The New Direction (of the GOP)

[roo_ster]

The New Direction
Posted by Frank J. on November 6, 2008 at 12:07 pm

It is time to take hold of the reigns of the Republican Party and the country. This is not the time for whiners and sissies. This must be conservatism at its bone-crushing best.

While the Democrats are focused on their tiny ideas like their piddling crap handouts and free candy — the sort of things little weenie losers get all excited about — we’re going to talk big ideas like Dinosaurs with rocket launchers, nuking the moon, and an economy so powerful and dominating it makes the rest of the world look like a dying wasteland.

While the Democrats rally around words they think are so important but are so empty by themselves such as “Hope”, “Change”, “Unity”, and “Diversity”, we’re going to rally around words like “Awesomeness”, “Kick-Assery”, and “Laser-Firing Death Robots.”

But what we need most of all are strong, simple principles to rally behind. Here’s what I’m thinking:

Everyone should have guns; all other freedoms derive from that.

The God given rights thing is hard for some people to understand, so I think this makes things simpler. We all get guns and that cannot be infringed anywhere, and people can figure out the other rights from there. Is some hippie going to tell a guy with a gun what he can and can’t say? Only once.

Only whiny little bitches care how much money other people have.

The only reason anyone should be concerned about the success of others is if they want to copy it. How much money someone makes shouldn’t even be the concern of the government. If someone making a lot of money gets you all bothered because it reminds you of what a tiny little penis you have, then you need to live in a sissier country that tolerates whiny babies, pinko.

Other countries should fear us like an angry god.

Having the respect of other countries is nice and all, but usually pretty fickle. Fear is a nice constant. All other countries should know that if you cross us, we will come at you with like a spider monkey. You won’t know what to expect. While you’re running around in caves with AK-47s, we’ll have robots with gattling gun arms, lasers shooting you from space, micro-nukes, death rays, and of course genetically engineered dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them. To have victory against us is as infeasible as winning in a fist fight with the sun.

Government is evil.

It’s a necessary evil, but it is an evil. Any application of government should be done in a somber fashion, as it is a failure of our humanity that we couldn’t handle it as individual citizens. Deciding whether to apply government to solve a problem should be considered on the same level as burning down an orphanage full of children to solve a problem. Deciding to tax should be thought of like deciding to stab an innocent man for our own gain. Anyone who celebrates government is a ghoulish wretch who must be ostracized from polite society.

So that’s my first pass at our defining principles. Anything to add? Remember to keep it simple and basic. This isn’t the belly button-gazing, effete, latte-sipping conservative club.

This is the Republican Underground!

An awful lot of "wisdom of the ages" in the above bit of satire.  I can ID Niccolo Machiavelli, Adam Smith, Jefferson & Franklin, to start.

[makattak]

An awful lot of "wisdom of the ages" in the above bit of satire.  I can ID Niccolo Machiavelli, Adam Smith, Jefferson & Franklin, to start.

Oderint dum metuant.

THAT'S what people should think when they are told "But ______ country hates us!"

[SADShooter]

I'm good with that, mak.

I would like to pick a nit, though, because I'm seeing it much more often recently. Is it too much to ask professional writers/commentators/pundits that they not confuse "reign" and "rein"?

[MicroBalrog]

An awful lot of "wisdom of the ages" in the above bit of satire.

Several backwards societies actually DO worship American soldiers as gods and/or ascribe omnipotence to the US.

[Manedwolf]

Several backwards societies actually DO worship American soldiers as gods and/or ascribe omnipotence to the US.

Cargo cult.

[MicroBalrog]

Cargo cult.

Not only that.

I've heard interviews with people in Afghanistan and other such countries that think America secretly supports in Al-Quaeda. Argument: "If America wants someone dead, they can always kill them. Al-Quaeda is alive, clearly America doesn't want them dead."

Think of it. People in the Middle East literally ascribe to America the power to reach anywhere in the world, and kill whoever they want, being completely unstoppable. That's omnipotence.

[Manedwolf]

Not only that.

I've heard interviews with people in Afghanistan and other such countries that think America secretly supports in Al-Quaeda. Argument: "If America wants someone dead, they can always kill them. Al-Quaeda is alive, clearly America doesn't want them dead."

Think of it. People in the Middle East literally ascribe to America the power to reach anywhere in the world, and kill whoever they want, being completely unstoppable. That's omnipotence.

Sometimes, US forces even use local superstition.

Apparently, in Afghanistan at one point over the last few years, a B1 that had already done its thing managed to provide support by scaring away a bunch of tribal Taliban types in an absolute panic.

It just came in a bit low with afterburners lit. Said tribal sorts saw a rising plume of sand, lit from within, with a scream or roar or both, coming towards them. They scattered, apparently with screams of absolute terror.

Because in their mythos, mentioned in the Koran in detail, even, there's one thing that travels that way...a djinn.

[Perd Hapley]

He forgot one thing:  Obama delendus est.


NO, that's not a death threat.     Just speaking politically, here. 

[MicroBalrog]

He forgot one thing:  Obama delenda est.

That's not the proper Latin.

The proper latin is Obama delendus est.

[Perd Hapley]

And the proper English is "Latin."     Thanks, though.  My Latin is just whatever I've picked up here and there.

[Standing Wolf]

If someone making a lot of money gets you all bothered because it reminds you of what a tiny little penis you have, then you need to live in a sissier country that tolerates whiny babies, pinko.

Unfortunately, the busybodies have become the majority. It's taken the leftist extremists nearly a century to achieve it, but achieve it they have: virtually everyone accepts as a given the principle—if you could even call it a "principle"—that people who earn and/or have more money are required to give up more of it to government in the name of those who don't.

Once you legitimate government a "little" theft in the name of this, that, or any other stupid cause, all theft and all other losses of rights become perfectly ordinary-looking.

[longeyes]

It's no longer satire when you hear your supposedly educated, liberal friends saying much the same thing, believing it, and laughing at their own jokes like terminal adolescents.

[RaspberrySurprise]

Sometimes, US forces even use local superstition.

Apparently, in Afghanistan at one point over the last few years, a B1 that had already done its thing managed to provide support by scaring away a bunch of tribal Taliban types in an absolute panic.

It just came in a bit low with afterburners lit. Said tribal sorts saw a rising plume of sand, lit from within, with a scream or roar or both, coming towards them. They scattered, apparently with screams of absolute terror.

Because in their mythos, mentioned in the Koran in detail, even, there's one thing that travels that way...a djinn.

Something tells me that would scare the bejeebers out of anyone, at least until the B-1 roared overheard and they noticed it was a plane.

[MicroBalrog]

Something tells me that would scare the bejeebers out of anyone, at least until the B-1 roared overheard and they noticed it was a plane.

Yes, because once I realized I was under attack from one of the world's most potent strategic bombers I would be so reassured.

[RaspberrySurprise]

Yes, because once I realized I was under attack from one of the world's most potent strategic bombers I would be so reassured.

Certainly! You'd be assured of a relatively quick and painless death at the hand of the American Satan, sure to grant you a quick passage to Paradise. What more could a Jihadi want?

[grey54956]

This may be satire, but I find myself drawn to the truth of it.  This should actually be the new direction of the GOP, conservatives, and/or all decent Americans.

[longeyes]

The GOP has only one thing to build on: the maximization of individual liberty and the responsibilities that go with it.

It is not the job of the GOP to preserve or save all of or any subset of "Western civilization" if what it saves conduces to moral prescription that reduces individual liberty.  In a world that wants to become collectivist and socialist and statist we need to be very clear on what alternatives we are offering and not get lost in endorsing orthodoxies that reduce rather than enhance individual freedom. 

I think the conservative movement needs a new name; I propose the dynamist movement.  We were given a vision by the Founding Fathers, based on their empirical observations of what made for the best society, and a toolkit for effecting that vision, our Constitution and Bill of Rights.