Does your spouse "save complaints," and then unload?

[Monkeyleg]

There are people who get angry, let it all out, and then it's all over with.

And then there are people who keep it all in, and then unleash it all at once.

My wife is the latter type.

I can go for years thinking everything is fine, and suddenly--bam!--I find out I've screwed up.

Case in point: several weeks ago my wife and I were just talking. Out of the blue, she unloaded on me: all of the time I've spent out of town working for concealed carry, and then not wanting to go out for dinner or drinks when I'm home; the fact that I'm a slob (true enough) and that the interior of my car looks, as she put it, "like someone is living in there;" she even complained about my spending nearly all of my free time in the garage from 1982 to 1986 restoring a car; and much, much more.

And then there was the big one: the time in 1995 when I suggested that she lose weight. (I know what you're thinking, but I have a good excuse for that one).

I also tend to hold things in. The difference is that I rarely go off on her. Instead, a couple of times a year, my best friend and I get drunk. And I dump all my complaints about my wife on him. As I see it, he probably won't remember much of what I said, he doesn't talk to my wife often, and so I'm home free: I get to unload, but without the hard feelings of unloading on my wife.

So, how do you deal with your pent-up anger or frustrations? (Barbara, I think I have a pretty good idea what your answer may be. ).

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

And then there was the big one: the time in 1995 when I suggested that she lose weight. (I know what you're thinking, but I have a good excuse for that one).

I wanna hear this "good excuse" you think you have...

[Strings]

HTG, you ain't the only one!

 Personally, I usually just let things out. If I start brooding about stuff that upsets me, things get dangerous...

[280plus]

Nope, I pretty much know all too soon when I'm in the doggie house. I married a French woman you know...

[AJ Dual]

It could be worse. My wife does both.

Complains right away, then brings it up later too.

Tell her flat out that if she dosen't bring it up the week it happens, she loses whatever "it" is, forever.

Contrary to popular belief, you can train women.

Unfortunately, like most men, myself included, it only occurs to us that some training would have been wise only once it's way too late.

You have to lay down the law when you're dating, and engaged, when you've got all the leverage. Then there's the rough patch where once you're married, and whether it's intentional, or just instinctual on her part, you've got to ride out the rough patch when she thinks things "are going to change".

If you can do that, you're home free.

Of course, at that point most of us are love-struck dumb-bunnies and piss all our leverage away, for fear she "won't like us" boo hoo...

Sad thing is the guy with the perfect little Stepford Wife is probably also the one with "his life on track", and all the "get up and go" to make his fortune and success in life. I think you've mentioned "him" in another thread of five lately.

Yeah, BTDT I've got one of "him" (and his wife) in my circle of friends too.

p.s. If you think the "lose some weight" convo is the nuclear bomb in the marital argument arsenal, try "Your feelings are invalid!" sometime....

[Gewehr98]

That's pure suicide!

And then there was the big one: the time in 1995 when I suggested that she lose weight. (I know what you're thinking, but I have a good excuse for that one).

Ok, bad move there.  Even if she's on top and the bouncing's physically hurting you, under no circumstances does one say that to their spouse.  It's a darned good way to find your morning coffee bitter from all the arsenic she's added.  

Same goes with trying to answer, "Honey, do these pants make my a$$ look fat?".  It'll trip you up, every damned time.  For Gawd's sake, if you want a long and fulfilling life, never reply, "No, dear, the fat makes your a$$ look fat."

[AJ Dual]

Oh yeah, don't try the "Your sister is better" or "Your sister does XYZ" in bed routine, even if she dosen't have a sister at alll.

She won't think it's funny...

[Monkeyleg]

OK, for all you voyeurs out there:

Back in mid-September of 1995, I took a motorcycle trip down to North Carolina to ride "The Dragon." (Most motorcyclists will know what I'm referring to).

Anywho, my motel was in Knoxville, TN. And I wanted to get home that evening, as the next day was my wife's birthday.

It was cold, and rainy, and I don't have a windshield or fairing on my bike.

By the time I hit northern Indiana, the rain and the cold, damp winds off Lake Michigan only made things worse.

By the time I got home, there wasn't a brain cell working in my head. In all honesty, I shouldn't even have been riding, especially through Chicago.

But I made it home. And, after my wife and I talked about the trip, what she'd been up to, etc, I thought I had a great idea.

I told her that I would take on an extra job, and all she would have to do is go to the gym and work out. She wouldn't have to work at all.

And I thought I gave her good, rational reasons to do so: working out would lower her blood pressure, and losing weight would ease the strain on the joints that were beginning to bother her.

Notice I used the word "thought." I wasn't thinking. After that day's ride, I was completely incapable of even putting together a coherent sentence.

Gewehr98, I've been through the "does this outfit make me look _____" routine since that day in 1995.

Even when I want to say, "It makes you look like a bumblebee," I maintain radio silence.

AJ Dual: "Oh yeah, don't try the "Your sister is better" or "Your sister does XYZ" in bed routine, even if she dosen't have a sister at alll."

AJ, I don't even want to know where all that's coming from.

[Strings]

I guess I'm lucky: the ONLY time Spoon's come up with any kind of "fat comment", she was complaining that she needs to get herself back in shape...

[Guest]

LOL, Dick. Nah, I already made fun of you about getting in trouble for calling her fat the last time.. you get a pass this time.

Barbara, the unwilling conscience of men everywhere.

[Guest]

My best friend called me tsunami thighs today. I made fun of the fact that he has more cleavage than I do. It's all good.

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

Are you a married woman, Barbara?  Could you perhaps explain why they behave the way they do?

[Guest]

Nope, not married. No clue why anyone does anything.

[Monkeyleg]

My best friend called me tsunami thighs today.

Hmm. Does this "best friend" still have any genitalia left after that comment?

But thanks for giving me a pass on this thread. If APS is still around in the year 2026, I can almost guarantee you that I'll be posting new threads about how I'm still suffering from my 1995 faux paus.

Brain-dead as I was, my intentions were mostly honorable (with a small side dish of selfish). Her blood pressure is sky-high, ankles, knees and other weight-bearing joints are giving her problems, and her self-esteem (no matter how often I compliment her) has been going south for years. In my comatose state, I thought I was offering up something good.

AJ: "Contrary to popular belief, you can train women."

I've read that scorpions can be trained as well. Give it a try, and then report back to us.

[Guest]

Actually, I thought it was pretty funny. I've been putting on weight, which bothers me not at all, but I'm also in the past couple of months flabbing up quite a bit, which does bother me. But the comment was pretty good, so I had to give him credit.

Course if I had boobs as big as his, I wouldn't be making fun of my thighs, but what do I know?

[Guest]

I go bother Diebold.  Some more.



But they deserve it .

[Sindawe]

The ex started that dren about midway through the relationship, and continued it until the whole thing was irrevocably smashed to pieces.  Not that I was without fault mind you, we are all only human after all...  After that I'd learned to spot such behavior in other partners early on and made it a rule that such stopped right then and there or we'd part ways.  Had to carry through with such a few times.  But honestly most other partings were driven by other motives (usually baby-rabies).

"Contrary to popular belief, you can train women."

Do they teach that at the same school that offers graduate degrees in herding cats?

[Iain]

Either method carried to extreme is equally destructive. Some of my relatives exercise the storing up method, and a very good friend of mine has a family that exercise the 'right out then and there' method. Both methods can make waitresses cry.

[Guest]

I'm not sure its so much saving up as the statute of limitations on various offenses?

Cheating on your spouse? That's a life sentence.

Calling your spouse fat? Whew..I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure you can be smacked with that one for a couple years anyway.

Putting an empty icecream box back in the freezer? It depends. I'd say a day or so, unless its a repeat offense, or combined with other similar offenses, within a short time frame. Say, if you put the icecream box away Wednesday and Friday, didn't replace the toilet paper on the roll, then cumulatively, they're probably good for a week. I think its more like they save up, unless no similar offenses  have occurred in the past two weeks.

I should probably document this process. Life would be so much clearer for everyone involved.

[AJ Dual]

Putting an empty icecream box back in the freezer? It depends. I'd say a day or so, unless its a repeat offense, or combined with other similar offenses, within a short time frame. Say, if you put the icecream box away Wednesday and Friday, didn't replace the toilet paper on the roll, then cumulatively, they're probably good for a week. I think its more like they save up, unless no similar offenses  have occurred in the past two weeks.

How about an empty ice cream box in the back of the freezer, with a note inside that said. "Go to the gym!"?

Would they even find the body?

[cordex]

It's always funny when one party saves up and blows out all at once and then gets upset when their past offenses are brought up because they don't think it is fair to hold bygones against them.

The fact is that almost everyone in a long-term relationship knows how to upset the everliving hell out of the other one.  When someone feels wronged, they know exactly how to hurt the other person.  What both people need to do is suppress that immediate button-pushing in response to perceived wrongs.  Otherwise you have a situation where person A thinks person B did something bad.  Person B doesn't realize this, or doesn't consider it important.  Person A says something or does something to hurt person B to punish them for the offense plus a little because they didn't handle it as well as they should have.  Person B sees this as an unprovoked assault and self-righteously lets loose with both barrels.  After that, both parties are too invested in the fight and too angry because of how they were attacked for "no good reason" to stop and take a step back.

[lupinus]

And then there was the big one: the time in 1995 when I suggested that she lose weight. (I know what you're thinking, but I have a good excuse for that one).

Even if she takes three cheesecakes a day with a side of butter cream icing, there is no good excuse to tell her she should loose some weight.

And how did the sister thing happen?  You had the who else do you wanna sleep with starting innocently enough convo didnt you

[charby]

I'm in month three of marriage. She doesn't hold anything back and neither do I. I can't wait until we are through the rough period, we fight like cats and dogs, mostly just trying to get used to each other.

Neither one of us has been married before, she is 39 and I am 32. We both lived alone for many years and got to be pretty independent. We also didn't move in together until after the wedding. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

Most of our fights are over little things, like me leaving my shoes and socks on the floor and me getting mad at her because she owns too much stuff. I think its just growing pains.

Plus we have been bickering over me wanting to go to the boundary waters next summer with one of my buddies. She acts like she wants to go until I tell her that there are no showers, flushing toilets and everyone has to carry their own stuff in and out. She gets a little mad because I am planning a trip without her and she tries to pull the well I'll just go to Colorado and see my friends instead. Of course I just tell that would be fine and I'd probably be bored on that trip because I'd want to go hike or fly fish in the Rockies the whole time instead of sitting around the house.

We also bicker over where we walk/hike. She is a paved trail walker and throws a fit if we venture off of it. I'm a "hey I like that deer trail lets see where it goes hiker". I own two pairs of hiking shoes she owns seven. I haven't figured it out yet.

I still wouldn't trade her for anything, in time we will just stop arguing and she'll let me do my own thing, It doesn't even bother me if she does her own thing.

-Charby

[Perd Hapley]

Should be obvious to all of you that my spouse has no complaints.  


OK, she does have a few.  At that point she becomes very quiet until I ask her what's wrong.  I then simply explain that I have done nothing wrong, and that she is being unreasonable.  Then I buy her some new vacuum cleaner bags, or something, and she feels much better.  OK, I'm sorry, I'm just a big Walter Williams fan.  

[K Frame]

My ex did both.

She'd unload about something when it happened, but then she'd dredge it up years later.

In our only counseling session before we split, she pulled something out that had happened over a decade before, and at the time about which she had said nothing. Floored me.

She was toxic. I'm glad that she's gone.