Foxworthy on New England

[280plus]

  Guilty as charged... 

  Forget Rednecks ......here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New
  Englanders...


  If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live
  in New England.
 
  If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work
  there, you live in New England.
 
  If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New
  England.
 
  If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
  wrong number, you live in New England.
 
  If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend,
  you live in New England.
 
  If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
 
  If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in
  New England.
 
  If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
  you live in New England.
 
  If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
  without flinching, you live in New England.
 
  If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
  unlocked, you live in New England.
 
  If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you
  live in New England.
 
  If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you
  live in New England.
 
  If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
  everybody is passing you, you live in New England.
 
  If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
  snow, you live in New England.
 
  If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
  construction, you live in New England.
 
  If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New
  England.
 
  If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England.
 
  If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.
 
  If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New
  England friends & others, you live or have lived in New England

[Manedwolf]

Oh, that's SO SO SO true...all of them! 

If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.

There IS!

  If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work
  there, you live in New England.

Same with big box stores, if someone is struggling to get a box into their car, people will run up and help.

f you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.

Oh yeah. Definitely.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
  everybody is passing you, you live in New England.

And the police never get anyone for that. Everyone's in hyperdrive.

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England.

Went out to the car with a hoodie the other day, was 15 out.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
  construction, you live in New England.

There's several things that can be alongside the road, depending on the beginning of winter to spring. Inverted SUVs, then snow, then snert (snow, slush, dirt), then traffic cones.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live
  in New England.

Don't bother with those. NH has homemade ice cream stands that also sell "grindahs", lobster rolls, hot dogs and burgers. And yes, they close for the season. Long line at the windows on the last day.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
  snow, you live in New England.

Except for frost heaves! Someone visiting asked me what "frost heaves" were, having seen a warning sign. I said "It's what happens when the snowmen drink too much iced vodka."

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you
  live in New England.

Nahhh...deep-cycle Optima battery. Truck/marine sort for the car. First turn of the key at -25 windchill.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
  without flinching, you live in New England.

Only two feet?

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you
  live in New England.

Halloween is typically a bunch of puffball parkas with witch hats and scary masks.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
  you live in New England.

Auto thermostat FTW. If you don't like the weather, wait 15 minutes. 

Forgot one other typical New Englandism, though...the ability to merge into a fast-moving traffic circle without yielding, despite the squeaks of alarm from visiting passengers.

[280plus]

LOL, or the opposite, the driver hesitating at the circle and the passengers screaming, "GO!! GO!!" 

[Len Budney]

Forget Rednecks ......here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...

Golly that takes me back!

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.

I remember how shocked I was the first time I saw an ice-cream window open in winter. It was in Cortland NY, south of Syracuse, and I was 20.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.

Wife, heck! I learned how to use them when I was like 5.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.

More than one Sunday I've done 110 on I-95 to get to church on time, and had cars pull up behind me and flash their headlights for me to get out of the fast lane.

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England.

As I recollect, coat-wearing had little to do with temperature. If there was snow on the ground, I wore a coat. Otherwise, no.

If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.

The last Dunkin' Donuts within half an hour of my Pittsburgh home recently closed. I'm still in mourning. On the other hand, my childhood home just got a Dunkin' Donuts about 100 yards up the road. (It's located in the brown patch SW of the marker. When I was a kid it was a defunct business of some sort, and we rode bikes in the parking lot.)

--Len.

[Manedwolf]

There are two Dunkin's within a mile of me, and if I go to work not on the highway, I pass five others in less than fifteen miles, including one on the corner next to work. That's not counting the gas stations with Dunkin counters and a small sign below the station sign, or it's probably around 10. On one corner, two competing gas stations across the street from each other each have their own Dunkin' counters!

I just did a search. There are 48 Dunkin Donuts within ten miles of where I am right now.

They absorbed the Honeydews, the Chock-full-o-Nuts drive throughs, all of them. Now all coffee places are Dunkin Donuts.

[280plus]

All your donut shops are belong to US! 

It's true about the Dunkins, the crazy part is the drive thru's are always lined up at all of them, especially in the morning. Of course, if you walk in, the counter is empty. 

[member1313]

So many of those I can identify with.

[Regolith]

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live
  in New England.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.

These two apply to Nevada, at least the Northern part, in spades.

The one about distance in miles covers pretty much the entire western United States.

The winter ones could apply to any area that is near the Canadian Border.  And its a very, very long border. 

[stevelyn]

Sounds a little like Alaska, except for the Dunkin' Donuts.

[280plus]

We have a border with Canada? The only one I ever hear about is the one with Mexico. Wonder why that is? 

 

[wooderson]

Also applicable to Texas, strangely enough:

  If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New
  England.
 
  If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
 
  If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
  you live in New England.

  If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
  everybody is passing you, you live in New England.

[Perd Hapley]

  If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England Missouri.
 
  If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in
  New England Missouri.
 
  If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
  you live in New England Missouri.

[mtnbkr]

  If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work
  there, you live in New England.
 
  If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
 
  If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in
  New England.
 
  If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
  you live in New England.
 
  If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
  everybody is passing you, you live in New England.

Have experienced all of these in the South.   

Chris

[280plus]

OK, OK, so Foxworthy sucks. 

Is it safe to assume that these all apply to everywhere and the only one we can claim fame to is more Dunkin Donut shops per capita than the rest of the country? 

[Firethorn]

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you
  live in New England.

Nahhh...deep-cycle Optima battery. Truck/marine sort for the car. First turn of the key at -25 windchill.

What about other people's cars?  I generally end up jumping six of them each winter.

I still think it's funny when people see my jumper cables. They'd be enough to jump a semi, though you might want to let them sit for an hour to charge.  I only have a coupe.

[Manedwolf]

We have a border with Canada? The only one I ever hear about is the one with Mexico. Wonder why that is? 

 

Because the only thing I know of that gets smuggled across the Canadian border regularly is Havana Club rum?

*whistles*...

[MechAg94]

I have used the A/C and heat in the same day.  That is in Winter though. 

[280plus]

We have a border with Canada? The only one I ever hear about is the one with Mexico. Wonder why that is? 

 

Because the only thing I know of that gets smuggled across the Canadian border regularly is Havana Club rum?

*whistles*...

Oh, there's more than rum coming across that border.   

[CNYCacher]

Nahhh...deep-cycle Optima battery. Truck/marine sort for the car. First turn of the key at -25 windchill.

Since your battery is not a heat-generating organism that perceives temperature by the rate at which heat is being transferred across it's skin, it doesn't feel, nor is it affected by windchill.

[Firethorn]

Nahhh...deep-cycle Optima battery. Truck/marine sort for the car. First turn of the key at -25 windchill.

Since your battery is not a heat-generating organism that perceives temperature by the rate at which heat is being transferred across it's skin, it doesn't feel, nor is it affected by windchill.

Good point.  My factory original, non-optima battery cranks over my car at a very much real -30F.

[El Tejon]

Frickin' Dunkin' Donuts.

There's even one in Chinatown in Boston right down the road from my hotel where we stay.

They may be dirty crapholes (doesn't anyone in NE know how to use a mop?) but at least DD has good coffee.

[280plus]

What's a "mop"? 

[Manedwolf]

Frickin' Dunkin' Donuts.

There's even one in Chinatown in Boston right down the road from my hotel where we stay.

They may be dirty crapholes (doesn't anyone in NE know how to use a mop?) but at least DD has good coffee.

Ones near me are pretty clean. Chinatown in general seems to have an aversion to mops, at least, the new stores. The cleanest shops were the mom-and-pop ones in the 18th century brick rowhouses that got demolished to make room for that new bland, postmodern $$$$ condo tower here now.

BTW, go to Eldo Cake House, it's the only good bakery left there now. Awesome stuff. Best Asian bakery in Boston, though, is the Japonaise bakery in either Brookline or the kiosk in Porter Square Exchange. I ask people to bring me stuff from there, shoku pan loaves and their Azuki Cream Puff that has won awards, it's like a perfect dessert.
Also, the Pho place on one of the backstreets is better...facing some bank across the street. (If it's mostly locals and has Chinese and Vietnamese and Korean newspapers at the counter, it's better). The one facing the condo tower is for tourists.

[El Tejon]

The airport DD is a hole; the Chinatown DD is a filthhole; the DD in Forest Hills near Dr. Yang's school is a cesspool.

Have not been in any other DDs (in Massachusetts or New Hampshire [never been to NH]).  I do know that when DD recently came back to Indianapolis, they pledged to ensure that they were clean.  DDs were run out of Indy years ago as they were all crapholes.

I know I'm an uptight Midwesterner so my standards on cleanliness are probably unrealistic.

[El Tejon]

Eldo's is O.K., but I prefer the bakery with the yellow sign down by Chinatown gate for mixed nut mooncake.  Plus, they seem to understand my Cantonese more.

There's a couple of excellent Chinese bakeries near me at home, but it's always better when you travel!

Is that the Pho place by the T station?  That's one of my faves in Chinatown.  The guys like Tawain Cafe but that's because the owner knows Yang and treats us like family.  I don't mind the food but would prefer Vietnamese grub (don't tell Dr. Yang).