Dealing with your SO

[Third_Rail]

I'm a full time student in a community college, training to be a CNC programmer and backup manual machinist (toolroom work).

I go to school an average of 6 hours a day, then come home to work on homework for another two to three hours, all the while getting dinner ready for myself and my wife.

My wife Jessica is working as a full time hairdresser at a nice little salon, about 42-46 hours a week including the 1/2hr commute each way. I love her very much, and I love that she's willing to work hard while I go to school, as a tired machinist doesn't generally act the safest.

When she comes home, she's already worked a full day, complete with the little nitwits in every profession - someone wanting an appointment when there simple aren't any and most are booked a full month ahead, etc.

She'll sit down in front of the TV and turn it on (or, if I'm working on the workbench which is right next to the TV, have me turn it on), and watches TV while she eats dinner. I usually eat dinner at the kitchen table, and I always invite her over when I do.

After we've both eaten dinner, I do the dishes, and every other day I go do the laundry at the laundr-o-mat here in the apartment complex. By the time I'm finished with that, it's 9:30 or so and I'm exhausted, so I go to bed. She stays up and watches TV until midnight, usually.

Like I've said, I love my wife very much and I'd love to spend more quality time with her, but I'm unsure of how to bring up these points to her without being offensive:

I don't want to be eating alone every night, nor do I want to have to sit in front of the TV to eat with my wife.
I don't like the fact that I have to do the laundry each and every single time we need to.
I don't want to always be cooking the meals, there are days that she has off and I don't, which I still have to make dinner.
I do want to be married to her, as she's a wonderful person, but I don't want to clean up after her as if she's a child.

I've come up with a few ideas on approaching her, but I just don't want to say the wrong thing.

Thanks in advance.

[wmenorr67]

Maybe start by not turning the TV on and asking her to sit down and have a serious conversation some night.

[Justin]

Television is the opiate of the masses.

[charby]

I'm not married yet, but will be in about six months. Were not living together yet either (we're 130 miles apart right now), but we will be in July. What we have good between us is communication, if something is bothering either one of us we tell the other person. For the most part its just little things but I think it is just little things because we communicate between each other.

As we are merging households (we're both in our 30's and never married so each of us has entire households of stuff) we both have been doing a ton of compromising what stays and what goes, been going on for the past two months and neither one of us has pitched a fit about having to give up a possession that the other person has suggested.

Plus we have been talking about how we are going to split up the household duties, at first I was going to take care of all the outside work and she would do the inside work (her suggestion) the I explained to her that mowing the grass, gardening and snow removal didn't involve that much time on the grand scale. So now were playfully arguing over who gets to do the laundry, we both want to do it to make less work for the other person.

From how you spell out your situation, your in school and she works full time to support both of you, you have a great relationship maybe just need to communicate a little better. Go for a walk in the evening before supper, hard to go walking with your sweetie and not say a word. Just remember when you do talk to her about whats bothering you, try not to make it all one sided.

C

[Third_Rail]

Good advice all round so far - I'll be asking her to go for a walk in the park with me... it's quite literally 30 seconds from my front door.

[Big_R]

Mrs. Big_R doesn't work, stays home with the little ones (4 and 3 years old).  I put in the long hours, with long commute and earn enough to support the family unitl the kids start school, at which point Mrs. Big_R will go back to work.  Problem is, when I get home, the last thing I want to do is deal with people, I've been doing that all day.  First thing Mrs. Big_R wants to do is talk about my day, etc.  Caused some friction, let me tell you.

My guess, at the end of the day, your wife just doesn't want any human contact, i.e. peace and quiet.  Some suggestions, eat with her on the couch, offer her a backrub with the radio on, go for a walk with her, etc.  Bottom line, she needs to know that you value her opinion and want some communication.  You also need to know when to leave her alone.  Mrs Big_R and I have an agreement that I get 30 minutes once I'm home to myself.  In return, she gets 60 minutes where I entertain the kids (her time).  It works.  Good luck.

Ryan

[BozemanMT]

Read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  It will explain so much.  Sometimes, people need their alone time.  And sometimes you have to give up your alone time to help out your spouse and just hold them.  (women or men, don't care, everyone likes to be held).

And just sit and talk and disucss these issues.

This BTW, is why I think you shouldn't live together til you get married.  Too easy to hide and not deal with issues, where once married, you have made a commitment and you better work it out.
but that's just me.  Go read the book and sit and talk.  Hold her hand while you talk, nobody can be mad with their hand being held.
HTH

[Jamisjockey]

Don't pay the cable bill

Seriously, just tell her how you feel.
You do both need alone time, but that much every day is excessive.

[richyoung]

How sad it is - we start out as children, speaking honestly from the heart.  You know without a shadow of a doubt if a 6 year old loves you, hates peas, or was hurt by somehting you said or did.  As life goes by, we stop speaking from the heart, and we build up walls to keep others from coming, and seeing, in.  When we finally get into a relationship, we find we don't know any longer how to speak from the heart, and that those walls are actually a prison that keeps us in solitary confinement.  The one thing I *KNOW* works to fix this is the Pathways program started by Dr. Phil McGraw, of Oprah fame.  It's not cheap, but if you really, REALLY want to connect with another person, it wil give you the knowledge about yourself and the tools to live a deeply connected meaningful life.  How do I know?  I once was inside my own walls...This is how it feels to be FREE!!!

Rich Young - "I am a strong, brave, joyful man who loves himself"
Pathways class 227

http://gopathways.org/index.htm