While walking to work in early spring, I was accosted by a high-speed female duck. Normally the ducks are a tad bit shy around humans, but this young lady came zipping past me, quacking up a storm, and actually brushed my trouser leg as she rocketed by.
Our ducks are not known for being terribly sociable with humans. We don't feed them breadcrumbs, but they do like to hang out in the fountain, and will follow a carefully laid trail of cheeze-its all over campus. College students always have cheese-its. One particular mallard liked to sit at the corner of the fountain every morning. I would walk by coming from class, say good morning, and he would quack at me. That was as close as we got. When people would get too close for comfort, they would usually waddle off.
I was quite puzzled as to why this normally shy creature had intentionally touched me. I got my answer in short order. She figured that I was less of a threat to her than what was after her, but that whatever was chasing her would be sufficiently afraid of me not to cross my path. So what was after her? Over the rise came a very aroused flock of male mallards, quacking, pushing, flapping, fluffing, and looking around for this evidently very attractive young lady duck. So, being the chivalrous lad that I am, I could not stand idly by while this gang of ruffians threatened her virtue. I put on my meanest looking face, flapped, squawked, and sallied forth into the middle of their formation shouting "SHOO, DUCK! SHOO!"
...And then they exploded. I don't mean in the sense of flying shrapnel, but rather fifteen ducks, all standing within three feet of me, suddenly taking flight. At least two of them actually slammed into me when they took off. Evidently a large, loud creature, working very hard to make a total ass of himself, is not much of a barrier to flight, even if he's right in front of you. Nobody ever said ducks were smart. I suspect that the lady duck was watching this with the same smugness exhibited by any female who gets men to fight over her.
So, I emerged from the shower of feathers and angry quacks to find that I had run to within twenty feet of the main exit to the building, where a large group of very attractive young ladies (human ladies, that is) had just come out of a dance class. Realizing just what an idiot I looked like, I did the only thing I could. I straightened my hat, snuffed out my cigarette, and walked into my office amid a chorus of mocking quacks. I have yet to live this one down.