« previous next »
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4

Author Topic: Joke time  (Read 14646 times)

HankB

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 16,652
Re: Joke time
« Reply #25 on: December 31, 2012, 07:57:24 AM »
THE HISTORY OF PROFILING
 
The day it all started was March 6, 1836.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

Report to moderator   Logged
Trump won in 2016. Democrats haven't been so offended since Republicans came along and freed their slaves.
Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain
Government is a broker in pillage, and every election is a sort of advance auction in stolen goods. - H.L. Mencken
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain

wmenorr67

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 12,775
Re: Joke time
« Reply #26 on: January 04, 2013, 05:54:10 PM »
4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "wat about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.
Report to moderator   Logged
There are five things, above all else, that make life worth living: a good relationship with God, a good woman, good health, good friends, and a good cigar.

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.  One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Bacon is the candy bar of meats!

Only the dead have seen the end of war!

grampster

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 9,453
Re: Joke time
« Reply #27 on: January 04, 2013, 08:21:41 PM »
^^^Ho ho ho ho ho.
Report to moderator   Logged
"Never wrestle with a pig.  You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."  G.B. Shaw

RocketMan

  • Mad Rocket Scientist
  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 13,630
  • Semper Fidelis
Re: Joke time
« Reply #28 on: January 05, 2013, 12:32:35 PM »
Just wanted to let you know - today I received my Fiscal Cliff Survival Pack from the White House.
It contained a parachute, an 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker, a 'Bush's Fault' poster, a 'Blame Boehner' poster, a 'Tax the Rich' poster, an application for unemployment, an application for food stamps, a prayer rug, a letter of assignation of debt to my grandchildren and a machine to blow smoke up my ass.  All directions were in Spanish.
Keep an eye out. Yours should arrive soon.
Report to moderator   Logged
If there really was intelligent life on other planets, we'd be sending them foreign aid.

Conservatives see George Orwell's "1984" as a cautionary tale.  Progressives view it as a "how to" manual.

My wife often says to me, "You are evil and must be destroyed." She may be right.

Liberals believe one should never let reason, logic and facts get in the way of a good emotional argument.

280plus

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 19,131
  • Ever get that sinking feeling?
Re: Joke time
« Reply #29 on: January 05, 2013, 12:44:49 PM »
^^^ Can't wait!  [barf]

Q: What do you call a platoon of lawyers parachuting in together?

A: Skeet 
Report to moderator   Logged
Avoid cliches like the plague!

seeker_two

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 12,922
  • In short, most intelligence is false.
Re: Joke time
« Reply #30 on: January 05, 2013, 06:19:47 PM »
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Report to moderator   Logged
Impressed yet befogged, they grasped at his vivid leading phrases, seeing only their surface meaning, and missing the deeper current of his thought.

lupinus

  • Southern Mod Trimutive Emeritus
  • friends
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 9,178
Re: Joke time
« Reply #31 on: January 05, 2013, 08:17:34 PM »
Two men were waiting in line next to each other at the pearly gates and struck up a conversation. After awhile, one got to the inevitable question.

"So how did you die?" the first man asked. "I froze to death," said the second.

"That's horrible! What does it feel like, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Oh kind of sucks at first. You get cold and the shakes. It hurts in your fingers and your toes. But after awhile, it's not so bad. Everything just kind of goes numb and you drift off the sleep. So how did you go?"

"Oh I had a heart attack. You see I was convinced my wife was cheating on me. So I came home early, ran into the house and up to our bedroom, and burst in only to find my wife knitting! I was still convinced he was there somewhere so I ran to the closet but he wasn't there. Then I ran up to the attic, but he wasn't there either. Then I ran to the kitchen, and the garage, but not there either. Just as I was getting to the basement I felt this pain in my chest and fell over dead."

The second man just shook his head "Wow, that's so ironic. On our last date my girlfriend had me hide from her husband in the big chest freezer in her basement."
« Last Edit: January 05, 2013, 08:21:00 PM by lupinus »
Report to moderator   Logged
Quote from: MicroBalrog on March 20, 2015, 03:39:21 AM
That is all. *expletive deleted*ck you all, eat *expletive deleted*it, and die in a fire. I have considered writing here a long parting section dedicated to each poster, but I have decided, at length, against it. *expletive deleted*ck you all and Hail Satan.

Perd Hapley

  • Superstar of the Internet
  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 61,436
  • My prepositions are on/in
Re: Joke time
« Reply #32 on: January 06, 2013, 01:34:03 AM »
Quote from: seeker_two on January 05, 2013, 06:19:47 PM
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."


:facepalm: That joke is missing the all-important comma.

Report to moderator   Logged
"Doggies are angel babies!" -- my wife

seeker_two

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 12,922
  • In short, most intelligence is false.
Re: Joke time
« Reply #33 on: January 06, 2013, 07:09:24 AM »
Quote from: fistful on January 06, 2013, 01:34:03 AM

:facepalm: That joke is missing the all-important comma.




Report to moderator   Logged
Impressed yet befogged, they grasped at his vivid leading phrases, seeing only their surface meaning, and missing the deeper current of his thought.

Perd Hapley

  • Superstar of the Internet
  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 61,436
  • My prepositions are on/in
Re: Joke time
« Reply #34 on: January 06, 2013, 10:55:07 AM »
It's a grammatical joke. Which is on you.  :P
Report to moderator   Logged
"Doggies are angel babies!" -- my wife

Jamisjockey

  • Booze-fueled paragon of pointless cruelty and wanton sadism
  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 26,580
  • Your mom sends me care packages
Re: Joke time
« Reply #35 on: January 06, 2013, 11:01:00 AM »
I don't know a lot of PG13 or less rated jokes.

But my kids have taken to telling a lot of knock knock jokes.

You want to jack with a kid? When they say "Knock, Knock", you say
"Come in!"
 >:D
Report to moderator   Logged
JD

 The price of a lottery ticket seems to be the maximum most folks are willing to risk toward the dream of becoming a one-percenter. “Robert Hollis”

Monkeyleg

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 14,589
  • Tattaglia is a pimp.
    • http://www.gunshopfinder.com
Re: Joke time
« Reply #36 on: January 06, 2013, 02:26:30 PM »
JJ, my grandfather "jacked" with me like that with knock-knock jokes. But that was back in the 1960's, and he was getting senile. ;)
Report to moderator   Logged

Scout26

  • I'm a leaf on the wind.
  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 25,997
  • I spent a week in that town one night....
Re: Joke time
« Reply #37 on: January 06, 2013, 02:30:13 PM »
Quote from: Jamisjockey on January 06, 2013, 11:01:00 AM
I don't know a lot of PG13 or less rated jokes.

But my kids have taken to telling a lot of knock knock jokes.

You want to jack with a kid? When they say "Knock, Knock", you say
"Come in!"
 >:D

Or say "Penny".
Report to moderator   Logged
Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help.


Bring me my Broadsword and a clear understanding.
Get up to the roundhouse on the cliff-top standing.
Take women and children and bed them down.
Bless with a hard heart those that stand with me.
Bless the women and children who firm our hands.
Put our backs to the north wind.
Hold fast by the river.
Sweet memories to drive us on,
for the motherland.

Stetson

  • friends
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1,094
Re: Joke time
« Reply #38 on: January 07, 2013, 11:08:16 AM »
My daughter only knows one joke.

What do you get when you cross an alligator with a chicken?

Croc-a-doodle-dooooo!

(I know there is a difference between crocs and gators but she's 4, so I laugh everytime)
Report to moderator   Logged

Chester32141

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 642
Re: Joke time
« Reply #39 on: January 07, 2013, 06:57:24 PM »

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex,
and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do. ''Does it
hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor
continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if
that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course, ' the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like
Barack Obama,  Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi come from?"





Lord knows, I tried to stop myself but I just couldn't keep from posting it ...   ;/
Report to moderator   Logged
"The best argument against democracy is a 5 minute conversation with the average voter...... "

Photos
CBs Hawg Sauce

seeker_two

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 12,922
  • In short, most intelligence is false.
Re: Joke time
« Reply #40 on: January 07, 2013, 11:17:31 PM »
For the last half-hour, I've been listening to my wife gripe & complain about a fellow 5th grade teacher with a stubborn attitude who can't follow instructions and won't listen to what she tells him....


....the irony is almost more than I can stand....  :rofl:
Report to moderator   Logged
Impressed yet befogged, they grasped at his vivid leading phrases, seeing only their surface meaning, and missing the deeper current of his thought.

41magsnub

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 7,579
  • Don't make me assume my ultimate form!
Re: Joke time
« Reply #41 on: January 13, 2013, 05:31:45 PM »



    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



    “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.




    “Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.  “On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I'll kick the *expletive deleted*it out of all of you!”





    St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”





    “Couple of minutes ago.”
Report to moderator   Logged

Frank Castle

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 675
Re: Joke time
« Reply #42 on: January 13, 2013, 05:48:32 PM »
So what’s the difference between a Liberal, a Conservative and a Southern Conservative?

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises his knife, and charges you and your family.
FYI: You’re carrying a concealed 9mm and your wife’s carrying her 38 Special. You’re both expert shots. You have only seconds before he reaches you and your family. So, what would you do?

A Liberal’s answer: “I don’t have enough information to answer that question!” For example:
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack us? Could we run away? What is my wife thinking? What psychic impact will this have on my kids? Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Do our pistols have appropriate safety features? Why am I carrying a loaded concealed weapon anyway? What kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be satisfied just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he stabs me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Is this our fault? We shouldn’t have come this way! We need to raise taxes and clean up this neighborhood! We need to make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage terrorist behavior! I need time to discuss this with some friends and try to come to a consensus of opinions! I’m confused!

A Conservative’s answer: BANG!

A Southern Conservative's answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Report to moderator   Logged

RoadKingLarry

  • friends
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 21,841
Re: Joke time
« Reply #43 on: January 14, 2013, 01:02:35 AM »
Quote from: seeker_two on January 07, 2013, 11:17:31 PM
For the last half-hour, I've been listening to my wife gripe & complain about a fellow 5th grade teacher with a stubborn attitude who can't follow instructions and won't listen to what she tells him....


....the irony is almost more than I can stand....  :rofl:


My wife's family currently has 5 generations living. My daughter and my grand daughter live with my wife's widowed mother and grand mother. It's a hoot to listen to all of them complain about the other ones.
Even my 5 year old grand daughter gets in on the action.
The fun part is that they all complain about the same annoying trait in the rest of them, how stubborn and hard headed the rest of them are.
Report to moderator   Logged
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.

Samuel Adams

Scout26

  • I'm a leaf on the wind.
  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 25,997
  • I spent a week in that town one night....
Re: Joke time
« Reply #44 on: January 19, 2013, 11:06:21 PM »
The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.

Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy; it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's David Cameron!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE!!!
Report to moderator   Logged
Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help.


Bring me my Broadsword and a clear understanding.
Get up to the roundhouse on the cliff-top standing.
Take women and children and bed them down.
Bless with a hard heart those that stand with me.
Bless the women and children who firm our hands.
Put our backs to the north wind.
Hold fast by the river.
Sweet memories to drive us on,
for the motherland.

Tallpine

  • friends
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 23,172
  • Grumpy Old Grandpa
Re: Joke time
« Reply #45 on: January 20, 2013, 10:34:02 AM »
Quote from: scout26 on January 19, 2013, 11:06:21 PM
The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

...

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE!!!

Can we ban an Admin  ???

I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread  :facepalm:
Report to moderator   Logged
Freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake. It is not easy. It is not a gift given, but a choice made, and the choice may be a hard one. The road goes upward toward the light; but the laden traveller may never reach the end of it.  - Ursula Le Guin

seeker_two

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 12,922
  • In short, most intelligence is false.
Re: Joke time
« Reply #46 on: January 20, 2013, 11:02:54 AM »
Quote from: Tallpine on January 20, 2013, 10:34:02 AM
Can we ban an Admin  ???

I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread  :facepalm:

If I ever become a mod, I'm banning all the other mods & putting MrsSmith & BSL in charge for a week.....
Report to moderator   Logged
Impressed yet befogged, they grasped at his vivid leading phrases, seeing only their surface meaning, and missing the deeper current of his thought.

Tallpine

  • friends
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 23,172
  • Grumpy Old Grandpa
Re: Joke time
« Reply #47 on: January 20, 2013, 11:26:29 AM »
Quote from: seeker_two on January 20, 2013, 11:02:54 AM
If I ever become a mod, I'm banning all the other mods & putting MrsSmith & BSL in charge for a week.....

Now that's just hilarious right there  =D

I'm glad to see the thread is back on topic.   =)


(the trouble is, that it just might work!  ;) )
Report to moderator   Logged
Freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake. It is not easy. It is not a gift given, but a choice made, and the choice may be a hard one. The road goes upward toward the light; but the laden traveller may never reach the end of it.  - Ursula Le Guin

wmenorr67

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 12,775
Re: Joke time
« Reply #48 on: January 20, 2013, 12:25:33 PM »
Quote from: Tallpine on January 20, 2013, 10:34:02 AM
Can we ban an Admin  ???

I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread  :facepalm:

I thought that was what was going on in Congress and the White House currently.
Report to moderator   Logged
There are five things, above all else, that make life worth living: a good relationship with God, a good woman, good health, good friends, and a good cigar.

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.  One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Bacon is the candy bar of meats!

Only the dead have seen the end of war!

MrsSmith

  • I do declare, someone needs an ass whoopin'
  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2,734
Re: Joke time
« Reply #49 on: January 20, 2013, 04:05:29 PM »
Quote from: seeker_two on January 20, 2013, 11:02:54 AM
If I ever become a mod, I'm banning all the other mods & putting MrsSmith & BSL in charge for a week.....

 =D

And if that goes well, from there we'll head to the White House!
Report to moderator   Logged
America is at that awkward stage; It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards. ~ Claire Wolfe
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4
« previous next »