Joke time

[Tallpine]

And if that goes well, from there we'll head to the White House!

With pitchforks? 

[MrsSmith]

No! With --  Oops. Never mind. I meant "Yes! With pitchforks!"

[wmenorr67]

No! With --  Oops. Never mind. I meant "Yes! With pitchforks!"

But with only three tines since those with four or more will have been banned as assault pitchforks.

[Tallpine]

But with only three tines since those with four or more will have been banned as assault pitchforks.

Those aren't pitchfourks, those are pitchthreeks 

[sanglant]

you mean they ain't tridents?

[Tallpine]

you mean they ain't tridents?

I still have most of my teeth   

[HankB]

Adam was all alone in the Garden of Eden, and called out to the Almighty that he was lonely.

So the Almighty took pity on him and said "Adam, I have decided to create for you a companion who shall be called Woman. She will love you, care for you, support you in all your endeavors. She shall work to make your life pleasant, keep you company, and be of unfailing good cheer. But such a rare companion will have a price. To show that you are worthy, you must give up one eye, one ear, one arm, and one leg. Do you agree to these terms?"

Adam thought long and hard, and said "Lord, that is a mighty high price. What can I get for a rib?"

[CNYCacher]

Adam was all alone in the Garden of Eden, and called out the the Almighty that he was lonely.

So the Almighty took pity on him and said "Adam, I have decided to create for you a companion who shall be called Woman. She will love you, care for you, support you in all your endeavors. She shall work to make your life pleasant, keep you company, and be of unfailing good cheer. But such a rare companion will have a price. To show that you are worthy, you must give up one eye, one ear, one arm, and one leg. Do you agree to these terms?"

Adam thought long and hard, and said "Lord, that is a mighty high price. What can I get for a rib?"

[RocketMan]

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!

• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

• Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

• In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever bee to K-MART?)

• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure...

• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

• You're never too old to learn something stupid.

• I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Terpsichore]

A doctor was working in his front yard when a traveler came down the road and stopped by his driveway.  The traveler asks, "Do you have any work I can do for a few dollars?"  The doctor says, "Sure.  Why don't you take that can of paint over there, go around back and paint the porch."  So the traveler takes the can of paint, goes around back and returns fifteen minutes later saying he was finished.  The doctor asks, "Already?"  To which the traveler replies, "Yeah, but...it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Mercedes."

[Tallpine]

Aha!

Dave Barry is a Paraprosdokian 

[Viking]

"The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The pessimist sees the darkness. The realist sees the train. The train driver sees three idiots on the tracks."

[wmenorr67]

I was in a bar on Saturday night. Had a few drinks. I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's all I remember!

[AJ Dual]

(Yes, I actually did this last week.)

I called my father on the phone.

I asked him, "Dad, what has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

He thinks for a minute, "I don't know... a bat?"

I'm glad he's playing along, "Very good! What has a huge penis and hangs up?"

[click]

[zxcvbob]

(Yes, I actually did this last week.)

I called my father on the phone.

I asked him, "Dad, what has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

He thinks for a minute, "I don't know... a bat?"

I'm glad he's playing along, "Very good! What has a huge penis and hangs up?"

[click]

  Which of you hanged up?

[AJ Dual]

Which of you hanged up?

I did.  

I told him the "Blew a Seal" one from Pg 1. a few days ago. He says he's used it twice so far.

[Tallpine]

A guy stopped at a local gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. ' One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. ' The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. ' The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. '
 
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?" '
 
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
 
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
 
' "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. ' Elmer's job's been cut . . . so now it's just me an' Leroy. 

[RoadKingLarry]

Renault's new "Clio" and Fords Taurus have teamed up and built a new hybrid calling it the "Clitaurus". They say the average male can't get in it, unless helped. Known to have periodic rearend leaks and the rear end gets larger and wider the older it gets. The better for traction and haulin heavier loads. So far it only comes in pink. (no pun intended). Ford tuff and ya can't wear'm out.....

[Tallpine]

Renault's new "Clio" and Fords Taurus have teamed up and built a new hybrid calling it the "Clitaurus". They say the average male can't get in it, unless helped. Known to have periodic rearend leaks and the rear end gets larger and wider the older it gets. The better for traction and haulin heavier loads. So far it only comes in pink. (no pun intended). Ford tuff and ya can't wear'm out.....

Sounds like a high maintenance outfit.  Probably takes a long time to get warmed up, too.

[CNYCacher]

Sounds like a high maintenance outfit.  Probably takes a long time to get warmed up, too.

I bet it's a diesel.  Takes a while to warm up, but once you get her going, not much can stop it.

[Gewehr98]

With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.

“This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache,” he says.

The wife looks at him and replies, “That’s not a pig, it’s a sheep.”

He answers, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

[wmenorr67]

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent
and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher
grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer
were touched and flattered that the old preacher would
ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given
any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

[bedlamite]

I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.
The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

[HankB]

A Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi, and a TV evangelist were having lunch together as part of a religious outreach program, when the topic of funding came up.

The priest said "After I gather up all the collections from Sunday services, I go into my study, where I have a small circle drawn on the floor. I stand in the circle, throw the money into the air, and see where it lands. The bit that lands within the circle I use for personal expenses, the rest is spent on the Lord's work."

The rabbi says "I do much the same, except rather than a circle on the floor, I've drawn a Star of David! Like you, what lands inside the star I use for my own support - a man has to eat, after all - and the rest is spent for the benefit of the community."

The priest and rabbi now look expectantly at the TV evangelist, who's sitting there shaking his head. "You're both a couple of greedy bums - it all belongs to the Almighty! So I take the collections, throw them into the air, and say 'Here's what I collected, Lord - take what you want and just throw back the rest!!' "

[Cliffh]

One dark night in the small town of Roselle Park , New Jersey , a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
 
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
 
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly, from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth , NJ .

This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
 
Outside, the other firefighters watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'