I feel like crap...a long catharsis and search for wisdom

[Norton]

I need to vent.....and looking to some advice from "been there done that" folks.....

I'm 38 y.o., master's degree, a wife that is far better to me than I deserve, a decent house, a little money in the bank, some property we're paying on, etc, etc.  By all accounts life should be good.

Trouble is....I just feel like crap.  No other way to describe it.....physically and emotionally I feel like crap.

My back hurts constantly regardless of what I do, I don't sleep, knees are going, hips and achilles tendons ache.  That pretty much covers the physical side.

I can see where being more atttentive to my work out routine could cure some of that but I'm more concerned about the emotional crappiness that seems to be insinuating its way into my life.

A lot of the emotional thing is a direct result of my work life.  I'm 17 years into a teaching career...taught college for a couple of years in addition to my main gig as a HS teacher, had big time award winning music groups, been a guest conductor and clinician, first call performer on my instrument......without hesitation I would tell you that I was (notice past context) as good as they come.  I was the guy that could fix the tough programs....I could turn a band into chicken salad from chicken s%$# in no time flat.

After grad school I followed my soon to be wife to her new duty station at one of Uncle Sam's premier musical groups.  Not at all what I really wanted since it involved being back north of the Potomac river and I knew from growing up there that it was not where I >really< wanted to live.  But, given the wife's hard work at earning the job, it was the right thing to do.  I had wanted a college gig full time, but ended up taking a HS gig that held a lot of promise.

This is where things all went wrong.  Suffice it to say that I was sold a bill of goods and that what I was promised wasn't delivered.

Through a big lack of leadership within the school and department, I've had my performing groups taken from me and given a classroom position (which isn't too bad since I have basically no afterschool responsibilities), my gigs have dried up, going to school everyday is a chore.  The thing that I trained my whole life for is no longer a part of my life....but hey times change and people adapt or perish.

I have nothing in common with my colleagues (imagine a shooter who doesn't relate to his sheeple teacher cohorts) and receive little positive interaction with adults during the day.

The easy out would be to move to another school division.  This is where the conflict in my mind has arisen.

I make good money for working 190 days a year....around $62k...I'm not one of those teachers that complains about pay.  If I go to another school system they will only pay for 7-9 years as opposed to step 16 where I am.  This is around a $15-20k pay reduction.......a significant amount.

Trouble is...it's not just about the money.  We could battten down the hatches and make out OK.  I'm more concerned that it's not *just* my curent situation.  Maybe I'm done with teaching.  Maybe I'm done with music.  For the first time, I had a serious conversation with the wife about selling my horns (around 15k tied up in these).

I don't want to go to another school just to find out that it's not *just* the current deal I'm bothered by.  Maybe I'm done with the paperwork, the rude kids and parents, the lack of respect.  If this is true, I go to another job and have to confront the inevitable end of my teaching and music career.

I can see myself becoming less connected to the profession day by day.....but am also looking at the big picture of what I need to do to retire comfortably, have the money and time (2 months vacaction is nothing to sneeze at) to do the things I want to do.

**Crux of the post**:   A lot of folks have worked jobs that they didn't care for to provide for their families.  You suck it up and get up and go to work and do the job they pay you for.  You come home, kiss your S.O. and enjoy doing the things away from work that make you happy.  You shoot, fish, garden....whatever it is that floats your boat.  BUT.....when is it time to call it quits?  Cut your losses?

I'm interested to hear from some folks you have walked away from longtime careers and made the switch to a more user friendly lifestyle.

OK....do with this what you will, but I feel better now.  Thanks for listening.

[Waitone]

I can sympathize.  I got seriously bored about 5 years ago.  Life intervened and threw challenge after disaster after tragedy after mess after challenge after chaos.  Knowo what?  In spite of the unmitigated chaos of my personal life, I find life a whole lot more interesting.  Each day is a challenge unto itself.

I've walked off from a very successful career doing very well at what I thought I'd like to do.  Now I'm in the fight of my life to start my own business.  Constant hustle, uncertainty, and risk.  Despite all that is not going right I would not change it for anything.  Now I really understand the personal importance of working for myself and not someone else.  I know what it means to pocket all the fruits of my success and not share with someone else.  I also know what it means to eat cold failure.  I know what it means to labor without rest doing something that is not yet paying off but knowing with absolute certainty it will in the future.

Boredom is the precursor to change.  Do some navel watching and make a list of what you really like to do, not what you are paid to do.  They cast about figuring a way to combine what you really like to do with a way of getting paid for it.  In my case I enjoyed the hunt of the sale and absolute detested office politics.  Now I get to hunt all i want and no politics.  I want to do something different?  Fine I just do it.

About the mid 30's is when boredom sets in.  You can make changes and still have a full life.  Retirement?  Can't see myself doing it.  What I'm working for now is to set up a business that will be to work until I fall over.  The idea of doing nothing and no goals or objective is just not appealing.  I am goal oriented and after 25+ years in the workforce I figured out why I hate paperwork.  Paperwork is process oriented; I' am goal oriented.

Physical problems lead to head problems.  I was grossly out of shape with a long list of aches, pains, swellings, and hurts.  After coming within a whisker of dying all that is now changed.  I walk 2 to 4 miles a day and if I don't I feel like crap within 24 hours.  All those pains, etc?  Gone.  

Now's the time to evaluate your position in life.  Don't be afraid to make changes.  With luck you can initiate it and control its pace to some extent.

[Norton]

I am goal oriented and after 25+ years in the workforce I figured out why I hate paperwork.  Paperwork is process oriented; I' am goal oriented.

Now's the time to evaluate your position in life.  Don't be afraid to make changes.  With luck you can initiate it and control its pace to some extent.

Wow...you're summarizing one of my big beefs in two sentences.  Our school has become too process oriented.....it's more important to take attendance on the right piece of paper (Kind of like those TSP report memos from "Office Space") than it is for the kids to actually learn something.

I agree that now is the time to decide.  I've probably got 40-45 years left on this earth and I need to figure out how I want to do that.

Any openings for Supreme Ruler?  ;-)

[mhdishere]

Norton,
It's my experience that people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.  In my case (I won't go into details since I'm posting from work) there are better places for me to work, however I make good money, I rarely work overtime, and I seldom get something that has to be done immediately if not sooner.  Look at the bright side.

I only jumped jobs once on an impulse.  I left a job where I was fairly happy (but getting shafted money-wise) and spent 13 months in Hell, working for jerks, trying to meet impossible deadlines.  It was a consulting gig, we got paid overtime (straight time) but the consulting company billed time-and-a-half for overtime, so they kept us intentionally understaffed so we'd work insane overtime.  My manager bragged about working 96 hours in one week.  You do the math.

Which is a drawn-out way of saying that if you only look at what's wrong you're sure to be miserable.  If you do decide to look elsewhere make sure you don't jump from the frying pan into the fire.

[richyoung]

I don't know how open you would be to this idea, but the "Pathways" program, as started By Dr. Phil McGraw, helps with exactly these issues.  It's not cheap, and its only in Dallas, but if you think you might be interested, I'll get some info to you.  It changed my life, and that of my SO as well - worth EVERY PENNY!

Rich

[Sindawe]

Sounds like burn out to me Norton, which is a place a fair number of us have been at one time or another.  I suffered it in the late '90s working in biopharmacueticals, with the same symptoms you described above.  I bailed for a completely unrelated, but interesting to me career path (IT) when shooting the place up started to look like a viable option.  I took a healthy cut in pay, but since I'm single that did not really hurt all that much.  The current path is much more user friendly, since I no longer deal with dangerous chemicals or hard physical labor in uncomfortable conditions.

Any openings for Supreme Ruler?

Take a number dude.

[USP45usp]

I'm in the same boat.  Got a great job, benefits, inside, computer, internet access (I'm also the IT guy for the shop), etc.., etc.., etc.. yet I'm not happy.  Be sure to nip this in the bud somehow before you get like me.  

I am a bonified alcoholic (not dependent (yet), just drinks too much) who has allowed the alcohol and anger to start interfering with life, real and cyber.  I've been so for the last 3+ years and I've only gotten being banned from three boards and more burnout to show for it.

Sit back and look at what you want in life and do it before you get sucked into the alcohol (or worse) trap that will lead to nothing positive, only negative.

Wayne

[Big_R]

If you haven't already done so, start by seeing a medical doctor.  You describe a lot of physical and emotional symptoms.  They can help with both.

I made a career jump about 6 years ago.  I had worked for about 9 years in a high tech industry and got tired of trying to keep the place running without being able to buy parts.  Duct tape and chewing gum only work so long.  I'm still in the same line of work, but in an entirely different industry, one that makes money.  That change was enough to keep me on my career path.

Looks like you've made a huge investment in your career.  There are other places that need people like you.  Most companies have internal training groups, and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find qualified people.  If you like teaching, there are options outside of education.  Just something to chew on.

Ryan

[Seymour Skinner]

I am a bonified alcoholic (not dependent (yet), just drinks too much) who has allowed the alcohol and anger to start interfering with life, real and cyber.  I've been so for the last 3+ years and I've only gotten being banned from three boards and more burnout to show for it.

Wayne,
1. You've noticed the progression in the alcoholism
2. You've noticed the affect alcohol use is having on your life (it's having consequences)
3. You mention your alcoholism twice in a short post.

Disgust is the only motivator that actually works to get people to get treatment.  On a disgust scale of "1" being "I have no problem," and "10" being "I'm driving to a program right now," where would you say you are?

Norton wrote:

My back hurts constantly regardless of what I do...

What do you take for it?

Trouble is....I just feel like crap.  No other way to describe it.....physically and emotionally I feel like crap.

Shoot more, buy more guns.  You have the money to get some guns before they're banned that the rest of us can only dream of (if you don't have a 50 BMG, how 'bout one in semi auto?).  The best way to be happy is to fight on the correct side of a war for the correct cause.  The unorganized militia needs more honest FFLs really bad.  I would keep the good paying job and use that money to say, GET YOUR FFL and offer $5 transfers and/or open a gun store that actually helps people exercise their 2nd amendment rights.

I think you've already figured out that money doesn't equal happiness, but sacrifice and using that money for a good cause ALWAYS brings lasting happiness.

[Brad Johnson]

My back hurts constantly regardless of what I do, I don't sleep, knees are going, hips and achilles tendons ache.  That pretty much covers the physical side.

This concerns me, a lot. This alone can, and will, cause you to lose focus, lose interest, and generally have your zest for life fade away. Especially the lack of sleep part. Constant back, hip, and knee pain could be the sign of an undiagnosed illness like Lyme disease or some other common malady which, thankully, are usually treatable. At the very least have a checkup and let your doc know about the aches and pains that just don't go away.

I have a suspicion that just getting some good rest will help you out tremendously. Not sleeping well will cause all sorts of problems - physical, mental, and spiritual. Trust me, I know all too well.

Brad

[Felonious Monk/Fignozzle]

Norton--
"Trouble is...it's not just about the money.  We could battten down the hatches and make out OK."
That is a HUGE blessing.  You need to recognize it as such.  That takes ALL the pressure off.

Is there a one-time Sabbatical program in your District?  Take it for a year or whatever its limitations are.
Can you take a leave of absence?  Do it and explore some other things.
Seek out a way you can try something (over the summer?) without bagging the whole gig.

You're a musician.  What do you REALLY like about that? Composing? Arranging? Teaching? Performing? How can you focus on what you like without dealing with the attendant baggage?

I see two options:
1) work a fairly mundane job, and pursue life's passions outside the workplace.
2) Find something you can feel fulfilled at doing for work.

"Now's the time to evaluate your position in life.  Don't be afraid to make changes.  With luck you can initiate it and control its pace to some extent."
^^^^^^
Well said.

[Norton]

Which is a drawn-out way of saying that if you only look at what's wrong you're sure to be miserable.  If you do decide to look elsewhere make sure you don't jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Touche'.....I do try to look at the postive side of things as they come.  I love my recording class kids.....lots of motivation, lots of smarts.  If they tried to take that class away from me I'd have to be out of here tomorrow.  I love the freedom that my lesser responsibilities brings.....more time to shoot, work on the house.

You are right once again about frying pans and fires.....TPTB were encouraging me to transfer to another school in the county to do another rebuild of a program.  I didn't want to do it because it entailed doing string orchestra......which Norton doesn't do.  It would have been a great opportunity aside from that and would have kept my salary constant.....but the additional burden of doing strings would have been too much.

[Norton]

I don't know how open you would be to this idea, but the "Pathways" program, as started By Dr. Phil McGraw, helps with exactly these issues.  It's not cheap, and its only in Dallas, but if you think you might be interested, I'll get some info to you.  It changed my life, and that of my SO as well - worth EVERY PENNY!

Rich

Rich,

Thanks for the tip....I checked out the website and sent off for the materials.  Seems like a good program....maybe I just need some "me time" to reflect and analyze.

[Norton]

I'm in the same boat.  Got a great job, benefits, inside, computer, internet access (I'm also the IT guy for the shop), etc.., etc.., etc.. yet I'm not happy.  Be sure to nip this in the bud somehow before you get like me.  

I am a bonified alcoholic (not dependent (yet), just drinks too much) who has allowed the alcohol and anger to start interfering with life, real and cyber.  I've been so for the last 3+ years and I've only gotten being banned from three boards and more burnout to show for it.

Sit back and look at what you want in life and do it before you get sucked into the alcohol (or worse) trap that will lead to nothing positive, only negative.

Wayne

Wayne,

 I feel you, brother.  I know that alcoholism runs in my family in a weird sort of low intensity way (ie, just drink a lot...as in a LOT), but somehow I've managed to be nothing more than a 3-4 drink per week sort of guy.  I know that in the rare periods where I was drinking a lot it made me a lot meaner than I liked being so I've managed to condition myself to moderate my intake.

You're right about examining life goals....which is what I'm trying to evaluate right now.  

Thanks for the candor....I hope that you're able to get to a place where you're able to turn things around.

Best,

Paul

[Norton]

If you haven't already done so, start by seeing a medical doctor.  You describe a lot of physical and emotional symptoms.  They can help with both.

---snip----

Looks like you've made a huge investment in your career.  There are other places that need people like you.  Most companies have internal training groups, and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find qualified people.  If you like teaching, there are options outside of education.  Just something to chew on.

Ryan

Way ahead of you there, my friend....I've been poked, prodded, probed, photographed, queried and otherwise examined.  I had an episode a couple of years ago during an epic period of stress where I had to go to the hospital because I thought I was dying....I mean really dying.  Just a stress related thing....no measurable physiological cause.

went back a couple of weeks ago....cholesterol good, blood pressure good.

I'm keeping my eyes open for other opportunities....and likewise trying to be patient so that I don't make a rash jump "from the frying pan into the fire" as someone else pointed out above.  Maybe private sector wouldn't be a bad thing to try out....I've been in school since 1972 (kindergarten) so maybe it's time for something different.

[Norton]

Masterpiece,

I've got my trusty bottle of Aleve with me I try to make a conscientious effort to stretch and do core body exercises everyday.  Going to a massage therapist about once a month as funds permit and have come to the conclusion that a new mattress is in order.

You hit the nail on the head about shooting more.  I'm trying to make sure I get out to the pistol range at least once a week and then mixing in an additional session of trap or rifle shooting once a week.

I do find a great deal of satisfaction from standing up for our cause and have even considered a run for public office on the local level....it may yet happen.  Another thing that has piqued my interest is to get more involved with either the recording industry more (I teach that) or to try to apprentice with a gunsmith.  

I feel the need to create something, repair something......something that I can touch, see, etc.  I also like sales, so maybe the FFL idea isn't a bad one.

Thanks for the advice my friend.....

[Norton]

My back hurts constantly regardless of what I do, I don't sleep, knees are going, hips and achilles tendons ache.  That pretty much covers the physical side.

This concerns me, a lot. This alone can, and will, cause you to lose focus, lose interest, and generally have your zest for life fade away. Especially the lack of sleep part. Constant back, hip, and knee pain could be the sign of an undiagnosed illness like Lyme disease or some other common malady which, thankully, are usually treatable. At the very least have a checkup and let your doc know about the aches and pains that just don't go away.

I have a suspicion that just getting some good rest will help you out tremendously. Not sleeping well will cause all sorts of problems - physical, mental, and spiritual. Trust me, I know all too well.

Brad

Message received loud and clear.  I had the military's finest MDs explore like only a few intimate lady friends have ever dreamed  ;-) and got a clean bill of health.

I do have a genetic abnormality in my sacra which is a common cause of back pain but this feels more muscular in nature, ie stress related.  My understanding is that cortisol is a powerful chemical that can cause all sorts of weird maladies and I can only guess at what my cortisol levels are.

The sleep thing is me running all of the scenarios in my mind....fretting, ruminating, etc.....but you are absolutely right that whatever the cause the end result is that it saps away a lot of your get up and go.

I'm going to work at getting some good rest this weekend as, for once, I've got nothing scheduled and the wife is working all weekend.

Of course, I'll start resting after I mail my FAL off for a rebuild....that will cheer me up immensely  :-)

[Norton]

Norton--
"Trouble is...it's not just about the money.  We could battten down the hatches and make out OK."
That is a HUGE blessing.  You need to recognize it as such.  That takes ALL the pressure off.

Is there a one-time Sabbatical program in your District?  Take it for a year or whatever its limitations are.
Can you take a leave of absence?  Do it and explore some other things.
Seek out a way you can try something (over the summer?) without bagging the whole gig.

You're a musician.  What do you REALLY like about that? Composing? Arranging? Teaching? Performing? How can you focus on what you like without dealing with the attendant baggage?

I see two options:
1) work a fairly mundane job, and pursue life's passions outside the workplace.
2) Find something you can feel fulfilled at doing for work.

"Now's the time to evaluate your position in life.  Don't be afraid to make changes.  With luck you can initiate it and control its pace to some extent."
^^^^^^
Well said.

Amazing how prescient everyone is here.  We do grant academic sabbaticals....with half salary even!  They are very competitive but I'm going to check out the information on Monday.  My alama mater is starting up a doctoral program in my speciality and with half salary, tuition remission and a stipend I'd make out OK.  

Leave of absense is a little trickier as it only guarantees a job in the school system, but not at your former school.  The reality is that, given the nature of this system, there is no other school that I'd even consider working at.  Also no salary.....

Barring the sabbatical,  option one is easily attainable.  I can make a separate peace here and define my work responsibilities in such a way that I can find a modicum of satisfaction balanced with a light enough workload that lets me shoot a lot, get to my mountain land when I want to and try to be a decent husband.

Thanks for the advice....mucho appreciated.....

[Norton]

Wowweee.....this is why I love this place and THR.....

It's Friday, payday and sunny outside....I'm off for the ride home.

You folks are good friends and comrades.....I hope that I can return the favor.

Peace.

[richyoung]

I don't know how open you would be to this idea, but the "Pathways" program, as started By Dr. Phil McGraw, helps with exactly these issues.  It's not cheap, and its only in Dallas, but if you think you might be interested, I'll get some info to you.  It changed my life, and that of my SO as well - worth EVERY PENNY!

Rich

Rich,

Thanks for the tip....I checked out the website and sent off for the materials.  Seems like a good program....maybe I just need some "me time" to reflect and analyze.

If you decide to go, bear in mind that the tuition includes your hotel room.  Don't worry about transportation in the area to and from the airport - Pathways can arrange it, or I have relatives in the area that can do it as well, and would be glad to do so.  I can say the program has worked miracles in my family.

[Moondoggie]

Norton,

If it gives you a chance to smile, here's a thought.....My band teacher in HS (35 yrs ago) was a real inspirational influence in my life.  You never know how many of those "rude kids" you've touched in a positive way.  I'm sure more than you know.

For the aches & pains aspect, given that your Dr's haven't found anything, may I recommend a hot tub/spa?  My career in the Marines left me with many of the symptoms that you describe, basically just worn out parts.  My hot tub is the BEST $3600 I ever spent.  Doesn't matter if it's a hot cuppa joe in the morning listening to the birds and watching the clouds or an adult beverage in the evening while star gazing, it's the best therapy I've ever imagined.

Family, friends, and PERSONAL accomplishments are sources of fulfillment, jobs providing fulfillment is just gravey.  Very few old folks spend time in their last moments thinking about their job/career.

[Norton]

Very few old folks spend time in their last moments thinking about their job/career.

Amen.....I look at my dad....basically worked the same job for the last 40 years, white collar defense contractor type stuff.  He's the one who goes to work everyday, works the overtime  not because he wants the money but because there's work to be done.

I also look at fellow band directors.  Many have no lives away from band.  No wives (either never married or are divorced), maybe a week away from band stuff in the summer, etc, etc.  Frankly, when I was 22-33 or so I was one of those people.  The kids that I had appreciated it, but then I had a realization.

Once I was gone from that school, my "rep" would only last for the next 3 years as "my" kids matriculated through the program.  After that, I was just a name on the trophies in the room....as distant as the founding fathers.  Taking this out to the nth degree, at retirement, your school or otherwise employer doesn't give you anything extra for giving away your life to the cause.  

Certainly as a teacher, there is a certain amount of altruism in the service to the kids.....but there is a need for a balance point.  I'm trying to strike that balance point between the necessity for a job that pays enough to live in the DC metro area and the need to be home physically and emotionally.  My current responsibilities allow for that, but at the price of satisfaction with the job.  

Eh....as the Marines have said, Adapt and Overcome.

I like the idea of the spa......I think that we're going to incorporate one into the design of the addition to the house.  I may be so relaxed, I'll never leave the thing  :-)

[Waitone]

Norton, if you have lots of stress regardless of the source AND you are experiencing physically ailments, do not discount the relationship between the two.  Excessive stress over extended time will kill your body.  Too much literature out there demonstrating how the body is literally consumed by unrelieved stress.

In my post I said I came within a whisker of death.  I'm dead serious.  Because of the stress I experience over an extended period of time, my body responded by simply stopping the production of hemoglobin.  My admitting physician later told me he did not expect me to walk out of the hospital.  He said it was a miracle that I was alive.

Don't screw around with stress.  Exercise is an excellent stress-buster.  Do anything physical as a start.  Your head will tell you it it like what you do to your body.

[Norton]

Waitone,

I hear you loud and clear.  I'm gonna get the weekend started by a brisk walk as soone as the sun comes up.

Take care of yourself too.

[garyk/nm]

Hi Norton,
Not first-hand experience, but my sister went through the same predicament as you. She worked for the phone co. in your neck of the woods for 19 years, in IT, and as a member of "management", she was working 60-70 hour weeks, and anytime their was a strike, she was on duty 24/7. She finally had enough, took early retirement, and took up a new career....Teaching!
The change in stress levels has been remarkable in her life. She is a completely different person now, able to enjoy life instead of dreading each day.
To expand on the idea that Fig-man put forward, it sounds like there is an aspect of your field which you really enjoy (recording/coaching), why not investigate the possibility of making a career of just that? Maybe your own recording studio/ company?

Good luck Norton, things will work out for the best.

Gary