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Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's n ot pain that I'll
feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where
her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the frid g e.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
Q. Why is it called PMS?
A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
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Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
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Q. Why are sheep better than women?
A. Sheep don't talk.
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Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
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Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove!
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*walks in, looks around*
*walks back out, heads for the bomb shelter*
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Oh, there you *snicker* guys go *chuckle* again!
(Honestly, that stuff was funny...except for the sheep)
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Sorry... I knew I was walking the edge with that one. I'll self flagellate in the morning.
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Since it's 0645 and I'm up with my kids, yet my wife is in a warm bed....I'll play
Q How do you make a woman go blind?
A Put a windshield in front of her!
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OK, NOW I'm running for cover!!
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Q:How come women wear white when they get married?
A:So the dishwasher can match with the refrigerator. *ba-dumdum-ching*
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Q:Why are women's feet so small?
A:So they can stand closer to the sink, kitchen counters, and stove.
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AD, don't go lockin' the shelter door yet!
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Q: What simple device can reduce a woman's sex drive by 90% ?
A: A wedding ring.
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Sorry... I knew I was walking the edge with that one. I'll self flagellate in the morning.
You'll go blind doing that.
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Sorry... I knew I was walking the edge with that one. I'll self flagellate in the morning.
You'll go blind doing that.
FINALLY!! I been waiting ALL DAY for someone to jump on that!
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dude... do we need to leave you and auschip alone for awhile?
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Probably not...
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I KNEW "jump" wasn't the best choice of words.
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tic toc, tic toc, tic toc, tic toc, Barbaraaaaaa, oh Barbaraaaaaaa, tic toc tic toc.
Grampster =
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Oh sure, NOW you're an angel...
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LOL...
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tic toc, tic toc, tic toc, tic toc, Barbaraaaaaa, oh Barbaraaaaaaa, tic toc tic toc.
Grampster =
Barbara deleted herself a little while back. From the forum, I mean, not anything serious.
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Women drivers have five speeds on their stickshift:
1) slow
2) very slow
3) annoyingly slow
4) maddeningly slow
5) glacial
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CAnnoneer, I guess you've never seen my wife drive.
She floors it off the stoplight, and then stomps the pedal down on the brakes before the light at the next block.
I had to get a complete brake job--pads, rotors, etc--at 17,000 miles.
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Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Because they don't have wives.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.
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Barbara deleted herself a little while back. From the forum, I mean, not anything serious.
Aw man, I'm sorry to hear that.
These are my favorites for the day:
From Tallpine -
Q: What simple device can reduce a woman's sex drive by 90% ?
A: A wedding ring.
From DJJ
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.
Funny, but without any hating going on.
I'm still leery of 280 Plus, though.
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Yea, I'm used to that...
Not to get off track here but why on the Barbara thing?
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Y'know, I'm curious about that myself.
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http://www.armedpolitesociety.com/index.php?topic=5496.msg84042#msg84042
Actually, I posted here all the time until Fistful made every thread his own private sandbox to pee in. He's now gotten to the point where he doesn't even pretend to present a discussion..he just runs through and snipes and snivels and insults people left and right.
You have the option of not reading my posts, as well, if you find them so troubling, but I'll save you the trouble. I'll delete my account. It's not useful anymore anyway.
Which is kind of sad, considering this used to be one of my favorite places on the net, simply because of the caliber of people involved.
I've been posting a lot, and Barbara apparently couldn't take that much of me. Nonetheless, her charges about my conduct remain loopy and unsubstantiated. We used to get along well enough.
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Dang
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I am sorry she is gone. She always seemed on the level. And fistful, sometimes you do goof around too much - I am not too bothered by it, but I can see how some might.
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I know that, cannon. I actually don't as much as I used to. I miss Barbara, too.
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Somehow I always miss this stuff.
fistful, flagellate thyself!
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Fistful, I really miss Barbara here, too.
Any chance you could promise to restrain your posts a bit on threads where she's involved? At least a little bit?
I'm sure someone here would be willing to talk to Barbara. I'd certainly be willing to.
This has turned into a "men's only" club, which certainly skews the perspectives.
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Monkeyleg,
Hasn't this always been a "men's only" club? I'd like to see more women here, but gun boards are just pretty heavy on the male side. I'll wager other political boards are, too, and we talk a lot of that, here. I reject the notion that the problem is me, and not Barbara, but I am willing to compromise if she wants to come back. If you look up Barbara's complaints about my posts, it didn't seem she was very willing to reason about me. I have to admit I've been posting a lot more in the past year, so she may have been right to complain about that. But she was accusing me of things I just hadn't done or wasn't doing any more than the rest of you. If she did come back on, I'd certainly avoid addressing her with anything other than a +1, and I'd probably be less likely to get involved in a thread in which she was very active. I'm hoping to change jobs in a few weeks, which I hope will reduce my time on-line. I'll let you all know when that happens, and she might want to come back then.
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I definitely would like to see Barbara come back.
I thought yesterday about starting a thread to see if anyone else besides me missed having Barbara here posting, but wasn't sure of the decorum of doing so. I guess I don't need to anymore.
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Hasn't this always been a "men's only" club?
Not really. I vaguely recall posting something for the ladies and women were coming out of the woodwork. Now there seems to be only me & dust bunnies in the female section.
Q: Why have all the women gone?
A:
OK, now let's get back to the jokes...and flagellation.
Hey, I just noticed I'm no longer a New Member. Woo-hoo!
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Fistful, at the outset, I don't think APS was a "men's only club."
Barbara held her own, was feisty as ever, and certainly cut me off at the knees when I was wrong. IIRC, she did the same to you.
I'd like to see her back here. There's just been a lot of T&A topics that I think would turn a woman off.
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What T&A topics? Geez do I miss EVERYTHING around here?
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I think we can agree that most things are the fault of Pres. Bush or fistful, I don't think we can blame Barbara leaving on fistful. She's obviously oversensitive, kind of like another former poster (one that thinks we're all racist).
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Wait, who thought we were racists?
Monkeyleg, Barbara can hold her own anywhere she chooses to. But the female presence here has always been very limited.
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Q. How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, I can do it myself, when I get around to it.
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Wait, who thought we were racists?
Go back to the Rosie "The Unfunny Cow" O'Donnell ching chong thread. I'm not sure he actually said it but it was certainly implied.
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Oh. How soon we forget.
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Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
(Best advice i have read all month ^)
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Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
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Here is a tip I learned the other night...
If your pregnant wife says:
"I need a crane to get out of bed"
If you respond: "beep beep beep" -
make sure you are out of arms reach otherwise you will get pinched/hit something. (She laughed...then realized she should be offended and pinched then laughed some more.)
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The racism-accuser was a 47-year-old lady from the midwest and she dwelt on THR L&P some time ago. Her view was we were all kluxers that have replaced the bedsheets with a suit and tie, and our clubs with good grammar, or some such rubbish. I do not remember her exact handle (an adjective or a past participle), but she joined right about the time "telomerase" did.
fistful, if Barbara plainly stated you chased her out, then most likely that's what happened. Repent and self-flagellate!
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The racism-accuser was a 47-year-old lady from the midwest and she dwelt on THR L&P some time ago. Her view was we were all kluxers that have replaced the bedsheets with a suit and tie, and our clubs with good grammar, or some such rubbish. I do not remember her exact handle (an adjective or a past participle), but she joined right about the time "telomerase" did.
Hmm. I was thinking of someone named Daniel Flory (that was the screen name). What thread are you talking about?
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Hmm. I was thinking of someone named Daniel Flory (that was the screen name). What thread are you talking about?
What he said.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.