Post by: Guest on December 22, 2005, 08:09:06 PM
Back in my drinking days I used to go to Shakey's Pizza, get dark beer by the Pitcher and listen to Bobby J. Hayes, from Bonham TX. Bobby J., played guitar, and did various takes of great tunes. He also did Limericks. Oh boy, did he ever. Folks would join in and share their favorites. Amazing what a pitcher of beer could buy - from Limericks to that Dead Head T- shirt the blond was wearing...oops...
Now I gotta see what LawDog comes up with Limericks...
To start us off...
There was a small boy of Quebec
Who was buried in snow to his neck
When they said, "Are you friz?"
He replied, " Yes, I is
But we don't call this cold in Quebec"
-Rudyard Kipling
A man hired by John Smith and Co.
Loudly declared that hed tho.
Men that he saw
Dumping dirt near his door
The drivers, therefore, didnt do.
-Mark Twain
Post by: grampster on December 22, 2005, 08:12:53 PM
Leave me in peace, sirrah! I implore you.
Post by: Guest on December 22, 2005, 08:28:41 PM
Date: 09:06, 29th April
From: Limerick Man
The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It's not worth the reading
By persons of breeding -
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.
Date: 09:07, 29th April
From: Limerick Man
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean -
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
Post by: Preacherman on December 22, 2005, 08:52:34 PM
The limerick's an art form complex
Whose contents run chiefly to sex.
It's famous for virgins
And masculine urgin's
And vulgar erotic effects.
I know lots and lots of limericks, but so few of them are clean enough to post here...
Post by: LawDog on December 23, 2005, 06:48:18 AM
Punning limericks!
As played by the phantoms of Poole
Graveyard football can be very cruel
If one kicks a ghost
Passed the other side's post
He wins credit for scoring a ghoul
A logger on top of Mt. Hood
Saw a bigfoot quite near where he stood.
As the creature drew near,
The man trembled with fear,
As only the petrified wood.
A computer scientist called Mad Matt
Crying "Genetics is where it's all at",
Crossed a Ford veep he knew
With a mammal that flew
And produced an auto.exec.bat
LawDog
Post by: Strings on December 23, 2005, 07:11:51 AM
Post by: Strings on December 23, 2005, 07:12:54 AM
Post by: LawDog on December 23, 2005, 08:08:03 AM
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were caught, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee."
"Let us fly," said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
An airplane was tested one night
By two Chinese men seeking flight.
Wong Fei-Lu and Wong Ping,
Crashed and failed to take wing,
Proving two Wongs do not make a Wright.
An accepted and widely-used trick
Is to lay on the humor too thick
And to pun in your rhyme
But if done all the time,
You could get the short end of the schtick.
The centurions covered their ears
As the tidings from Gaul fed their fears:
The Armorican hordes
Had forsaken their swords
And were now armed with Brittany spears!
The oracle ran from the sarge
And escaped with the loot from the barge.
She's a dwarf, this sly crook,
Whom the cops overlook
What a clever small medium at large!
Two antennas went out on a date,
Then decided to wed. It was fate!
Though the guests of this pair
Thought the wedding was fair,
All agreed the reception was great!
Two men brought their knives (but no light)
To spar in Manila one night.
They both lost their lives:
It was too dark for knives.
(Two barongs they say don't make it bright.)
*snort, snort*
LawDog
Post by: grampster on December 23, 2005, 08:39:35 AM
Post by: Chuck Dye on December 23, 2005, 09:44:01 AM
A limerick writer, Magliozzi,
totaled his Nissan: a hot Z.
For whilst he did ponder a double entendre,
the drawbridge he, sadly, did not see.
Save the skeet!
Post by: Guest on December 23, 2005, 09:44:48 AM
Encore!
grampster,
I told ya to be nice to me.
Someone needs to write a limerick about grampster and Tootsie Rolls.
I nominate LawDog.
Do I hear a second?
Post by: Strings on December 23, 2005, 09:57:19 AM
Post by: Guest on December 23, 2005, 10:27:58 AM
This mean you changed your mind about meeting me when you are going to be up my way?
Preacherman and Larry Survived meeting me. They are still okay. *smirk*
Steve
Post by: grampster on December 23, 2005, 10:34:34 AM
Looks like you can acquire a boarder in the good padre. Seems he's cold and having to er, um, cough, use the bushes next to his house for a bidet.
Check his Christmas thread.
Post by: Strings on December 23, 2005, 10:35:28 AM
I'm begining to wonder if we should...
>Preacherman and Larry Survived meeting me. They are still okay. *smirk*<
You're describing Preacherman as OK? Somehow, i think our definitions of "OK" are slightly different... :neener:
Post by: Guest on December 23, 2005, 10:52:22 AM
Very Sophisticated and smart. The waitresses kept eyes on him, he is that handsome.
Me, I set my ice tea glass over on his side of the table to get a waitress to fill "his" glass.
They ask him what "he " needs and he get stuff for me
I just go get him, drive, eat, drive him back. That is my job. As far as the waitresses - I was not even there.
Grampster,
I would if I could. Preacher knows that. Seems I get to "road tick" proof mom's house and disappear before some crazy folks come into town.
I may get to do something to take me out of the whole picture, put me in harm's way as they say. Akin to some stuff I did in a former life. If not...I'm going to hide from these crazy folks...already made contingency plans.
I may be dumb - ain't stupid.
I know - get the keys to Clark's. We can go play all day...he does have an indoor range. We will babysit.
Post by: Strings on December 23, 2005, 11:37:03 AM
Something tells me that's gonna be a busy week!
Post by: Larry Ashcraft on December 23, 2005, 11:39:08 AM
Just what the hell is a "Road Tick"?
Post by: Strings on December 23, 2005, 11:43:05 AM
Something extremely crazy, from the context.
Also seems to be another term for "irritating/crazy inlaw"
Post by: grampster on December 23, 2005, 11:46:51 AM
Post by: Art Eatman on December 23, 2005, 12:07:48 PM
"There were two young gays from Kartoum,
who spent the whole night in a room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right,
to do what and with what to whom."
"There was a young lady named Ransom,
who was made love to nine times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more,
came a weak voice from the floor:
Madam, I'm Simpson, noy Samson."
"There was a young mand named Dave..." No.
, Art
Post by: matis on December 23, 2005, 12:53:57 PM
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Asked the two of the tooter
"Is it easier to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"
I wish that my room had a floor
I don't so much care for a door.
But this crawling around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore.
I know, they're not erotic.
I'll see if I cn come up with more.
matis
Post by: Guest on December 23, 2005, 01:25:21 PM
Quote
Something extremely crazy, from the context.
That be a Road Tick. Carpet Ticks are kids, they grow a bit and become Curtain Tuggers.
Wait a durn minute...Hunter you are in TX - right? You are supposed to know these things...
I was not born in TX, I am from the South...I know these things. I am an adopted TX native son tho'.
Why is it EVERYONE wants to meet Preacher and not me?
Ya'll been sinning or something?
'Fraid you'd be sinning just hanging with me?.
Now do I seem like the kind of fella that would get folks into trouble....? *smirk*
Post by: Smoke on December 23, 2005, 02:34:36 PM
Quote
Why is it EVERYONE wants to meet Preacher and not me?
Corruptive influence.Don't want to be seduced by a 28 ga.
Don't need someone to blame.
Skeered.
Afraid Smoke might tag along.
Afraid dogs and kids might abandon them.
On the "fried pie wagon"
Phobia of cast iron.
Black nylon and kydex crowd afraid to be shown up by leather gear and tenny shoes.
Smoke
Post by: Strings on December 23, 2005, 02:56:22 PM
Didn't say we didn't want to meet ya, just would be cool to meet as many from the boards as possible...
as for this: "Black nylon and kydex crowd afraid to be shown up by leather gear and tenny shoes."... I'll be in Arkansas for the National Conferance of Bikers Against Child Abuse. Doubt there will be much nylon and Kydex there. There WILL, however, be at least one kilt...
Post by: Guest on December 23, 2005, 03:29:01 PM
just as soon tote a shotgun
more handsome than a bucket
his way of having fun
spoils dogs with peppermint
children too
that'll be him
each foot sporting a tennis shoe.
early one morning
late at nights
makes no difference
That's why they made spotlights
drives a pick-em-truck
down an old farm trail
not counting on luck
in finding them quail
don't like folks that meddle
quite easy to tell
whup on one unable to away peddle
he'll be there in a sec to give BG hell
limerick he knows this is not
should be in with Poems
he stuck in wrong spot
your the one in wrong forum
Don't talk bad about sm's cast skillets
Be respectful 'bout them Fried Pie
Now add some catfish fillets
I'll give a wink of my eye.
where is this going
hell if I know
outside wind is blowing
but it aint' gonna snow
ya'll started reading
for me something to do
just finished a pizza
me just waiting on tea to brew
a big deal i am not
done told you that
but you got a good fishing spot
betcha my flyline don't go spat
sometimes sm's dreams of old days
out on a field
busting them clays
or skeeters on a windshield
boy done been told
fifty just a marker of time
don't mean he is old
just reaching second prime
never acted his age
never figure he will
to some hopefully a sage
beats getting poked by a porcupine quill
tea brewing is done
time to quit
sure had fun
writing this bit
Post by: Nathaniel Firethorn on December 23, 2005, 11:01:35 PM
There was a young lady named Blue
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
#2:
There once was a man from Verdun
#1 is the one about the Emperor Nero.
- NF
Post by: Erik Jensen on December 24, 2005, 04:44:27 PM
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
Where she promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
Post by: grampster on December 24, 2005, 05:07:50 PM
Post by: Preacherman on December 24, 2005, 06:47:55 PM
Anyway, this controversy spawned a limerick, printed in a British newspaper, that read:
There once was a man who said "God
Must find it exceedingly odd
To think that this tree
Continues to be
When there's no-one about in the quad."
(A "quad" means "quadrangle", a name often given to an open space between school or university buildings in England.)
It didn't take long for some wit to reply (in verse, of course), in the same newspaper:
"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd:
I am always about in the quad.
And that's why this tree
Will continue to be
Since observed by, yours faithfully, God."
Post by: Preacherman on December 24, 2005, 06:49:34 PM
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Complacently stroking his madam.
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that on Earth
There were only two b***s - and he had 'em!
Post by: One of Many on December 25, 2005, 09:46:09 AM
A musician there was that played Flute,
He carried a pistol - and really could shoot,
until he got drunk, and placed pistol to lip,
then his tune changed, as the trigger did trip,
and now the musician, is quite deaf and a mute.