Armed Polite Society
Main Forums => The Roundtable => Topic started by: Scout26 on August 22, 2012, 10:42:55 PM
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Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Chicago , there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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Oh, that's good. :D :D :D
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Friggin' SWIPED. (Reposting that one on FB!)
Lemme see what I got in the 'ol jokes file... (fires up air compressor to remove dust.)
Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull.
The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks he's a gettin' any of my cows, well, he's got another think comin'."
The second bull says, "There ain't but 30 cows here that are mine and that new bull sure ain't get any of my cows."
The young bull says, "There ain't but 10 cows here that even know me, but I sure ain't lettin' that new bull have any of 'em."
A few hours later a tractor trailer arrives and the bulls listen as the air brakes let out a whoosh, then the trailer doors open and and the gate lowers what has to be the biggest, meanest, orneriest looking brahma bull they've ever seen. Great big hump on his back, huge horns, froth dripping from his jowls as he stamps and paws at the ground.
The old bull says, "Ya know, I've been thinkin, it's mighty selfish of me to keep all them cows for myself, I might just part with a few of 'em to be neighborly."
The second bull says, "Ya know, I'm thinkin the same thing, no need for me to keep all thirty of them cows to myself, gets to be a mite tiresome."
The young bull lets out a huge snort and starts stamping and pawin' at the ground, raisin' a huge ruckus.
The old bull says, "Woo boy, what's a matter with you? Don't you know that new bull will kill you?"
The young bull says, "I'm just makin' sure that he knows that I'm a bull..."
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Two bulls, standing on a ridge overlooking the cows in the valley.
Young bull says" Let's run down there & service a few of them cows!"
Old bull responds "Let's walk down & service them all."
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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings, "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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When Joe died he saw that there were couples wandering from cloud to cloud together, often holding hands. He noticed that the plainest, simplest men were paired up with women who could have been Miss America in life, and the most plain-Jane horse-faced women were accompanied by he-man body builder types. Joe was curious to see who he would be paired with, and was sure he had, pardon the expression, died and gone to Heaven when an absolutely stunning redhead was brought over and paired up with him for eternity.
Now Joe had not walked the most straight and narrow road while he was alive. The list of sins he committed probably would have filled a few pages of a spiral notebook (college ruled). Some of them were pretty serious. But in spite of that he was being hooked up with someone who made Christina Hendricks look downright frumpy in comparison.
Joe wondered about this, and guessed that there might have been one special thing he had done while he was alive that more than balanced out all his transgressions and allowed him to not only gain entry into Heaven but be paired with such a stunning beauty - but, again pardon the expression, for the life of him he could not think what it might have been. So he asked.
The angel who was hammering shut the chains binding Joe to this redheaded goddess looked up and said, "What makes you think this is Heaven? See this woman here - she's being punished for not getting up and bringing her husband a sammich."
*running for the bunker*
stay safe.
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It was nice knowing you..... =D
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someone who made Christina Hendricks look downright frumpy in comparison.
*running for the bunker*
REDLEG!!! REDLEG!!! FIRE MISSION, OVER !!!!
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;/
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Skid's gonna make me start throwing shoes again. :mad:
:laugh:
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I'll be standing beside you handing them to you LadySmith. ;)
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Super sexy heels only please.
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We'll only throw the ugly shoes we don't like. Unless you're buying us new ones. In which case, we'll submit our preferences.
(LS, pardon me for speaking for you. But I presume you aren't opposed to new shoes.)
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Several really great rejoinders came to mind to pour a little gasoline on the bonfire formerly called vaskidmark...buuuuuut I'll just keep 'em to myself as I might be standing too close to him.
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Do ya' think skidmarks burn????
Shall we experiment????
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let's see, =|...nope [ar15]....nada :mad:....huh, which one of these throws shoes?
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I'll help throwing shoes.
Actually, I prefer boots. More solid, makes a bigger thump when hitting the target.
And i'll throw sexy boots, if your buying. :-*
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Lots of talk, but no action. And I was really looking forward to financing a few purchases via the reselling of footwear to certain affcianados.
I'm going to be away most of the day tomorrow, but Sunday looks good for y'all to come with your wagonloads of footwear. Is it OK if I don't get up out of the recliner when you show up?
stay safe.
PS - Guys, the combination to the safe is written on a slip of paper that's on the sunvisor. Don't let the wimmins know, OK?
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Hey, skid. I only live an hour away. If I wasn't busy sunday, I'd be tempted to show up. :-*
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Actually, I prefer boots. More solid, makes a bigger thump when hitting the target.
The only honest beating I've had in my life was by an angry woman with a pair of freshly shined army boots.
Both in the ROTC, I was finishing shining, she was ironing out the BDUs for a sharp crease. I chuckled to myself and she demanded to know about what. 'And they say there is no place for women in the military.'
In wisdom of years since I know not to begrudge the shoe polish stained bruises, but rather to be thankful she used my boots rather than her hot iron. :laugh:
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One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
:P
How many here are old enough to remember that song? =|
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRkovnss7sg
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One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
:P
How many here are old enough to remember that song? =|
I am, unfortunately.
I think that was the ONLY song Nancy Sinatra released that was any good at all.
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I think that was the ONLY song Nancy Sinatra released that was any good at all.
Define "good". ;)
A Republican, a Libertarian, and a hippie had their boat sink, and have been in their life raft for days when finally a ship approaches. The captain calls out to them. "You can come aboard if you can each answer a question."
"You," the captain says, pointing to the Republican. "What's the best-known shipwreck in history?"
"The Titanic, sir" the Republican says.
"Correct. Come aboard. Now, you", the captain continues, pointing to the Libertarian. "How many were killed on the Titanic?"
Amazingly, the Libertarian knows the answer and shouts it out. "1,517 people, sir."
"Correct. Come aboard." The captain then points to the hippie. "What were their names?"
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She's kinda hot in that video. 46 years ago... :'(
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How many here are old enough to remember that song?
Everybody's old enough to remember that song. I don't know why you old folks think that us young-uns somehow escaped the scourge of your frequently-awful pop music. It is ubiquitous.
Though, for the record, that song is not one of the awful ones.
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Everybody's old enough to remember that song. I don't know why you old folks think that us young-uns somehow escaped the scourge of your frequently-awful pop music. It is ubiquitous.
Though, for the record, that song is not one of the awful ones.
You remember the first time she sang it on Ed Sullivan show ???
:P
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You remember the first time she sang it on Ed Sullivan show ???
Ed Who? ;)
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Fistful was too busy watching the Milton Berle Show to pay attention to some young punk like Ed Sullivan.
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Seen on a red bumper sticker in the Library parking lot:
"If this bumper sticker is blue,
you are going too fast."
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I came in from working on the bike last night and found a note on the fridge. It said, "It's not working, I can't take it anymore. I am going to stay with my mom!!". Well, I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer is still cold. It works fine, I don't know what the hell she is talking about. Women, who can understand them?
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The spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we men can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."