Waxing philosophical

[Felonious Monk/Fignozzle]

Whining does not become a fine gentleman/scholar, the likes of which populate this forum.

Therefore, I shall endeavor to be more circumspect as I ruminate and fall into contemplation.

Overall, life in these times is good.
Politics and the vermin who practice it professionally are still worthy of contempt.
Religion is widely available in many flavors.
Sex is still sex; delicious and fulfilling.
I can go where I want, do things I want, I work for a company which values and honors service, talent, and results; and which overall has a distaste for 'kissing up' and those who do.

My wife is a big, blonde babe who, inexplicably, is still madly in love with me.
My children all love G-d and seek to live lives which contribute to the betterment of the world and their fellow man.

I am not poor enough to have to beg,
and not rich enough to be unplugged from the reality of daily struggle.

My health, while presenting my biggest challenge, is not imminently terminal.
I can wake up, have a coffee, and go to work 5 days a week, and walk away at the end of the day and leave it all there.

Why, then, is there this deep lack of fulfillment?
Do I need a new hobby?  Should I pick up the guitar again?  Learn woodworking?  Macrame?

What does a 44 year old man do to gain greater fulfillment in life?  Should I stop contemplating my navel and have another beer?


Fig

[280plus]

As long as you've cleared it of all lint and foreign objects...

[garyk/nm]

Waxing philosophical...
electrolysis is less painful.
Have another beer, friend!

[garrettwc]

Ah the lament of the male mid-life crisis. There are numerous suggested remedies, for example:

1. Buy a Harley.
2. Buy a convertible/sports car - Corvettes and Porsche Boxsters come to mind.
3. Take up an adventure sport like sky or scuba diving.

If none of those appeal, you could try some form of mental exercise like writing, or picking a subject and researching until you are an expert on it.

Failing that, just sit in your chair and spend some time with a fine bottle of bourbon until the feeling goes away.

[Preacherman]

Figgy, I think that the "lack of fulfilment" of which you complain is endemic in our society.  Unfortunately, I think the solution to it is not very popular . . .

You see, we live in a society and culture where individualism has been elevated into a sacred cow, a "golden calf" if you will.  We're taught by everything and everyone around us that "I'm OK, you're OK", that "self-esteem" is important, that "fulfilment" is paramount.

Now, take a look just a couple of generations back.  Did the Great Depression generation feel "fulfilled" when they managed to get just enough work to put a meal on the table - with no guarantee that they'd be able to do the same tomorrow?  Did the farmers in the Dust Bowl feel "fulfilled" when they trekked hundreds or thousands of miles across the country to take menial laboring jobs, just to feed their families?

Go back further, and the same picture is reinforced.  It's only in the past two generations that this ridiculous "self-esteem generation" thing has come to dominate our thinking and culture.  It's a fraud, and a monumental one at that.

I suggest that our "lack of fulfilment" is precisely because we've come to focus inward, on ourselves, rather than outward, on others.  I'd say that with a wife who loves you (and her love is hopefully returned!), with kids who are relatively balanced and "normal", with an adequate income to support you all, you're doing pretty darn well - certainly better than well over three-quarters of the people on this planet.

If you're looking for more "fulfilment", why not try social service?  Volunteer - by all means through your church, but if they don't have suitable programs, through a faith-based organization like the Salvation Army - to help those who are worse off.  You'll find feeding, clothing and helping the needy is a pretty fulfilling thing - and will also help you to appreciate the sanity and balance in your own life and family!  Try helping out with Habitat for Humanity to help the homeless.  Try getting some counseling training and working with an organization that mans phone lines for use by those in a crisis situation who need someone to talk to.

I find that if I focus on myself, I get minimal "fulfilment".  If I focus on others, I get to help those who need it, I'm reminded of how fortunate and blessed I am, and I can do something that all too few others are willing to do.

Just my $0.02 . . .

[Antibubba]

Figgy,

   I think we all feel it, and I think it's why so many of us here (and in other places too) are preparing for some form of SHTF.  It's like the pall that comes over you as you enter a hospital, or the dog pound.  Whether or not you believe in global warming, it certainly feels like something is off kilter; in our drive towards efficiency we trim and shave more of the redundancy and safety margins of life-it's no good to be lean and mean when what you really need is a little fat to see you through the winter.

Maybe a hobby-one that lets you make music or grow veggies-will help.

And I gotta tell you, Fig, by your description of things, you've got it very, very good.  I don't have that righteous babe.  I'll never have those children (by my own choice, but sometimes I miss them anyway).  I just thing as the world's misery and stress grows, we all feel it.

[Perd Hapley]

My wife is a big,

My solution: Show your wife how you called her "big" and you will suddenly forget about "fulfillment" and once again enjoy the struggle to survive.  

The first place to go for fulfillment is G-d.  I hope you have considered whether He is the most important part of your life.  If not, give Him this place.  Vague, I know.

[Felonious Monk/Fignozzle]

Many thanks to each of you who've given me the benefit of some perspective on this.

Peter, much of my problem is my inward perspective.  If I get off my wide posterior and look for places to help others, even in my own community, this will help.

Antibubba, right again.  I DO have much to be thankful for, and have begun to take it for granted.

and Fistful, my relationship with the Big Guy has taken a turn toward estrangement in the last couple of years, it's my heart's desire to rekindle that, and am seeking out ways to bring that back to where it should be.

Sincere thanks, friends.
Ben / Monk / Fig

[Pebcac]

Preacherman, I think those two cents are worth at least a couple of bucks.  I've lately been approaching my own life with more of a focus on my wife and kids, and have noticed that I'm feeling better than at any other point in my life.  Work pays the bills.  Fulfillment is found with my family.  Maybe now it's time for me to get more involved in a local parish....

[The Rabbi]

As long as you've cleared it of all lint and foreign objects...

I've never found lint or foreign objects in my beer.  yuck.

Anyway, I am the same age as you.  My situation is much different but I found myself feeling somewhat empty or something.
My solution was to start a new business.  It definitely has given me a series (a long one too) of goals that need to be met every day, every week, every month etc.  I have always loved business and guess just missed the times I was away from it.

[Guest]

My perspective is a little different. I think that feeling is a good thing..it will drive you to do things.

I see people who just live. They work, they come home, they have a beer, they watch tv. Their biggest goal is retirement. And I cannot relate. The only thing that is going to make me retire or stop doing things is phsyical limitations. We only have so many years here and I don't want to waste any more than I already have.

Your mid-life crisis is the same thing..and urge to do, to accomplish. You have the things society tells you you should be satisfied with and you feel like its not enough. That's because its not. Get up, do something..don't focus on the emptiness, focus on the future. What have you always wanted to do? What did you want to be when you used to imagine your life? What will you regret never doing if your health fails next year?

And the biggest question: What have you done to make the world a better place than it was when you got here?

[280plus]

Silly Rabbi...

I see people who just live. They work, they come home, they have a beer, they watch tv. Their biggest goal is retirement. And I cannot relate. The only thing that is going to make me retire or stop doing things is phsyical limitations. We only have so many years here and I don't want to waste any more than I already have.

Dare I say +1?

[...has left the building.]

Ben,

It is always good when a person can step back and realize life isn't all that bad. I know what you mean about fulfillment and I've found it in trying to appreciate the beauty in relatively everyday things. You listed quite a few things that are going well for you, for example, your wife. On a Saturday, do something like going to get ice cream with her. As you're doing it, take the time to soak in the conversation, the way she looks, how good the ice cream tastes, how good the weather is. Another example could be when you're sitting there at work, take in the pleasure of turning in something that is extremely high quality or laughing with coworkers. I learned how to do this by reading the "Hagakure". Since the samurai was expecting to die at any given moment, he would notice all of the little things of beauty and pleasure each day. Noticing stuff like that will just add up and you'll find yourself being fulfilled in almost every moment of your life.

Edited to add: This outlook shouldn't be mistaken for hedonism, as we all know that helping another person or doing good works is pleasurable in a number of different ways.

And Peter = teh wisdom.

[Felonious Monk/Fignozzle]

Barbara,  well said.  I guess at the core of it all, I am seeking:  Balance.
I don't want to be sedentary and dull, and I don't want to be...driven, for lack of a more descriptive term.

Since I recently tend more toward the sedentary (at least I have for the last year or so, ever since my knee surgery),  it's probable that the LAST thing I need is more Navel-gazing.  
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." said Goethe.

And Daniel, you're onto something with the samurai concept.  Knowing that we only have "moments" to live, we should taste those moments like there is no tomorrow, for there truly may NOT be.  

As an INFJ, I tend to live way inside my head, and it's good that the big blonde is such an extrovert, because she draws me out of myself, IF and WHEN I let myself be drawn out.  Our recent relational turbulence can be blamed very squarely on my shoulders, at having sat around feeling sorry for myself and not allowing the natural balances around me to...balance me.