Post by: Perd Hapley on April 02, 2007, 03:29:30 AM
Casa Tejon, early one morning.
Tejon - Ah, my Tejonita. So sweet-smelling you emerge from your morning bath, as a freshly cut flower in spring. Kiss me, dearest.
Tejonita - Oh, you.
Tejon (enters bathroom, stage right) - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Tejonita - My love, what horror has befallen?
Tejon, his voice weak and shaky - What a ruinous development! The neatly folded white towel in the soiled laundry hamper. Whence these black stains?
Tejonita - Sorry, honey, some of my mascara got onto the towel.
Tejon - Out! Out!
Tejonita - But Badger, my only love, wherever shall I go?
Tejon - I don't know! Someplace where people park on the lawn. That's where you belong, you slob.
Exit Tejonita.
Post by: El Tejon on April 02, 2007, 03:40:09 AM
Too much of a cultural clash. She was from TN and I'm a dedicated Yankee. Back to the Dating Pool.
Post by: 280plus on April 02, 2007, 03:54:41 AM
Post by: crt360 on April 02, 2007, 04:40:44 AM
I threw the last one out because she never cleaned my kitchen or bathrooms, left towels on the floor, left dishes in the sink and never took out the trash.
Too much of a cultural clash. She was from TN and I'm a dedicated Yankee. Back to the Dating Pool.
Too much of a cultural clash. She was from TN and I'm a dedicated Yankee. Back to the Dating Pool.
I'm glad you're still with us after such a devastating relationship.
Did she also park her 4x4 on the street with two wheels up on your curb, leave her jet ski trailer in your front yard, hang her muddy waders on your fence to dry, clean fish on your front porch, and hog the TV to watch Inside Nextel Cup?
Post by: Perd Hapley on April 02, 2007, 04:52:59 AM
Post by: crt360 on April 02, 2007, 05:02:47 AM
I'm assuming Tejon doesn't have a porch. I mean, why tempt Southron yahoos to -horrors- sit on it?
True. He probably has no use for one.
Post by: El Tejon on April 02, 2007, 05:09:45 AM
Living like a pig was bad, but it was the "I don't care" attitude that drove me nuts. Not just her slovenly nature from her upbringing but the fact that she was not interested in improving herself. When she dropped out of the PhD program I told her to leave at once.
Oh, well, lose some, win very few.
fistful, not much of a front porch, however I did catch her on the front steps last fall. Thankfully that's the only time she did that!
Post by: CAnnoneer on April 02, 2007, 08:03:06 AM
Post by: wmenorr67 on April 02, 2007, 08:05:25 AM
As a matter of policy, I do not date women that use makeup, have long nails, or paint their nails.
But you do date women? Or is that their policy?
Post by: CAnnoneer on April 02, 2007, 08:09:36 AM
Quote
But you do date women?
Yep, just not that kind. I have discovered experimentally that the amount of makeup scales linearly with the amount of psychological baggage, pretences, demands, irrationality, and bitchyness. On the other hand, less makeup seems to correlate well with far more agreeable and independent personalities.
Post by: RadioFreeSeaLab on April 02, 2007, 08:23:27 AM
Yep, just not that kind. I have discovered experimentally that the amount of makeup scales linearly with the amount of psychological baggage, pretences, demands, irrationality, and bitchyness. On the other hand, less makeup seems to correlate well with far more agreeable and independent personalities.
Post by: El Tejon on April 02, 2007, 08:25:31 AM
Post by: Headless Thompson Gunner on April 02, 2007, 08:28:15 AM
Quote
But you do date women?
Yep, just not that kind. I have discovered experimentally that the amount of makeup scales linearly with the amount of psychological baggage, pretences, demands, irrationality, and bitchyness. On the other hand, less makeup seems to correlate well with far more agreeable and independent personalities.
Post by: De Selby on April 02, 2007, 08:33:11 AM
-Big, muscular arms, so you know she can carry her own groceries and books and take care of herself
-Broad, muscular shoulders that lend themselves well to intimidating potential attackers, so you won't have to go everywhere with her risking your own hide to scare all those thugs away
-Tightly cropped hair, so you know she won't spend hours in the bathroom washing, drying, and brushing
-Leathered face, so she can go outdoors with you any time you want without you having to worry about her getting sunburned...if you forget the sunblock, no worries
-crooked, yellow teeth, so you know her parents weren't the freakishly detail oriented types to saddle her with braces and make her paranoid about toothbrushing.
-Calloused, strong hands with short fingernails, so she'll be able to help out with home projects and handle guns without breaking a nail.
The list goes on...now I understand no one's perfect, and we could add requirement after requirement, but I think the above are just the essentials.
Post by: RadioFreeSeaLab on April 02, 2007, 09:30:37 AM
Post by: CAnnoneer on April 02, 2007, 10:51:07 AM
Post by: CNYCacher on April 02, 2007, 11:00:25 AM
Yeah, it's good to have a policy to cover all sorts of things you need in a woman:
-Big, muscular arms, so you know she can carry her own groceries and books and take care of herself
-Broad, muscular shoulders that lend themselves well to intimidating potential attackers, so you won't have to go everywhere with her risking your own hide to scare all those thugs away
-Tightly cropped hair, so you know she won't spend hours in the bathroom washing, drying, and brushing
-Leathered face, so she can go outdoors with you any time you want without you having to worry about her getting sunburned...if you forget the sunblock, no worries
-crooked, yellow teeth, so you know her parents weren't the freakishly detail oriented types to saddle her with braces and make her paranoid about toothbrushing.
-Calloused, strong hands with short fingernails, so she'll be able to help out with home projects and handle guns without breaking a nail.
The list goes on...now I understand no one's perfect, and we could add requirement after requirement, but I think the above are just the essentials.
-Big, muscular arms, so you know she can carry her own groceries and books and take care of herself
-Broad, muscular shoulders that lend themselves well to intimidating potential attackers, so you won't have to go everywhere with her risking your own hide to scare all those thugs away
-Tightly cropped hair, so you know she won't spend hours in the bathroom washing, drying, and brushing
-Leathered face, so she can go outdoors with you any time you want without you having to worry about her getting sunburned...if you forget the sunblock, no worries
-crooked, yellow teeth, so you know her parents weren't the freakishly detail oriented types to saddle her with braces and make her paranoid about toothbrushing.
-Calloused, strong hands with short fingernails, so she'll be able to help out with home projects and handle guns without breaking a nail.
The list goes on...now I understand no one's perfect, and we could add requirement after requirement, but I think the above are just the essentials.
I bet you don't suffer from claustrophobia. . .
Post by: Perd Hapley on April 02, 2007, 11:07:45 AM
Post by: Matthew Carberry on April 02, 2007, 11:42:51 AM
After all, dost not the prophecy of Belafonte I say:
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you."
Post by: De Selby on April 02, 2007, 01:07:08 PM
Hey now, I think shootin's on to something.
After all, dost not the prophecy of Belafonte I say:
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you."
After all, dost not the prophecy of Belafonte I say:
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you."
I'm certain that if Socrates had written a pop song, this would be it.
Post by: The Rabbi on April 02, 2007, 02:44:08 PM
Hey now, I think shootin's on to something.
After all, dost not the prophecy of Belafonte I say:
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you."
After all, dost not the prophecy of Belafonte I say:
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you."
I'm certain that if Socrates had written a pop song, this would be it.
His student Plato knew from bitchy women.
Post by: Ben on April 02, 2007, 04:29:10 PM
Post by: CAnnoneer on April 02, 2007, 04:37:33 PM
Quote
I think Socrates had the worse wife. I believe Xanthippe (sp?) his wife's name, translates to scolding shrew. Good thing he was a philosopher...
That's one of the ways to become a philosopher.
Post by: De Selby on April 02, 2007, 06:39:52 PM
That was in the pre-makeup age, so he probably did just fine with it.
My vote for unluckiest guy in the world is Jeremy Chatelain. Not only is his wife young, beautiful, and a pop star...she wears make-up, is a professional dancer, and probably spends tons of time taking care of herself to maintain her appearance....AND she's French. The horror!
Post by: Matthew Carberry on April 02, 2007, 06:46:52 PM
A scolding shrew for a wife?
That was in the pre-makeup age, so he probably did just fine with it.
My vote for unluckiest guy in the world is Jeremy Chatelain. Not only is his wife young, beautiful, and a pop star...she wears make-up, is a professional dancer, and probably spends tons of time taking care of herself to maintain her appearance....AND she's French. The horror!
That was in the pre-makeup age, so he probably did just fine with it.
My vote for unluckiest guy in the world is Jeremy Chatelain. Not only is his wife young, beautiful, and a pop star...she wears make-up, is a professional dancer, and probably spends tons of time taking care of herself to maintain her appearance....AND she's French. The horror!
For anyone else with no freakin' clue....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J%C3%A9r%C3%A9my_Ch%C3%A2telain
Post by: De Selby on April 02, 2007, 06:48:24 PM
Here's his probably awful SO:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alizée
Post by: Matthew Carberry on April 02, 2007, 06:51:31 PM
But why in the hell do you know who her husband is?
Post by: De Selby on April 02, 2007, 06:55:50 PM
Quote
But why in the hell do you know who her husband is?
I uhmm....thought of how uh unlucky she would make a man when I read this thread. So I ummm...googled, yeah, that's it
I swear.
Post by: Matthew Carberry on April 02, 2007, 07:06:27 PM
Quote
But why in the hell do you know who her husband is?
I uhmm....thought of how uh unlucky she would make a man when I read this thread. So I ummm...googled, yeah, that's it
I swear.
Weirdo.
Post by: 280plus on April 03, 2007, 12:52:41 AM
Hey now, I think shootin's on to something.
After all, dost not the prophecy of Belafonte I say:
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you."
"Man, your wife is UGLY!" After all, dost not the prophecy of Belafonte I say:
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you."
"Yea, but she sure can cook!"
Post by: gunsmith on April 03, 2007, 01:03:27 AM
Post by: LadySmith on April 03, 2007, 01:31:55 AM
my ex hardly ever wore make up, one day, she was angry at me...she called the cops and said I had loaded guns in my room and I was holed up in there making threats! (I was sleeping) I had to deal with tons of cops trying to explain I had just been sleeping....but at least she hardly ever wore make up!
WTF?!?
Post by: LadySmith on April 03, 2007, 01:48:04 AM
Quote
Does your wife/girlfriend/Filipina indentured servant leave mascara on the bath towels?
Were the towels white? For some reason whenever I wear a white shirt I get this strange urge to work on my car. Or eat spaghetti.
Post by: wmenorr67 on April 03, 2007, 03:54:21 AM
Quote
Does your wife/girlfriend/Filipina indentured servant leave mascara on the bath towels?
Were the towels white? For some reason whenever I wear a white shirt I get this strange urge to work on my car. Or eat spaghetti.What about participating in wet t-shirt contests?
Post by: charby on April 03, 2007, 05:30:35 AM
my ex hardly ever wore make up, one day, she was angry at me...she called the cops and said I had loaded guns in my room and I was holed up in there making threats! (I was sleeping) I had to deal with tons of cops trying to explain I had just been sleeping....but at least she hardly ever wore make up!
Must be a popular thing...
A friend of mine used to drive over the road, came home early from a trip and caught his wife in bed with some guy. He filed for divorce shortly afterwards, his soon to be ex wife promptly filed a restraining order against him because she said felt threatened by him because he owned firearms and had one in his semi.
-C
Post by: roo_ster on April 03, 2007, 06:49:11 AM
Also, if I followed everybody else's advice on what I ought to require in a mate, I'd be with someone who is perfect....for someone else.
Post by: Perd Hapley on April 03, 2007, 07:00:39 AM
If mascara on the towels is the worst of it, be thankful.
It pretty much is, and I am.
Post by: 280plus on April 03, 2007, 07:14:35 AM
my ex hardly ever wore make up, one day, she was angry at me...she called the cops and said I had loaded guns in my room and I was holed up in there making threats! (I was sleeping) I had to deal with tons of cops trying to explain I had just been sleeping....but at least she hardly ever wore make up!
Must be a popular thing...
A friend of mine used to drive over the road, came home early from a trip and caught his wife in bed with some guy. He filed for divorce shortly afterwards, his soon to be ex wife promptly filed a restraining order against him because she said felt threatened by him because he owned firearms and had one in his semi.
-C
The bright side, he thinks my safe is a good place to stash them. Naturally I'll be required to do regular operational tests on them to ensure reliability.
Too bad their all Berrettas...