A Beginners Guide to Cycle Touring: How to prepare

[mtnbkr]

Found here: http://www.cyclingtrip.com/sections/guide/index.htm

Step 1: Get a spagetti-strainer and several small sponges. Soak the sponges in salt-water and paste them to the inside of the spagetti-strainer. Place the strainer on your head. Find a busy road. Stand by the side of the road and do deep knee-bends for 8 hours. This will acclimatize you to a day's ride.

Step 2: Take some 200-grit sandpaper and rub your rear-end and the insides of your legs for about 20 minutes. Rinse with salt-water. Repeat. Then, sit on a softball for 8 hours. Do this daily for at least 8 days.

Step 3: Each day, take two twenty-dollar bills and tear them into small pieces. Place the pieces on a dinner-plate, douse them with lighter fluid and burn them. Inhale the smoke (simulating car-fumes). Rub the ashes on your face. Then go to the local motel and ask them for a room.

Step 4: Take a 1-quart plastic bottle. Fill it from the utility sink of a local gas-station (where the mechanics wash their hands). Let the bottle sit in the sun for 2 or 3 hours until it's good and tepid. Seal the bottle up (kinda, sorta) and drag it through a ditch or swamp. Walk to a busy road. Place your spagetti-strainer on your head and drink the swill-water from the bottle while doing deep knee-bends along the side of the road.

Step 5: Get some of those Dutch wooden-shoes. Coat the bottoms with 90-W gear-oil. Go to the local supermarket (preferably one with tile floors). Put the oil-coated, wooden shoes on your feet and go shopping.

Step 6: Think of a song from the 1980's that you really hated. Buy the CD and play 20 seconds of that song over and over and over for about 6 hours. Do more deep knee-bends

Step 7: Hill training: Do your deep knee-bends for about 4 hours with the salt-soaked spagetti-strainer on your head, while you drink the warm
swill-water and listen to the 80's song over and over (I would recommend "I'm a cowboy/On a STEEL horse I ride!" by Bon Jovi). At the end of 4 hours, climb onto the hood of a friend's car and have him drive like a lunatic down the twistiest road in the area while you hang on for dear life.

Step 8: Humiliation training: Wash your car and wipe it down with a chamois-cloth. Make sure you get a healthy amount of residual soap and
road-grit embedded in the chamois. Put the chamois on your body like a loin-cloth, then wrap your thighs and middle-section with cellophane. Make sure it's really snug. Paint yourself from the waist down with black latex paint.  Cut an onion in half and rub it into your arm-pits. Put on a brightly colored shirt and your Dutch oil-coated wooden shoes and go shopping at a crowded local mall.

Step 9: Foul weather training: Take everything that's important to you, pack it in a Nylon corodura bag and place it in the shower. Get in the shower with it. Run the water from hot to cold. Get out and without drying off, go to the local convienience store. Leave the wet, important stuff on the sidewalk. Go inside and buy $10 worth of Gatorade and Fig Newtons.

Step 10: As Archimedes hypothesized: "Use a simple lever to move the Earth from one place to another". After doing that, go around your house and lift heavy things that you never imagined a person could lift. Surprise yourself. Do 1,000 sit-ups. Then 10,000. Eat lunch. Repeat. Argue with every girlfriend/boyfriend you've ever known and be RIGHT. Solve all the problems of politics, faith and economics. At the end of the day, get into a huge tub filled with hot soapy water and relax, because tomorrow is another BIG DAY ON THE BIKE!

Step 11: Headwinds training: Buy a huge map of the entire country. Spread it in front  of you. Have a friend hold a hair-dryer in your face. Stick your feet in taffy and try to pull your knees to your chest while your friend tries to shove you into a ditch or into traffic with his free hand. Every 20 minutes or so, look at the huge map and marvel at the fact that you have gone nowhere  after so much hard work and suffering. Fold the map in front of a window-fan set to "High".

[Brad Johnson]

Chris, has anyone ever told you you're wierd?   

Brad

[mtnbkr]

No, never.

What are you trying to tell me?



Chris

[Brad Johnson]

If I ever tried to bike, mountain or otherwise, I'd probably end up having to get the thing surgically removed.

Brad

[mtnbkr]

You'd adjust. 

BTW, check out these guys on the Clydesdale forum at Bikeforums.net: http://www.bikeforums.net/showthread.php?t=228767

Chris

[Manedwolf]

I've heard headwinds summarized as being like a stationary bike set to the maximum possible resistance, (if it's got a "tar pit" setting on it), only the stationary bike covers more distance.

[mtnbkr]

While in Mobile last month, I hit a headwind on my bike that kept me from coasting down the only large hill in the area.  If I coasted, I slowed down.  Unfortunately, there was an equally large uphill just after that.  I really needed the momentum to get up that hill.

Chris

[Brad Johnson]

You'd adjust. 

BTW, check out these guys on the Clydesdale forum at Bikeforums.net: http://www.bikeforums.net/showthread.php?t=228767

Chris

Ho-leeeeeee crap!

Brad

[El Tejon]

I am preparing for this Spring by watching this:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYg47APW9sk

Call me Pither.

[mtnbkr]

Does that mean I get to be Clodagh Rodgers?

Chris

[Jamisjockey]

Dood.  I threw out my back pretty good, I'm flat on it right now.  Can't ride, can't even pick the kids up.  And its supposed to be 60 this weekend.  I'm not happy.
 

[mtnbkr]

Dood.  I threw out my back pretty good, I'm flat on it right now.  Can't ride, can't even pick the kids up.  And its supposed to be 60 this weekend.  I'm not happy.
 

Just kidding.  I feel ya pain.  I've been having problems with my back lately too.  Not sure if I have a real problem or if I've developed some sort of imbalance working out.

Chris

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

i always wanted to do a cross country ride  my daughter says i waited too long "your too old and fat daddy!"   shes probably right. sad 15 years ago i made it from boston to bethesda in 3 days on a giant rincon when my girlfriend dumped me up there.took me four days to get up there but i was mad and had hurt feelings on return trip  plus it was downhill

[Jamisjockey]

Dude that's balls right there!  I'd never ride three days for a woman.  For myself, yes!

Chris,
I'm a hurtin pup right now.  Standing or flat on my back are the only comfortable positions.  Sitting up right provides excrutiating pain.  I'm going to the doctor tomorrow.

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

i fell in love with a girl in her last year at harvard law school. opposites attract  she was a bleeding heart trust fund kid who interned with crowell and morey one summer. i had 10 days off work no cash so i headed up to see her  she dumped me first night.  she said she wanted to do it to my face.  this was one time a dear john woulda been ok. i did 230 miles that first day on the trip back  might gone further but i stopped at a liquor store i miss those days of riding i need to ride again lose some weight. i did learn my lesson about dating beautiful lawyers. she's made her lifes work defending guys on death row   who can figure

[seeker_two]

Step 8: Humiliation training: Wash your car and wipe it down with a chamois-cloth. Make sure you get a healthy amount of residual soap and
road-grit embedded in the chamois. Put the chamois on your body like a loin-cloth, then wrap your thighs and middle-section with cellophane. Make sure it's really snug. Paint yourself from the waist down with black latex paint.  Cut an onion in half and rub it into your arm-pits. Put on a brightly colored shirt and your Dutch oil-coated wooden shoes and go shopping at a crowded local mall.

You know, in some parts of Arkansas, that's called "a Saturday night at Wal-Mart".....

[Manedwolf]

Step 8: Humiliation training: Wash your car and wipe it down with a chamois-cloth. Make sure you get a healthy amount of residual soap and
road-grit embedded in the chamois. Put the chamois on your body like a loin-cloth, then wrap your thighs and middle-section with cellophane. Make sure it's really snug. Paint yourself from the waist down with black latex paint.  Cut an onion in half and rub it into your arm-pits. Put on a brightly colored shirt and your Dutch oil-coated wooden shoes and go shopping at a crowded local mall.

You know, in some parts of Arkansas, that's called "a Saturday night at Wal-Mart".....

I thought it was Waffle House.

[Paddy]

I don't like the way bicyclists take up the road we pay for with our gas taxes.  They make me nervous when I have to pass them as they ride right next to the lane.  I always try to move way over (into the opposing lane if possible) to avoid hitting them.  I wish they'd stay further to the right.

[Vodka7]

The average lane is 11-12 feet wide (minimum is 10).  Even most big SUVs/trucks are less than 7 feet wide.  Even the fattest biker is less than 4-5 feet wide

You're being a bit paranoid, which makes sense, given that you don't really want to miscalculate how close to get to someone when getting too close could injure or even kill them.  Here in Philly though, cyclists are all over, and you learn pretty quick that you just need to drive like you normally would and that the cyclists will adapt to you, instead of the other way around.  (And, be really, really careful when opening your car door if you're parked on the street!  Every single cyclist I know has been doored at one point or another.)

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

I don't like the way bicyclists take up the road we pay for with our gas taxes.  They make me nervous when I have to pass them as they ride right next to the lane.  I always try to move way over (into the opposing lane if possible) to avoid hitting them.  I wish they'd stay further to the right.

Cyclists don't use any gas, nor do they put any wear and tear on the road, which is what gas taxes are intended to pay for.  Why on earth would you expect cyclists to pay gas taxes?

Cycling on the far right edge of the road is dangerous.  If I have to ride inside a lane of traffic (such as on roads that don't have a wide shoulder) I stay at least 1/3 of the way into a lane.  That's the safest place to ride, in my experience.

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

"Cycling on the far right edge of the road is dangerous.  If I have to ride inside a lane of traffic (such as on roads that don't have a wide shoulder) I stay at least 1/3 of the way into a lane.  "


why do you think that?  my experience was considerably different

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

"Cycling on the far right edge of the road is dangerous.  If I have to ride inside a lane of traffic (such as on roads that don't have a wide shoulder) I stay at least 1/3 of the way into a lane.  "


why do you think that?  my experience was considerably different

1)  Car doors

2)  Other obstacles on the edge of the road (trash, leaves, road kill, storm drains, rusty mufflers...)

3)  Intersections

4)  Cars coming up from behind you, trying to turn right in front of you

5)  Cars entering the road

6)  Stupid drivers stupidly thinking they can do something stupid like pass you while you're both in the same lane

Generally, I find that most motorists don't know how to handle "unusual" situations.  Vehicles hugging the curb are definitely unusual ("will he move over for me?  do I pass him now?  should I wait until the other lane clears before going around him? "). 

Riding in the center of the lane makes me a vehicle just like any other.  Motorists know how to cope with me.  They know I won't move over for them. They know we can't both be in the same lane at the same time.  They know how to go around me, and when to go around me.  They know when not to try to go around me.

If nothing else, staying left gives you a bit breathing room.  You have some time and space to react.

Dead smack in the center of the lane is probably the safest place to be.  But I find that drivers are more civil if I'm a little right of the center, roughly 1/3 of the way into the lane, where the tire tracks run.  It's just the same as being in the center, for all practical purposes, but certain drivers tend to get pissy with you if you're in the absolute center of the lane and they have to <gasp> slow down for you.

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

Check this out:

http://www.bicyclesafe.com/

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

i've seen that site before. ignoring for the moment this bit " But following the law is not enough to keep you safe, not by a long shot. Here's an example: The law tells you to ride as far to the right as is practicable. But if you ride too far to the right, someone exiting a parked car could open their TIP: The Uninsured Motorist clause on your auto insurance may pay if you're hit & runned while bicycling. Check your policy.
 
door right in front of you, you'll be less visible to motorists pulling out of driveways and parking lots, and motorists coming from behind may pass you way too closely in the same lane because you didn't make them change lanes. In each of these cases you could have been following the law, but could still have been hit.


i found that this line of thought became  more prevalent after riding became fashionable amongst the yuppies. and it being safer has not been my experience. . i lost my license in 1982  i got it back in 2000. i rode quite a bit under all conditions lived in south rockville worked in rosslyn and crystal city .i rode for fun and i rode because i had too have a lil over 100 k in those 18 years. i never pretended i was a car unless i could keep up the pace. and thats not all that often.  i could never figure what went through the spandex wearing yoppies minds when they were out in a lane 20 miles slower than traffic talking all that its our road too trash. its not much different than some dimwit doing 40 in the left lane at rush hour.i rode as fr outa the way as possible and learned to really pay attention. all those years on motorcycles and as a courier were good training.being situationally aware instead of grooving to spandau ballet saved my bacon. being ready to curb hop or take evasive action and presuming the worst of drivers served me well.heck i ride and i hate the lance armstrong wannabes on the country roads who ride in packs and seem to feel that their "training runs" require others to wait for them.  that feeling of entiltlement baffled me. i ride some of those roads . and if i hold up traffic i get outa the way.  maybe its a japanese thing .i keep an eye out and will pull over in the ditch to let folks by. when i ride in an area where i have to deal with folks driving by real close i either man up or get out and sit on the porch with the young ladies. i hada a couple good crashes both as a courier and after. the courier ones hada do with me pushing the envelope and the ones after were often alcohol related. do i wish there were bike lanes everywhere? sure but there aren't and trying to " take my share of the road" seemed sensless and more than a lil self centered and self defeating

[Paddy]

i lost my license in 1982  i got it back in 2000.

How many people did you kill while drunk driving and why aren't you in prison?