Post by: 280plus on February 19, 2007, 05:28:13 PM
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's n ot pain that I'll
feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where
her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the frid g e.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
Q. Why is it called PMS?
A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
Post by: Headless Thompson Gunner on February 19, 2007, 05:42:11 PM
Post by: 280plus on February 19, 2007, 05:43:30 PM
A. Sheep don't talk.
Post by: Headless Thompson Gunner on February 19, 2007, 06:05:03 PM
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Post by: Declaration Day on February 19, 2007, 06:26:27 PM
Post by: AmbulanceDriver on February 19, 2007, 08:14:26 PM
*walks back out, heads for the bomb shelter*
Post by: LadySmith on February 19, 2007, 11:56:24 PM
(Honestly, that stuff was funny...except for the sheep)
Post by: 280plus on February 20, 2007, 12:51:43 AM
Post by: Jamisjockey on February 20, 2007, 02:10:52 AM
Q How do you make a woman go blind?
A Put a windshield in front of her!
Post by: 280plus on February 20, 2007, 02:28:13 AM
Post by: StopTheGrays on February 20, 2007, 06:28:28 AM
A:So the dishwasher can match with the refrigerator. *ba-dumdum-ching*
Post by: wmenorr67 on February 20, 2007, 06:37:17 AM
A:So they can stand closer to the sink, kitchen counters, and stove.
Post by: Strings on February 20, 2007, 10:43:27 AM
Post by: Tallpine on February 20, 2007, 12:24:05 PM
A: A wedding ring.
Post by: auschip on February 20, 2007, 12:38:07 PM
Sorry... I knew I was walking the edge with that one. I'll self flagellate in the morning.
You'll go blind doing that.
Post by: 280plus on February 20, 2007, 02:29:38 PM
Sorry... I knew I was walking the edge with that one. I'll self flagellate in the morning.
You'll go blind doing that.
Post by: Strings on February 20, 2007, 02:32:58 PM
Post by: 280plus on February 20, 2007, 02:34:39 PM
Post by: 280plus on February 20, 2007, 02:36:04 PM
Post by: grampster on February 20, 2007, 02:59:44 PM
Grampster =
Post by: 280plus on February 20, 2007, 03:02:27 PM
Post by: grampster on February 20, 2007, 03:03:54 PM
Post by: 280plus on February 20, 2007, 03:04:30 PM
Post by: Perd Hapley on February 20, 2007, 05:05:23 PM
tic toc, tic toc, tic toc, tic toc, Barbaraaaaaa, oh Barbaraaaaaaa, tic toc tic toc.
Grampster =
Grampster =
Barbara deleted herself a little while back. From the forum, I mean, not anything serious.
Post by: CAnnoneer on February 20, 2007, 05:11:21 PM
1) slow
2) very slow
3) annoyingly slow
4) maddeningly slow
5) glacial
Post by: Monkeyleg on February 20, 2007, 05:17:38 PM
She floors it off the stoplight, and then stomps the pedal down on the brakes before the light at the next block.
I had to get a complete brake job--pads, rotors, etc--at 17,000 miles.
Post by: DJJ on February 20, 2007, 05:20:00 PM
A: Because they don't have wives.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.
Post by: LadySmith on February 21, 2007, 01:23:55 AM
Quote
Barbara deleted herself a little while back. From the forum, I mean, not anything serious.
Aw man, I'm sorry to hear that.These are my favorites for the day:
From Tallpine -
Q: What simple device can reduce a woman's sex drive by 90% ?
A: A wedding ring.
From DJJ
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.
Funny, but without any hating going on.
I'm still leery of 280 Plus, though.
Post by: 280plus on February 21, 2007, 01:44:59 AM
Not to get off track here but why on the Barbara thing?
Post by: LadySmith on February 21, 2007, 02:13:01 AM
Post by: Perd Hapley on February 21, 2007, 03:21:20 AM
Quote from: Barbara
Actually, I posted here all the time until Fistful made every thread his own private sandbox to pee in. He's now gotten to the point where he doesn't even pretend to present a discussion..he just runs through and snipes and snivels and insults people left and right.
You have the option of not reading my posts, as well, if you find them so troubling, but I'll save you the trouble. I'll delete my account. It's not useful anymore anyway.
Which is kind of sad, considering this used to be one of my favorite places on the net, simply because of the caliber of people involved.
You have the option of not reading my posts, as well, if you find them so troubling, but I'll save you the trouble. I'll delete my account. It's not useful anymore anyway.
Which is kind of sad, considering this used to be one of my favorite places on the net, simply because of the caliber of people involved.
I've been posting a lot, and Barbara apparently couldn't take that much of me. Nonetheless, her charges about my conduct remain loopy and unsubstantiated. We used to get along well enough.
Post by: LadySmith on February 21, 2007, 04:03:01 AM
Post by: CAnnoneer on February 21, 2007, 05:44:13 AM
Post by: Perd Hapley on February 21, 2007, 06:18:16 AM
Post by: 280plus on February 21, 2007, 06:26:44 AM
fistful, flagellate thyself!
Post by: Monkeyleg on February 21, 2007, 06:31:04 PM
Any chance you could promise to restrain your posts a bit on threads where she's involved? At least a little bit?
I'm sure someone here would be willing to talk to Barbara. I'd certainly be willing to.
This has turned into a "men's only" club, which certainly skews the perspectives.
Post by: Perd Hapley on February 21, 2007, 06:45:30 PM
Hasn't this always been a "men's only" club? I'd like to see more women here, but gun boards are just pretty heavy on the male side. I'll wager other political boards are, too, and we talk a lot of that, here. I reject the notion that the problem is me, and not Barbara, but I am willing to compromise if she wants to come back. If you look up Barbara's complaints about my posts, it didn't seem she was very willing to reason about me. I have to admit I've been posting a lot more in the past year, so she may have been right to complain about that. But she was accusing me of things I just hadn't done or wasn't doing any more than the rest of you. If she did come back on, I'd certainly avoid addressing her with anything other than a +1, and I'd probably be less likely to get involved in a thread in which she was very active. I'm hoping to change jobs in a few weeks, which I hope will reduce my time on-line. I'll let you all know when that happens, and she might want to come back then.
Post by: cosine on February 21, 2007, 06:55:57 PM
I thought yesterday about starting a thread to see if anyone else besides me missed having Barbara here posting, but wasn't sure of the decorum of doing so. I guess I don't need to anymore.
Post by: LadySmith on February 21, 2007, 10:26:07 PM
Quote
Hasn't this always been a "men's only" club?
Not really. I vaguely recall posting something for the ladies and women were coming out of the woodwork. Now there seems to be only me & dust bunnies in the female section. Q: Why have all the women gone?
A:
OK, now let's get back to the jokes...and flagellation.
Hey, I just noticed I'm no longer a New Member. Woo-hoo!
Post by: Monkeyleg on February 21, 2007, 10:37:34 PM
Barbara held her own, was feisty as ever, and certainly cut me off at the knees when I was wrong. IIRC, she did the same to you.
I'd like to see her back here. There's just been a lot of T&A topics that I think would turn a woman off.
Post by: 280plus on February 22, 2007, 01:38:01 AM
Post by: Dannyboy on February 22, 2007, 03:04:15 AM
Post by: Perd Hapley on February 22, 2007, 03:34:44 AM
Monkeyleg, Barbara can hold her own anywhere she chooses to. But the female presence here has always been very limited.
Post by: 280plus on February 22, 2007, 04:23:48 AM
A. None, I can do it myself, when I get around to it.
Post by: Dannyboy on February 22, 2007, 04:57:49 AM
Wait, who thought we were racists?
Go back to the Rosie "The Unfunny Cow" O'Donnell ching chong thread. I'm not sure he actually said it but it was certainly implied.
Post by: Perd Hapley on February 22, 2007, 05:15:18 AM
Post by: J.J. on February 22, 2007, 05:36:26 AM
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
(Best advice i have read all month ^)
---
Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
----
Here is a tip I learned the other night...
If your pregnant wife says:
"I need a crane to get out of bed"
If you respond: "beep beep beep" -
make sure you are out of arms reach otherwise you will get pinched/hit something. (She laughed...then realized she should be offended and pinched then laughed some more.)
Post by: CAnnoneer on February 22, 2007, 05:58:50 AM
fistful, if Barbara plainly stated you chased her out, then most likely that's what happened. Repent and self-flagellate!
Post by: Perd Hapley on February 22, 2007, 06:45:38 AM
The racism-accuser was a 47-year-old lady from the midwest and she dwelt on THR L&P some time ago. Her view was we were all kluxers that have replaced the bedsheets with a suit and tie, and our clubs with good grammar, or some such rubbish. I do not remember her exact handle (an adjective or a past participle), but she joined right about the time "telomerase" did.
Hmm. I was thinking of someone named Daniel Flory (that was the screen name). What thread are you talking about?
Post by: Dannyboy on February 22, 2007, 09:36:04 AM
Hmm. I was thinking of someone named Daniel Flory (that was the screen name). What thread are you talking about?
What he said.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.