Armed Polite Society
Main Forums => The Roundtable => Topic started by: Chrissy on August 07, 2009, 09:03:33 PM
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If not, moderators just delete this, 'kay?
What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:
1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8-Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger
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That ones been around, but jokes seem to be ok here, provided they're not beyond the pale.
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Hrrmph. I want jokes that are beyond the pale.
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You forgot 9- Prepare to be beaten to death by fellow passengers. :)
Hrrmph. I want jokes that are beyond the pale.
Me too.
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I get jokes e-mailed to me once in a while and I was just checking to see if they are allowed to be posted. I have more I'll try to post sometime in the future.
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You can post anything you want. The only real rule is that you not be offensive.
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That ones been around, but jokes seem to be ok here, provided they're not beyond the pale.
Although, around here, we've seen jokes that are positively albino....
The only real rule is that you not be offensive.
...in that case, we'd better not tell her about the "thing"....
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Don't remember where I got any of these, but oh well.
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation
was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied,"Yep, sure do."
'Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said
the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you p rofound, horrifying AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan."Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old
man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
-----
> Think before you speak...
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
>
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
> My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
> and I was on him constantly.
> One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch
> in between errands.
> It was very busy, with a full dining room.
> While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
> so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
> and she was clean.
> Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
> I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, 'No'.
> I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
> and I don't have any clean clothes with me.'
> Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
> 'No,' he replied.
> I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
> because the smell was getting worse.
> So, I asked one more time,
> 'Danny, did you have an accident?'
> This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
> bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled....
> 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their chips laughing,
> he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
> An older couple made me feel better,
> thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
Ok, that's all I got for the moment.
At least, that can be posted here....
(Well, after A bit of editing, anyway...)
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...in that case, we'd better not tell her about the "thing"....
Shh. Don't talk about it!
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Jokes?! JOKES?!?!?! Sullying my beautiful forum with the childish whinnying of laughter?
Guards, seize her! We'll execute her at dawn...
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Joke away. Just follow the forum "rules".
1. Please watch your language. No vulgarities, rudeness, or words that would make Art's Grandma blush (or swear herself!).
2. No porn, gratuitous violence, or offensive posts. Moderators' judgment will be the determining factor in what is offensive. If you'd say it to a gathering in your average family living-room, you should be fine to say it here.
3. Offensive threads will be deleted in their entirety. Offensive posts will be deleted, leaving the original thread intact if possible. Offenders won't be warned - if you see a post or thread of yours is gone, it means it fell foul of Rule 1 or Rule 2 above.
4. Repeat offenders will be banned. No excuses, no reasons needed, no argument. The rules are simple enough. If you can't follow 'em, don't post!
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When I'm jammed in on a plane, and want some elbow room, I use this.
http://www.users.bigpond.com/splattered_squirrell/
And it's completely TSA-approved too.
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My Favorite Blond Joke. (Maybe because it's the only one I can consistently remember)
Blond cops pulls over blond driver for speeding.
Blond Cop: "Can I see your drivers license please"
Blond driver: "Hmmmm...what does it look like?"
Cop: "It's a little square thingy with your picture on it."
Driver: Digs in purse and pulls out a small mirror -looks at mirror and hands it to the cop.
Cop: Looks at mirror and says, " Oh gee, you should have told me you were a cop".
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Lee, are you sure you didn't read one of my jokes in a joke thread here a few weeks ago? ;)
(Headed it off at the pass before it set another precedent, sorry)
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If not, moderators just delete this, 'kay?
Here's the deal - we can post jokes here, no problem.
However, this is an all-ages, all-types forum.
We cater to a broad spectrum of forum members, so before you type something, consider your audience.
I've cleaned up a few of the jokes in this thread in deference to that concept. ;)
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OK, I'll try something more tame.
A man is out in the park, and sees an old man sitting on a park bench, sobbing. "What's the matter?" he asks the old man.
The old man says, "I have a beautiful wife. She's 28, has a gorgeous figure, cooks like you wouldn't believe, and loves me passionately. I'm just so blessed to have her."
The younger man says, "that sounds great. But what's the problem?"
The old man says, "I can't remember where I live!"
***********
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Monkeyleg: I thought I was going to laugh myself to death over the second joke :laugh:. Got to use it sometime! :laugh: =D
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This is one of my all-time favorites. Cracks me up every time:
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild n your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
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OK, here's another. PM me for the rest of the joke: ;)
A priest is hearing confessions...
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The Lie Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh,' said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible,' said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office . . . He's using it as a ceiling fan.
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You can post anything you want. The only real rule is that you not be offensive.
Then how the hell does Zardoz and the Hasselhoff assault crotch fractal get through ?!?!?!
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Then how the hell does Zardoz and the Hasselhoff assault crotch fractal get through ?!?!?!
Good question...
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If you're offended by the Hoff you just need to be more sex positive. :P
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Then how the hell does Zardoz and the Hasselhoff assault crotch fractal get through ?!?!?!
Nobody's really bitched to the moderators about it?
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Never mind. It was something I consider to be fairly normal.
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Hrrmph. I want jokes that are beyond the pale.
Although, around here, we've seen jokes that are positively albino....
Pale has nothing to do with color or lack thereof.
The word Pale derives ultimately from the Latin word palus, meaning stake. From this came the figurative meaning of boundary and eventually the phrase "beyond the pale", as something outside the boundary.
The best known Pale, was the part of Ireland that was directly under the control of the English government in the late Middle Ages. Anything beyond that area was "Beyond the Pale" and therefore not "civilized". In addition, the term "Pale of Settlement" was applied to the area in the west of Imperial Russia where Jews were permitted to reside.
Thus endeth today's etymology lesson.
=D :police: :angel:
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Pale has nothing to do with color or lack thereof.
Thus endeth today's etymology lesson.
=D :police: :angel:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got any good jokes, inside the stake or outside?
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Zardoz and the Hoff aren't offensive. But they probably are too much of an inside joke to be springing on people in their intro thread. I think mentioning them, and letting the newb search to see what's up is a good compromise.
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Best guide would place a joke somewhere between too racy for pre-school.....but not racy enough for AR15.com......
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I was out once looking for a place to hunt with my Uncle Bob.
As we were driving down a dirt road out in farm country, we spied a couple of nice buck deer along one of the windbreaks. So I told Uncle Bob that I was going to go up to the farmhouse and ask permission to hunt.
Uncle Bob told me I was wasting my time, but I figured, what the heck, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
So I knocked on the door, and a crusty old farmer answered. I politely asked him if my Uncle Bob and I might have permission to hunt his land.
He gave me a squinty eyed look - I could see the wheels turning as if he was deciding what cuss words to use as he told me to git - so I braced myself.
Much to my surprise, he said sure, I could hunt there . . . if I'd do him a favor. It seemed that his old nag of a horse was lame and had a lot of other horse ailments, and needed to be put down . . . but the vet was on vacation, the farmer didn't have the heart to do it himself, and if I could just put a bullet right between Ol' Dobbin's eyes, he'd be much obliged and Uncle Bob and I could hunt all season.
I'm no horse killer, but - remembering the bucks I'd seen - I agreed.
Well, I went back to our pickup and there's Uncle Bob, laughing his fool head off. "See, Nephew, I told you we were wasting our time!"
I figured I'd have some fun - so I got my deer rifle out, mutting "Cuss ME out will he? I'll fix that old coot!"
Uncle Bob, with a worried look on his face, said "Hey, wait a minute, you can't shoot a man just because he cussed you out!"
"No, Uncle Bob, but I can shoot his horse, that's for sure."
So I took my time setting up across the hood, while Uncle Bob was rummaging around in back. Drew a bead on Ol' Dobbin . . . and nailed him right between the eyes.
Before I could turn around, I heard BANG! BANG! from in back of me - there's Uncle Bob, throwing HIS smoking rifle in back, saying "And I got two of that old coot's cows! Let's get the h*** out of here!"
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TRUCKER AND BLONDE
OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her
Brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's
Cruisin about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She
Comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home
And is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only
Going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get
Past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a
Foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her
On his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her
It looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first
Attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and
Begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more
Visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on
His ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the
Side of the road.
The trucker steps out of hisVehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet
In diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her notTo move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
The trucker goes back to
His truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He
Walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and
Beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand
New, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he
Throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde.
When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling
Around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why
Are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She
Is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can
Make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the
Circle!"
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As long as they are about white guys, otherwise they won't be PC......chris3
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You mean it's okay to tell jokes about mick's, limey's and greaseballs? ;)
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Hrrmph. I want jokes that are beyond the pale.
Before committing, I want to know what and where the pale is ...
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Before committing, I want to know what and where the pale is ...
So does this guy...
(https://armedpolitesociety.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.pyzam.com%2Fimg%2Fthumbs%2Fg_340%2Ffunnypics%2F6%2Fmahbukk.jpg&hash=3dfae096456e39a2fcddfc1be306af8d067ff1dd)
Oh, you said p-a-l-e.
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(https://armedpolitesociety.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmauser98.com%2Fpalerider.jpg&hash=f1e092aa6deeb935acd8c72949c3a2da463e4c57)
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Before committing, I want to know what and where the pale is ...
(https://armedpolitesociety.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fblu1.storage.msn.com%2Fy1pVVUmU_Pzy3w_dpWKPPywOgg3bQU-t4ZFr00nnlfMPEO-XO8TelZzTQMDayRFUkqVhARIk0kn99jgWcdOfl3SVw&hash=cc263193d94fd4075450ec870173b0942985984f)
http://blu1.storage.msn.com/y1pVVUmU_Pzy3w_dpWKPPywOgg3bQU-t4ZFr00nnlfMPEO-XO8TelZzTQMDayRFUkqVhARIk0kn99jgWcdOfl3SVw (http://blu1.storage.msn.com/y1pVVUmU_Pzy3w_dpWKPPywOgg3bQU-t4ZFr00nnlfMPEO-XO8TelZzTQMDayRFUkqVhARIk0kn99jgWcdOfl3SVw)
=D
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That cow standing over the pail has her head beyond the pale.
That's pretty deep, Seeker. :lol:
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(https://armedpolitesociety.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmauser98.com%2Fpalerider.jpg&hash=f1e092aa6deeb935acd8c72949c3a2da463e4c57)
Poor clint....
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That cow standing over the pail has her head beyond the pale.
That's pretty deep, Seeker. :lol:
If you think that's deep, you should see the rest of the barn..... :laugh:
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A fisherman is sitting in his boat when he feels a tug on his line. He gives the pole a yank, setting the hook, and proceeds to reel in a rather large fish. As he's scooping it into his net the fish props itself up on its fins, smiles at the fisherman, and says, "Hi, my name's Rusty. You know, I've lived in these waters for quite a few years and seen and done quite a few things. However, there are still a lot of things I'd like to see and do. If you could find it in your heart to release me so I that I can do these things, I'd be eternally grateful."
The man is taken aback. Not only has he snagged a large fish, but it talks, and is polite. He's struck by a moment of generosity, and releases the fish, who swiftly swims away.
Years pass.
Once again, the fisherman is in his boat and feels a tug on the line. He yanks the pole, sets the hook, and reels in a rather large (and familiar looking!) fish. As he scoops it into his net, the fish begins to speak, "Hi, My name's Rusty..."
The man stops the fish mid-sentence. "You might not remember me, but we met several years ago," he says to the fish. "I let you go then but I'm not about to fall for your pitch again. Tell me what you've seen and done. Convince me that I should let you go again."
The fish replied, "Well, when you set me free those many years ago, I was so relieved that I swam for miles and miles. I went to the ocean and explored as much as I was able. I saw wondrous sights and mournful ones. In fact, at one point in a cold, cold region, I swam deep and found a magnificent luxury ship that had sunk years before. I swam through its ballrooms and suites. I examined the craftsmanship of it and the art that hung from it's walls. I was so moved, that I actually wrote a book about the experience."
"Sure ya did," said the fisherman. "You're just trying to con me."
"No, really," replied the fish. "I did write a book. You may have heard of it: The Titanic Verses - by Salmon Rusty."
DD
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Jesus, Moses, and an elderly man are out golfing one day. They come upon a short par 3 hole with a horrible water hazard sitting just a bit back from the green.
Moses tees up, hits the ball, and sees it's headed right for the water. He drops his clubs, holds in hands up in the air and the water parts. The ball hits, rolls up out of the water hazard and just makes it onto the green. He lowers his hands and the water returns to its original resting place.
Jesus tees up, hits the ball, and it too is headed right for the water. The ball hits the water and just skips across the top of it landing a few feet from the hole.
The old man tees up, hits the ball and it drops just short of the water. Just then a frog pops out, grabs the ball, and returns to the water. A pelican then swoops down, snags the frog, circles the hole, drops the frog, and the ball pops out of the frog's mouth and into the hole.
Moses punches Jesus on the shoulder and says, "You really got quit bringing your dad to golf!"
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Doggy Daddy - That's the kind of joke I enjoy.
GigaBuist - Old one, but still pretty good.
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A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long draught, then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.
The Californian looks at him and says, “What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!”
The Texan says, “In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap.”
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.
The Oregonian can’t believe his eyes, “What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of champagne!”
The Californian says, “In California, we have plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.”
So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Californian.
The Texan, shocked, says, “Why the hell did you do that?!”
The Oregonian replies, “In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel.”
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Regolith, that one has got me laughing so damn hard... Great joke. And being an Oregonian with a native's dislike for (most, but not all) Californians, and a real liking for Widmer Hefeweizen, I can certainly appreciate it.
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Regolith, that one has got me laughing so damn hard... Great joke. And being an Oregonian with a native's dislike for (most, but not all) Californians, and a real liking for Widmer Hefeweizen, I can certainly appreciate it.
=D
I'm not a native, but both my parents were (and my grandparents, and my great grandparents...back oh, about 6 or 7 generations). The only reason I was born in Nevada and not Oregon was because my dad got a good job offer out there. Both of my siblings and I came back to go to college in Oregon, and my parents plan on moving back after they retire in the next year or two.
My father to this day hates going into California for any reason. :lol:
His dislike for the state probably wasn't helped any when he got stationed in (I believe) San Francisco after being drafted into the Navy during Vietnam...
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=D
I'm not a native, but both my parents were (and my grandparents, and my great grandparents...back oh, about 6 or 7 generations). The only reason I was born in Nevada and not Oregon was because my dad got a good job offer out there. Both of my siblings and I came back to go to college in Oregon, and my parents plan on moving back after they retire in the next year or two.
My father to this day hates going into California for any reason. :lol:
His dislike for the state probably wasn't helped any when he got stationed in (I believe) San Francisco after being drafted into the Navy during Vietnam...
That darn near makes you a native. :laugh: