Author Topic: Joke of the day... (Read 2203 times)

280plus · « **on:** January 26, 2007, 03:52:53 AM »

Five people are on a plane that is about to crash, but there are only four parachutes. The first person stands up and says, "I am Ronaldo and I am the greatest soccer player in the world and therfore I must not die", grabs the first chute and jumps out the door. The second person gets up and says, I am Hillary Clinton and My husband was the President of the United States, I am a US Senator and have a good chance of being the next President, therefore I must not die", grabs the second chute and jumps out the door. The third person stands up and says, "I am George W. Bush and I am the President of the United States. I have many important resposibilities and I am also the smartest president to ever sit in the oval office. Therefore I cannot shirk my duty to the American people by dying", grabs the third chute and jumps out the door. Now there is only the Pope and a schoolboy left on the plane. The Pope says, "Young man, I am old and my life is nearly over, you on the other hand have many years ahead of you. You take the parachute and save yourself." The schoolboy says, "Don't worry Pope, we'll both be saved. The smartest President to ever sit in the oval office just grabbed my bookbag." cheesy

280plus · « **Reply #1 on:** January 26, 2007, 04:30:02 AM »

Never raise your hands to your kids. It
leaves your groin unprotected.
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is
no pain, no pain.
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm desperately trying to figure out why
Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
~~~~~~~~~~
Do illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?
~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I
should have been more specific.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ever notice when driving that anyone going
slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going
faster is a maniac?
~~~~~~~~~~
I have six locks on my door, all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one. I
figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking
three of them.
~~~~~~~~~~
One out of every three Americans is
suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of two of your best friends.
If they are OK, then it must be you.
~~~~~~~~~~
They show you how detergents take out
bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with
bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't
your biggest problem.
~~~~~~~~~~
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed
at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know
a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I
didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too".
~~~~~~~~~~
Future historians will be able to study at
the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford
Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill
Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Perd Hapley · « **Reply #2 on:** January 26, 2007, 05:00:24 AM »

Snopes deals with that silly picture.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/bush/bush.asp#binoculr

A later picture shows the lens caps removed. Unless the first picture was photo-shopped, he put the binocs to his eyes before he realized the caps were on. Big deal.

280plus · « **Reply #3 on:** January 26, 2007, 05:20:37 AM »

yea yea yea, but it's still funny... cheesy

Perd Hapley · « **Reply #4 on:** January 26, 2007, 05:43:47 AM »

Fine, 280, if you want to keep telling the "joke that stupid people make."*

* Christopher Hitchins

280plus · « **Reply #5 on:** January 26, 2007, 06:06:01 AM »

Huh?

280plus · « **Reply #6 on:** January 26, 2007, 06:11:32 AM »

here's equal time for the other side... I am a bipartisan joker by GOD! cheesy

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and
they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he
will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He
works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary
Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in
front of the other kids." --

and...

Perd Hapley · « **Reply #7 on:** January 26, 2007, 06:24:17 AM »

I believe it was Hitchins who stated that "Bush is a moron" is the joke that stupid people make. In other words, most people making fun of Bush's intelligence have far less going on upstairs than the President.

I know you're no flaming leftist, but it's sad to see such a picture forwarded as proof of Bush's failings. He's got enough real failings as it is.

280plus · « **Reply #8 on:** January 26, 2007, 06:33:26 AM »

Aw, I wasn't trying to prove anything, I just thought it was funny. I knew doggone well he must have dicovered the caps were on right away. He's lucky, I can't tell you how many shots I've blown with that leica because I didn't pull the lense cap off. laugh

Imagine the chagrin of the general who handed him the binoculars withe the caps still on. So much for the carreer... grin

wingnutx · « **Reply #9 on:** January 26, 2007, 07:22:46 AM »

Bush and Clinton both got stung by the lense-caps in Korea.

InfidelSerf · « **Reply #10 on:** January 26, 2007, 07:38:22 AM »

280 plus this is for you...

source

280plus · « **Reply #11 on:** January 26, 2007, 09:03:09 AM »

Gee, thanks! grin

Now let's see who else I can PO... cheesy

Devonai · « **Reply #12 on:** January 26, 2007, 10:31:41 AM »

Aren't all of the one-liners George Carlin's?

Quote

I'm desperately trying to figure out why
Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If your mission is to smash into an American ship, it would suck to have your head perforated by a piece of shrapnel before you got there.

Perd Hapley · « **Reply #13 on:** January 26, 2007, 11:00:51 AM »

Carlin? You're perpetrating George Carlin on the unsuspecting? Now I AM mad.

280plus · « **Reply #14 on:** January 26, 2007, 11:40:01 AM »

Oh, like I knew it was GC... rolleyes

Monkeyleg · « **Reply #15 on:** January 26, 2007, 01:49:45 PM »

280plus, I've heard the joke in your first post many times, but with different people as the subjects of the humor.

Your second post, however, I've never heard. Thank you. Cheesy

280plus · « **Reply #16 on:** January 26, 2007, 01:59:31 PM »

YW !

LAughter was my goal, nice to know I achieved it. grin

InfidelSerf · « **Reply #17 on:** January 26, 2007, 03:10:44 PM »

ha ha.. you didn't upset me in the least.. I just thought your sig should be fair and ballanced :p

InfidelSerf · « **Reply #18 on:** January 26, 2007, 03:13:12 PM »

and to get things back ontopic...

A Libertarian and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless man. The Libertarian gave the homeless man his business card and told him to come by his business for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the man.

The Democrat was very impressed and when they came to another homeless man, he decided to help. He walked over and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Libertarian's pocket and took out $50. He kept $45 for administrative fees and gave the homeless man $5.

Then a Republican who saw everything took $100 from both the Democrat and Libertarian, then locked up the homeless man in a jail that his company built.

Bogie · « **Reply #19 on:** January 26, 2007, 09:15:48 PM »

Oh, joy...

Y'all are going to just LOVE things after the AWB of 2009... Do you think you'll actually even get to keep your Red Ryders?

And as for Bush's intelligence... I'd rather have him in office than someone who flunked outta law school and divinity school...

Gewehr98 · « **Reply #20 on:** January 26, 2007, 11:02:05 PM »

My ex-Marine wife (is there such a thing as an ex-Marine?) talking about me and my ancient Shovelhead beast:

Her - "Do you know what the difference is between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?"

Me - "No, dear, what's the difference?"

Her - "The position of the dirtbag."

Me - "Thank you, Wife #2!"

Vodka7 · « **Reply #21 on:** January 27, 2007, 01:07:08 AM »

Guys, honestly. I realize things are starting to ramp up for the presidential election. I realize even the idea that there may be the remotest of possibilities that you might hear the words "President Hillary Clinton" raises your blood pressure to deadly levels.

But, can we *PLEASE* leave the politics out of threads where it doesn't belong? Please?

News:

Author Topic: Joke of the day... (Read 2203 times)