Post by: Firethorn on November 05, 2007, 06:13:24 AM
I mean, he's awfully close to children, might be a pred. In addition, he's heavily obese and wears a lot of clothing, yet remains maneuverable enough to get down chimneys.
Post by: 280plus on November 05, 2007, 06:14:24 AM
Post by: K Frame on November 05, 2007, 06:15:01 AM
Post by: Tallpine on November 05, 2007, 06:15:40 AM
Post by: 280plus on November 05, 2007, 06:16:38 AM
Post by: K Frame on November 05, 2007, 06:18:38 AM
St. Nicks Visit to My Montana Compound
Twas the night before Christmas, and I was so pissed,
I was doing my work, and checking my list,
to see who was good, and who still sucked rocks,
Smith & Wessons still bad, Im dumping Ruger's stock.
Then out on the perimeter, there came a loud yell,
some cursing, and screaming, and the sound of sleigh bells.
Some snorting and pawing, and a red blinking light,
Some one was in the barbed wire, and hung up real tight.
I grabbed my .50, and to the embrasure did dash,
jammed an eye to the scope, and focused the glass.
I dialed him in, and drew a solid bead,
he was stuck in real good, there was no need for lead.
I had him right there, he was dead in my sights,
I knew it just then, it was going to be a good night.
For there in the wire, hung fat old St. Nick,
And some nice juicy reindeer, from which I could pick.
I grabbed the microphone, and yelled in the PA,
Hey there, fat boy, what did you bring me today?
I want a new Dillon, and some 231,
some once-fired cases, and a Beeman pellet gun!
You take that there bag, and drop it off of the sleight,
Unharness the reindeer, and you can just walk away.
Theres just no need, for you to get hurt,
But Ive told you before, this here is MY turf!
Then the veins on the forehead, popped out really far,
The next thing I knew, he had whipped out a BAR,
He pulled free of the wire, and ripped off a long burst,
Bullets were flying, and kicking up dirt.
Irwin you nut, you crazy SOB!
Im trying to bring presents, for under your tree!
I just want to drop, and then I will go,
I wont even set foot, on your precious compound, you know!
Every year we do this, its the same damn thing,
You snipe my reindeer, and try to take me on the wing!
Well Im tired of this crap, you can kiss my jolly ass!
Youre nothing but a troll, Ive never seen someone so crass!
And then with a curse, he jumped in his sleigh,
Threw some presents overboard, and got under way.
And I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
What next, Claymores? What a crappy crappy night!
Post by: CAnnoneer on November 05, 2007, 06:39:25 AM
Post by: K Frame on November 05, 2007, 06:55:05 AM
And, often as not, I wake up the day after Christmas to find 50 pounds of reindeer poop on my roof...
Post by: charby on November 05, 2007, 07:12:29 AM
Santa Claus, shoot, shovel and shut-up. .357 Magnum should be plenty to shoot his fat ass with when he slides into your hearth.
Then belly crawl like John Kerry out the front with your turdy-turdy and pick off the reindeer. Start from the back of the hitch and work your way to Rudolph. The Alvin York method of turkey hunting and killing Germans.
Sell the sleigh and all the toys in it on EBay. Revel in your new found wealth, spend it all on hookers and blow.
Post by: Brad Johnson on November 05, 2007, 07:47:42 AM
Quote
CHRISTMAS PHYSICS
There are approximately 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. Santa doesn't (appear) to handle children of families who hold to faiths other than Christianity including, but not limited to, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children. This reduces the overall workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau as of the date of this analysis. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that calculates to 91.8 million homes. We will presume one Good child per household. The Naughty/Nice child ratio was not validated for this analysis.
Assuming Santa travels east to west (the most logical choice), and calculating for planetary rotation and different time zones, Santa has 31 full hours in which to finish his Christmasly duties. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. To clarify, this means that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), this calculated to approximately .78 miles per household for a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to feed and rest the reindeer, eat, and do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at a brisk 650 miles per second - approximately 3000 times the speed of sound at sea level. For further reference, that speed (2.34 million miles per hour in more everyday parlance) is 126.5 times faster than the orbital velocity of the Space Shuttle. For comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle ever constructed, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run approximately 15 miles per hour. Tops.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. ssuming each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise liner Queen Elizabeth and twice the weight of a fully laden modern supertanker. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance, heating the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, it is no wonder that Rudolph's nose glows!! Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force - enough force to cause steel to flow like a viscous liquid.
Presuming that proven scientific facts are incontrovertable and that simple physics dictates the above conditions, we must conclude that, if there ever really was a Santa, he’s dead now.
Post by: Jamisjockey on November 05, 2007, 08:30:49 AM
Post by: Regolith on November 05, 2007, 11:38:21 AM
Post by: Strings on November 05, 2007, 11:54:29 AM
Bun-Bun!
http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=031019 looks like a good place to start out...
Post by: Fly320s on November 05, 2007, 11:58:25 AM
Post by: CAnnoneer on November 05, 2007, 12:59:06 PM
"They killed Nickie! You bastards!
"Look Timmy, it is raining presents! What's the matter, Stan? You don't like presents?"
"Shuddup, Cartman, you a-hole!"
Post by: Ben on November 05, 2007, 02:29:14 PM
Post by: Perd Hapley on November 05, 2007, 02:33:56 PM
I guess Cannoneer and Strings get big lumps of coal, but have you people seen the prices on petrol these days? Put the coal to good use, and leave the fat man alone.
Post by: Strings on November 05, 2007, 02:49:45 PM
Do we have a rail handy to run him out on?
Post by: RevDisk on November 05, 2007, 02:54:15 PM
If the old fart is airborne, wouldn't a Stinger be most appropriate?
"They killed Nickie! You bastards!
"Look Timmy, it is raining presents! What's the matter, Stan? You don't like presents?"
"Shuddup, Cartman, you a-hole!"
"They killed Nickie! You bastards!
"Look Timmy, it is raining presents! What's the matter, Stan? You don't like presents?"
"Shuddup, Cartman, you a-hole!"
I'm thinking MK 15 Phalanx Close-In Weapons System.
Post by: Jamisjockey on November 05, 2007, 03:27:31 PM
If the old fart is airborne, wouldn't a Stinger be most appropriate?
"They killed Nickie! You bastards!
"Look Timmy, it is raining presents! What's the matter, Stan? You don't like presents?"
"Shuddup, Cartman, you a-hole!"
"They killed Nickie! You bastards!
"Look Timmy, it is raining presents! What's the matter, Stan? You don't like presents?"
"Shuddup, Cartman, you a-hole!"
I'm thinking MK 15 Phalanx Close-In Weapons System.
Them Reindeer have horns...don't let 'em get that close.
Post by: Fly320s on November 05, 2007, 04:06:17 PM
Post by: charby on November 05, 2007, 04:08:03 PM
Fistful just exposed himself: he's one of them PETS people (People for the Ethical Treatment of Santa).
Do we have a rail handy to run him out on?
Do we have a rail handy to run him out on?
Blanket Party!!!
Post by: Paddy on November 05, 2007, 04:09:19 PM
Post by: CAnnoneer on November 05, 2007, 04:43:00 PM
WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING HIM?
He was coming right for us!!
Post by: Perd Hapley on November 05, 2007, 04:43:37 PM
Fistful just exposed himself.
Hey, those charges were dropped. I've started wearing a robe when I go out for the mail, now.
Post by: RevDisk on November 05, 2007, 04:50:38 PM
I'm thinking MK 15 Phalanx Close-In Weapons System.
Them Reindeer have horns...don't let 'em get that close.
"Officer, some creepy fat guy with a fetish for animals and young children that tried to break into my place. So I defended myself with a 25mm radar guided chaingun typically mounted on naval vessels. I fail to see the big deal."
Might work...
Post by: drewtam on November 05, 2007, 05:01:45 PM
He knows if you've been sleeping,
he knows when you're on the can,
he'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.
Oh, You'd better not breathe, you'd better not move,
you're better off Dead, I'm telling you, dude.
Santa Claus is gunning you down!
~Traditional Xmas song
Xmas Story, Futurama
Post by: sm on November 07, 2007, 06:08:51 PM
I was raised this was just a December Target Opportunity.
Huh!
I always wondered how come some kids got new stuff in Dec and I didn't.
Then again these kids were not up in the wee hours having fun either.
I'm still partial to slugs from a shotgun...
One can set out out fake cookies and milk and it is like shooting ducks over decoys.
or
Set out fake chimneys, and it is like shooting ducks in flooded timber.
Fun no matter which we one does this...
Post by: Strings on November 07, 2007, 06:39:05 PM
There's a bigger question here than "what caliber?"... anybody have any good elf recipes?
Post by: sm on November 07, 2007, 06:46:28 PM
"Sport" is getting to shoot.
"Stupid" is a Fat Guy in Red Suit and 8 Meat on the Hoofs falling for the fake milk, cookies and chimneys...
There is a difference ...
Post by: 280plus on November 08, 2007, 03:21:42 AM
Dead elf and a mug of root beer...
Post by: Jamisjockey on November 08, 2007, 03:32:24 AM
Rather than try and hit Santa with a standoff weapon.......
First I'm going to don my Ghille suit.
Then I'm going to paint every exposed surface of my skin with camo skin paint.
All night Christmas Eve I'm going to work my K-bar over a whetsone.
And when I hear bells, I'm going to crawl under the Christmas Tree.
While the jolly fat man is placing gifts in the stockings, with his back to the tree, I'm going to slip out from underneath it.
I'm going to draw my Kbar from its sheath.
Then, I will grab the fat man by the mouth, pull back on his head, and jab that long, cold steel blade down into his throat!
Merry Christmas!
Post by: Harold Tuttle on November 08, 2007, 05:21:48 AM
I find it best to leave the Sprites, Pixies and Elves alone
Santa's an immortal, with associates in the animal kingdom
Ya wanna have a re enactment of the movie Willard in your bedroom?
F with Santa and see what fresh hell he can unleash.
Post by: atomd on November 08, 2007, 06:02:28 AM
Quote
I've had a serious change of heart.
Rather than try and hit Santa with a standoff weapon.......
First I'm going to don my Ghille suit.
Then I'm going to paint every exposed surface of my skin with camo skin paint.
All night Christmas Eve I'm going to work my K-bar over a whetsone.
And when I hear bells, I'm going to crawl under the Christmas Tree.
Rather than try and hit Santa with a standoff weapon.......
First I'm going to don my Ghille suit.
Then I'm going to paint every exposed surface of my skin with camo skin paint.
All night Christmas Eve I'm going to work my K-bar over a whetsone.
And when I hear bells, I'm going to crawl under the Christmas Tree.
Do they make tinsel Ghille suits for the holidays?
Post by: Firethorn on November 09, 2007, 05:34:23 AM
Do they make tinsel Ghille suits for the holidays?
Bah, real MN's make their own Ghille suits!
Post by: atomd on November 09, 2007, 11:04:36 AM
Post by: Firethorn on November 09, 2007, 06:13:33 PM
Real men don't do arts and crafts projects with tinsel!
Who said anything about real men? I'm talking about Mall Ninjas here!
Post by: 280plus on November 10, 2007, 05:30:00 AM
Haven't heard much from Sticky lately, have we?
Post by: Harold Tuttle on November 10, 2007, 01:10:34 PM
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0277727/
Post by: Tecumseh on November 10, 2007, 09:52:37 PM
Post by: grislyatoms on November 11, 2007, 05:28:40 AM
Isn't it obvious?
You will need a "Red Ryder carbine-action 200 shot range model air rifle"
Post by: Perd Hapley on November 11, 2007, 08:35:20 AM
Whats a good caliber for Jesus is what I been asking myself? Suggestions...
Do you mean the pre-resurrection Jesus? Shouldn't need anything special, although it will only keep Him down for so long. If you mean the current, post-res Jesus, well, I don't think anything will do you much good. In any case, you could only shoot Him if He wanted to let you. I hope that helps.
Post by: 280plus on November 12, 2007, 04:32:10 PM
Post by: Perd Hapley on November 12, 2007, 06:29:11 PM
Ooooh, I am so offended. One word for you, 280. Fatwah. How you like me now?
Post by: jeepmor on November 12, 2007, 06:42:58 PM