Armed Polite Society
Main Forums => The Roundtable => Topic started by: .Cheese. on May 23, 2009, 07:27:20 PM
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I remember coming across this really funny thread on THR a year or 2 ago (maybe more) that dealt with some funny speech regarding taking a guy's daughter on a date. It was really funny. I can't find it though.
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http://thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=399476&highlight=Daughter ?
http://thehighroad.org/showthread.php?t=305301&highlight=Daughter ?
The only ones that jumped out at all. :|
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It's not 'The Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter' you're thinking of, is it?
There are a few versions of it floating around the Interwebs, here's an example:
http://www.websitement-tm.com/Darwin/Content/rules_for_dating_my_daughter.htm
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Some thoughtful information for those who ARE daughters, WERE daughters, HAVE daughters, INTEND TO HAVE daughters, or INTEND TO DATE a daughter.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on his subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my Daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Of all the women I've dated, only one father tried to do the whole intimidation thing. He wore a 1911 in a holster. I asked him if I could see it. So he hands it over, I field strip it, criticize his cleaning job, show him how to properly clean a 1911, the correct places to lube (and how much), and reassemble it. From the look on his face, significantly faster than he could.
I kinda felt bad afterwards, though. He looked rather disappointed. His wife on the other hand thought it was hysterical.
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I had one girl's father try the intimidation thing with a field-stripped shotgun. Kinda ruined the effect when I had to help him put it back together... :D
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my favorite is to give the young man a hug and when you do whisper in his ear "just remeber son, whatever you do to my daughter tonite i'm gonna do to you when you bring her home." give him a wink and a pat on the ass and send them on their way
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I'm not too worried about the intimidation thing. Quiet confidence, and simple instructions to respect my daughter, and respect my rules (only take her where you say, have her back on time, etc). A stiff handshake and solid, long eye contact will work.
Where I grew up, the girls with the scariest dads were usually the fastest and loosest.
The best I can do is to teach and mentor my daughter to be a young lady, respect herself, and hopefully wait until she's at least an adult and on her own before engaging in adult activities.
micro will be along to tell us how wrong we are for not being sex positive in regards to underage sexual activities.
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Funny. Every time I'm over at her parents' house (which is rare because she has a place of her own) her dad offers me a beer, which I usually turn down because I'm the one driving. This then becomes a long conversation about how I'm doing, world events, and so forth until Sue rolls her eyes and announces loudly that it's time to go. =D
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See if you can get a local college or medical school to sell you a few jars of pig testicles preserved in jars.... =D
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Is this like the "application to date my daughter"?
That's funny too. Maybe you should leave it on the dining room table to fill out while you clean guns? =D
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Funny. Every time I'm over at her parents' house (which is rare because she has a place of her own) her dad offers me a beer, which I usually turn down because I'm the one driving. This then becomes a long conversation about how I'm doing, world events, and so forth until Sue rolls her eyes and announces loudly that it's time to go. =D
This is also a tactic.
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I am going to keep it very simple for all of the boys.
"She better come home in the same condition (other than getting rid of some hunger she had at whatever restaurant you are going to) you took her out in or you will pay for the damage."
Simple and to the point.
Same applies for my son too.
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the way girls today act reminds me of how i acted way back when. that is NOT praise
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It's not 'The Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter' you're thinking of, is it?
It was a THR adapted version.
Gotta look through the links provided and see if somebody found it.
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I thought that 10 dating my daughter rules are really good.... especially this one guys, "I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you." that should be the most common on some reasons...
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This is also a tactic.
I suppose so.
Today it was "hey, we just picked up a double oven--can you help me move it inside?" followed by moving a household appliance weighing two metric tons while trying to keep my P6 from falling out of its holster. After that was about an hour of discussion over cokes with Sue's mom there, too, about quitting smoking and how they're all glad I've done so well so far (two weeks now, thanks to gum). I then got invited to go on a combination BBQ/ boating/ fishing/ swimming trip up at the grandpa's place sometime this summer.
I think they don't mind me so much. =) Even if they do, I'm in keeping with those ten rules to a decent degree (aside from the fact that Sue's 27) and Sue's made mention of how they've advised her "to hold onto him." =D
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You need a better holster....
:laugh:
I guess I'm not to worried about my daughter. I will be instilling in her values and self respect. And as soon as she turns 4, she'll start Karate, too. When she gets a little older, she'll learn to shoot and use edged weapons.
Her older brother is large for his age, learning Karate, and being taught to look out for his little sister.
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You need a better holster....
:laugh:
I guess I'm not to worried about my daughter. I will be instilling in her values and self respect. And as soon as she turns 4, she'll start Karate, too. When she gets a little older, she'll learn to shoot and use edged weapons.
Her older brother is large for his age, learning Karate, and being taught to look out for his little sister.
http://www.epsaddlery.com/pc-77-21-ez-carry-holster.aspx
^^^ Basically the best I could get for the money I have--open top, no retention. :|
Karate is good, but Judo, Jiu Jitsu, and others that're more on-the-ground-fighting-dirty types might be helpful, too.
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http://www.epsaddlery.com/pc-77-21-ez-carry-holster.aspx
^^^ Basically the best I could get for the money I have--open top, no retention. :|
Karate is good, but Judo, Jiu Jitsu, and others that're more on-the-ground-fighting-dirty types might be helpful, too.
Those types of holsters are bad. And that's way overpriced, sorry to say, I've found similar ones for $20 at gun shows.
The custom holster my P3AT is in cost about the same as that, and the off-the-shelf belt slide for my GP was, too. Consider getting something made directly for your gun, and you'll find that even without retention its likely to not fall out. Fits like a glove, as they say....
Jiu Jitsu....or maybe MCMEP...... :angel:.......In due time....they're only 3 and 5....
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The Daughter Song (Tom Wilson Stand-up Comedy) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELmJHrmtCcU)
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Funny. Every time I'm over at her parents' house (which is rare because she has a place of her own) her dad offers me a beer, which I usually turn down because I'm the one driving. This then becomes a long conversation about how I'm doing, world events, and so forth until Sue rolls her eyes and announces loudly that it's time to go.
STOP THE THREAD!!!
You have a girlfriend?
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You have a point there, Az. Without proof, can't believe she's real...
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You have a point there, Az. Without proof, can't believe she's real...
....or that no air compressors are involved....
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That's not fair. Even a guy like me can get a reasonable, fairly attractive, logical woman of quality to like him.
Yes, it looks like I might actually wind up with a real girlfriend =D
If I can do it, so can he.
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again: without photographic or video proof, didn't happen...
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he posted a pic and if i can get married (twice) to seemingly normal women all things are possible
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Having dated a good bit back in the day, I heard the speeches, got the not too subtle threats, and even had the guns on the table moment. I can say that none of it really had any effect. As near as I can figure, instead of spending time and energy working on the threat, you should instead spend the time and energy teaching your daughters. What you need to teach them are the following:
1. Good judge of character
2. How to avoid involuntary and voluntary intoxication
3. How to recognize problems before they occur, and how to escape a bad situation before it becomes inescapable
4. How to get out of a jam physically if necessary
5. How to use a cell phone to call you any time for help, no matter what the situation may be
6. That no matter what she does, you'll come to help her and not judge her for what she's done
I met a few young ladies who had this type of situation. Two are, and will be, lifeling friends. The third is my wife.
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Your wife isn't a lifelong friend?
Ben
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Your wife isn't a lifelong friend?
Ben
Isn't it implied?
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Your wife isn't a lifelong friend?
Ben
I look at it as a life long prison sentence. :)
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STOP THE THREAD!!!
You have a girlfriend?
=D
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"Two are, and will be, lifelong friends. The third is my wife" implies that the third differs from the first two.
"Three are, and will be, lifelong friends, one of whom is my wife" would be more accurate to what I hope the situation is.
Ben
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"Two are, and will be, lifelong friends. The third is my wife" implies that the third differs from the first two.
"Three are, and will be, lifelong friends, one of whom is my wife" would be more accurate to what I hope the situation is.
Ben
Seriously?
;/
Nitpicking grammar is one way to begin an acrimonious relationship around here.....
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Seriously?
;/
Nitpicking grammar is one way to begin an acrimonious relationship around here.....
Ellipses do not consist of five dots. Three shall suffice.
:laugh:
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Sorry, I'm really bored.
:)
Ben
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Ellipses do not consist of five dots. Three shall suffice.
:laugh:
.....but I prefer to use SUPERIOR ellipises..... =D
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Dads liked me, which was the kiss of death, as far as any girl was concerned. =( Did wonders for my dating life in high school.
Later on, in my early twenties, at the time, the only thing Mrs. Dual's father knew about me was that I was a "college dropout", and "had a whole bunch of guns". :laugh: And the first time he saw the apartments where I was living, he had to drive the back way through what was then the rundown part of Milwaukee's warehouse district to get my roomate's and my rather posh loft. Apparently he was freaking out, and the future Mrs. Dual enjoying every minute of it.
It didn't last long, I was a perfectly respectful and clean-cut twentysomething who didn't finish school because I never found a good time to break the golden handcuffs of corporate I.T. work. As opposed to his daughter who'd spent four years getting her B.F.A. in -cough(underwaterbasketweaving)cough- theater and only worked retail clothing in the mall.
But, I still managed to freak him out, if only for a little while, and she was the one I wound up marrying.
Funny how that works out. ;/
My four little girls, almost all the same age?
I strongly suspect that after enduring a few years of their puberty, by the time they're dating age, I'll be saying something like: "You have a windowless van, with carpet in the back?.... Great! Here's $100, take the other three with you too!"
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again: without photographic or video proof, didn't happen...
You know I love my fellow APSers, but I am not about to broadcast my lady friends identity for anyone to see on teh interwebz.
Just like it is unlikely you will ever see a pic of me either. :cool:
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If I feel the need to intimidate - then she isn't going with him.
If I were to intimidate though, it would probably go something like this, "I'm old and my l my life doesn't mean all that much to me...but your's means even less."
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You know I love my fellow APSers, but I am not about to broadcast my lady friends identity for anyone to see on teh interwebz.
Just like it is unlikely you will ever see a pic of me either. :cool:
Wise.
http://www.epsaddlery.com/pc-77-21-ez-carry-holster.aspx
^^^ Basically the best I could get for the money I have--open top, no retention. :|
You can get a basic Uncle Mike's medium frame velcro holster with a thumb break for $20-30. I recommend looking at a Fobus holster. For example, their basic paddle holster for SIGs here (http://www.fobusholster.com/products/SIG_SAUER_220_225_226_228_229_245_PADDLE_HOLSTER-342-0.htm). Fobus holsters are also in the $20-30 range, extremely durable, and have great retention. The trigger guard has an indentation which snaps into the trigger guard on the gun. Which effectively keeps it from going anywhere. I'm still carrying my Glock in the same GL2 I bought six years ago.
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My four little girls, almost all the same age?
I strongly suspect that after enduring a few years of their puberty, by the time they're dating age, I'll be saying something like: "You have a windowless van, with carpet in the back?.... Great! Here's $100, take the other three with you too!"
So how much are you planning on charging the guy to take them back? $100 per head?
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So how much are you planning on charging the guy to take them back? $100 per head?
=D You see right through me. Ammo is expensive! And it won't be any cheaper around 2020 or so when mine are going to be moving into dating age...
I never understood the tradition of dowry, especially where it continues in the third world today. I always thought desperate guys, and their families, would pay to get the wife they wanted.
With a wife and four daughters of my own, now I get it. :angel:
Oh, and digitalandanalog, thanks for the PM, Yowza! She really is a catch! One question though, are they real?
Never mind, who cares? =D
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I've always liked the line I heard Howie Mandel use in one of his stand-up routines:
"I look forward to the day when my daughter starts dating because any guy who wants to take her out has to come to the house and meet me."
I'm going to have fun. And probably embarrass my daughters.
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Your wife isn't a lifelong friend?
Ben
Hey, I'm a lawyer, and a magistrate at that. Picking on my grammer and doing so in a way that could result in rocking my marital bliss is a sure way to invoke my contempt powers!
All three are lifelong friends. My differentiation was dramatic effect, with the intended implication being that all three women have played, and will continue to play, key parts in my life.
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The fun continues. ;/
Sue's getting her place ready to put up for sale, so Saturday I spent going back and forth between "helping" her mom convince her that she didn't need 75% of the cosmetics, clothes, and other random stuff she had, and helping her dad install all-new countertops in the kitchen.
Was especially fun holding the piece being cut out for the sink from underneath as her dad did the sawing. I had a lot on my mind: 1) making sure the piece didn't land on my head and disable or kill me, 2) trying to keep the sawdust out of my face and nose, and 3) ensuring that my fingers were well out of the cutting path of the saw. :O
After an hour of moving furniture and boxes, Sue's dad declared that it was time for barbecue, and insisted that I come along with them to Earl's Rib Palace, his treat. Only condition was that I dust myself off so that I wouldn't get Sue (or his truck) dirty. =)
Oddest part of the whole evening was the radio station her parents had playing. I don't listen to 70s-early 80s pop/funk (was raised on Metallica), but I seemed to impress them when I started picking out stuff like Morris Day, Average White Band, Hues Corporation, etc. Apparently embarrassed the heck out of Sue in the process, who then died laughing as I started singing along. =D