Christmas Eve with liberals (not political)

[Daniel964]

My 90 year-old mother is recently widowed, and I didn't want her to be sitting in her assisted living facility on Christmas Eve, so I suggested that my wife and I take her to my wife's family gathering.

Our brother-in-law (wife's sister's husband) is a level-headed conservative, and he's brought my sister-in-law a long way from the unthinking liberalism of her family. (I've done the same with my wife).

I didn't want the conversation to get political, but somebody started it by praising God that Obama was elected. I played along for a bit, and then said that I'd read that a lot of Obama voters were angry that he'd reversed himself on issues like troop drawdowns in Iraq. I then sat back and listened to the venom as they ticked off pretty much every issue that Obama crossed them on. One was especially peeved that Hillary will be secretary of state; I explained to him that Obama was keeping his friends close, but his enemies closer. He didn't get the Vito Corleone joke, but instead agreed with me.

After talking about God (the real one and the elected one), the talk turned to the other major tenet of liberal religion: global warming. There was talk of the melting polar ice caps and entire coastal cities being under water.

"Las Vegas had five inches of snow last week," I said flatly. "Malibu California had snow as well. This year Milwaukee has had the heaviest snowfall since 1947."

That comment got one of them really excited. "You see? You see? That's what I'm talking about!"

Many of my wife's family members are into things mystic. One has crystals hanging from her car mirror (a colorful complement to the "Free Tibet" bumper sticker on her car). She's a nice enough person, but does things I consider bizarre. For example, when I was scheduled for surgery three years ago, she gave me a small cloth bag with some smooth stones in it that were somehow supposed to help me. How, I don't know. She said there are some things in life that you simply don't question (a philosophy that seems to be shared by many liberals).

Someone got a book as a present that described personality traits based upon the time of year a person was born.

"Astrology?" I asked, but got a scornful look. "No," the gift-giver said,"this is based upon the alignment of the stars and the day a person is born."

It sounded a lot like astrology to me, so I persisted to antagonize. "My mother, Debbie's mother (my mother-in-law), and Suzie (my wife's sister) have birthdays in the same week, yet they are all as different as can be. My mother grew up during the Great Depression and has been ultra-frugal all her life; Suzie didn't suffer austerity while growing up, and sometimes spends a lot of money on things. Do you think those life experiences have more to do with their personalities than the alignment of stars?"

An Astrology True Believer spoke up. "It's more complicated than that. It has to do with the time of day a person was born, not just the alignment of the stars and the day of birth."

"OK," I said. "John (my BIL) is enormously successful with his business. I'm sure that, out of the tens of thousands of people in the ghetto in Milwaukee, there are at least some who were born at the same time and under the same alignment of stars. How do you explain the fact that they're lying around on welfare and he's working seven days a week, and that he's well-off and they're not?"

"There's exceptions," the True Believer said curtly.

"You mean there's exceptions for black people? What about poor white people? And what about Obama? He's half black and half white. Does the exception for black people explain why he said one thing during the campaign but is now doing exactly the opposite?"

The icy stares told me it was time to drop the subject, but they kept saying things that begged to be responded to.

One was all aflutter about a small park that was built last summer in her neighborhood. "It has walkways into the woods, and you can get up really close and see the birds. And the city paid for it!"

"Who is 'the city'?" I asked. "Is it a private corporation, or is your city funded by taxes?" She didn't know the answer, so I just suggested she look at her tax bill.

Not long after, the Astrology True Believer talked about her drive down from the northern part of the state in a heavy snowfall. "But I have four-wheel drive," she said. "I passed people who were just crawling along." (Yes, I know there are conservatives who drive like idiots as well, but it was the tone of superiority in her voice that got to me).

"Four wheel drive is good for getting started in snow, but brakes just like two-wheel drive vehicles," I said.

"No," she snapped. "My four wheel drive goes through anything."

At this point, my brother-in-law gave me the "okay, that's enough" look, so I just suggested to Cousin Patricia that she give the True Believer some crystals and a bag of rocks for the drive home.

This afternoon there's a family gathering at my niece's new house. Her husband is a lawyer, and she's a doctor, as well as a Wealth Redistribution True Believer. I'm not sure I can stand that much liberal nonsense in a 24-hour period. It must have something to do with the alignment of the stars.


You think if I gave her my name and address she would redistribute some of their wealth to my wife and I?

Thanks in advance for all Redistributed Wealth.

[Monkeyleg]

You think if I gave her my name and address she would redistribute some of their wealth to my wife and I?

Thanks in advance for all Redistributed Wealth.

Oh, my niece is all in favor of redistributing wealth...other people's wealth. She's been complaining a lot lately about how she has to pay exorbitant insurance fees, yet she's forced to deal with welfare cases for free.

She's very smart, but I can't believe she doesn't see that she holds two contradictory positions.

[Nematocyst]

its "y'all fellers..."

[by edit: below is a joke :D
I'm not making fun or criticizing.  ]

It's "Y'all fell'ahs".

Being from just no'th
of the Miss'ippi border
(hometown = Meomphis)
where BBQ is king,
I humbly submit
that "fellers" is pronounced "fell'ahs".

But wait: what was the question?

[Nematocyst]

Dupe.