Armed Polite Society
Main Forums => The Roundtable => Topic started by: Kyle on December 04, 2008, 11:53:48 PM
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So, I am a few weeks into being newly single. I had a coffee date with a woman the other day. Things went really well. I enjoy her company, and she seems to enjoy mine. We have a dinner date scheduled for Saturday night.
The thing is, I am not used to having to "try" to impress women. Since my teenage years, I have always (inexplicably) had really good luck with girls coming onto me. Ive never really had to try.
The problem with this one is that I think she is waaaayyyyy out of my league. My assumption of her mindset is "Ok, I usually wouldn't go out with a guy like this. But he seems nice so I will give him a chance and see what he can do."
So what do I do? The coffee was very casual. I am pretty confident that if we are actually compatible, once she gets to know me she might really like me, and I won't have to stress about these things.
But what do I do for the second date to really wow her and keep here interested long enough to get to know me?
Any advice, or stories about that time you totally knocked her socks off would be appreciated!
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The problem with this one is that I think she is waaaayyyyy out of my league. My assumption of her mindset is "Ok, I usually wouldn't go out with a guy like this. But he seems nice so I will give him a chance and see what he can do."
So what do I do? The coffee was very casual. I am pretty confident that if we are actually compatible, once she gets to know me she might really like me, and I won't have to stress about these things.
But what do I do for the second date to really wow her and keep here interested long enough to get to know me?
Any advice, or stories about that time you totally knocked her socks off would be appreciated!
If you assume that is her mindset, you've already lost. Be yourself, realize that you are not in any league, you are simply the person you see when you look in a mirror. If you believe she's deigning to have coffee with you... Not good. I realize it probably sounds like empty advice, but the mental aspect is just as important as having the perfect lines. Confidence without arrogance is the key.
Relax, chill, be yourself and listen as much as possible. Things will either work out, or they won't. If they don't, shrug and move onto the next lady. If she's too judgemental or superficial to see who you are, you're better off spending your valuable time with a better catagory of lady.
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Act normal, be a gentleman. Opening doors, paying for dinner, and a nice compliment gets you into most any league. Avoid controversial conversation subjects until you know her better.
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I was on a date in NYC in the 1980's with a pretty gal, we were riding our bikes to her place
late at night when some inner city youth thought they should mug us, before her or they could react
I grabbed my kryto lock, swung it above my head and charged yelling "make my day, expletive deleted"
( cheezy now, but this was the eighties, a very cheezy time )
They ran & I got the hero treatment for a long time.
So, go to a bad part of town, get mugged then save her!
Works like a charm!
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Most people's favorite subject is themselves. Sincerely ask questions that elicit answers that give you insight into who she is and what she likes. When you know that, you can figure out how to "wow" her, whether it's with tickets to a particular concert or just a bag of hot cashew nuts.
Don't try to be someone you're not. Even if you succeed short term in the masquerade, long term it will fail.
If you already have girls hitting on you frequently, there must be something about you that makes you sexy, so just be yourself.
Ditto on French G's comments about being a gentleman. Class never goes out of style.
If you decide to wield a krypto lock, be sure not to hit her. ;)
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The problem with this one is that I think she is waaaayyyyy out of my league.
I've been there and done that. In retrospect, it's painfully obvious I was a few thousand miles out of touch with reality. It took me decades to realize I'm as good as anyone else, and pretending otherwise is a guaranteed recipe for self-defeat.
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Be yourself.
Be a gentleman.
Treat her like a lady.
If you two hit it off, great, things will work out.
If you two don't hit it off, great, things will work out elsewhere.
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The thing is, I am not used to having to "try" to impress women.
Don't try. Be yourself. If you try to impress and are successful you may have presented a persona that will come back to bite you in the future.
Since my teenage years, I have always (inexplicably) had really good luck with girls coming onto me. Ive never really had to try.
I hate Darwin - I hate YOU! ;)
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Ask her what SHE wants to do. If it is something you hate, compromise.
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If it is something you hate, compromise.
If it is something you hate, reconsider why you want to work so hard to get someone you barely know and already don't hit it off with.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone (and yourself) is let them be with others. She had coffee with you and agreed to dinner; you have not forged the chains of self-sacrifice yet. When lamenting the absence of Miss Right many years ago, I found great comfort in the phrase "she's not ready yet"; indeed, my wife - six years younger and residing in another country - was utterly unready to be my companion at the time, and when we were both ready we met, courted, and wed.
It is not mean to suggest that if you don't hit it off, find someone else. To the contrary...
As noted:
- don't try to impress her, save for treating her the way you should.
- be yourself, and wait for someone who will accept you for you.
- let her be herself, and accept (or not) who she is.
- be a gentleman, and focus on her.
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Tell her you know me.
Seriously though, sometimes women like guys because of potential - not current situation. Give yourself some credit...be yourself. There's a reason she had coffee with you.
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Seriously though, sometimes women like guys because of potential - not current situation. Give yourself some credit...be yourself. There's a reason she had coffee with you.
Sometimes women like guys...just because they like them, social standing having nothing to do with it. Just go with it. And above all, just be yourself. If she really is attacted to you, it's you, as you are, that caught her eye.
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My second wife.
Blond, leggy, pretty enough that it hurt. Danish, for what that's worth. Mother of my first two daughters.
We met over the phone. I was working the comms desk, and I had to relay messages to her office, and she wound up getting that phone call most of a dozen times.
It got to where we were joking and giggling every time I'd call with yet another urgent message.
I remarked one evening that we really ought to meet.
Things got real quiet. "That would be nice."
"How will I recognize you? What do you look like?"
"Well, I'm tall and I have blond hair." (Great, this is Denmark -- that describes half the population!) "And what do you look like?"
I froze. Hell, I'm just an average guy. What do I tell her?
"Weeeeellll, uhm, I'm short, fat, and ugly. And I have green hair."
Silence. Laughter. "Oh, I was actually believing you until you said about the hair!"
We did, in fact, meet. I was completely blown away. I finally got around to asking her why she wasn't dating. I mean, damn, what red-blooded dude could pass up this fine lady?
"Well, I guess guys are afraid to talk to me." And she was right. I had lucked into this. If we'd met face-to-face under "normal" circumstances, I would never have spoken to her. I would not have had the nerve.
If you have a lady who's "a step up" for you, remember, most of the guys she knows are afraid to talk to her, and most of the ones who will are self-important jerks.
Don't be one of the self-important jerks.
Relax. Be you. Let her be whoever she really is.
It works lots better that way.
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Ok guys, thanks. All good advice. I know what you mean about being myself.
I guess I'll get more specific. When I say out of my league, I mean she is my same age, we come from similar socio-economic backgrounds, we go to the same university.
The "problem" (although I guess a guy could have worse problems, eh?) is that I am an average to slightly above average looking guy. This girl is a straight up 10, physically near-perfect. And as I found out Tuesday, she is really cool and we seem to have a lot in common. And I know she has many other guys interested in her.
So I need to differentiate myself, make myself stand out. I am not talking about sacrificing anything. I just mean like, do I get her flowers? Or is that too much for a first/second date, or corny or something? Stuff like that. Like I said, I have never worried about this stuff before cuz it has been pretty easy for me in the past. So I don't really know what is appropriate.
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So I need to differentiate myself, make myself stand out.
Not necessarily. She might see that as phony. Just be yourself. Behave as though this is any other first date where you would normally want to make a good impression. Don't do anything special or "over-and-above".
If she is the way you describe her, she would probably appreciate being treated with standard, genuine kindness and respect, not as some kind of goddess.
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So... no flowers?
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If you really feel the need for flowers, just something simple and not ostentatious.
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The thing is, I am not used to having to "try" to impress women.
<yoda>
Do, or do not - there is no try.
</yoda>
Sawdust :lol:
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Go away, Sawdust. Just go away. (Snicker...that was funny.)
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Take her to a shooting range. Bet nobody has ever done that with her before.
If nothing else, you'll weed her out in a hurry if she hates guns.
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Just get her to laugh, say something, then stop and say "That didn't come out right". You will have gauge on her sense of humor, and have broken the ice at the same time.
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Ooh Ooh! Thats something I left out!
On our coffee date, she was talking about being a gymnast (yes, shes a gymnast). She asked me what kind of sports/recreations I was into. I told her I was into the shooting sports. She was like, "wow, I've never tried anything like that! Sounds like it might be fun!"
So then I told her about how I am an NRA instructor and I would love to take her some time, and she said she would like that.
However, Saturday night date is dinner. That will have to wait. But a good sign, no?
Also, as far as flowers go, I was thinking like 3 roses. Not one, bot a dozen, but like 3. Sound decent?
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A little early on the roses, methinks.
A small bouquet of non-roses, yes.
Roses would smack of a heavy foot on the gas pedal...don't want to frighten the game away...
Sawdust
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The "problem" (although I guess a guy could have worse problems, eh?) is that I am an average to slightly above average looking guy. This girl is a straight up 10, physically near-perfect. And as I found out Tuesday, she is really cool and we seem to have a lot in common. And I know she has many other guys interested in her.
Ok, so you described 60% of the women in college. They are a dime a dozen at that age. Just be yourself, if its meant to be it is.
If I could go back in time to college, I'd relive everything again, maybe talk to a lot more women.
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Sawdust made a good call on the flowers.
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I'd say ditch the flower idea. Maybe wave a little Hoppe's #9 under her nose. =D =D
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grampster, an old romantic he is. =D
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Ok, no flowers. Flowers, no flowers? How many, roses or not? Wayyyyyy too complicated.
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Ok, no flowers. Flowers, no flowers? How many, roses or not? Wayyyyyy too complicated.
There are some people - I'm not sure this rule applies in American culture - that think an even number of flowers is only appropriate for funerals.
Roses are nice. But what you should, IMO, do, is pick some other flower with nice symbolism. Then, when you give it to her, say something about how you picked out flower X, because 'In Mongolian mythology, Daisies mean Y'. OR something. This would show you put thought into it (even if in reality you just put Googling).
The point is, you must show you really put thought into it and not just went through the motions. Going through the motions = bad.
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Ok, no flowers. Flowers, no flowers? How many, roses or not? Wayyyyyy too complicated.
I vote for no flowers until you get to know her better.
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Follow-up!
So, I decided to take her to a nice, small, quiet, but not over-the-top expensive Mediterranean place that she had never been to, but in an area she is familiar with.
Best part is, she had never had Med food and wasn't even really sure what to expect. So, being the expert I am (used to work in the kitchen of a Med restaurant) I was able to talk a little bit about the food, help her pick what to order, etc.
She is a wine person (I am too) which she had talked about, so I said "why don't you pick a bottle of wine," which I think she appreciated. She picked a pretty good wine too.
We did three courses and had a really good time. The two main reservations I had about her (which are long stories) were neatly cleared up last night, so I am ready to move forward and see where this goes.
I don't think I totally WOWed her like I wanted to, but I think it went really well. I said "I would definitely like to see you again soon." She said "Me too, let me know what your work schedule is like next week."
So I feel like I am as solid as is possible by the first/second date. I took ya'lls advice; no flowers, no going out of my way to try and impress her, etc. Seems it worked out.
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Because you obviously didn't follow grampster's advice to wave a little Hoppes #9 under her nose, I wouldn't be quite so optomistic, if I were you. =D
Seriously, it sounds like it went well. Good deal. Check back with updates from time to time.
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There are some people - I'm not sure this rule applies in American culture - that think an even number of flowers is only appropriate for funerals.
I've heard that that's a Russian thing, but I haven't seen it in the US. They tend to sell roses and other things in groups of a dozen. It may be different in other areas of the country.
Sounds like the dates have gone well. Congrats. Make sure to tune in to APS for all future dating advice. =D
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we need a "worst impressions" thread more fun
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She is a wine person (I am too) which she had talked about, so I said "why don't you pick a bottle of wine," which I think she appreciated. She picked a pretty good wine too.
So I feel like I am as solid as is possible by the first/second date. I took ya'lls advice; no flowers, no going out of my way to try and impress her, etc. Seems it worked out.
I am by no means an expert on women.
In fact, I am rather oblivious. My wife tells me I had pretty much all the girls we both knew interested in me at one time.
I still don't believe it. (I think I'm a nerd, she thinks otherwise).
However, I do know one thing: Pay attention. You'd be AMAZED at the results.
I am blessed with an amazing memory. As such, anytime she mentions anything she likes or is interested in or wishes she has, it gets filed away.
She still almost cries (or does cry, depending on how touching it is) when I get something for her that she has mentioned. She discovered one of her Christmas presents (I didn't get it out of the suitcase in time) and was so touched- she then tells me: "It's my favorite one!" I already knew this because I paid attention.
As for the rest of it, people have given you good advice: ALWAYS be yourself (if you want it to last); be a gentleman; don't be too forward.
But it looks like you are off on the right foot. Keep it up and keep paying attention. (You noticed she was interested in wines. Keep noticing things like that, it will impress her immensely.)
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The advice to be observant is spot on. If she is a potential long term relationship then it would be in your very best interests to pay attention to her. Close attention. She will tell you in one way or another exactly what she wants, needs, and likes. Be comfortable in your own skin and what ever you do. DO NOT EMBELLISH, LEAVE OUT, OR OTHERWISE DISTORT THE TRUTH. Women are security oriented (even the adventurous ones) and if she thinks you can't tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth she will dump you like a hot rock. Unless she is a whoouh herself in which case you didn't want it to go anywhere anyway.
Jim
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Responding to the OP...
"Woof Woof Woof Woof !... That's my other dog impression"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5cL-h3Pj1o