Author Topic: Dive Bars (Read 4874 times)

doczinn · « **on:** February 27, 2006, 08:22:29 PM »

Any other fans of dive bars here? I was hoping to make a comprehensive list of what is and isn't a dive bar.

For example:

- If the walls are covered in red vinyl, it might be a dive.
- If the bartender is a woman and she's hot, it's definitely NOT a dive.
- If the bartender is a woman and she's ugly, it might be a dive.
- If happy hour is 4 hours long, it might be a dive.
- If the bartender drinks more than the customers, it might be a dive.
- If the place has a good jukebox, it's not a dive.
- If the place has a jukebox stuck on Merle Haggard, it might be a dive.
- If the place has a jukebox that doesn't work at all, it might be a dive.
- If there's EVER a line to get in, it's not a dive.

And so on.

Notice there is no definite qualification for being a dive. It's more of a cumulative thing, where if a place has more than a certain number of pluses, it's a dive.

Anyone else got any?

Guest · « **Reply #1 on:** February 27, 2006, 09:12:41 PM »

Up untill very recently I worked graveyard shift in the city.

Let me add to the list; anyplace that is open and serving hard drinks at 7am on a Sunday morning is probably a dive. I love them with a passion. Nowhere else can a man, no matter how sad, be guaranteed of not feeling insecure for any reason.

Old Fud · « **Reply #2 on:** February 27, 2006, 09:36:39 PM »

When every stool has a fat butt showing crack, it's a dive.

280plus · « **Reply #3 on:** February 28, 2006, 12:59:56 AM »

If the ice cubes look up from your glass and wink at you, you might be in a dive.

garyk/nm · « **Reply #4 on:** February 28, 2006, 01:56:56 AM »

If total # of teeth divided by total # of bodies <12, it might be a dive.

crt360 · « **Reply #5 on:** February 28, 2006, 03:37:35 AM »

If the sign is crookedly handpainted on plywood and the name of the joint is the owner's name followed by "Place" like "Joe's Place" or "Wilma's Place" it's probably a dive. If it has a nickname then "Place" like "Mookie's Place" it's definitely a dive.

If the only pool table has a car jack holding up one corner and the good cue is the curved one with the tip on it, it's probably a dive.

If ladies older than your momma are buying you Bloody Marys and drinking you under the table, you're probably in a dive (and you should probably exit this scenario as soon as possible).

If the only indoor light is provided by neon beer signs, it's probably a dive.

280plus · « **Reply #6 on:** February 28, 2006, 04:32:15 AM »

If there's a drunk ugly fat chick known as "5 Dollar Dot" hanging all over you, you might be in a dive. No, actually, you'd DEFINITELY be in a dive.

LMAO...

charby · « **Reply #7 on:** February 28, 2006, 04:34:30 AM »

If they are open from 6am to 2am, have PBR on tap and serve chili all those hours it might be a dive bar

Nathaniel Firethorn · « **Reply #8 on:** February 28, 2006, 06:07:15 AM »

If you see this out front, you know it's a dive bar.

- NF

280plus · « **Reply #9 on:** February 28, 2006, 06:09:21 AM »

Best one yet...

Cheesy

JAlexander · « **Reply #10 on:** February 28, 2006, 06:52:27 AM »

I can't help it, I have to take issue with a couple of these.

First of all, if the bartender is conventionally/sorority-girl hot, then yeah, it's not a dive. On the other hand, if her hair is some color not found in nature, she has lots of visible tattoos, more metal in her flesh than you have in your pockets, and she's still hot, then you may well be in a dive.

Second, what do you call a 'good' jukebox? I like Merle Haggard. So if the place has Merle, Willie, Waylon, Hank, and Van Halen, then you could be in a dive. In my opinion, any beer joint gets extra points for a jukebox that leans heavily toward musicians who died prematurely.

Quote from: doczinn

- If the bartender is a woman and she's hot, it's definitely NOT a dive.
...
- If the place has a good jukebox, it's not a dive.
- If the place has a jukebox stuck on Merle Haggard, it might be a dive.

To carry CRT360's point a little further... If it's called the Stumble Inn, Drift Inn, or Dew Drop Inn, then it's probably a dive. In fact, any place which has a name that includes the word 'Inn' could be a dive. Likewise names like 'Da Spot' or 'The Office' are probably dives.

Finally, if it can legitimately be called a 'beer joint', it might be a dive.

James

Art Eatman · « **Reply #11 on:** February 28, 2006, 07:38:56 AM »

If it ain't safe to stay past drunk-thirty, much less until closing time, it's a dive.

, Art

...has left the building. · « **Reply #12 on:** February 28, 2006, 08:20:15 AM »

If the attendance of the bar is 40% women yet 65% of the people have facial hair, it might be a dive.

I'm a fan of some dives.

Guest · « **Reply #13 on:** February 28, 2006, 09:29:28 AM »

-If the HVACR has ever had a smoke bomb go off in it - it just might be a dive bar.

-If the bathrooms have ever been the place where the keg floated off to - it might just be a dive bar.

-If even the hookers won't go in to th place - it might just be a dive bar.

-If MADD won't even have folks stand outside and protest - it just be a dive bar.

-If a cup hook rack is next to a corkboard with Taxi numbers to put vehicle keys - it might just be a dive bar.

-If the metal security awning is use to keep folks IN - it might just be a dive bar.

-If your 9 year old son had bigger breasts than the topless dancer on stage - it might just be a dive bar.

-If you see a bunch of folks waking up from sleeping in vehicles, and all standing there at that door like folks do at a camping ground waiting to enter a "showers and restrooms"- that might just be a dive bar.

If you see a bare spot where a tent used to be, whiskey bottles and beer cans strewn about the grounds - that AIN'T a dive bar. That IS where the Baptists had their tent revival last night though...

erik the bold · « **Reply #14 on:** February 28, 2006, 09:29:51 AM »

Bob's Country Bunker Wink

(for those who remember the movie...)

280plus · « **Reply #15 on:** February 28, 2006, 09:57:35 AM »

"What's the chicken wire for?"

Cheesy

Guest · « **Reply #16 on:** February 28, 2006, 10:42:53 AM »

"What's the chicken wire for?"

The original idea was to keep the band safe from bottles, chairs and folks being tossed at 'em. Oh and to keep the bands equipment from getting stolen during breaks.

Later on it was found to keep them "Two's" from going after the band at closing time - all the other fellas had managed to stagger right quick out of the joint.

Some bands new to the oad and a bit cherry to ways of the world...Lock the band in so they can't leave once the joint gets filled up and the beer flows.

Safest place in a dive bar? Just keep hiding behind Big Rosie - she won't find you, and for sure noone is going to try to get past her - to get to you.

Best occupation to have and be a patron of a dive bar? Pawn shop owner. Folks get rid of stuff cheap when they are thirsty, on the prowl, or need to come home with a paycheck - already spent.

Oh...and some patrons are not low class rednecks. Just like some are not on street corners begging for money really destitute. Some are doing research for Thesis in various Disciplines.

"Hard part getting my PhD was surviving Harry Hines Blvd" - A PhD whom shared some interesting matters about getting his degree Tongue

grampster · « **Reply #17 on:** February 28, 2006, 11:12:28 AM »

If the stale cigarette smoke makes your eyes water when the place opens in the morning it might be a dive.

If you have to spray room deoderant around the barstool you're sitting on you're in a dive.

If you put your sunglasses on to avoid seing what and who is in the bar, you may be in a dive.

erik the bold · « **Reply #18 on:** February 28, 2006, 12:35:32 PM »

SM didn't get the joke, 280 rolleyes

charby · « **Reply #19 on:** February 28, 2006, 12:45:47 PM »

Quote from: erik the bold

SM didn't get the joke, 280 rolleyes

I think he did, he just spelled it out for the other folks in here, like the 2 or 3 that haven't seen the movie

Guest · « **Reply #20 on:** February 28, 2006, 01:33:08 PM »

Music?? we have both kinds, country AND western! Cheesy

doczinn · « **Reply #21 on:** February 28, 2006, 02:27:12 PM »

Quote

If it has a nickname then "Place" like "Mookie's Place" it's definitely a dive.

Careful, there are no criteria that alone can make a place a dive...

Quote

[First of all, if the bartender is conventionally/sorority-girl hot, then yeah, it's not a dive. On the other hand, if her hair is some color not found in nature, she has lots of visible tattoos, more metal in her flesh than you have in your pockets, and she's still hot, then you may well be in a dive.

You are absolutely correct.

I like Merle, too, but if that's ALL that's on the jukebox, it might be a dive.

If the name includes the word "cocktails," it might be a dive.

280plus · « **Reply #22 on:** February 28, 2006, 02:32:16 PM »

Quote

SM didn't get the joke, 280

LOL...that's ok, I like sm, his gr-gr-gr-grandaddy or something like that was a rebel. Cheesy

Here's another one I dreamed up outta past experiences...

If there's friut flies hovering around the urinal for you to aim at, you might be in a dive.

doczinn · « **Reply #23 on:** February 28, 2006, 03:15:32 PM »

If there's a cover charge, it's not a dive.

If there's live music, and it's good, it's probably not a dive.

Guest · « **Reply #24 on:** February 28, 2006, 04:27:35 PM »

Oh I got it all right...just passing forward a bit was all.

Now Art can most likley share more than I can...not saying anything about art other than he has been around longer than I...

Chicken Wire had other uses...like...

See them bottles were behind chicken wire and padlocked for a reason...looked good for the Revenuers. Now even a rowdy bunch will put the empty longnecks in the spot for "recycling". The fact they were being "rebottled" from Bert's farm down the way and...well you had two choices beer or something stronger, later being a off clear color.

Revenuer would just see the stamps, bottles all nice and neat and let it be...

Now not all dives are the same, some are "respectable" and have great food. Folks could go into town and pay too much for a steak from a franchise, or head out a bit down the way and get a REAL Steak, and hear Jerry Jeff Walker at the same time. Oil barons, rich ranchers, bankers and such showing up in Cowboy El-Caminos - That is a Caddy cut away to make a ElCamino for you that didnt' know.

Chicken wire not heavy enough so go up a guage or two - heck even steel and wood fences, them gators down in LA will come thru chicken wire to get after a chicken a bit too close to the swamp...takes care of that yippy dog "sniff...sniff" sorry about that darling...[not].

Not just Country or Western. Some fine old Rock-n-Roll played in some of these places.

Ya'll forgot the boiled eggs and pickled pigs feet, pretzels, popcorn, T-shirt swapping with the ladies, darts pinball and pool.

Chicken wire kept most of the debris off a pool table - pinball players like myself developed some skills far more than "English", keep that ball in play with folks bouncing off the machine, dodgeing a fist, beer bottle or who knows what. We most times were "exposed" [ not behind chicken wire] Never played a Video Game - I do have experience in "Space Cowboy - ducking a Pearl Longneck , not getting hit by a bar stool- and not going "tilt".

And folks say video games are real...Ha!

David Allen Coe never missed a beat either that night...

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Author Topic: Dive Bars (Read 4874 times)

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...has left the building.

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