Here is a mess I hope none of us ever have to face....

[SomeKid]

I side with the cop on this one. You can argue that he went about it the wrong way, but I cannot blame a man for refusing to raise someone else's kids. His story however is an excellent reminder for me to have DNA checks done on my kids though.

[Werewolf]

I side with the cop on this one. You can argue that he went about it the wrong way, but I cannot blame a man for refusing to raise someone else's kids. His story however is an excellent reminder for me to have DNA checks done on my kids though.

Any man who has spent 12 years of his life believing he is a child's father and behaving accordingly who can just toss that out the window because it turned out he wasn't the sperm donor is no man in my book.

[onions!]

I side with the cop on this one. You can argue that he went about it the wrong way, but I cannot blame a man for refusing to raise someone else's kids. His story however is an excellent reminder for me to have DNA checks done on my kids though.

Any man who has spent 12 years of his life believing he is a child's father and behaving accordingly who can just toss that out the window because it turned out he wasn't the sperm donor is no man in my book.

So if your neighbor has lived here for twelve years & it turns out he's an illegal does that mean that he's not a criminal?


BTW,my perspective comes from me,personally,being a step kid.*When the divorce happened I lost my only "dad" basically overnight.The years of parentage/fathership/whatever were gone.To the best of my knowledge I wasn't anything but a tool(excuse) in an argument.& I never heard from the Step again.YMMV but I believe that the guy did right.

*I realize that in my case the father figure knew that I wasn't his.I also realize that my own life expieriences dictate that I will never raise someone else' kids[never say never-it wouldn't be in my top ten choices].

If that makes me an ahole-so be it.

[Werewolf]

I side with the cop on this one. You can argue that he went about it the wrong way, but I cannot blame a man for refusing to raise someone else's kids. His story however is an excellent reminder for me to have DNA checks done on my kids though.

Any man who has spent 12 years of his life believing he is a child's father and behaving accordingly who can just toss that out the window because it turned out he wasn't the sperm donor is no man in my book.

So if your neighbor has lived here for twelve years & it turns out he's an illegal does that mean that he's not a criminal?

Apples and oranges - not even close to the same thing.

Fatherhood is a function of actions, feelings, responsibilities, relationships.

BTW,my perspective comes from me,personally,being a step kid.*When the divorce happened I lost my only "dad" basically overnight.The years of parentage/fathership/whatever were gone.To the best of my knowledge I wasn't anything but a tool(excuse) in an argument.& I never heard from the Step again.YMMV but I believe that the guy did right.

*I realize that in my case the father figure knew that I wasn't his.I also realize that my own life expieriences dictate that I will never raise someone else' kids[never say never-it wouldn't be in my top ten choices].

If that makes me an ahole-so be it.

It doesn't make you an ahole - it makes your step father an ahole. Unless he made it clear during the marriage that he wasn't your father, and assumed no fatherly responsibilities - which - come to think of it would make him an ahole too considering you were part of the marriage package that came with your mother all. He knew about you when he married your mom. How could any real man not assume the duties of a DAD when it comes to a child who is living in his home.

Some guys attach way too much importance to the genetic link I guess.

SPERM DONOR = BIOLOGICAL FATHER
SPERM DONOR != FATHER

[The Viking]

I side with the cop. I can understand not wanting to spend money to raise the child someone else fathered. IOW, he (biological father) made it, he's responsible for it. Seeing as his wife was a cheating whore, I understand that he wants to disassociate himself from her. As for not wanting to see the child...I understand that as well. He feels cheated I'd guess. Yeah, he's the father in the terms of raising, teaching instilling good values and blablabla, but finding out that its not genetically his must've felt like being kicked in the nuts...

[Werewolf]

He feels cheated I'd guess. Yeah, he's the father in the terms of raising, teaching instilling good values and blablabla, but finding out that its not genetically his must've felt like being kicked in the nuts...

Which is the difference between being a father and an ahole. A father puts the welfare of the child first; an ahole puts his own feelings first.

But I guess I'm in the minority here in siding against the cop. Surprising and not a little dissapointing.

[SomeKid]

Which is the difference between being a father and an ahole. A father puts the welfare of the child first; an ahole puts his own feelings first.

Going by this standard...

There are children in Africa who need food, and good upbringing Werewolf. I take it that of course, unless you view yourself as an ahole you will be raising them, yes? If you are unwilling to put the welfare of those children first, you are of course an ahole.

For any who don't get me point, I am disagreeing with Wolfs assertion that there are only fathers and aholes. A better description of an ahole would be someone who goes out and tries to make life tough on the kid, as a matter of revenge. A father is the person who takes care of the kid. And all other men are simply, other men. The cop falls into the catagory of other men.

Side note, after I re-read it occurred to me that we may want to watch our language. Mods may not approve of our descriptive terms. Just a thought.

[wmenorr67]

Somekid you are comparing apples to oranges with the comment about children in Africa.  Those children along with millions more across the world are born into a situation that even the parents have no control over.  But a lot of those children's parents still put the welfare of the children ahead of their own.  Any person who puts their needs over the needs of a child is an ahole in my book also.

Wolf never said that their are only fathers and aholes.  But any man or woman in the situation that children are involved and put the child second don't need to be involved in raising a child.

There is an old saying along the lines that it takes a license to legally drive a car but anyone can become a parent.

Another one is that we need less people with children and more parents.


edit for fingers faster than brain

[cordex]

The ability to utterly abandon an existing parent-child relationship of twelve years because of the actions of the mother clearly demonstrates the utter lack of depth of the cop's commitment to being a father.  So yes, ahole.

The mom screwed up big time.  At minimum she cheated on the cop and lied to him about who was the father.  However, the cop raised the daughter as his own child, forged a relationship with her and then utterly abandoned her when given a legal out.

The way I see it, he was an uncommitted, thoughtless, skin-deep father with no real attachment to the girl who he has been daddy to for twelve years.  ahole, but shes better off without him and shes really not losing something as she never had it.  The other possibility is that he was a good dad for twelve years and made the hard choice to destroy everything he had built because he wasnt biologically the father.  ahole again, but even worse for the girl because now she is really losing a father.

The cop was a victim of his wife's bad choices, but his daughter is the victim of his.

[Marnoot]

The way I see it, he was an uncommitted, thoughtless, skin-deep father with no real attachment to the girl who he has been daddy to for twelve years.  ahole, but shes better off without him and shes really not losing something as she never had it.  The other possibility is that he was a good dad for twelve years and made the hard choice to destroy everything he had built because he wasnt biologically the father.  ahole again, but even worse for the girl because now she is really losing a father.

The cop was a victim of his wife's bad choices, but his daughter is the victim of his.

Exactly. Either his commitment to the daughter was skin-deep all along, making him an a-hole; or it was deep all along and he threw it out in the trash, making him a stupid a-hole. It demonstrates that his "love" for his daughter was based only on the fact that he thought she was biologically his, and not out of any real love for the child herself.

"Sorry sweety, I only loved you because I thought you were my biological daughter. Now that I know you're not, I don't give a crap about you." Classy...

[SomeKid]

Like I said in an earlier post, you can question the way he did it, but he did nothing wrong in refusing to raise someone else's kid. For all we know he had a sit down talk with her and laid out the truth. It would be tough on the kid, but IMO it is the nicest thing to do in the circumstances to her.

Ask yourself this question.

Your wife cheated on you, and you have been raising some SOBs kid. You find out the truth. Do you honestly want to torture yourself every time you see that kid? The kid isn't exactly going to be a font of good memories, that kid is a reminder of his wife, and some guy she slept with. IMO, by severing the relationship, he did the best thing he could. Maybe he did it in a tactless manner, but severing it was the right thing to do.

[Werewolf]

Your wife cheated on you, and you have been raising some SOBs kid. You find out the truth. Do you honestly want to torture yourself every time you see that kid? The kid isn't exactly going to be a font of good memories, that kid is a reminder of his wife, and some guy she slept with.

You don't have children do you SOMEKID? You've never loved or been loved by a child, have you? I can hardly believe you have based on your responses here.

If you did you'd know that loving a child is just that - loving a child. Teaching them, playing with them, being with them, helping them and all the rest - good and bad - that goes with being a parent.

Finding out you weren't the sperm donor doesn't make all that go away. It doesn't take away the good times, the bad times, the years of experiences simply because you weren't involved during the 10 minutes it took to conceive the child. You don't punish a child for the sins of the mother.

Donating the sperm takes 10 minutes. Being a father takes years and years. You don't throw away the years just because you didn't get to enjoy the 10 minutes.

Keep this in mind KID - there's an old saying that goes like this. Momma's Baby - Papa's maybe. It still holds true unless one is so insecure in their manhood that they feel they must go the DNA route.

I'll say this one more time and I'll say no more in this rather disconcerting thread:

You don't punish a child for the sins of the mother.

[SomeKid]

Were, so basically, you are saying that the man who got the shaft should continue receiving the shaft? By removing things like child support after all, there will be less money for the kid (supposedly).

It may not be full of fluffy bunnies and feel good, but there is no reason why an innocent man - the cop in this case - should suffer. The child will suffer, but you cannot lay the blame on this to the man, because it isn't his fault. Nothing he can do can realistically alleviate this. Attempting to force him to do so would be cruel towards him. It goes way beyond 10 fun minutes. (As an aside, only 10?)

Oh, and WW, it is just a name. Unless you want me to start referring to you as 'good doggy', you should remember it.

[wmenorr67]

SomeKid there is more to being a "good" parent than just child support also.

But you are right we don't know the whole story and the cop may have talked to the child before hand.  But it still doesn't make it right.  The only way I can see how he could just throw away twelve years is if he didn't care at all.

I am raising two children with my wife, our son and her/our daughter.  Now granted she had her/our daughter before we became involved but I don't treat our daughter any differently than our son. 

Let me say it again, anyone can be a sperm/egg donor, but it takes someone special to be a parent.  And for someone to turn their back on an innocent child is not a parent in my book.  And as for the cop, I hope he never becomes the actual sperm donor because what excuse will he come up with next time to not be a parent.

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

the cop could never come in my house  nor would i do buisness with him

i've raised a few kids not my own  been in relationships where i missed the kids more than mom when it was over. one of the finest examples of "the right thing" in my life was a prison chaplin who found out that his sons weren't his.  he went through changes over it regarding his relationship with wife  but he never even blinked as far as how he treated HIS  boys.  and the kids were the better for it.  that said the kid is better off without someone that shallow pretending to be her dad.  and dad should work for iad

[LadySmith]

Couldn't the father continue being the father while the biological unit/sperm donor pays child support?

[wmenorr67]

If the mother know's who the sperm donor is it could be possible.  But it looks as in the cop's situation he didn't want to be the father if he wasn't the sperm donor.  Really have to feel sorry for the child.

[jeepmor]

I don't blame the guy for walking away.  It's not very damn big of him, but sometimes severing things and moving on is the only real option.  Worse things have happened.

Sounds like the problem really lies in the bureaucracy here.  Any limitations on paternity results is ridiculous.   

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

I have to agree witht the cop.  I'd wager that he bolted because of the ongoing behavior of the mother, not because the girl proved to have someone else's genes.  Odds are that the mother was using the daughter as a weapon against him and wouldn't have allowed him to be a proper father anyway.  In most of those situations the "best" the father can manage is a miserable, dysfunctional relationship with the child, one that is undermined and sabotaged by the mother at every turn.  Better to make a clean break and let everyone get on with their lives.

I don't care who you are, or how good your fathering skills are, or how big your heart is.  You can't be a father when the mother is constantly trying to convince your children that you're the scum of the earth.  We don't know if the mother in this particular case is doing that, but I'd bet on it.

[Werewolf]

I don't care who you are, or how good your fathering skills are, or how big your heart is.  You can't be a father when the mother is constantly trying to convince your children that you're the scum of the earth.  We don't know if the mother in this particular case is doing that, but I'd bet on it.

A very well reasoned hypothesis...