What caliber for Santa Claus?

[Firethorn]

Mike suggested it, and it got me to thinking, 'Hey, it's a valid question!'.

I mean, he's awfully close to children, might be a pred.  In addition, he's heavily obese and wears a lot of clothing, yet remains maneuverable enough to get down chimneys.

 

[280plus]

30/30, same as reindeer... 

[K Frame]

That's better...

[Tallpine]

Why not experiment for yourself: take a bowl full of jelly, and shoot various caliber bullets into it.

[280plus]

That's friggin BRILLIANT!! 

[K Frame]

A little something I wrote a few years ago...


St. Nicks Visit to My Montana Compound

Twas the night before Christmas, and I was so pissed,
I was doing my work, and checking my list,
to see who was good, and who still sucked rocks,
Smith & Wessons still bad, Im dumping Ruger's stock.

Then out on the perimeter, there came a loud yell,
some cursing, and screaming, and the sound of sleigh bells.
Some snorting and pawing, and a red blinking light,
Some one was in the barbed wire, and hung up real tight.

I grabbed my .50, and to the embrasure did dash,
jammed an eye to the scope, and focused the glass.
I dialed him in, and drew a solid bead,
he was stuck in real good, there was no need for lead.

I had him right there, he was dead in my sights,
I knew it just then, it was going to be a good night.
For there in the wire, hung fat old St. Nick,
And some nice juicy reindeer, from which I could pick.

I grabbed the microphone, and yelled in the PA,
Hey there, fat boy, what did you bring me today?
I want a new Dillon, and some 231,
some once-fired cases, and a Beeman pellet gun!

You take that there bag, and drop it off of the sleight,
Unharness the reindeer, and you can just walk away.
Theres just no need, for you to get hurt,
But Ive told you before, this here is MY turf!

Then the veins on the forehead, popped out really far,
The next thing I knew, he had whipped out a BAR,
He pulled free of the wire, and ripped off a long burst,
Bullets were flying, and kicking up dirt.

Irwin you nut, you crazy SOB!
Im trying to bring presents, for under your tree!
I just want to drop, and then I will go,
I wont even set foot, on your precious compound, you know!

Every year we do this, its the same damn thing,
You snipe my reindeer, and try to take me on the wing!
Well Im tired of this crap, you can kiss my jolly ass!
Youre nothing but a troll, Ive never seen someone so crass!


And then with a curse, he jumped in his sleigh,
Threw some presents overboard, and got under way.
And I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
What next, Claymores? What a crappy crappy night!

[CAnnoneer]

If you were naughty, why does he keep coming back?

[K Frame]

He enjoys the give and take as much as I do.

And, often as not, I wake up the day after Christmas to find 50 pounds of reindeer poop on my roof...

[charby]

The question should be... Whats a good reindeer recipe. 

Santa Claus, shoot, shovel and shut-up.  .357 Magnum should be plenty to shoot his fat ass with when he slides into your hearth.



Then belly crawl like John Kerry out the front with your turdy-turdy and pick off the reindeer. Start from the back of the hitch and work your way to Rudolph. The Alvin York method of turkey hunting and killing Germans.

Sell the sleigh and all the toys in it on EBay. Revel in your new found wealth, spend it all on hookers and blow.

[Brad Johnson]

He he... 

CHRISTMAS PHYSICS

There are approximately 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  Santa doesn't (appear) to handle children of families who hold to faiths other than Christianity including, but not limited to, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children.  This reduces the overall workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau as of the date of this analysis. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that calculates to 91.8 million homes.  We will presume one Good child per household.  The Naughty/Nice child ratio was not validated for this analysis.

Assuming Santa travels east to west (the most logical choice), and calculating for planetary rotation and different time zones, Santa has 31 full hours in which to finish his Christmasly duties.  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.  To clarify, this means that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), this calculated to approximately .78 miles per household for a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to feed and rest the reindeer, eat, and do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours.  This means Santa's sleigh is moving at a brisk 650 miles per second - approximately 3000 times the speed of sound at sea level.  For further reference, that speed (2.34 million miles per hour in more everyday parlance) is 126.5 times faster than the orbital velocity of the Space Shuttle. For comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle ever constructed, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run approximately 15 miles per hour.  Tops.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. ssuming each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa.  This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise liner Queen Elizabeth and twice the weight of a fully laden modern supertanker.  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance, heating the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In short, it is no wonder that Rudolph's nose glows!! Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force - enough force to cause steel to flow like a viscous liquid.

Presuming that proven scientific facts are incontrovertable and that simple physics dictates the above conditions, we must conclude that, if there ever really was a Santa, he’s dead now.

[Jamisjockey]

Morons!  Its not about the caliber you use, but the actual weapons platform.

[Regolith]

.50 BMG of course, fired out of an ultra powerful semi automatic sniper assault machine gun like the Berett M82.  After all, according to the media, these firearms are well suited to bring down flying objects up to and including passenger jet airliners.   

[Strings]

Nope... this goes beyond caliber or platform. For the fat man, you need...










Bun-Bun!

http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=031019 looks like a good place to start out...

[Fly320s]

Whatever caliber you choose, it must be fired from a St. Nickled gun. 

[CAnnoneer]

If the old fart is airborne, wouldn't a Stinger be most appropriate?

"They killed Nickie! You bastards!
"Look Timmy, it is raining presents! What's the matter, Stan? You don't like presents?"
"Shuddup, Cartman, you a-hole!"

[Ben]

Replace the beer with a giant donut and use this:

[Perd Hapley]

HE BRINGS YOU FREE STUFF!  HELLO?  WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING HIM?


I guess Cannoneer and Strings get big lumps of coal, but have you people seen the prices on petrol these days?  Put the coal to good use, and leave the fat man alone.   

[Strings]

Fistful just exposed himself: he's one of them PETS people (People for the Ethical Treatment of Santa).

Do we have a rail handy to run him out on?

[RevDisk]

If the old fart is airborne, wouldn't a Stinger be most appropriate?

"They killed Nickie! You bastards!
"Look Timmy, it is raining presents! What's the matter, Stan? You don't like presents?"
"Shuddup, Cartman, you a-hole!"

I'm thinking MK 15 Phalanx Close-In Weapons System.

[Jamisjockey]

If the old fart is airborne, wouldn't a Stinger be most appropriate?

"They killed Nickie! You bastards!
"Look Timmy, it is raining presents! What's the matter, Stan? You don't like presents?"
"Shuddup, Cartman, you a-hole!"

I'm thinking MK 15 Phalanx Close-In Weapons System.

Them Reindeer have horns...don't let 'em get that close.

[Fly320s]

Why can't female reindeer pull the sleigh? 

[charby]

Fistful just exposed himself: he's one of them PETS people (People for the Ethical Treatment of Santa).

Do we have a rail handy to run him out on?

Blanket Party!!!

[Paddy]

They all fall to hardball.

[CAnnoneer]

WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING HIM?

He was coming right for us!!

[Perd Hapley]

Fistful just exposed himself. 

Hey, those charges were dropped.  I've started wearing a robe when I go out for the mail, now.