Joke time

[Monkeyleg]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[lupinus]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[HankB]

A Texan trying to help . . .

"I saw an Islamic extremist fall into the Rio Grande this morning; he
was struggling to stay afloat because of the suicide belt and satchel
full of explosives he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal alien Hispanic who was also struggling
to stay afloat as he crossed over because of the large backpack of drugs
that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. And being a responsible citizen, I informed both
the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and the Department of Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps."

[Declaration Day]

What's the difference between John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton?

One President got his head blown off, and the other was assassinated.

[RoadKingLarry]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The ranch
er says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"

[bedlamite]

A seal walks into a bar in St. Johns and sits down.

The bartender asks: "What'll ya have there buddy?"

The seal replies: "Anything but a Canadian Club."

[Angel Eyes]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away!

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards, arcing it right into a chimney!

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another into the driver's window of a passing car going 90 mph!

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he hires an investigator to find out who this phenomenal arm belongs to, brings the man to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!
 

[Hawkmoon]

A Swedish road-worker was hired to paint the line that goes down the center of the road. The first day he managed to paint 2 kilometers, and his boss was very pleased. The next day he only painted 200 meters, but his boss thought that he'd probably started off too hard on the first day. But on the third day he was only able to paint 20 meters. The boss called him into the office and demanded an explanation. "Well, you see it's getting so darn far to walk all the way to the paint bucket," the Swede explained.

[Declaration Day]

The other day, I was at a gas station and I held the door for a Japanese man.

He smiled and said "Sank you!"

..........I beat his ass for bringing up Pearl Harbor.

[Monkeyleg]

My brother emailed me this one, and I dutifully forwarded it to my soon-to-be ex-wife:

****
A Woman awakes during the night to find her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" She whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "It's the 30th Anniversary of the day we met".

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues "Do you remember 30 years ago when we started dating? I was 22 and you were only 17," he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my Chevy?"

"Yes, I do" she replies, lowering herself in the chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 30 years?" I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

[Angel Eyes]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
 

[Bolonium238]

Penguin is driving along when his car starts smoking, fuming, and carrying on a ruckus.  He pulls off into the nearest garage, and the mechanic tells him it will be a few hours.  The penguin waddles down the block and, feeling a blast of cool air like home, turns into a streetside Ben & Jerry's.

The soda jerk asks him what he'll have.  Penguin orders the Super Duper Baked Alaska Sundae--about 2 lbs of vanilla ice cream.  He sits down, the treat arrives at his table, and the penguin begins to enthusiastically enjoy.

Three hours later, he waddles back to the repair shop.

"Well, what was it?" he asks.

"Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic replies.

The pengin wipes his beak with his flipper, blushes, and says, "No, no, man--that's ice cream."

[Monkeyleg]

:D :D :D Great way to introduce yourself, Bolonium238!

[Nick1911]

:D :D :D Great way to introduce yourself, Bolonium238!

Agreed ~ WIN! 

[wmenorr67]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business,
when the gorgeous woman next to him started
to breast feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on,
eat it all up or ... I'll have
to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
so she said,
"Come on, honey.
Take it or I'll give it to this nice
man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man
blurted out,
"Come on, kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[Monkeyleg]

Timmy Writes a Letter to Santa Claus:

*****
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
   
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.*
Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus***
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
   
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
   
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat a** and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
   
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your
s**t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
your a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
   
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
   
Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little b*****d.
Santa

[Perd Hapley]

   Totino's pizza roll.

[bedlamite]

I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Boston, and there was concern that they may
have died from Avian Flu.
 
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem
was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
 
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2%
were killed by car impact.
 
They then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages
for truck versus car kill.
 
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
 
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending
danger.
 
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

[Fly320s]

Q: How many beans are in a can of Boston Baked beans?




















A: 239.  If there was one more it would be two-farty.

[Lee]

RYE BREAD STORY
 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said,
 "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
 So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me."

[Tallpine]

The trouble with the national debt is that we can't budge it.

[Scout26]

A group of pregnant women and their husbands attended a prenatal class.  The Instructor emphasized the importance of staying healthy during pregnancy.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you" she said.  "Walking is quite beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn't kill you to walk with her."

One man piped up, "Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while she's walking."

[grampster]

Old Fart Football


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
...
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[Frank Castle]

 

[wmenorr67]

On September 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers was riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge, so they stopped.

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George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear ‘sensitive,’ he didn't want to miss a ‘be-a-legend’ opportunity either, so he asked. "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss, followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.