Years back, I clipped a Bizarro cartoon from the newspaper. I still have it stuck to my wall right now. It shows a guy in a suit sitting in a prison cell, opening a box. The tagline says, "who knew you could win a Clio for murdering the client?"
I should have won one of those Clio's today.
So, some more random thoughts, this time related to photograhy:
1. If you don't buy photography services on a regular basis, don't shop for the lowest price. And also, please, don't call with ridiculous requests.
What's ridiculous? Well, a few years ago I had a guy call me straight from the Yellow Pages. He had some kind of company, wanted to do a brochure, and wanted to have a photo of him on the cover surrounded by piles of money, and a greenish-glow on his face.
Him: "How much?"
Me: "Well, we have some issues here to consider. I've shot stacks of real money before. $10,000 in dollar bills doesn't really stack that high. How high do you want to go?"
Him: "Oh, like up to my shoulders."
Me: "Well, then, I'd suggest that you get the bills, and hire an armored car company on your own. It would save you money."
Him: "So, how much?"
Me: "With everything you've described, I'd say about $3000 for the shot."
Him: "That much? I only have $300 to spend."
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do the job for that amount."
Him: "Well, can I do it myself?"
Me: "Yes. You can rent some photography equipment from a local rental place."
Him: "How much would that cost me?"
Me: "Probably about $400 for everything you'd need."
Him: "Couldn't I, like, hold a green Christmas tree bulb in front of my face to light it all?"
Me: "Sure. But the bulb isn't very bright, so you'll need to stand absolutely motionless for at least a day or two."
2. If you're not experienced in photography or graphic design, please don't tell me my business. I've spent the last 30 years doing what I do best. You may think you have an original idea, but you do not. So please give me at least a bit of credit for knowing how to photograph your "original idea."
If your "original idea" is indeed original, it's probably because it either can't be done, or can't be done on your $200 budget.
Which brings me to point #3.
3. My bosses are idiots. They have no prior experience in the photography market. They believe every client has the potential to become a big-money client.
Yeah, and I'm Donald Trump.
Please don't tell my bosses that you're going to give them thousands of dollars of work if this $200 shot goes well. I've been around the block many times, and for many years. I know that pitch. As a famous and veteran photographer--Al Satterwhite--once put it, when asked about the deals on first shoots: "I'll give you a deal on our second photo shoot if you pay full rate on the first."
4. If you have a $200 shot, please don't abuse the photographers and retouchers by demanding all sorts of variations. If you think I'm being "high and mighty," consider that most plumbing companies bill their guys out at $250 an hour, which is not unreasonable. What's unreasonable is that you ask experienced photographers and Photoshop artists to spend days changing the lighting and everything else on your shot, because you had no idea what you wanted in the first place. And that brings me to item #5.
5. If you're so inexperienced that you don't know from the outset what you want, perhaps you should consider another career. Washing cars, for example. If nothing else, at least you get to dance on the job. "Talkin' 'bout the car wash. Talkin' 'bout the car wash, girl."
6. If you--and, by "you," I mean the ditzy, inexperienced, pain in the ass client I had to do a re-shoot today for---ignore the five points above, then I can't help you. All I can do is take your stupid little product and beat you with it so hard that you'll be in a coma.
Ah, well. Another day, another dollar.
