
Have you ever been fingerprinted? __________ Had a DNA sample taken & recorded? __________
Answer the following questions under oath:
The one thing I hope this application does not ask about me is:
_________________________________________________________________
A Womans place is in the: ___________________________________________
My greatest fear is: __________________________________________________
When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is: _______________________
*Note: If your answer begins with a T or A, discontinue and LEAVE AT ONCE, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion, for your own safety.
CERTIFICATION OF ACCURACY BY APPLICANT:
I swear all information above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, dismemberment, Chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.
________________________________________ SIGNATURE
(If you have to ask what this mean, you are a MORON, so tear up this application and leave immediately!)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties, and carrying violin cases.
(You might watch your back!)
-
As has been said, you lose control when they're out the door.
A better response would be raising a daughter with the emotional stability to say no and the skill set to hurt anyone who didn't understand what it means.
-
father in law number 1 hated my van. perhaps having a bumpersticker that said "don't laugh it might be your daughter" was not wise
-
I really never got the intimidation attempt. My first girlfriend's father WAS cleaning his shotgun, but it was near hunting season. And I helped him put it back together...
If I ever have kids (ain't THAT a scary concept?), any girls will be taught how to deal with someone who won't take "no" for an answer. That can include calling her extended family for assistance if necessary...
-
If I ever have kids (ain't THAT a scary concept?), any girls will be taught how to deal with someone who won't take "no" for an answer. That can include calling her extended family for assistance if necessary...
If I ever breed (one of the signs of End Times no doubt), she'll be trained at calling in close air support. Besides being able to call 'extended family', of course.
As has been said, you lose control when they're out the door.
A better response would be raising a daughter with the emotional stability to say no and the skill set to hurt anyone who didn't understand what it means.
Very true words. Then again, you have the folks that Lawdog writes about...
http://thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2007/05/tactical-advice.html
-
oh sweet jeebus thats funny and i thought father in law one being 240 pounds of cop who worked at dc jail was bad enough
-
Perhaps, if I had a daughter, I'd feel differently: but this stuff always made me laugh as I thought to myself, "if you only knew that your daughter just got done ATTACKING me whilst mumbling that her parents were lame." That would be before, of course, she put layers of clothing back on so she didn't look -- again -- like the little tramp she had looked/acted like all evening by wearing what she wanted to wear UNDER the clothes she left the house in.
Seriously, the guy is just a guy. But the idea that daughters are some little innocents is bunk. Believing the father has it in for you just makes 2nd base in your driveway more tantalizing, especially if easy access is provided. Not trying to be an ass, but the happy little nun front is COMPLETELY that. Sixteen-year-old girls are far more dangerous than sixteen-year-old boys...
And they are just as "hormonal."
-
My girl is four weeks old and I'm already dreading her growing up. I hope to raise her with enough sense to kick you in the junk if she sees you flick one of my revolvers closed.
I'll be nice to the fellow once he gets to the house. Course once he hits the property line he has 1/2 mile of driveway and a 300ft hill to go. My long range rifle shooting area is planned to overfly said driveway. I love ringing steel with a rifle. Just a little target practice with a nice tan grass colored rifle with him left to look at 50 acres of grass and wonder evert time he drives in.
Seriously though, my town is so small I'll know the whole date before they get home. I knew someone robbed the bank three miles away while it was happening. Sheriff looked at the surveillance vid and pretty much called the dumbass robber's mother. Small town intel.
-
RevDisk, by "extended family", I'm partially refering to the link in my sig line. I'm also refering to my old man... the one that hangs out in a merc bar in Thailand...
It's nice to have friends
But, as has been said: if you haven't raised your daughter right, things ARE gonna happen. Yes, the "intimidate the boy" can keep him from trying anything, but NOTHING you do or say to the boy (short of summary castration) is gonna keep him from doing things if "daddy's lil' angel" decides she wants him to...
-
Thank god I know I'm having a boy.
"The girls make the rules, if the gates of hell don't open, no one gets pregnant." paraphrased from my junior year Civics teacher, Romano Romani, a man who grew up in Chicago during the Capone era.
I strongly beleive every teenage boy should have to babysit a "why, why, why" toddler for a weekend, talk about effective birth control. Kept my wife from getting pregnant a solid five years longer than I anticipated. No kidding.
-
worry for the boys too girls today act like i did as a kid and that is not praise
-
I had one dad of a lady I was dating tried to do the whole 'scare tactic' on me. Showed me his shiney new AR15 and everything. He didn't say anything too obvious, but insinuated he'd use it on me if I stepped out of line.
When I dropped the lady off, I gave him back the firing pin he didn't notice go missing when he left the room for a minute.
You owe me a keyboard AND a mouse
-
Our 16 yo daughter just went next door to see the new baby. She came back with horrific stories of cheese like substances oozing from the corner of it's mouth. I said, "Babies are gross, I stay away from them."
-
Our 16 yo daughter just went next door to see the new baby. She came back with horrific stories of cheese like substances oozing from the corner of it's mouth. I said, "Babies are gross, I stay away from them."
I guess that works for some girls. By 16, my sister had "sat" for quite a number of babies, so she wasn't going to be grossed out anymore. To her, babies meant getting paid to watch TV while the baby sleeps and the parents are out with friends.
Then again, she didn't sleep around, either, so maybe it works.
My wife spent the past couple of years potty-training two-year-olds for TEN HOURS a day. She wants kids more than before.
-
Fistful:
I was able to buy a couple of years by getting my wife a puppy.
-
i ended up with 13 dogs and 9 cats before wife one escaped