Author Topic: Assassins  (Read 1202 times)

charby

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Assassins
« on: January 05, 2006, 01:37:06 PM »
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.  After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.   Kill Her. The man said, You cant be serious; I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home.

The second man was given the same instructions.  He took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I cant kill my wife.  The agent said, You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the woman's turn.  She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.  This gun is loaded with blanks, she said.  I had to beat him to death with the chair.


MORAL:   Women are evil
Don't mess with them!!!!!!!!
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Uranus is a gas giant.

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« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2006, 05:11:54 PM »
That's a great joke. Smiley

I heard this one this weekend from my little nephew.

I know someone who talks like an owl

(Who?)

Now I know two of them!

Hehehe..cracks me up.

bermbuster

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« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2006, 05:17:08 PM »
+1 on the great joke Smiley

A young person in my life asked me one time if I could yodel. I said no.  Later on he asked me if I liked knock-knock jokes.  I said I did and this is the way it went:

"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Little old lady"

"Little old lady who?"

"I thought you said you couldn't yodel"

Kids are funny Smiley

Art Eatman

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« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2006, 07:48:57 PM »
Mother Superior to group of nuns:  "I must tell you we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

Nun:  "Good!  I was getting tired of Chardonnay!"
The American Indians learned what happens when you don't control immigration.

DJJ

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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2006, 04:44:46 PM »
Then there was the group of nuns who were out riding their bikes, lost track of time, and had to take a shortcut through the middle of their Alpine town (think "The Sound of Music") to get back to the convent. One nun said to the Mother Superior, "I've never come this way before."
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"Must be the cobblestones", answered the Mother Superior.

Fly320s

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Assassins
« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2006, 05:56:30 AM »
Why do bald men cut holes in their pant's pockets?







So that they can run their fingers through their hair. Cheesy
Islamic sex dolls.  Do they blow themselves up?

grampster

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« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2006, 12:18:46 PM »
I'm not even gonna get involved in this........Ahh, Oh, well...OK

Zelda the prostitute was walking down the street in a pair of really tight pants.  Sevilla, one of her compatriots walked up and complemented her pants and asked what she had in her pockets as the pants were so tight.  Well Zelda reached in her left pocket and said "In this pocket I keep my keys".   Then she reached into her right pocket and said "In this pocket I keep my money."   Well Clyde the cutpurse over heard her comment and as she walked along he bumped into her and cut her right pocket clean out of her pants.
A little further on another hooker noticed Zelda's tight pants and asked her what she kept in her pockets.  "Well", said Zelda, reaching into her left pocket, "In this pocket I keep my keys".   Reaching into where her right pocket used to be she said, "and in this pocket I keep my...my...









Steel Wool?
"Never wrestle with a pig.  You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."  G.B. Shaw

DJJ

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« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2006, 05:27:16 PM »
I walked up to a prostitute standing on a corner and asked, "Does your mother know you're here?" She said, "No, and it's a good thing, because this is her corner." - Johhny Carson

RocketMan

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« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2006, 05:51:10 PM »
A man and his wife decide to buy a farm and raise pigs.  They start with three female pigs.
One day they decide its time to make some baby pigs, so they load their pigs into the back of a truck and drive them over to the farm of a friend.  The friend puts their pigs into his sty with some enthusiastic male pigs, and they head into the farmhouse for a cup of coffee while the pigs do what comes naturally.
Afterwards, with the pigs back in the truck, the new farmers start to leave.  Just before they leave the man asks his friend, How will I know if my pigs are pregnant?
Thats easy, says his friend.  When you get up in the morning, check your pigs. If they are playing in the mud, theyre pregnant.  If theyre playing in the dry dirt, they arent.

The next morning the farmer wakes up, gets out of bed, stretches, yawns, and scratches in the appropriate places. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he walks over to the bedroom window and looks down at his pigs in the sty. They are playing in the dry dirt.
Darn, I was going to plant the beans today, he complains. Oh, well.
He loads the pigs back into his truck and drives them over to his friends farm.  The pigs are herded into the pen while he and his friend go into the house for another cup of coffee.

Upon waking in the morning the farmer gets up, shuffles over to the window and looks down at his pigs.  Once again, they are playing in the dry dirt.
Shoot.  I guess that back forty isnt going to get plowed this morning.
With the pigs back in the truck, the farmer heads over to his friends place a third time.

Rising the next morning he looks out the window and the pigs are playing in the dry dirt once again.  And yet again, he loads his pigs into the truck and drives over to his friends farm.

This routine occurs three more times.  Each morning he arises, checks his pigs, and each morning they are playing in the dry dirt.
On the seventh morning the farmer just cant bear to look, so he asks his wife to get up and check the pigs. The whole thing is getting under his skin, and he is losing valuable time.  It just cant be that hard to get pigs pregnant, he mutters under his breath.

His wife, half asleep, shambles her way over to the window, parts the curtains, looks out, and doesnt say a word.
Oh, great, the farmer complains, theyre playing in the dry dirt again.
No, says his wife, theyre not in the dry dirt.
You mean theyre playing in the mud? he asks, hopefully.
No, they arent in the mud, she replies.
Then what the heck are they doing? asks the mystified farmer.
The wife answers, Well, two of the pigs are in the back of the truck, and one is in the front seat trying to honk the horn.
If there really was intelligent life on other planets, we'd be sending them foreign aid.

Conservatives see George Orwell's "1984" as a cautionary tale.  Progressives view it as a "how to" manual.

My wife often says to me, "You are evil and must be destroyed." She may be right.

Liberals believe one should never let reason, logic and facts get in the way of a good emotional argument.