Post by: Balog on July 17, 2007, 07:02:16 PM
July 16, 2007 | Issue 43"29
AMES, IAIn an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in Iowa Monday: a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office.
Enlarge Image John Edwards
In Iowa, Edwards speaks with conviction about his lifelong distaste for bad things.
"Many bad things are not just badthey're terrible," said a beaming Edwards, whose "Only the Good Things" proposal builds upon previous efforts to end poverty, outlaw startlingly loud noises, and offer tax breaks to those who smile frequently. "Other candidates have plans that would reduce some of the bad things, but I want all of them gone completely."
According to Edwards, his plan is composed of three steps. Everyday bad things, such as curse words and splinters, would be eradicated during his first six months in office. Next, very bad things, including child abduction, soil erosion, and resurgent diseases such as malaria and tuberculosis, would be ended by the the end of 2009. Finally, extremely bad thingsplights such as genocide, species extinction, and virtually every form of cancerwould take a full two years to wipe out.
"Racism will soon be a thing of the past," Edwards said. "Same goes for being picked last for playground athletics, AIDS, robbery, not having enough spending money, and murder. Because these things are bad and not good, I promise they will be eliminated."
Other bad things the 2004 vice-presidential nominee vowed to end include the housing crisis, skinned knees, frowns, steep staircases, jailbreaks, water that is too cold to swim in, pain, traffic, being tired in the morning, sprained ankles, hunger, not having enough energy at night, teen pregnancy, cases of the blahs, thunder, the high cost of admission to events, type 2 diabetes, games of tic-tac-toe with no clear winner, the lack of parking in urban areas, forgetting birthdays, child prostitution, and confusion.
"Imagine a world free of procrastination, class disparity, and itchiness," Edwards said. "It will only be possible if we try."
Edwards told the gathered audience that the second half of his presidential term would be devoted to a $125 billion effort to supplant the abolished bad things with good things, such as flowers, the laughter of children, butterflies, sunny days, financial stability, Skittles, and medicine.
Though some Democrats are applauding the positivity of Edwards' pro-good agenda, critics say that the wealthy former trial lawyer is, at best, paying lip service to the issue.
"This is certainly a step in the right direction, but it's not enough," Daily Kos contributor BitchingPoints wrote hours after Edwards' announcement. "Where in Mr. Edwards' list of bad things does it mention poisonous snakes, nasty red wine stains on rugs, trolls, and noisy neighbors? Edwards has left the door wide open for a rival candidate to outflank him on his own issue by introducing a comprehensive plan that fills these gaping holes."
Republican front-runner Rudolph Giuliani attacked Edwards Tuesday for labeling things as bad when they may actually turn out to be good in the long run.
"Is 'shooting' always a bad thing?" Giuliani said. "I think such a position would undercut not only our soldiers in Iraq, but also law enforcement officers who put their lives on the line every day, not to mention our basic Second Amendment rights."
Added Giuliani: "On a personal note, I rather like cloudy days, and I don't want to live in a world where they don't exist."
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/john_edwards_vows_to_end_all_bad
Post by: mountainclmbr on July 17, 2007, 08:16:38 PM
Post by: LadySmith on July 18, 2007, 02:35:46 AM
Quote
"Is 'shooting' always a bad thing?" Giuliani said. "I think such a position would undercut not only our soldiers in Iraq, but also law enforcement officers who put their lives on the line every day, not to mention our basic Second Amendment rights."
That's when I knew it was satire.
Post by: HankB on July 18, 2007, 03:46:29 AM
Post by: charby on July 18, 2007, 04:50:19 AM
-charby
Post by: Bogie on July 18, 2007, 05:00:49 AM
Post by: HankB on July 18, 2007, 05:20:56 AM
I knew it as soon as I read the headline. Y'all need to get out more...
Or maybe we've seen/heard more from politicians that is ridiculous and absurd than you have . . . (After a statement like that, I don't know which smiley is more appropriate -
or 
)
Post by: charby on July 18, 2007, 05:54:56 AM
I knew it as soon as I read the headline. Y'all need to get out more...
Bogie
Since Iowa is still first in the nation, regarding presidential races with our caucus, politicians always seem to deliver speeches/promises here that can be compared to a farm wagon full of horse manure. Some times even the politician is the jackass pulling the cart.
We get some far fetched press stories here in the year up to the caucus, which is why I started to get pissy about the story until I read the link at the bottom.
-C
Post by: Perd Hapley on July 18, 2007, 12:01:53 PM
Post by: Balog on July 18, 2007, 06:53:39 PM
Satire? You mean John Edwards WON'T end all the bad things by 2011?
Naw, the eeevvviilll 'pubbies will keep him from it. But if you re-elect him in 2012.......
Post by: Moondoggie on July 18, 2007, 07:16:27 PM
Edwards = Lenin with a much better haircut.
Michael Moore would probably be his homeland security czar.
Post by: LadySmith on July 19, 2007, 03:38:21 AM
I knew it as soon as I read the headline. Y'all need to get out more...
Hey, I live in a State where they're trying to pass gun microstamping, basically outlaw ammo, tried to outlaw the parental spanking of children & tried to make it illegal to possess an unneutered animal. It surprises me more when Onion-type articles turn out not to be true. 
Post by: wmenorr67 on July 19, 2007, 03:52:32 AM
I knew it as soon as I read the headline. Y'all need to get out more...
Hey, I live in a State where they're trying to pass gun microstamping, basically outlaw ammo, tried to outlaw the parental spanking of children & tried to make it illegal to possess an unneutered animal. It surprises me more when Onion-type articles turn out not to be true. Ladysmith you need to get out period. Move to the light before we wall that "state" off and let Mexico have it back.
Post by: mountainclmbr on July 19, 2007, 07:12:43 AM
Flight attendant: In the event of an emergency I need to know if those sitting in the exit rows could open the emergency door if instructed by the crew?
Me: Yes
All others except one: Yes
Flight attendant (to hispanic man sitting in 2nd exit row directly behind me): Sir, I need to know if you could open the emergency door if instructed by the crew?
Hispanic man behind me: Blank stare, says nothing.
Flight attendant: Sir, I need to know if you could open the emergency door if instructed by the crew? If you can't understand me I will need you to move to another seat.
Hispanic man behind me: Again, blank stare, says nothing.
Flight attendant: Sir, I need to move you to another seat.
2nd hispanic man sitting beside him: He says yes.
Flight attendant: I need to hear him say that. (Repeats question again).
Hispanic man behind me: Again, blank stare, says nothing.
The flight attendant had to pull him out of his seat to the new seat. He looked totally confused. The bilingual hispanic man did not help explain what was happening.
I am beginning to see many hispanics in LA wearing Che shirts. Edwards supporters for sure. Or maybe Kucinich.
Post by: HankB on July 19, 2007, 11:22:16 AM
. . . I am beginning to see many hispanics in LA wearing Che shirts. . .
I noticed that in a newspaper picture of a protest rally some Hispanics were holding . . . on May 1. Mayday rally, Che shirts . . . hmmmm . . .
Post by: Manedwolf on July 19, 2007, 12:33:43 PM
