Post by: P95Carry on March 14, 2005, 06:10:53 AM
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
And .... what do you know about wedding anniversaries? .................
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Who says men don't remember anniversaries!!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dinning room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do." she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"
"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too." she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
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Post by: jamz on March 14, 2005, 06:22:44 AM
Here's mine:\
During a trip to NY the Pope begs his limo driver to let him behind the wheel. Unable to say no to his holiness the driver agrees and gets into the back. Within a block the two are pulled over, but when the officer sees who is driving he calls his sergeant.
"Sarge," he stammers. "I stopped someone really important and I don't know what to do."
"Is it the mayor?" his sergeant asks.
"No sir, more important."
"The governor?"
"Negative sir. More important."
"Don't tell me you stopped the damn president," the sarge yells.
"Nope, more important than even the president!"
"Who the hell is it then?"
"I don't know," the officer responds, "but his driver is the Pope!"
Love, James
Post by: 50 Shooter on March 14, 2005, 06:30:47 AM
Lost in Wal-Mart
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
"Never mind; let's look for yours."
Post by: P95Carry on March 14, 2005, 06:32:39 AM
Post by: Guest on March 14, 2005, 06:47:47 AM
Sunday School teacher pulls the Parents aside after church, with the 2 year old baby boy in Mom's arms. Seems the little 5 y/o girl asked the Sunday School Teacher that morning what was good for squeaks. Teacher replied WD40 is what her husband uses around the house. Teacher noticed the curious look on the child's face and inquired why she wanted to know.
"Mommy and daddy's bed squeaks at night all the time- last time that happened they brought home a baby who gets into my stuff".
Sunday School Teacher explained there is reason folks volunteer to be Sunday School Teachers - does not always have anything to do with lessons. Mom volunteered to be a Teacher not long after that.
I understand there were some conversations with the child's K-school teachers as well. Boy did the parents learn what kids say away from home.
Post by: Smith on March 14, 2005, 06:48:47 AM
Post by: P95Carry on March 14, 2005, 07:05:34 AM
Post by: doczinn on March 14, 2005, 07:19:48 AM
Post by: jamz on March 14, 2005, 07:21:03 AM
Love, James
Post by: Smith on March 14, 2005, 07:25:13 AM
Post by: 50 Shooter on March 14, 2005, 07:42:34 AM
Post by: Unisaw on March 14, 2005, 08:14:36 AM
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt! 'And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?'
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.'
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'
Post by: garyk/nm on March 14, 2005, 08:27:17 AM
Post by: StopTheGrays on March 14, 2005, 08:59:51 AM
Post by: M67 on March 14, 2005, 09:52:08 AM
322.9 (four times) and 323.5 (twice).
I'm not even at work, I'm doing this on my own time. I need a cup of coffee - and a life.
Post by: Stickjockey on March 14, 2005, 11:29:05 AM
So this stunning blonde walks into a New York bank and asks to see the loan officer. They're introduced, and she tells him she is leaving on a European vacation and that she needs a loan for $15,000. "Fine," he replies, "Just fill out this application and we'll see what we can do." She does, filling in the Income area with the information that she's an heiress with $30,000,000 in assets and such. The loan officer, perusing the application, says "Great. We will, however, need some form of collateral." My Mercedes is valued at $56,000; will that do?" The blonde replies. "Certainly," says the loan officer, and the deal is done.
Two weeks go by, and the lady returns and pays off the loan and interest, which amounts to $150. "It was a pleasure to do business with you, ma'am," says the loan officer, "but I'm curious. Why would someone with a $30,000,000 fortune need a $15,000 loan, and why would they offer a $56,000 Mercedes as collateral?"
"Simple," quips the blonde, smiling sweetly. "Where else in New York could I park a $56,000 Meredes for two weeks, pay $150, and expect it to be there when I got back?"
Post by: Fjolnirsson on March 14, 2005, 11:43:58 AM
Post by: crt360 on March 14, 2005, 11:50:39 AM
Post by: Pebcac on March 14, 2005, 01:19:39 PM
And I loved the "would have gotten out today" joke.
Post by: Monkeyleg on March 14, 2005, 01:28:36 PM
A state trooper gets to the accident scene, only to find a bulldozer operator in the last stages of burying the bus.
The trooper asks, "weren't any of them alive?"
"A couple of them says they was," the bulldozer operator replies, "but you know how those suckers can lie."
Post by: ...has left the building. on March 14, 2005, 03:08:17 PM
Post by: lwsimon on March 14, 2005, 03:25:24 PM
So this snail jsut got his driver's license. He goes down to the dealership and buys a shiny new littel convertible. Then he takes it in to the body shop and has a big "S" painted on the hood. He's driving aroudn town, and a girl snail stops him, and asks why he painted a big "S" on his car. He replies - "This way, when I zoom by, people will point an say 'Look at that little S car go!"
Post by: Daniel964 on March 14, 2005, 06:10:44 PM
Post by: doczinn on March 15, 2005, 10:07:34 AM
Post by: FPrice on March 20, 2005, 11:10:11 AM
There were four country churches in a small Alabama town: The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery and flooded it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- the Methodist church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Post by: Monkeyleg on March 20, 2005, 01:30:17 PM
Here's one that's been going 'round on the email circuit.
A guy's out golfing, standing at the second hole, when a little frog says, "ribbit, nine iron."
The guy looks baffled at first, then decides what-the-heck and pulls out the nine iron. To his amazement, the ball lands just a couple of feet from the cup.
On the next hole, he's about to tee off again when the frog shows up. "Ribbit, four iron." The guy decides he'll give it a try and he gets a hole in one.
"So, you're a lucky frog, eh?" the guy asks.
"Ribbit, Lucky Frog."
The guy puts the frog in his pocket, and decides to he to the casino.
He's at the roulette table. "Ok, Mr. Lucky Frog, now what?"
"Ribbit, $3, black 6."
The guys does as he's told, and--sure enough--he's raking in the dough.
He gets a hotel room at the casino, and takes the frog with him.
They're up in the hotel room, and the guy says, "Mr. Lucky Frog, you've made my day. How can I thank you?"
"Ribbit, kiss me."
The guy hesitates a second, then kisses the frog. The frog instantly turns into an absolutely gorgeous fifteen year-old girl.
And that, your Honor, is how that girl got in my hotel room...
or my name isn't William Jefferson Clinton.
Post by: Holly76201 on March 21, 2005, 09:48:06 PM
My brother has an ex wife he loathes. He has a bumper sticker on his truck that says: "If I'd killed you when I wanted to, I'd be out of prison by now."
She has to see it everytime she comes to pick up or drop off the girls, of whom HE has custody.
Post by: Strings on March 26, 2005, 02:27:36 PM
Post by: grampster on March 27, 2005, 06:28:03 AM
He's lying on the bed and the door bursts open and a gorgeous playboy bunny comes through the door. She says, "I'm here to give you super sex". The old guy looks her up and down and says.......
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."What kind of soup is it?"
Post by: P95Carry on March 27, 2005, 08:07:25 AM
:DTry this one ..
The Last Child Support Check
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that
this be my last child support payment! Month after
month, year after year, all those damn payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my
house, and when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I
want you to take this check over to yo momma house and
tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin'
from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the
'spression on yo mama's face."
So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be
anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo
momma say 'bout that?"
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She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and
watch the 'spression on yo face.
Post by: Strings on March 27, 2005, 08:17:34 AM
Post by: Dannyboy on March 27, 2005, 10:12:06 AM
Post by: BryanP on March 27, 2005, 10:35:39 AM
http://www.frozenden.x3fusion.com/flash/bloodypenguin.html
Post by: Strings on March 27, 2005, 10:46:15 AM
Post by: grampster on March 27, 2005, 10:46:59 AM
Post by: BryanP on March 27, 2005, 10:50:08 AM
Not bad. I've topped out at around 1037 feet. I haven't been able to top that.
Post by: grampster on March 27, 2005, 10:57:01 AM
Bar tender said, "can I help you"?
3 legged dog said, "Lookin' for the man that shot my paw".
Baadaaboomp.
Priest, rabbi and preacher walked into the bar.
Bartender said, "what is this? A joke?" baaadaaboomp
Horse walked into the bar.
Bartender said, "Why the long face?" baaadaaboomp
292.9 and a 72.4 heh heh
Post by: Strings on March 27, 2005, 11:00:58 AM
Post by: BryanP on March 27, 2005, 11:24:23 AM
Post by: P95Carry on March 27, 2005, 12:18:26 PM
Managed a 680 - boy, what a blood trail
Post by: Dannyboy on March 27, 2005, 01:16:21 PM
Post by: doczinn on March 27, 2005, 01:43:57 PM
edit: 978.9
Post by: Mabs2 on March 27, 2005, 05:06:51 PM
Post by: Holly76201 on March 27, 2005, 06:43:49 PM
You'd think the second one saw it coming.