Ah, the US vice-presidency! From visiting second-tier foreign dignitaries to waiting for the president to die, this linchpin of the modern democratic nation-state is a role that can't be filled by just anyone. Indeed, this is a job that calls for nothing less than the most highly-cultivated political window-dressing money can buy.
Who has the experience? Who's pretty but not so pretty they kind of look like a slut? Whose name will fit comfortably on a bumper sticker in a garish red-white-and-blue font?
The Democratic contenders:
Joe Biden
Pros: One of the Senate's oldest and most respected experts in the field of Joe Biden; vast bullshit reserve could be tapped for its methane, powering nation for decades; fondness for partition and ethnic cleansing could be a valuable asset during the Second American Civil War of 2013.
Cons: As a wholly-owned subsidiary of DuPont, may be ineligible to hold office.
Jim Webb
Pros: Tempers Obama's unhinged situational war scepticism with demonstrated love of killing things; broadens party appeal to critical demographic of trigger-happy, bug-eyed Reagan officials.
Cons: Vice-presidency would ultimately distract Webb from important work of wiretapping random people while masturbating his guns.
Evan Bayh
Pros: Youthful energy signals a change from old corrupt politics to new corrupt politics; cynically hawkish, pro-corporate policy stance would be a refreshing counterweight to Obama's freewheeling agenda of simulated empathy.
Cons: Opposition research will inevitably unearth mystically sealed painting of rancidly decrepit Bayh created by powerful credit industry warlocks.
Hillary Clinton
Pros: Over 200 years' experience in treaty negotiation, nation-founding and declaration-writing from that school field trip to Monticello; would promote party unity with dynamic, mutual-loathing-based dream ticket.
Cons: Who will bridge the vast ideological gulf between Clinton's hawkish, corporate-friendly centrism and Obama's hawkish, centrist-friendly corporatism?
Galactus, Eater of Worlds
Pros: Balances out Obama's troublingly semi-dovish past with tough, muscular "eat the world" policy.
Cons: Will eat the world.
The Republican contenders:
While the Democratic veepstakes is being driven largely by a search for qualities like Strength, Experience, and other ways to say Penishood, Republicans this year will be looking for candidates with a kind of energy or vitality, what the French call a certain having-a-pulseness. Once again we ask: who has what it takes? Who can check if the president's still breathing at a state dinner while maintaining an air of dignity and resolve? Who can project the confidence and authority America expects from its leaders while wiping the dribble off the commander-in-chief's chin?
Mitt Romney
Pros: History of rapid flip-flops will neatly counterbalance McCain's record of stunning policy reversals to achieve perfect pandering equilibrium; ability to suck opponents into the inky void of his soul should prove useful in veep debate; sweats liquid money.
Cons: Eccentric space-god religion could appear unacceptably bizarre to pious nation of devout 2000-year-old Jewish zombie worshipers.
Joe Lieberman
Pros: Sure to spice up campaign with torpid, hectoring schoolmarm charm; could unite America with moderate, bipartisan blow-up-the-world ticket.
Cons: Combined stench of death might might overwhelm unsuspecting Club For Growth members.
Bobby Jindal
Pros: Least likely to die over the next four to eight years; zeal for castration and exorcism meshes nicely with party's innovative 12th century social policy.
Cons: Will inevitably be kidnapped and rendered to a secret CIA torture camp upon his first attempt to board Air Force One, missing tie-breaking vote on critical appropriations bill.
Tim Pawlenty
Pros: Voters may be unaware that he is actually Republican
Cons: Voters may be unaware that he actually exists
The Cryptkeeper
Pros: balances out McCain ticket with touch of youth and vigour; winning sense of humour sure to charm media and independents alike; foreign policy expertise ensured by unquenchable thirst for death.
Cons: May be just a pre-makeup Joe Biden
Dick Cheney
Pros: Would make an excellent "Cheney figure"; provides for a smooth transition between Cheney administrations; only way to stop him from activating America's secret self-destruct sequence from within his hidden lair in the tip of the Washington Monument.
Cons: None. None whatsoever.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/aug/21/uselections2008.barackobama
