Post by: 280plus on October 17, 2005, 06:08:52 AM
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER. She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS. She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
AND FOR THE LADIES...
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN! DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ass - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of the back of his
pants....It is MALE CLEAVAGE
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 06:44:08 AM
I dunno, life was simpler before PC and Acronyms.
Gubmint didn't seem to meddle so much, and folks just didn't give a hoot about "sensitivities", maybe Flouride in the water got folks thin skinned.
PC also makes me think Personal Computers> Microsoft>Windows. More I get into this 'puter stuff, and required to use of MS the more I hate Windows, and the two letters-"PC".
Nope back when, Folks were just dumb as a brick and uglier than sin. Not gender specific, stereotype, or anything- just a fact of life was all...
Post by: 280plus on October 17, 2005, 07:04:24 AM
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 07:37:41 AM
Still waiting for Barbara to post tho' .
Post by: 280plus on October 17, 2005, 07:49:54 AM
Quote
Still waiting for Barbara to post tho'
I'll be hiding under my bed, let me know when it's over!
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 08:10:33 AM
Barbara - I founded him for you....
Post by: 280plus on October 17, 2005, 08:16:20 AM
Post by: matis on October 17, 2005, 08:17:46 AM
_____________________________________________________________
Quote: 280plus
I'll be hiding under my bed, let me know when it's over!
______________________________________________________
OK! OK!
Now I really mean business!
SOMEBODY is gonna HAVE TO re-imburse me!
For my Fruit-of-the-Looms.
(you made me p/ss up the old pair!)
matis
Post by: grampster on October 17, 2005, 09:41:44 AM
Post by: Brad Johnson on October 17, 2005, 11:39:32 AM
Flameproof underwear *ON*
Lime jello *O.. oh, uh... wrong forum
Brad
Post by: 280plus on October 17, 2005, 11:52:11 AM
DOH!! Now I bumped it.
Frantically searching for old flame proof undies...They MUST be around here somewhere
Post by: telewinz on October 17, 2005, 12:14:07 PM
Post by: grampster on October 17, 2005, 12:50:16 PM
Post by: The Rabbi on October 17, 2005, 12:56:47 PM
-Ancient Chinese Proverb.
Post by: Monkeyleg on October 17, 2005, 01:46:33 PM
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 02:15:33 PM
(ps. Those were really, really lame. You're going to have to do better than that.)
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 02:25:29 PM
Quote
Women Speak in Estrogen - Men Listen in Testosterone
Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Grocies:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Grocies:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Post by: grampster on October 17, 2005, 02:30:20 PM
And she never took a breathe, either. heh.
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 02:32:48 PM
Post by: grampster on October 17, 2005, 02:36:07 PM
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 02:45:54 PM
Post by: telewinz on October 17, 2005, 02:48:55 PM
Post by: Winston Smith on October 17, 2005, 02:51:25 PM
Post by: MaterDei on October 17, 2005, 02:52:58 PM
Quote from: Barbara
I was merely suggesting that you should use two hands.
But then he couldn't type.Oh, I get it. Yes, good plan. Use two hands grampster.
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 02:57:21 PM
Post by: 280plus on October 17, 2005, 03:00:51 PM
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 03:03:08 PM
Post by: grampster on October 17, 2005, 03:19:00 PM
Post by: 280plus on October 17, 2005, 03:34:51 PM
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 03:37:15 PM
I've been trying to drink it for health reasons but it tastes a lot like I imagine worn socks would.
Post by: 280plus on October 17, 2005, 03:52:24 PM
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 03:54:07 PM
Barbara's post confirms it. I am not a "typical male". Okay, I am not "typical" anything.
I don't like cats, I admit that. I do like dogs, I spoil dogs and they me.
Grocery store: I keep a list of stuff I use up during the week. I do not wait until I am completely "bare fridge and cupboard". Yes I have gotten in the mood for something or found a recipe and planned ahead to have the stuff to make it.
Noticed the eyes of a lady toward something of interest, listened to her mentioning something, taken note of a page opened in a catalog - and without the gift giving day dealie - just bought it and surprised her with it for no apparent reason.
Yes I have taken a Precriptives Eyebrown pencil into the Cosmetic Getting Store, " Hi, I need another one just like this one" , bought it and surprised a lady. Done that with other items from the 437 other assorted items in the bathroom too...
I look at the Cosemetic counter, or wherever and peruse, read labels, and overhear conversations...I learn. So when asked if I have seen her Item # 247..."yeah sure - It is behind the Eyebrow Curler, Curling Iron, and the shell shaped dish with the scented Lilac soaps".
I am the only guy I know that bought his gal a brand new for her own use, ...l-o-n-g tool getter, you know the one with retractable claws. Yep sure did. Earrings and whatever will find a toliet, or end up the far reaches of a bathroom, especially when in a hurry, and all dressed up, make-up on. Saves getting hands wet, runs in hose, and all sorts of other things. Only gal I knew that was so appreciative and shared with her lady friends. "Honey...do you recommend Home Depot or Sears...I'm going to be late...some ladies are going to get one them 'earring getters' and I said I would go with them to point it out..." Explains why Sears had a run on those one night...
I bet Barbara does not have one of these...bet she gets one.
Then again I have never figured out how to get a dog to mop a floor. I mean I have tried, had the gal even assist with this training. Makes for a fun evening with a dog, two adults laughing , and a mop with a 12" handle...
The dog just wants to hold onto to mop part and be pulled around in circles...floor gets kinda mopped, and yes the disposable camera takes great pics of this...
It was snowing, the dog tracked in...fireplace going, and well...something to do.
Typical - not me.
Post by: 280plus on October 17, 2005, 04:19:38 PM
Sounds like something that should involve good local wine. IMHO anyways...
Post by: grampster on October 17, 2005, 04:33:02 PM
Local Meijer may have it. Sam's Club usually has it. Pretty blue bottle. Nice for kitchen accents after polishing it off.
Post by: Guest on October 17, 2005, 04:38:17 PM
Dog just wants to chew on the handle.
Err...short handle for a reason, right handy size on the small mops for cleaning stuff. Longer part gets a hook screwed into it so you can reach the attic access easier.
Mop part also reminds dog of a toy he has...just with a handle the adults can keep a holt on better to play tug a war, or be pulled around.
Kinda explains why we went to a sponge mop for most mopping. Nothing like a dog doing the mad dash into a floor being mopped...skidding into cabinets , getting no traction with paws, and bouncing into the cotton mop. Once he has hold - he ain't letting go. It is play time..."whaddya mean using my mop to actually mop a floor".
Wife comes home...
"Honey"
"Yes dear'
"Why does the Dog smell like Simple Green?"
"Because I mopped the Floor".
"What has that got to do with the dog smelling like Simple Green?'
"He helped"
"Oh...OH!"
Wife exits room laughing so hard she pees herself...
Post by: Monkeyleg on October 17, 2005, 06:39:57 PM
Barbara knows what she's talking about.
Touche', Barbara.
Post by: Headless Thompson Gunner on October 17, 2005, 07:38:17 PM
I'm priviledged. My girl was raised in a family of two men, no female influences whatsoever.
She owns exactly three pairs of shoes, she doesn't wear makeup, she doesn't understand the point of gossiping or going to the bathroom in a herd. She doesn't get moody or hold a grudge and expect me to "know" that she's pissed - if she's pissed she'll tell me straight up. She understands the deeper significance of the Colts being 6-0 this season. She has absolutely no self esteem issues.
I figure she's just about perfect: beautiful, female, and easy to get along with!
Post by: Winston Smith on October 17, 2005, 07:51:21 PM
Post by: natedog on October 17, 2005, 09:36:54 PM
Sadly true.
Post by: Seymour Skinner on October 18, 2005, 12:07:40 AM
Quote
Maturity: Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Now I know this was written by a woman, (probably a single one) because as any of you know who have daughters, that is 100% the opposite of the truth. What's funny, is teenage girls BELIEVE that to such an extent that sometimes they convince their moms (and even dads) of that B.S.Quote
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
I would expect to hear this one uttered at the bingo parlor by Mavis and Blanche, whose husband died in 1962 and their kids never come to visit them at the home.Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Quote
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
This one's from the realms of the clueless who watch too much T.V. (the source of the porche reference) and could benefit from a refresher in biology 101.Quote
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
This one is nonsensical (besides being 180 degrees from reality). Women tend to make some of their generalizations based on something they saw one man do ONE TIME. They tell their girlfriends, who will agree with ANYTHING critical of men and then it becomes gospel. Since most men are afraid to correct women, these women go years (or a lifetime) believing it's true. This notion that guys will start "throwing" in $20s, won't admit they want their change back, and don't carry $10s, $5s, or $1s is from the bizarro universe.When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Quote
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Uh huh, that must be why women don't like to go shopping, because they hate toys so much Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
. More proof that when women try to use the power of generalizations, they make a few good observations, but also have frequent negligent discharges. The "car phones" reference maybe was true in 1987, but is ironically hysterical nowadays that every double X chromosome is walking around with a cell phone surgically bolted to her head. The monthly bill for that "toy" cell phone for most women would buy me new tools for my woodshop over the course of a year.As if it wasn't already obvious that the list was originally written by an old single bitty, the "D batteries" reference in a section about how ONLY men love their "toys" had me rolling.
Post by: Guest on October 18, 2005, 12:23:32 AM
Sometimes they're pretty damned funny though.
Post by: 280plus on October 18, 2005, 03:22:41 AM
Quote
Maturity:Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Heck, I watched a 10 yo "girl" a few days ago you woulda thought was a 30 yo midget.
Post by: Ben on October 18, 2005, 04:28:07 AM
Quote
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
True, except for the "wait till nothing is left" part. It also forgot to mention that we NEVER EVER NEVER use coupons. Also the reason we can go to the "10 items or less" lane is because we don't talk in line and we pay cash, so we get through faster than the woman with 8 items, a story, a checkbook, and coupons. There should be a "men only" line at the store instead of a 10 items or less one.
Actually, stores would do well to completely change their design. One half of the store should be for women and have the fruits, vegetables, other nutritious items, and friendly cashiers. The other half of the store would be designed like a racetrack in a horseshoe shape. The track would be layed out with the following items from start to finish: Milk, doughnuts, soda, beef jerky, red meat, beer, and kid's cereal. This would allow the man to grab breakfast, lunch, dinner, and evening snack in the correct order without needing a list. He would then proceed to the computerized self-serve checkout to pay for everything.
Post by: Headless Thompson Gunner on October 18, 2005, 07:26:13 AM
Quote from: Winston Smith
Does she have a sister?
Nope. She was raised entirely by men. That's how she grew up to be a person and not a woman.
Post by: Headless Thompson Gunner on October 18, 2005, 07:33:46 AM
Quote from: 280plus
I read it all through again, funny stuff Barb. Here's one I can relate to:
I've known plenty of "adult" women who couldn't even muster the maturity expected from 17 year olds. Imagine a schoolgirl with a Mastercard, a princess complex, and birth control... Quote
Maturity:Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Heck, I watched a 10 yo "girl" a few days ago you woulda thought was a 30 yo midget.
Post by: 280plus on October 18, 2005, 08:21:19 AM
Quote
Imagine a schoolgirl with a Mastercard, a princess complex, and birth control...
ok now you're scaring me... (runs screaming from room flailing hands in air)
Post by: Sylvilagus Aquaticus on October 18, 2005, 05:30:36 PM
Regards,
Rabbit.
Post by: thorn on October 19, 2005, 12:21:17 PM
>>>He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN<<<<<
nothing to do with men or women, just a cheap piece of racist BS.
Post by: Lee on October 21, 2005, 03:49:14 PM
I have to comment on the camera thing though. My wife, mother-in-law, and sister in-laws all don't seem to understand that what you see in the viewfinder is the image you end up with. I have yet to see a centered pic containing all the needed body parts. And yes, they do always use those throw away cameras. Hmmmm... whose torso and right arm is this at the beach?
But that might explain why most women aren't into shooting and believe that simply pointing a gun and pulling the trigger will wipe out a threat. LOL